Life is NOT a Project

I have just started reading a book about getting your house under control.  I know for myself, the state of my home tends to match the state of my mind and really the state of my life.  A little inside peek...  Chaos is reigning supreme.  Sometimes it can be hidden.  Sometimes it is right there screaming loudly.

The chapter I just read was about perspective.  People have a tendency to like projects.  There is the thrill of starting.  You make your plan (read as a really big list that you will truly conquer).  You check things off this list.  Then it's finished.  WooHoo!  Then it's on to the next super exciting thing.  Or if you are not successful, the list gets lost or you rip it to tiny pieces and it's off to the next project.

As I was reading, it really struck me that most of my life is not really a project.  There is no glorious start, a mountain to climb with a spectacular finish line.  Life is about the little, every day, often tedious and not very exciting things.  It is in the actual doing of these things that a life well lived will develop.  Mediocrity likes to hide in these little things and that is why they can be so hard to continue doing day after day.  The example she used was doing the dishes.  You can wish, plan, dream about them but the only way that your kitchen will look clean is - To wash the dishes!!!!  You have to do the work and then in some cases immediately do the work again.

I have mentally treated some of my goals this year as projects that really are not.  This has not served me well.  I have had little to no success on these particular goals.  As a result, they are back on the requirement list again for next year.  This year's approach did not work so I'm seeking a different approach.  That is where this book came in.  The things that are truly important to me at this time in my life are not projects.  Areas like my relationships, my health, my home are not one and done.  They require constant steps in the right direction.  I would love to wave a wand and reach my destination but I know that by not walking the daily steps, I can't even hope to maintain what I was given.

With that I am off to make some little steps and in case you are wondering...  Yes, my dishes are all done!

A Crazy, Wonderful Season

Last week I talked about how much I dislike using the word busy to describe my full life.  Since I wrote that blog life has not been busy.  It has been an absolute whirlwind of crazy wonderful.

The whirlwind started on Thursday.  I was blessed with an opportunity to take the day and head into Edmonton with my sweet girl's choir to sing at the Festival of Trees.  The thought of performing completely undid her that morning to the point where I wasn't even sure if I could get her to leave the house let alone to a field trip.  I emailed the teacher explaining where things were at.  This lovely lady showed my girl so much love and grace that she was not expecting.  There was complete acceptance of where she was at and the encouragement to still come along as a cheering section.  This was enough to get her out the door and to school.  After practicing with the choir, she decided that she would put on her shirt but was still unsure about the performance.  By the time the bus arrived in Edmonton, she was ready.  That is until she wasn't...  After seeing the crowd, she was unable to take the stage and in the words of her sweet singing friend - she ditched the choir to cheer from the audience.  The adults around her showed such understanding that even though this was hard, it was so positive leaving the door open to singing in the future.

Next was Friday and a crazy fun youth event that evening.  Both kids invited friends to a mall hunt at Kingsway Mall.  The adults from our church dressed up and hid in the mall and the kids were given the job of finding them.  The giggles and laughter in the vehicle on the drive filled my heart to overflowing.  Such a blessing for my kids to have such great friends.

Saturday....  Oh my, Saturday.... 

We started the morning off by delivering my girl to the Christmas Store in Stony to be an elf.  This event has been a family favourite for years.  Both kids used to love going and shopping for us without us knowing until Christmas morning what their treasures were.  After Way outgrew the shopping, he took his turn giving back as an elf.  This year was Georgia's first year that she was old enough - and she was ready!

The middle of the day was filled with all things kung fu - cane seminars, open training, meeting...

Then it was off to the Oil Kings game with the kids.  We had our teddy bears and once again my girl was wearing that semi-dreaded choir t-shirt.  She sat with her friends and I was able to sit and have a date with my number one son.  He wasn't sure he really wanted to come but after much persuasion (he would say he was forced to come).  I think in the end he was happy he had.  The teddy bear toss was something that I am not sure I could even put into words.  As it was happening, I asked Way if he would have believed me if I had tried to describe it.  He had his doubts.  It was too incredible for words.  The generosity and beauty of what we experienced.  The team work that happened in the audience as the bears just kept coming and coming, raining down from above.  Just imagine how big the piles were - over 14,000 bears.  Then as icing on the cake, the choirs sang during intermission.  My girl stood up and sang her little heart out with a smile on her face.

Sunday was a little quieter.  The morning started out with cookie baking for our church family and then off to church we went.  The highlight of Sunday came after church.  I took the kids shopping to pick out food for the Csillag's birthday bash and for the Kinette Hampers.  The kids have spent hours volunteering at the food bank so they know exactly what goes into the hampers.  These are foods that because of their food intolerances, we don't normally buy.  Watching my kids comb through new sections of the store looking through these forbidden foods, discussing what to buy - my heart was so full.  Then it was off to drop the little one at the party, which was a blast from what I could see from all the smiling faces at the end of the day.

There are so many reasons that I love the Christmas season.  The spirit of giving is so prevalent at this time of year.  The opportunities that this gives our family to not only witness the best of humanity but also to participate in it is something that I am so grateful for.  My hope and wish is for that beauty to continue on after turkey is consumed and the trees and decorations have been taken down.

That was my whirlwind, crazy, wonderful weekend.  I was kind of grateful to see the bus pull away on Monday morning so I could sit with my cup of tea and catch my breath.

Busy or Blessed

Busy... 

This is a word that seems to describe life in our culture. 

Ask almost anyone how they are doing or how their week is going and the answer is more often than not - Busy...

When we don't live up to our commitments or maintain our relationships to level we feel we should, more often than not the reason is the same - Busy...

I hate to use the word busy to describe life but honestly that is how life has felt lately.  In life I wear many hats and honestly lately I feel like it's been a struggle to maintain any sort of balance. In most cases, whoever or whatever screams the loudest gets my attention.  Thankfully in most cases, this means my family gets first dibs.  Lately, work has been equally demanding though.  I've found that there is often conflict between the hats that I wear.  This work from home mom gig seems to be at odds with itself many days.

With all of these loud voices, I am finding that many of the things I do for myself are being pushed to the side.  Anything and everything kung fu seems to fall into this category lately.  Whether it is physical requirements, blogging, personal requirements like reading and playing the piano or decluttering my house...  All these areas of my life have been a struggle this year. 

Lately I have been doing better in some of the areas that have been neglected.  It often feels though that as I start to make some progress in one area, the next slips to the side.  I am trying to juggle it all and balls are dropping all over the place.

Life is filled to the brim but I don't want to describe it as busy.  For today, I did stop and take care of some things for me.  I have submitted my first draft of requirements and wrote this blog.  That is between driving Way to kung fu and using a hot glue gun to help Georgia with a school art project.  My life does look busy but really it is blessed.  This is something I need to remember when I am in the thick of it all.

Pre-Deciding

I've been doing a great deal of thinking on this topic since our last meeting.  Thank you to Sifu M Beckett for talking about her journey and revelations in this area.  It gave me a lot to chew on.

Pre-Deciding is deciding something in advance.

Our minds are so powerful.  We have the ability to set our minds in a direction and then move in that direction.  Once we have set our minds, it is so much harder for our bodies to move in another direction - simply because we have set our minds.  Now we can always change our minds and that will change our direction but if we keep our minds set in one direction, the likelihood of going that direction dramatically increases.

So how does this apply to my journey...  Upon reflection I seem to have some of the very same thoughts Sifu talked about on Saturday.  I have always been one to quickly say "I can't do that" when it comes to physical endeavors.  I liked to think that it was just a solid understanding of my own abilities but really it was a lack of belief in my own capabilities.  One of the reasons that I joined the IHC my first year was that I was tired of telling myself that I couldn't do things.  I was ready for a push to see what I could do.  I have definitely broadened my preconceived limitations, but they do still definitely exist.  They come to light every single time I think of eventually grading for a black belt.  I still have limits to push.

An area that has been new for me in this area is in regards to my mental capacity.  My whole life I've been an I can do that kinda girl when it comes to pretty much anything that wasn't physical in nature.  Then the concussion happened...  I was told that I had to stop.  I was told I had to rest my mind.  Since then I know that I have a new brain that I am working with, one that I am still on many days I'm still trying to figure out.  The discussion on Saturday and my reflection on that though has shown me that I have put some pretty serious limits on myself.  At one time these limits were necessary for healing.  Today these limits are exactly that - just limits.  There is no good reason for them.  I look at my calendar and I think many thoughts that are not helpful.  I think about how tired I will be.  I think about how stressed I will be.  I think about how it will affect my anxiety levels.  All these thoughts make me tired, stressed and anxious.  I haven't even done anything yet!!!

This week I've been trying to not analyze my calendar and predecide how I'm going to feel.  Instead I've been trying hard to feel how I'm really feeling in the moment not how I think I should feel or how my thoughts have then made me feel.  That was quite a mouthful.  I would love to say that I've seen huge success and strides in my life.  Not yet.  I will keep working on it.  Today I am feeling very under the weather.  I did what I needed to do this morning for work but this afternoon I listened to my body and I had a nap.  I haven't allowed myself that in quite some time and I have to say it was lovely and really needed.  Tomorrow I will tackle life as it comes.

Lessons in Profound Gratitude

I like to think of myself as a pretty grateful person.  I try to use my manners.  I keep a journal where I list the things and events that I am grateful for.  I really do like to believe that I embrace a life of gratitude.

Last night, I was blessed with the opportunity to take Waylon down to the Mustard Seed and serve a meal alongside him.  Honestly, at many points this week, this did not feel like a blessing or an opportunity - it felt like a commitment.  It felt like another thing crammed into our ridiculously busy week - that week where everything seems to fall all at once.  I was tired and I hate driving in the city.  Can you hear it?  Excuses and bad attitude abounding.  Even in that, I knew that I had committed to going and I wanted Waylon to have this experience.  So off we set....

Now on the other side of this experience I have an entirely different perspective.  I am so grateful that I did not let those excuses and bad attitude win out.  What I was able to be a part of last night was truly incredible.  I have helped out with these meals many times over the years.  In the past I have always been involved in the preparation part of the meal.  Last night was the first time that I was able to actual serve the clients and speak to them.  The greatest lessons and blessings came in the interactions with the people we met and in watching my son interact with these people.

The people that we served last night were on the most part some of the most humble and polite people I have seen all gathered together in one place.  There are a few characters that I will keep in my mind and heart though.  There was one gentleman who took the time to stop and thank each and every person volunteering.  He looked them in the eye.  He didn't just say thank you.  He spoke to each of us individually.  You could see through his eyes right into his beautiful heart.  There was one lady who had on this hat that I really wish I had taken a picture of.  It was covered in pink sequins and she had wrapped silk flowers around it and around her neck.  In a place where life seems dark and sad, she brought colour and beauty.  There was this other lady.  She was such a tiny thing but the joy she oozed was not tiny.  She did a huge happy dance when she saw that Waylon had oranges to hand out.  One man asked if it was thanksgiving because there was so much food.  He looked like he was about to cry.  We were able to fill every single plate that came through to overflowing and then offer seconds (and in some cases thirds).  Not a single person in that building went away hungry last night.

On the way home, Waylon and I were able to talk through our experience.  It really hit home that it is by the grace of God that I was on the serving side of that table, not the side receiving the meal.  We gave them a warm meal but they gave me something that will last so much longer.  The people I met last night gave me a glimpse of what true gratitude looks like.  I honestly believe that I received so much more than I will ever be able to give in this lifetime.

Hold Up Just A Minute....

It's that time of year!  Can't you feel it!

The kwoon is filled with excited chatter.  The IHC Dog Team is filling quickly.  Are you in?  What are your goals for next year?  What forms are you doing?  What's your weapon?  How did you set up this goal in the past?  Where should my focus be?

Last year at this time I was really struggling.  I knew I needed to stay on the team, if for no other reason than I needed to keep my kung fu family close, but I totally lacked any excitement.  I set the goals I knew I needed to set.  There was not a great deal of enthusiasm involved.  This year it is very different.  Right now I am in the healthiest mental state I've been in for a couple of years.  I am finding my brain going a million miles an hour filled with ideas.  I have all these things I want to do.  I have many things that need attending to in my life.  Then there are the goals I need to keep in front of me as I get closer and closer to contemplating a black belt grading in the next few years.  So many goals!!!!

But wait!  It is still the year of the Rooster!  I have so much unfinished business to focus on to finish this year strong.  I think some of the struggle comes from the fact that I am not nailing my goals this year.  Every single cell in my body is ready for that ultimate restart yet that does not happen until February.  It is still October.  There is much to do - now!  It is in the now that I will set up next year.  Some of my unfinished goals lead into what I want to do next year. 

So for today, I will shift my focus back to now. 

To Blog or Not To Blog....

That is quite the question...  Hmmm....  Obviously, the answer is yes, blog.

I have been putting off my blog all week.  Last week's blog took 3 days to write.  It feels like I just finished writing it and bang it's time to write again.  Then there is the mental task of thinking what to write about.  What is going on that is relevant?  What is going on that I actually want to put out into the public space?  What will someone want to read (which includes the me of the future)?

This week I have been feeling quite funky.  The shorter days and lack of bright sunshine has been taking it's toll on my mental space.  The paperwork that I needed to collect and log for my accident was looming over my head.  Yesterday I finally finished pushing through the last of it and dropped it off at the lawyers.  That was a hard process.  The continual reliving of the hard stuff from the last two years kept pushing me down.  Then add in that my internal solar panels needed some serious sunshine to get my groove on.

I have often asked myself, where does the time go.  Yesterday I discovered that I spent 146.5 hours alone in the last two years just driving to and attending appointments directly related to my accident.  Ugh...  That is a huge chunk of time.  Time that I needed to be doing exactly what I was doing at that moment, yet, how I would have loved to have had those hours to invest in other ways.  This does not include the time I spent unable to do life with headaches or brain fog, time spent napping so I could heal.  If I had properly tracked that time, then I'm sure the number would have completely blown my mind.  If I can make this huge amount of time to care for myself, then surely I can find 15 minutes to put some thoughts down in my blog.

So today my answer was to blog...  What will your answer be?

Lu Ping An

I started off September ready to give it my all.  I set big goals for myself.  I was going to get back on track in every area of my life.  Look out world!

I did not conquer the universe in September.  I did manage to accomplish more in one month than I think I had in the previous three months but it came at a cost.  I know you've all heard me talk about the Supermom cape being stuck in my panties...  Same idea, slightly different analogy coming up.

September was crazy full.  With my grandma ill and then passing away, my heart had been heavy.  Then last few days of last week were filled with back to back appointments with different doctors and clients.  Every moment was finely planned with no room for error.  One misstep and the whole beautifully constructed schedule was going to come crashing down.  That is not what happened.  Everything came off just like I planned.  This sounds like a success, right?

By Thursday, my hubbie asked me how I was holding up with all that was going on.  See he has much wisdom and experience watching me run around like a crazy lady.  Perhaps it was also the fact that he found me sitting in front of the pantry holding a huge bag of chocolate chips...  I told him that I was doing ok, after all chocolate fixes everything.  I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel but I was doing ok.  Then Friday hit.  Two medical appointments in the city for the kids.  One putting me on the road for morning rush hour and then the other putting me on the road for the evening rush hour.  Then a packed schedule in the middle of this.  By the time I made it home, my wise hubbie asked the same question.  The answer was very different.  I was still on my hamster wheel but I had stumbled and somehow my little hamster tail had gotten caught and I felt like I was being repeatedly slammed as the wheel kept on spinning.

Life on the hamster wheel is frantic and busy but all that activity did not lead to reaching any destination I want to remain in.  My schedule was too full without time for rest or margin.  Putting myself on the road during rush hour was definitely a poor choice in light of my driving anxieties, let alone twice in one day.  On paper, September looked pretty good.  There were many revolutions on that hamster wheel.  BUT...  I had not been kind to myself.  I had not recognized or respected my own personal limitations.  I had had to learn an old lesson all over again.

For the month of October, I want to have a completely different approach.  I need to step off the wheel for my own sake and for the sake of my family.  This week I was sitting down thinking about goals for the month and I was having troubles really setting any.  Don't get me wrong, I have so much that I want and need to do.  The issue was I was still feeling beaten and broken from September.  I kept going back to just a simple focus on peace and gratitude.

On Wednesday morning in class, Sifu Rybak was firing off theory questions to each of us and when it was my turn the question was what is lu ping an?  On my way home it hit me.  This one phrase summed up where I wanted to focus for this month.

Lu ping an...  Walking in peace and harmony...  Being at peace with myself...  Being at peace with the people in my life...  Being at peace with the world around me...

This does not mean that I am going to be sitting around doing nothing this month.  It is tempting after the whole hamster wheel incident.  The first word of the phrase is walking.  There is still forward movement but it is not frantic and relentless.  The focus is not so much on what I want/need to get done but more on how I am going to go about it.  There is kindness and compassion for myself.  If I am kind to myself and allow margin, then it is so much easier to be at peace with those around me.  To then take it a step further, if I extend kindness and compassion to myself, I am so much better at noticing the world around me with a heart of gratitude.

Lu ping an...   Simple but not easy...  A constant work in progress...

Quieting the Nerves

This morning I was reflecting on my morning walk with my favourite fur-guy.  This past week has been filled with emotions.  I am still processing many of them.  As I was processing them, the usual Monday morning thought came up...  What on earth am I going to blog about?!?

One of the requirements of the IHC program is to do at least three public performances throughout the year.  This is a requirement that originally made me cringe - I really dislike getting up in front of people.  I used to be a ball of nerves and a complete wreck if asked to lead a warm up or to do my form in front of the class.  How on earth was I going to do anything in public?

As part of our classes, we start by really desensitizing ourselves to some of these nerves by regularly doing our forms for each other.  This gives us a safe environment to step out in and practice how to handle a performance.  We practice performing.  Gradually, these practice performance are no longer fear inducing.  I have learned to handle my nerves in this safe environment.

Now, just because I have learned how to manage my nerves in the kwoon, does not mean that I have nailed my nerves when it comes time to perform for the public.  The first year in the program, my weapons form was challenging and to be honest, I can count on one hand how many times I managed to complete it without dropping my staff or causing some sort of bodily harm to myself - many times both would happen at the same time.  I learned through experience that you can whack yourself in the head and drop your staff in front of over 300 people and the world, will indeed, keep rotating on it's axis.

Now what does this have to do with my week last week?

Earlier this summer my grandma asked me to do a reading at her funeral.  Knowing that her days were not many, she had spent time planning how she wanted to be celebrated and remembered.  Last Monday afternoon she was set free from her pain and suffering.  On Friday, we made the trip to Killiam to celebrate her life.

Funerals are hard.  I cry at the drop of a hat at the best of times, so funerals are especially hard.  Then add to that the nerves of getting up in front of a large crowd to do a reading.  Add to this that the funeral was being held in the Catholic Church, filled with traditions and practices that I was not familiar with.  Add to this that the reading was from a book of the Catholic Bible that is not part of the Protestant Bible that I am familiar with.  Add to that the full realization and weight of the privilege of being asked to do a reading by the person being remembered.  To say my nerves were nearly shot would be an understatement.

When it was time to do the reading, I was able to walk up to the front of that church and speak clearly.  I give the many opportunities to practice quieting my nerves credit for much of that.  I was able to take a moment to focus my mind and take a cleansing breathe.  I was able to honour my grandma.  That is a gift that I will cherish always.

Folding Therapy

This week has been filled to overflowing with emotion and noise.  I've really struggled to put words to all of it, especially words that I am willing to share with the world.  This morning, I was sitting quietly at the kitchen table after the kids left for school folding cranes.  The feeling of peace that the simple act of making folds on paper was exactly what I needed at that moment.  It provided a quiet moment in the chaos.  It provided a healthy place for my mind to focus.  And I have a pile of cranes now as a bonus!

Reminder of the Why

This weekend we were asked to take a look at the goals we had agreed to and the ones that we had set for ourselves.  We were then asked to ask ourselves why.  Why are these important to you?  Why do them?  With your why in sight, it is easier to push through.

I had not looked at my goals over the summer.  Perhaps that is one of the reasons for my struggles recently.  I have them listed in the front of my journal (that I was negligent to write in faithfully this summer too).  I have read them and have been putting a great deal of thought into my why's.

So why?  Why for starters did I sign up for the IHC program?  Why do I keep coming back year after year?  Why do I find it hard to imagine my life now without this program?

As I write this, my grandma is lying in a hospital bed in her final days, perhaps minutes.  Situations like this give us time to truly reflect on what is most important in life.  When I think of her, I see over 90 years of dedication to family, her faith and her community.  I see a marriage that has lasted over 70 years.  I see a woman who has had to fight for her health multiple times over her life and is a true survivor.  I see a quiet inner strength and dedication that is truly impossible to put into words.

So why?  I want to be the best possible version of me that I can possibly be.  In some cases, it is clear what I want to achieve.  I want to be an amazing wife, mom and friend.  I want to be strong and healthy.  None of this happens by accident but with great intention.  In other areas, it is not so clear.  That is the beauty of goals that lead to inner discovery.  I do not know in every case what this best possible version of me looks like and that is ok.  None of this is a one and done thing.  It is a process of waking up each morning and doing what I can do in that day and then starting over the next day and repeating.  Some days can feel like you've made some progress, others you can feel like you've backslid.  The important thing is to keep keeping on.  I will not reach this best possible version of me by chance or by luck.  

So today, I will do what I can do.  Then tomorrow, I will do it again.

Goodbye Summer... Goodbye Stinkin' Thinkin'

Today I spent the most wonderful day with my family at Fort Edmonton Park.  It was exactly what I needed to end this season.

With back to school looming in the morning, I will do my best to stiffle a happy dance at about 9:00 tomorrow morning.  It is time to refocus for all of us.  The chillaxed pace of summer was nice in many ways but it has left me with the need to get back on track.

The first step in this process actually started on Friday.  It was such a beautiful night out.  I poured myself a glass of wine and went out to my deck to catch up on MightyNetworks...  Yikes!  I was more than a little behind on my reading but the messages you all had to share were so encouraging.  Then I took some advice that Sifu T. Beckett left on my last blog and I sat down with my own journal and wrote.  Her advice was to write a letter to myself as if I was not me but someone else.  I find it so easy to encourage others but find it really hard to not beat myself up.  My internal dialog is brutal to put it nicely.  I would never dream of saying the words that I use on myself on anyone else ever.  I wrote to myself with love and grace and it was so good.

Tonight was the next step in the process.  It is all well and good to give yourself a pep talk but at some point you need to acknowledge exactly where things are at.  I spent some time and updated my kung fu log...  It is looking pretty empty for the summer.  I know that I did more than my log reflects BUT I did not write it down so it is gone.  The numbers are pretty humbling really but tonight I am choosing to not beat myself up over what is in the past.  I can't change that I did not do very much to progress many of my goals this summer.  I can't change that in some cases what I did do is not documented.  What I can do is take a deep breathe and start moving forward.

That brings me to the final step in this process for now...  Just do something!  I did a couple sets of push ups.  I am going to post this blog and then I am going to do some more plus some sit ups.  Then I am going to sit down with my journal and write about my wonderful day and how great it feels to be getting back on track.  I am going to write down the things I am grateful for and any acts of kindness I can remember from the past couple days.  Then it's off to bed with a book.

Tomorrow feels like a fresh start and I am ready to leave the stinkin' thinkin' behind and get back to business!

Finding Value in Your Story

I have been giving some serious thought lately to the value of keeping a journal.  This is one topic that seems to come up very regularly.  Rarely does a month go by without a poke that we need to be consistently documenting our journey.

I definitely see the value in keeping a journal.  For the majority of the first two years of my IHC journey I faithfully kept a daily journal.  I would write about the highs and lows of the day.  I would write down my acts of kindness.  I would write about what I have to be grateful for.  This was the one requirement that really helped me stay engaged.  It kept my heart and mind in the game.

This summer I have allowed mediocrity to slip in and the journalling has stopped.  If this is the number one requirement that keeps me engaged - why have I allowed this to happen?  The answer is complicated.

I did go back and read my journals for the past two years.  They hold so much...  My journey has not been easy.  They are filled with truimphs and tears and then more tears and frustration and overwhelm.  I had no idea of what life would look like when I signed up yet I am so grateful that I did.  The people, the requirements, the accountability has often been what has kept me putting one foot in front of the other.  My journals tell a hard, emotional story of someone who just refused to give up.  The story is mine yet it is not one I would have chosen.  I suppose I would have chosen an easier journey filled with mountain top experiences.  That easier story would not be filled with the hard lessons I have learned and the internal strength I have had to find.  Perhaps with time I grow to truly appreciate that story but as of late it has left me feeling a wee bit funky.

Yet, here I sit with my journal and I just can't seem to open it and put pen to paper.  That inability to act has then seeped into other areas of my journey.  I know what I need to do.  I need to just go open it.

The irony of the whole situation is that my sister bought me this journal specifically for this purpose.  This is a picture of the front cover.  For the past month I have allowed that cover to intimidate me instead of motivate me.  So...  I'm going to go sit down and write for at five minutes before I get ready to head to class.

Life Really Did Happen...

Anniversaries have a way of bringing about an array of emotions.  There are happy anniversaries like wedding anniversaries, the birth of a child or other major life milestones reached.  There are hard anniversaries like the death of a loved one.  The one thing they all have in common is that each one signals a significant life change for the people who continue to be impacted throughout the years.

For our family, today is one of those anniversaries.  For me in particular it is a hard one.  Two years ago the life of my family was altered in a split second when someone failed to slow down for a stop sign.  I could have never imagined the path that our family would travel after.

I am physically as healed as I am ever going to be but I am different.  I know that we are all different at the end of each day than we are when we start but this is much more pronounced that those types of changes.  I have a new brain and some days I still struggle as I am learning how to best operate it.  The journey has been hard but I have learned so much about myself and my family in the process.

The past few weeks have been especially hard.  I would have thought at this stage of the game it would be easier but it has not been.  I have been working with a lawyer to finish up my claim.  Unfortunately, that is an extremely negative process.  I have had to document all the time I've spent in appointments and the negative impacts that accident has had on my life.  I have had to go back and read my old journals with the focus of looking for the hard - documenting the overwhelm, anxiety and depression that have been part of the past two years.  I have had to read letters written by professionals who have treated me documenting the long term impacts they foresee for my mental health.  It has been very hard to keep myself in a good headspace while doing this.  Reliving the negative moments has greatly impacted my life.

That day I took a few moments to write a blog.  I am so grateful that I did.  That day I chose to focus on gratitude.  Today I needed to be reminded that even in the hard, there are things to be grateful for.  There is always something to be grateful for.  Sometimes you just need to look a little harder...


http://kbergie.blogspot.ca/2015/08/life-happened.html

Summer Lovin'

I can hardly believe it's already the end of July.  In the chaos of June, I look forward to having things be a little more relaxed for a couple months.  Then I flip the calendar page and it usually does not feel much more relaxed - still great but definitely not relaxed.

July has found us...
* making trips to the lake
* running back and forth from horse camp
* driving through crazy weather to drive to Hunter's Ed camp
* camping
* picking saskatoons by the bucket load
* eating lunch in the pea patch (sh....  don't tell my kids.  That's where I hide...)

In many ways, this month has been therapy for my soul.  I love picking berries and we will not talk about the peas that never seem to make it into my house...  Brings back incredible memories from my childhood.  Being unplugged and away camping was so good - reading by the campfire, walking my sweet Guiness, watching the kids try to catch fish from shore.

As good as this has all been for my soul, it has definitely not been the best for my kung fu or most of my IHC commitments.  The past couple days have been focused on resetting and trying to slide back into some sort of a routine.  I want to look back on the summer with my soul full and not have regrets about where and how I spent my time.

Back to Basics - Learning to Walk

As we progress in our journey in life, we get excited about learning new things.  I have the opportunity to watch a lot of kung fu classes and you see it all the time.  A new concept is introduced and you instantly have the students attention.  It is easy to be engaged when things are all shiny and new.

This morning in class, the old was new.  We started the class off doing Da Mu Hsing which lead to a class on keeping our centres down.  A large portion of the class was spent slide stepping back and forth across the kwoon.  As I type this, I fully realize that this does not sound very exciting.  A whole class on slide stepping...  But it was awesome!!!  

The big light bulb moment today for the entire class was right near the end of class.  When we slide step, we are taught to slide our foot along the earth, to maintain contact.  The issue was we were all doing that with our toes and then that was our first contact when stepping forward.  That is not how you walk!  Or maybe it is, but you shouldn't be.  The first point of contact when stepping forward is the heel.  So why on earth would slide stepping be any different.  Same with stepping backwards - the heel is the last to leave the mats, not the toe.  Once this little (but huge) correction was made, it changed everything about our weight transfer.  So basic but there were light bulbs and fireworks going off all over the place for all of us in the class.

Thank you Sifu Hayes for an incredible class.  So basic yet so important!  Today I relearned how to walk and now I need to go work on putting this new gem into some forms.  I have a feeling that things may feel a little broken for awhile but isn't that how it always is with the best lessons. 

Taking Out the Trash

Last Friday our team was provided with an opportunity to serve our community at the Aboriginal Days celebration.  I was blessed to be able to take part.  The work was not glamorous...  Picking up garbage and empty trash cans is definitely not high profile work but it is highly necessary when you have that many people all together and especially when there is food involved.

Litter...  Definitely gets up close to the top of my pet peeves list.  I simply can't wrap my brain around how anyone feels that they have the right to just throw their garbage where ever and expect someone else to just come along and pick it up.  Really people...  Just clean up after yourselves.  The amount of litter that I see on a daily basis brings out many not so fantastic emotions in me.

On Friday, there was time to see humanity in action on this issue.  There were sweet little people who dropped their napkins or had them blown away in the wind while mom was busy attending to others.  I am happy to help out that sweet momma who is doing her best - I well remember those crazy days.  There were people (actually the majority) who diligently moved all of their trash to the garbage as soon as they were finished with it.  Yay!  There were people who just threw their orange peelings on the ground and walked away (and when they are handing out free oranges and watermelon, there were lots of peels).  I understand that they make great compost and that they are bio-degradable BUT this was not the time or the place to put that belief into practice.

One of the things that I surprised me the most was the number of half drank disposable coffee cups that were just abandoned everywhere.  I am going to make an assumption that these cups belonged to adults.  Shame on you!  In one case, it was left on the water fountain just outside the washrooms.  Definitely how to not set a good example.

Then I had other opportunities to cheer on the people around me.  One teacher hunted me down to get a garbage bag so that his class could clean up the hillside they were eating lunch on.  But my favourite story was one that I did not expect.  I was walking along the back of the building picking up bits of garbage as I made my way around.  A young fellow started picking up garbage as he walked towards me and then asked if he could put it in my bag!!!  That is awesome!

Now that I have that little rant off my chest - I want to thank the team members who were able to come out on Friday.  It was a great day out in the fresh air getting to know each of you a little bit better.  There was great conversation and laughs.  It was fantastic to see this event for the first time.  I was blown away by how well attended it was and what a great job the organizers did of putting it all together.  It was a very well run event.

Now everyone go out and do an act of kindness for our planet and pick up a piece of trash!

Mastery, Perfection, Mediocrity...

So I'm almost done the book I talked about in my last post - The Sweet Spot:  How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work.  After I finished the last post, I picked the book up again and another post started brewing in my mind.

Mastery is a journey.  It is filled with both successes and failures.  It is how we handle each failure that will define the journey and whether or not it will even continue.  This makes perfect sense to me.  There are times in my life where I feel that I have handled setbacks like a champ, pushing through and learning and growing in my journey.  In many cases these setbacks were a gift that gave me a focus.  My first year I had two major setbacks.  The second year I was still recovering from the second setback.  I started this year, year three, ready to conquer this journey.  I was healthy and for the first time truly believed that I could actually meet each of my requirements.

Here I sit...  At my computer mid-June and I have to fully admit that in most cases I am horribly behind on my requirements.  What happened?!?

With reflection I believe that there are two factors that largely have played into my current situation.  My mom says I always worked best under pressure.  The need to have a laser focus on something - like when I was fighting my way back from injury helped me push even when it was hard.  This year, I have struggled to maintain that focus without the adversity and have allowed mediocrity to slip in.

The second factor is that once again I need to acknowledge my perfectionist tendencies.  This is not a helpful tendency in any way shape or form.  As I mentioned, I started my year off physically and mentally ready for the challenge.  The perfectionist in me was whoop whooping away ready to conquer the world.  That is until I started to fall behind.  As I fell behind, that perfectionist was working hard to calculate just what was needed to catch up.  Perfection leaves no room for failure.  As that gap grew bigger and bigger, it was harder and harder to motivate that perfectionist to even do anything.  Then enter in some stinkin thinkin...  I was not very kind to myself with my thoughts which was also not very motivating.  Then on top of the rotten self-talk, came the weak excuses.  The cycle went round and round as mediocrity would win one round after another after another.

Now back to the book...  The author has a three step plan for getting back on the right path.  The first step is to feel what you feel.  This is all about mindfulness and acknowledging what is truly going on.  We can't fix what we don't bother to face but we need to do it in a non-judgemental way.  I have really struggled with the non-judgemental part personally.  The second step ties into that by untangling your thoughts.  In this step she talked a lot about replacing negative self-talk with self-compassion.  This is definitely not to be confused with making excuses but accepting "to err is human" and allowing ourselves the space and ability to move to step three.  Step three is to take responsibility and course-correct.

I still have a lot to work through in this process - most of which will likely happen in my personal journal.  You're welcome!  I will spare you all the messiness of my thought life.  I did want to share this much for a couple of reasons.  The first one is completely selfish.  I know me and I know that I am likely going to need this reminder again and again so I am recording it here for myself.  The other reason is that I know there are others of you out there who are struggling.  I want to encourage all of us to take a deep breathe, accept where we are honestly at and then truly start moving forward.  I may not meet my goals this year, but I can focus on getting a little closer each day.

It's Hard & It's Supposed To Be

I've reading this book called The Sweet Spot - How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work.  Most of what I was reading at the beginning was really things I've heard repeatedly about habits, being mindful, focusing outward.  Then this morning when I picked it up and turned the page, the chapter was called Making Hard Things Easy.  Wouldn't you know it - the whole chapter is focused on Mastery.

In her research, the author has found that masters to have three things in common.  The first is that they practice whatever they have mastered deliberately over time.  It is not about having in innate talent or skill but about having put in the time - intentionally and regularly.  The second thing was that they were driven by passion or intrinsic interest.  There has to be an internal driver to keep them going.  No one can push you into mastery and really, external drivers all wear thin and cause us to grow weary in our pursuit.  The final area was persistence when failure or difficulty arises.

So, as someone who has been chasing this concept of mastery for a few years as part of the I Ho Chuan team, none of this is a surprise.  All of this makes sense.  I can rationally think through all of it.  Yet, here I sit today and I am struggling.  I feel that this should not be so hard.  I made a list of goals that were important to me.  I have a plan, all that's left to do is execute the plan.  Why is this so hard?  The author had this quote in the book...

Developing mastery is difficult.  Deliberate practice is uncomfortable; it is often boring or frustrating or agonizing.  Being at the bottom of the learning curve can be deeply humbling.  Challenging situations - so needed for mastery - often lead to pain and failure.  Mastery may be one of the purest forms of ease, but developing mastery is hard.

Developing mastery is hard!  The fact that I am struggling is really part of the process.  Difficulty leads to growth.  This year has been the hardest one yet for me to maintain engagement in the mastery process.  I am taking encouragement in the fact that it is ok that I'm finding this hard.  I have spent some time reflecting on my goals and the why behind them.  They are still relevant and important to me.  Therefore, the next step is back to deliberate practice...

Seriously Dude....

You know the saying - Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes your the bug...

Yes, the past couple weeks I can completely relate to that poor unsuspecting bug that is now splattered across the windshield.  Things have been particularly hard in my personal life.  My heart has been heavy and quite frankly I'm feeling much closer to maxed out than I'd like.  Then to add to the fun, my number one supporter and partner in crime has been working out of town a lot lately so I've been flying solo.  I don't really feel like getting into the details in my public journal but I have definitely spent my share of time writing in my own personal one.

As far as kung fu goes...  I am really struggling.  For the physical aspect, I am extremely grateful for classes because that is as much as I've managed the past couple weeks.  On top of the personal stuff, my hip and neck have been giving me a run for my money the past couple weeks.  For the mental aspect, I am getting a great deal of practice at managing emotions, trying to stay calm, thinking on my feet, knowing when to push forward and when to retreat.  Too bad some of that doesn't count for push ups or sit ups.

Anyways, I am off to deal with today's bowl full of fun...  My girl's Beta fish (Dude, hence the name of the blog) has picked a fine day to float on his side and occasionally thrash around looking like he's fighting for his life.  I'll be shocked if he makes it through the day.  Silly fish...  He can handle being transported to the Csillag home in -30C weather but picks this week to float on his side...  😩

Question, Reflection & Decision

Through the reading and listening that I have been doing this past year, two questions keep coming back at me.  The first one is "What size is your plate?"  The second one is "How do you want to show up in the world?"

What size is your plate?  Perhaps it is this question that put my mind into that whole buffet line with the rolling meatballs visual last week.  It is a question that needs to be answered.  The size of your plate really dictates how you should approach the buffet line of life.  For years, I have believed and lived as if I had one serious platter that I was carrying around.  The sky was the limit.  There was never the need to say no to anyone or anything.  I could do it all.  So! Not!! True!!!  The more I reflect on this question, the smaller my plate appears to be.  Honestly, I feel as though my plate is shrinking...

How do you want to show up in the world?  This question really speaks to character for me.  Not just what I say I believe but to truly live out what I believe - actually walking the walk.

I feel that these two questions compliment one another in reflecting on our lives and choices.  As I overfill my plate, I am not able to show up in the world in a way that is consistent with what I value.  I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on this and the answer seems so clear but for someone who has an imaginary platter, is so hard.  I need to learn to say no and protect my time better.  I no longer can say yes to every wonderful and awesome opportunity that presents itself.  I just need to say no!

This is so hard for me but in the past couple days I have said no twice now.  The first one was to officially step back from a weekly volunteer position that I have done for years.  I loved the time that I was able to give but in the past few months I have found that I have had to cancel more often than I have been able to show up.  My plate is too full and that is not how I want to show up in the world.  The answer was obvious that this may just not be the right season for me to be doing this activity, yet to step back was oh so hard.  The second one was just minutes ago.  I chose to say no to a personal invite that I would have loved to jump all over.  My calendar this month is pretty full and I need to protect every single bit of white space on it.  This outing fell within a white space but I chose to say no because I know that come mid-week next week, I will be wishing for more white space.  I am grateful that the friend I had to say no to struggles with many of the same battles and totally understood.

I know in both of these situations, I have made the right choice.  I asked good questions, I reflected and thought through the answers and made a good decision based on that.  In reality - it really sucks to say no!  Perhaps with time I will learn to see the freedom in this practice but honestly for today I'm feeling a few sour grapes...

Life in the Buffet Line

I have been struggling for a variety of reasons to sit down this week and put something out there for the world.  Part of the reason was busyness and part of it was just trying to slow my mind enough to even write something that may be coherent.  This morning on my walk I was thinking about this whole situation and a picture came to mind.

Imagine you are at a huge buffet.  There is a long table of food and all of it looks super yummy!  You pick up your plate and you start at the one end.  There are lots of salads and veggies, then onto the main dishes.  Before you realize it, your plate is so full that you can hardly believe it.

This is a picture of life in my world right now.  Everywhere I look I see fantastic opportunities - all that yummy food.  I walk through and think I can handle a little of that and oh, I'd like to sample a little of that, and yup, that would be good for me too.  I don't have the right to complain about the state of my plate.  I put the items on it.  One by one, I have added to life.

This past long weekend was fantastic.  I was sampling a little from the dessert table at that point.  We worked outside as a family (don't ask the kids if that was like dessert, they will definitely have a different answer).  Then Sunday we played mini golf and just hung out as a family.  Lots of time spent together and the added bonus, our yard was looking fantastic (until yesterday's wind, but that is another story all together).  The dessert was great.

Then the beginning of the week hit and I found that I had not so strategically placed some meatballs on the top of my plate or somehow they had managed to work their way to the top.  Now these meatballs no longer wanted to stay on the plate.  They were rolling all over the place and needed to be dealt with immediately so that they would not hit the floor.  After a couple long days in front of the computer the meatballs have been tamed down but are ever perched at the edge of the plate.

Then there is the salad and the veggies that I mentioned first.  I happen to like salad.  In this story, kung fu is the salad.  The problem is, between the dessert, the meatballs and all of the other things piled up on that plate - for the life of me I have not been able to find the salad!!!  I know it's under there.  I know how good it is for me.

Today I've been spending some time just trying to figure out what exactly is all on that plate.  I did dig down and find a little salad.  Mostly though, I need to figure out just how much I can safely put on my plate and still enjoy the meal.

Finding My Rhythm - Starting with Monday

Rhythm - a strong, regular repeated pattern of movement or sound OR a regularly recurring sequence of events or processes.

Once again, it is all about perspective...  You talk to people out in the working world with a 9-5 job and they often will say that they would love the flexibility of working from home.  You talk to someone who works from home and often they say that they lack that structure needed to succeed that the 9-5 set up provides.

I have been blessed to be a work from home mom for the past ten years.  I have definitely struggled with the second statement.  I love having the flexibility that being at home provides so that I can put my family first while still being able to work.  That is a beautiful thing!  In that beauty there is a constant struggle it seems.  I have no isolation of my roles and I often feel pulled every which way.

For the last couple years, my constant mindset was that I needed to just set working hours.  I needed to decide what time I was going to sit down every day and then train my people that those hours were for working - much like a person does who leaves and goes into work each and every day.  I had thought that my family would be the biggest obstacle in this.  They are used to me being available 24-7 and have been known to take advantage of that.

It turns out that they are not my biggest obstacle.  I am!!!  Isn't that humbling....

My office is right smack in the middle of our open concept living space.  I love being right in the middle of the action and did I mention - my view out the window in front of my desk is awesome!!!  I would not chose to put my desk in any other place in our home (which is why my sweet hubbie rearranged the entire house to make this work).  My battle is in the distractions that my to do list provides.  I have work to do's and I have home to do's and because of my physical location I feel the pull to be doing them all at the same time.  I sit down to work and my washing machine summons me.  I can see the dust bunnies and the front flower bed in need of some serious love.  I start to clean the bathrooms and as I walk by my work area, I see the piles of client files that need attention.

I have found that this setting of regular work hours based on the clock is not working for me.  Instead, I am starting to embrace some rhythms in my life - starting with Mondays.  Monday was always one of my biggest struggle.  All my peeps head out the door.  I finally have that feeling of some control over my own schedule where I do not have to take their wants and needs into consideration and can just get down to work.  BUT...  My house is turned somewhat upside down from the weekend and I have a list of to do's a mile long.  Historically, I would try to do it all.  Yup, super woman syndrome.  I would get in the middle of changing the beds, cleaning the bathrooms and doing laundry, all while trying to sit at my desk and work.  Then all of sudden 3:30 seems to appear and I am in the middle of everything.  My stress level rises and I start running around like a crazy person trying to finish it all up before the school bus drops my kids off.

The last few weeks, I have released myself from doing any work on Mondays.  I have decided that for the rhythm of my life and family that Monday is best spent as a day to prepare for the rest of the week by focusing on preparing my environment.  After I send my family off to conquer the world, I take my sweet fur boy for his morning walk (it's a daily rhythm he has come to expect), write my blog for the week (yes, I know it's Tuesday but sometimes rhythms get disrupted) and then head out to kung fu.  The rest of the day is dedicated to my household to do's so that they are not screaming as loudly for the rest of the week.  By focusing, things are actually getting finished instead of partially done.  My state of mind is better when my family returns to a home that feels a little more like a hug than like chaos.

Releasing myself to focus on only one area of my life has had huge benefits the past few weeks.  I am still working to find rhythms that work in other areas of my life but this is definitely a good start.  Trying to set a rigid schedule really has not been a successful way for me to structure my life so instead I am looking to get some simple routines that fit the natural rhythms.  When you shift your perspective, sometimes crazy wonderful things happen.  Not only did the beds get changed, three loads of laundry fully done, bathrooms cleaned and supper made, I was able to spend 2 hours at my desk working.  There was no pressure to sit and get that work done, just the wonderful feeling of choice because I had focused well on the other area.

I still have much to learn and experiment with in this area of rhythms and routines.  We are in the middle of shift in our evening rhythms because of a change in our kung fu schedule.  So far we've managed to make it work and still sit down and eat as a family.  The goal is to take much of the decision making out of the mundane, repetitive parts of life so that I can save that mental energy for loving my peeps.

Playing Games

At the end of the meeting yesterday Sifu Brinker asked who was struggling.  There were a lot of hands that were put up.  The IHC program is challenging.  Any year long commitment alone is hard to keep momentum on.  It is easy to get to a place where you are struggling.


Today I posted my YTD numbers.  They are not fantastic.  They are definitely not on track.  I knew where my numbers were on Saturday, yet I did not put my hand.  A couple of weeks ago, I would have had my hand in the air, but not this weekend.  So why?


I originally joined kung fu because I needed some physical activity.  I was gently pushed out onto the mats by a great group of moms.  I have stayed because of the relationships that I have formed and because I usually have a blast on the mats.  A positive state of mind really can't be underestimated.  When I am in a positive state of mind, I can work harder and I can hear the lessons being given clearer.


So why can't the IHC program be fun?  I know the requirements that this mastery program sets forth do not sound like fun.  Honestly the first time I heard them I thought they were absolutely impossible.  Even when I signed up my first year, they sounded like a pipe dream.  I have discovered that this is not true.  I have also discovered for me it is all about perspective.


There has been a great deal of talk about perspective lately.  I have struggled over the winter with my mental state and hence my perspective.  With spring finally trying to poke through, I have felt a real rebirth in my mental attitude.  I am really ready to pursue the best me that I can be.  One of the key factors in doing this, at least for me, is that it has got to be fun.  So how to make the IHC fun...  Make it into a game!


For the past couple weeks I have been playing a little game with myself.  On Monday's I take stock of where my numbers are at - that is not always fun but really necessary.  If you don't know where you are, how can you figure out where you are going?  Then I set what I've heard called stretch goals.  This is not the 960ish push ups/sit ups or 21  form reps/AoK.  I am a little behind, and I want to push.  I set my goals higher than these numbers but still try to be somewhat realistic.  Then I go about seeing if I can meet these goals.  Some days I rock out the reps.  Yay me!  Some days I really don't.  I am finding that this perspective is helping.  My weekly rep totals are increasing each week.  I am not beating myself up for not meeting my goals and sometimes missing a day when life gets in the way.  I am having fun which has lead to more progress than white knuckling it ever has produced consistently.


For those of you who are struggling, I challenge you today to find a way to make it fun.  Remember why you wanted to join this program in the first place and I bet it was not to make yourself feel terrible but to grow.  Jump in!  Do something and then go record it!  Write a blog and tell us about it!  Let's have some fun and play some games together!

Opportunity vs Procrastination

Procrastination is definitely a struggle I am familiar with.  Do I have any friends out there?  I know what I need to do but often it just does not seem to get done.  Some areas of life seem more prone than others to this.  One area of my life that has seemed to be an issue is professional development.


Many of you may or may not know, that I am an accountant.  Many years of school and many hours working resulted in a level of certification.  In order to keep the professional side of my life happy, it is mandated that I do a certain number of hours of development each year.  Makes perfect sense...  We need the people handling certain areas of our lives to remain current.  I like to learn.  This really should not be an issue right???


Well, since I left the full-time workforce 11 years ago, this has been a struggle.  I started up my own little bookkeeping practice to keep my fingers in it and to keep my mind from going moldy but I have always made sure that my clients see another accountant to have their taxes done.  I know that because of my situation, I am not the best person to be advising others in this area.


One of the bonuses to being an employee is that companies are motivated to have their people remain current too.  They provide in house training and are willing to send you out to seminars and courses to keep you current.  These opportunities are often quite expensive and my current boss (me) seems o have a very limited budget to pay for these opportunities.  I am required to have 40 hours of development with at least 20 hours of verifiable learning each year.  I have had to get creative looking for opportunities that are both low cost (or better yet free), that are interesting and relevant to what I am doing while still meeting that verifiable criteria.


In the past, I have found myself in a scramble in December (the worst time of year to have to add anything at all to your schedule or budget), trying to cram in the required number of hours.  In the fight against procrastination, I have set deadlines for myself using my personal goals as part of the IHC.  Each year as I learn what is not working or realistic, I have tweaked those goals.  This year the goal was to be 60% done by the end of June and completely done by the end of November.  The idea was to push hard at the beginning of the year, allow the summer to be taken off and then finish it up in the fall.


Well, that is not what happened this year.  A couple weeks ago I stumbled across an online business summit where there were webcasts by business leaders over the period of 10 days.  I have read some of the books by these leaders or had at least heard of them.  Then the most awesome part!!!  These webcasts were going to be free!!!  But there was a catch.  They would be released at a specific time and would only be available for 24 hours.  This was an opportunity that needed to either be jumped on or paid for.  I chose to jump on it.


Procrastination did not win this round!  I have finished all of my professional development requirements for the 2017 year! 


Does this mean that I am done learning for the year?  Nope!  I love to learn but it does free me up to do it at my own leisure and not with any stress attached.  I also took pages and pages of notes, so I have lots of ideas to review and implement going forward.

Sustainability

Sustainability - able to be used without being completely used up or destroyed

This is a concept that I've been giving a great deal of thought to lately.  The definition above is not the first one that popped up when I googled it but it most certainly matched where my thoughts have been.


Mastery is a relentless journey.  It is a destination that cannot every be truly reached and it is extremely easy to get off in the weeds of mediocrity.  It is life long journey.  I plan to live a very long time and, therefore, my journey then will also be very long.


Our society is very driven by instant gratification.  We want it all and we want it now.  In our drive to have it all now, often little thought is given to sustainability.  We see that in our environment, in our relationships, in our health, in nearly every single area of our lives.


Considering the choices we have all made to be in the IHC, physical health is obviously a priority to each of us.  For those of us who are still queue belts, we are working towards our next belt with the ultimate goal of becoming a black belt someday.  For years the thought of that "someday" was safely tucked away in the "that'll never happen" place of my brain.  As I get closer, I am finding that I am starting to look at the requirements to grade and thinking about how I could start preparing.  I know that I need to lose some extra weight, gain strength, stamina, flexibility and quite honestly a belief that it is possible.  Yet in all of this, I recognize that I am not a spring chicken any longer and that this journey needs to be addressed in a sustainable manner.  I do not want a black belt at all cost.  I do not want to be completely used up or destroyed in the process.


I recognize that I am participating in a martial art.  I know that injuries can and do happen.  I look around the kwoon and there are injured people everywhere.  I have my own issues that I am already dealing with in my hips and knees.  I recognize that pain and aches will be a part of the process.  I am working to recognize when a pain is a slap an Advil on it and carry on kind of pain and when a pain is a better get that checked out kind of pain.  I had a great talk with Sifu Hayes last week on this topic and he has given me some action items that I am working on pursuing.


Anyways, that has been where my thoughts have been especially focused over the past week.  Now off to keep moving forward in a slow, steady, sustainable fashion!  Off to class I go....

Mastery in the Day to Day

I've been doing a great deal of reflection around the process of mastery and what it means in my life this week.  It all started with a podcast that I was listening to last week while driving around.  I've developed the habit of turning one on when I'm in the car, especially if I am alone but even sometimes I subject my kids to them...  I can't tell you where I was driving or even the name of the podcast but I distinctly remember some of the statements that were made about mastery.


A good place to start on any journey is a definition.  Definitions like comprehensive knowledge or skill in a subject were what the internet was giving me.  At first that definition felt a little less than inspiring until then I used the great google machine to look up comprehensive.  The definition of comprehensive is complete.  Then I tried to apply that definition to the mastery of life.  Yup, that would be why we focus on the process and not the destination because I honestly don't believe we can ever have complete knowledge or understanding of anything.  So here we are on a journey towards an unreachable destination.


Then enter the thoughts from the podcast...  They were discussing how everyone says that they want to live a life of mastery and many start out on the journey but few continue down the path.  Based on my experience with the I Ho Chuan, that seems to represent what I see time and time again.  We all start the year super excited and then many fizzle.  This is in a group of people who believe they want mastery so badly that they were willing to sign up to do some pretty crazy requirements and pay money to do them.  This is in a group that has tremendous support networks built into it.  The podcast described the actual journey of mastery in several very unattractive terms such as boring, tedious, monotonous...  Not very attractive for sure but really very accurate. 


In a society that is filled with shiny opportunities, it is hard to do the hard work of mastery.  The shiny is always ready to pull us away from the hard work mastery requires.  The thought of mastery may be shiny which is why many are attracted to the concept BUT it is in the day to day that progress is made.  It is in dropping to do those push ups and sit ups.  It is in doing the form reps.  It is in writing down each and every number.  It is in this daily steps that many people get lost and fall off.


So how do we keep on the path?  How do we fight the shiny that society throws our way?  For me, the most valuable tools have been tracking my numbers and reflecting on my journey both in my personal journal and in my weekly public journal.  By no means has my journey been characterized by consistency - currently my numbers are not even close to where they need to be.  BUT I keep picking myself back up and putting myself back on the path.


For those of you who are nailing your journey this year - keep up the great work!  You inspire us!


For those of you who are struggling right now - reach out, dust yourself off and start again.  Pick just one requirement and go do it now (and then record it somewhere).  Together we can keep heading in the right direction.

Small Tweak, Huge Benefit

One of my personal requirements since I started this journey years ago was to keep a daily personal reflection and prayer journal.  It was to be my daily check in with myself.  A time to look at my successes, to look at where I am falling short and to make a plan for correction.  Keeping a daily eye on where you are and where you want to be helps to keep life a little more on course.  Even when it is off course, you know exactly where the issue is.  No hiding....


I have found over the past year or so that a pattern has developed in my daily journals.  One of my character attributes is that I set very high standards for myself.  This is a benefit in the sense that it I am always wanting to grow and learn to improve myself.  There is a not so awesome side to this too though.  I am not always realistic when setting expectations for myself.  Really, why can't I do it all, perfectly, right now...  As I reflect back looking at my journals, there is a great deal of negativity.  I wake up ready to face the day.  I make a list of things to get done that no mere mortal can accomplish.  I obviously do not even make a small dent in it.  Then I journal about how I failed again.  Not a great way to close a day.  Not great thoughts to be filling my mind with as I drift off to sleep.  Then I would get tired of the cycle so I would take a break from journaling.  Then I would get upset with myself for that as well.  Negative, negative, negative....


This last week I've been experimenting with journaling in the morning instead.  I have to say - I am loving it!!!  Mornings are so filled with hope and promise.  This gives me a place and space to work through my thoughts when they are in a positive light.  This allows me to look at my day very proactively.  I am working through my tendencies to over plan and over expect.  I am working through how to be more realistic with myself and then be kinder to myself.  I am working through the managing my emotions during the stresses of life (especially the stresses I place upon myself trying to be perfect).  This is allowing me to set a positive intention for my day and gives me a place to go back and really look at it.  If I want to sit and journal again at night, the option is still there.  I am finding though, that the lens that I use to look at my day is a little less clouded with negativity when I look at it after a good nights sleep.


Just a small tweak but over the last week, I have seen huge benefits already.

A Battle Cry!

The possibility of mediocrity exists for everyone, because being mediocre simply means choosing- whether consciously or unconsciously- to be the same as you've always been. Mediocrity has nothing to do with how you compare to other people; it's simply a result of not making a commitment to continuously learn, grow, and improve yourself. Whereas being extraordinary- which leads to extraordinary levels of success- is a result of choosing to learn, grow, and be just a little bit better each day than you've been in the past.  - Hal Elrod in The Miracle Morning

 I'm not going to lie.  The past few weeks have been really tough for me.  Physically, I have not felt this good in probably close to 15 years.  Mentally, though, I've been a hot mess.  In my mental messiness, many of my requirements have taken quite a beating.  Then, I was beating myself up about that, which only leads to more mess.  On and on this cycle goes...  I know that many of my fellow teammates have also fallen into this cycle at some point in the past or are even struggling with it now.


One of my requirements that I have been able to stay on top of though is reading.  The Miracle Morning has been on my reading list since last fall, even before Mr. Beeler started singing it's praises.  This past week, I did finally move it to the top and start reading it.  I am finding that one of my biggest personal obstacles is the honest belief that I will get to it later and then later doesn't seem to happen.  The thought then is to rearrange my morning so that there is not need to run out of time later because the things that need doing are taken care of.


In my messiness and personal self beatings, the above quote was like a soothing balm.  I know that my forward momentum towards mastery has been taking a slower trajectory than I hoped or set goals for lately.  One thing is for sure though, no matter how hard or messy things are, I have not given up.  Every single day I have my goals in my mind and I am making intentional progress.  I may not be making enough progress to successfully complete them all but I am working on it daily.  My hope is that this quote can maybe bring some peace and comfort to others who are also struggling with the trajectory of their journey.


Here's to never giving up!

Gratitude in the Storm

Lately every day has felt like a battle in the ring.  Life has been throwing knock out punch after knock out punch.  I am feeling very knocked around but I keep getting back up.  I know that I have not been my usual self.  Here's a glimpse into the mess I've been battling.


Last week, I started Monday off with my blog.  I had my life lessons and goals in front of me.  I had an opportunity to go listen to my girl sing with her choir - the voices of sweet angels.  I was nailing it, that is until my mom texted.  My Uncle passed away unexpectedly earlier that day.  The rest of the day felt like a bit of a blur.


Last month my Grandmother was diagnosed with bladder cancer.  This woman is tough as nails and has beat cancer before.  We've watched a close family friend fight this same cancer and appears to be winning the battle.  As a family, we know first hand that this is a difficult battle but were choosing to be optimistic.  Wednesday she was scheduled for her first surgery to go in and take a good look and remove what they could.  She came though the procedure like a the strong woman that she is.


Thursday our optimism took a significant blow.  The doctors did remove what they felt they could.  They did say that if she had been in her 50s instead of in her 90s, they would have removed her entire bladder.  Due to her age, they made a quality of life decision instead.  They are in the process of figuring out just how aggressive this particular cancer is.  Right now the stance being taken is a focus on quality of life instead of beating this cancer at all costs.  Even when you understand the reasons for the decision, it is still hard to swallow. 


Add to this that we are discovering more and more as Grandma is away at the hospital that my Grandfather's mind is failing quickly.  Bless their hearts, they have been thick as thieves hiding mental and physical issues from the world.  They have been married over 70 years and had decided that they were going to take on the world so that they could stay in their home.  It is becoming more and more apparent to everyone that this is not an option for much longer.  So many heartbreaking decisions that need to be made.


I feel like life is a total storm right now.  I feel like I can't take too many more punches.  Yet in all of this, I am working to focus on gratitude.  I have so much to be grateful for.  It is the good things in life that help me to get back up off the mats after yet another punch.  Besides the obvious things like faith, family and health, one of the things I am so grateful for is kung fu and the IHC.  It gives me an outlet and structure when my days are blurry and messy.  It has given me another family and support network when things are hard.


That all said, I am sad to say that I will not be at the meeting on Saturday.  I find the meetings so beneficial.  It is like family therapy and I always come out of them ready to conquer the next month.  Instead at that same time, I will be in Calgary celebrating the life of my Uncle.  I will be where I most need to be and where my Mom also most needs me to be.  I'm not exactly sure when we will be heading south but we will be around the kwoon as always this week until we leave.


Now off to breath in life and gratitude.  It's what is keeping me moving forward.

Lessons in the Funk

My mental space the past couple weeks has been a dark, messy, funky place to hang out.  I'm not sure if it's the time of year, the fact that winter just won't vanish, the lack of time in the sunshine, life stresses, exhaustion, lingering post-concussion issues...  What I do know is that my natural bent right now is to hibernate and hide from the world.  Yet, since I am a person and not a bear, this is not an acceptable solution.


While hibernating, my go to way to spend my time (besides napping) is reading.  The book I am currently reading has provoked a lot of thought.  The focus of the book is to not care about everything, just the right things so that you can really make a difference.  Then on top of that to not focus on the happy, shiny places all the time seeking them out but to shift your focus to what you are doing in the hard times instead.  We can't all live on the mountain top all of the time.  Life is not a chronic trip to the beach.  If this is our expectation, then we are setting ourselves up for a great deal of disappointment.  Instead the writer encourages the focus to shift onto how you live when you are not soaring.  To recognize lessons learned in life and to celebrate them on your journey.


The chapter I finished yesterday talked about choices.  We make choices in every second of our lives.  We are choosing to either do something or not do something.  Then he shifted to owning responsibility.  This can be a tough one to swallow sometimes.  We live in a society that loudly plays the blame game.  People everywhere are quick to point the finger at someone else and to live like they are entitled.  He very clearly addressed the difference between fault and responsibility.  We do not have to accept fault for everything that happens in our lives.  Many things happen to us that we have absolutely no control over.  BUT, we do need to accept responsibility at all time.  Why?  Because we are responsible for what we do in each moment in response.


I have not been making the best choices.  In my funk, I have definitely reacted more than I have responded which has not helped the atmosphere in my home.  I have blamed others for not making me feel totally awesome all the while trying to tell my kids that they should not let the behaviour of others impact their emotions.  If they are to have control and respond, should I not be leading by example.


I have made some good choices too though.  I chose to show up last week instead of hiding at home like I really wanted to.  I pushed myself out into a couple social situations that my first inclination was to put on my fuzzy jammies and totally avoid.  Things were by far not great but I did not give up.


With that, I am off to own my choices today and to try to embrace the lessons that I am learning.  Wouldn't it be super exciting to quit having to learn the same lesson over and over!  To finally get it!  That's the goal here.  Then I can move on to the next lesson because life is a journey and we are never done growing.

The Flip Side of Opportunities

Just finished plowing through the huge number of blogs posted this weekend.  Well done team!!! 


Monday is supposed to be my blog day.  Even last night I was not really sure what I was going to write about but after reading the blogs this morning, I decided to share how my week has gone in light of my last blog.


Last week I shared how super excited I was with all the opportunities that were all around me.  I was jumping on board left and right ready to knock my goals out of the park.


So how did the week go?  I made a great deal of progress on some of my goals.  I did go to knitting class and despite being teased by my family about being old, I did make a dishcloth.  Technically, I have met my goal for the year.  I have learned to knit and I did make a project.  I am not done though!  I have two more classes which means at least two more projects.  For last week this was my big win.


I also had a smaller win by getting started on another personal goal that I had been previously stuck on.  It's a long term one, so there will be no quick hit of adrenaline and then success on this one.  Slow and steady progress - at least I am started.


As for the rest of the week, I'm not really entirely sure where it went.  I was all go and crazy busy.  I was eating right, getting in extra workouts, hitting my reps, working away at my goals  BUT my life was really unbalanced.  There were other areas that were put on hold to make this happen (Sifu Rybak's ball dropping analogy).  This weekend was hard.  I more or less started crashing on Saturday.  Then Sunday the bottom fell out.  I was an overwhelmed, anxious, stress out, exhausted, grouchy mess.  Reading Sifu R. Langner's blog about pacing his goals and Ms. Kohut's blog about priorities hit me with so much to work through this morning.


I have never been great at the balancing act.  One of the professionals I worked with while healing my concussion was constantly reminding me that I was not Superwoman, nor did I need to be.  Realistic expectations of what I am able to accomplish in a day is something I am still practicing.


Anyways, I am off to do it ALL!!!  Oh wait, no, I'm off to try to make a more realistic plan for my week that will help combat the feeling of chaos and overwhelm in my poor brain.

So Many Little Opportunities

Today I am really pumped about my journey!  My groove isn't completely back but the consistency is coming and things are definitely headed in the right direction.  My numbers are no where close to where they need to be.  So why then am I so pumped?  Life has handed me a huge pile of little opportunities in the past week and I have chosen to grab on to them.


The first opportunity came through a podcast I was listening to last week as I was driving.  The speaker was talking about a bible study that she was putting together along with a challenge group for Lent.  The focus for the 40 days of Lent was decluttering life.  The challenge was to get rid of 10 things each day to make room for peace.  Just the kick start I needed on my goal to deep clean and declutter my home!  Definitely not a fun goal but one that I am seeing a huge need to deal with.


The next opportunity came over Facebook.  A lady I know put a call out for help.  She has been struggling with losing weight and was wanting to put together a month long support group to work on eating habits with the end result being weight loss.  I had really cleaned up my diet last fall and had some fantastic success but then Christmas happened....  I let some bad habit slip back in....  The weight has stayed off but I still have not reached my goal.  I jumped on in and that starts today.


Then as I was cleaning out my email -yes, that can be called decluttering too, I found an email from Pam's Woolly Shoppe.  They have a learn to knit class starting tomorrow during the day.  Just three short sessions on Tuesday mornings.  Learning to knit was another goal I had set for this year.  I had planned to maybe use YouTube or ask some of my knitting friends but this screamed accountability and get it done!  Super excited about that one!


Then there is another personal goal that I have been struggling to get started on.  Yesterday during the sermon at church, I was given different perspective on where to start and that has me excited too.


Finally, my weapon form...  The idea of making up my own form was really stretching me in ways that I was not appreciating.  I love to learn.  I like to ask questions.  I like to get answers to my questions.  Making up your own form doesn't really work like that.  I have been playing with them a fair amount and working through some videos trying to figure out how to do cool things without clubbing myself to death but not really much progress on stringing anything together.  I wasn't overly worried about it.  I had until the end of March.  Then at the meeting Sifu Brinker said that they would be looking at our forms this week.  Yikes!  Since then I have managed to piece together a beginning and an ending and another sequence for a middle.  I just need to smooth out some transitions and I have a rough beta version.


Opportunities do not have to be huge to still be opportunities.  They are everywhere we look if our eyes are open and we are ready to receive them.  Anyways, I am off to get ready for class!

Mental Kung Fu

I have multiple blog posts rolling around inside my head about this past week.  I have been trying to mentally work through it but enough is enough and I need to just sit down and write.  This really could go few ways...


I have not found my groove.  Thanks for the encouraging comments and thank you to those of you who have reached out and asked.  One comment stuck out to me in particular.  It was from Sifu D. Regier and it was about kung fu serving us in all parts of our lives.  What a beautiful reminder that I seem to need over and over again.


My physical requirements have really sat on hold this week.  I have made the conscious choice to do this because I have been using all of my energy reserves to focus on mental and emotional tasks.  I started the week off thinking that I just really need to focus on work and get all my deadlines met and then I could return to kung fu.  Sifu's reminder has helped me reframe and see that even by focusing on my deadlines, I am using my kung fu.


Many of you know that I run my own small bookkeeping business from home.  I have had many of the same clients for nearly 10 years.  They have literally become like family in many cases.  When I sustained my concussion back in August 2015 (that sounds forever ago), I found it very hard to work between staring at a computer screen and long periods of concentration.  I was able to work with my clients to muddle through as the only other choice was to find them someone else.  The doctors kept assuring me that this would just be a minor blip and that I would be good to go in weeks tops.  That has not been the case.


Today I have a much different brain than I had before the accident.  It is deemed fully healed and functional.  Ask Sifu Beckett on her feelings about being deemed good to go, especially when your own definition of all better looks different.  It is very frustrating to say the least.  I am grateful that brains are always growing and changing and I have to opportunity to teach mine some new tricks still.  I am still working on growing the amount of time that I can sustain concentration.  Most days, I can handle about 4 hours of serious head down concentrated work (with lots of breaks).  This week has required much longer periods.  I have been able to double my work times but it has taken a toll.  I am very emotional and struggle to form coherent, full sentences at the end of many days.  This is taking a great deal of discipline (yay!  Kung Fu!).  I have been being very careful to fuel my body properly and hydrate to do what I can to help my brain as well.


Kung fu has given me two gifts that I have used this week.  The first is discipline.  Being a part of the IHC really exercises that muscle and has given me the tools to dig deep this week.  The second part is ownership of my choices.  Every day I have millions of choices and decisions to make.  I get to make them and I get to live with the consequences of each of these choices - good and/or bad.  I could have easily said that I just didn't have time to do my other requirements but that is not taking ownership of the choice, that is playing the victim.  This is my journey and I choose to own it.


Anyways, before this blog takes another detour and ends up really long, I will leave it there for now.  I need to get back to work.  I have one more deadline for the end of the day today.  I am grateful that I can work from home today which means I can perhaps even sneak in some other requirements.