Quieting the Nerves

This morning I was reflecting on my morning walk with my favourite fur-guy.  This past week has been filled with emotions.  I am still processing many of them.  As I was processing them, the usual Monday morning thought came up...  What on earth am I going to blog about?!?

One of the requirements of the IHC program is to do at least three public performances throughout the year.  This is a requirement that originally made me cringe - I really dislike getting up in front of people.  I used to be a ball of nerves and a complete wreck if asked to lead a warm up or to do my form in front of the class.  How on earth was I going to do anything in public?

As part of our classes, we start by really desensitizing ourselves to some of these nerves by regularly doing our forms for each other.  This gives us a safe environment to step out in and practice how to handle a performance.  We practice performing.  Gradually, these practice performance are no longer fear inducing.  I have learned to handle my nerves in this safe environment.

Now, just because I have learned how to manage my nerves in the kwoon, does not mean that I have nailed my nerves when it comes time to perform for the public.  The first year in the program, my weapons form was challenging and to be honest, I can count on one hand how many times I managed to complete it without dropping my staff or causing some sort of bodily harm to myself - many times both would happen at the same time.  I learned through experience that you can whack yourself in the head and drop your staff in front of over 300 people and the world, will indeed, keep rotating on it's axis.

Now what does this have to do with my week last week?

Earlier this summer my grandma asked me to do a reading at her funeral.  Knowing that her days were not many, she had spent time planning how she wanted to be celebrated and remembered.  Last Monday afternoon she was set free from her pain and suffering.  On Friday, we made the trip to Killiam to celebrate her life.

Funerals are hard.  I cry at the drop of a hat at the best of times, so funerals are especially hard.  Then add to that the nerves of getting up in front of a large crowd to do a reading.  Add to this that the funeral was being held in the Catholic Church, filled with traditions and practices that I was not familiar with.  Add to this that the reading was from a book of the Catholic Bible that is not part of the Protestant Bible that I am familiar with.  Add to that the full realization and weight of the privilege of being asked to do a reading by the person being remembered.  To say my nerves were nearly shot would be an understatement.

When it was time to do the reading, I was able to walk up to the front of that church and speak clearly.  I give the many opportunities to practice quieting my nerves credit for much of that.  I was able to take a moment to focus my mind and take a cleansing breathe.  I was able to honour my grandma.  That is a gift that I will cherish always.