I started off September ready to give it my all. I set big goals for myself. I was going to get back on track in every area of my life. Look out world!
I did not conquer the universe in September. I did manage to accomplish more in one month than I think I had in the previous three months but it came at a cost. I know you've all heard me talk about the Supermom cape being stuck in my panties... Same idea, slightly different analogy coming up.
September was crazy full. With my grandma ill and then passing away, my heart had been heavy. Then last few days of last week were filled with back to back appointments with different doctors and clients. Every moment was finely planned with no room for error. One misstep and the whole beautifully constructed schedule was going to come crashing down. That is not what happened. Everything came off just like I planned. This sounds like a success, right?
By Thursday, my hubbie asked me how I was holding up with all that was going on. See he has much wisdom and experience watching me run around like a crazy lady. Perhaps it was also the fact that he found me sitting in front of the pantry holding a huge bag of chocolate chips... I told him that I was doing ok, after all chocolate fixes everything. I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel but I was doing ok. Then Friday hit. Two medical appointments in the city for the kids. One putting me on the road for morning rush hour and then the other putting me on the road for the evening rush hour. Then a packed schedule in the middle of this. By the time I made it home, my wise hubbie asked the same question. The answer was very different. I was still on my hamster wheel but I had stumbled and somehow my little hamster tail had gotten caught and I felt like I was being repeatedly slammed as the wheel kept on spinning.
Life on the hamster wheel is frantic and busy but all that activity did not lead to reaching any destination I want to remain in. My schedule was too full without time for rest or margin. Putting myself on the road during rush hour was definitely a poor choice in light of my driving anxieties, let alone twice in one day. On paper, September looked pretty good. There were many revolutions on that hamster wheel. BUT... I had not been kind to myself. I had not recognized or respected my own personal limitations. I had had to learn an old lesson all over again.
For the month of October, I want to have a completely different approach. I need to step off the wheel for my own sake and for the sake of my family. This week I was sitting down thinking about goals for the month and I was having troubles really setting any. Don't get me wrong, I have so much that I want and need to do. The issue was I was still feeling beaten and broken from September. I kept going back to just a simple focus on peace and gratitude.
On Wednesday morning in class, Sifu Rybak was firing off theory questions to each of us and when it was my turn the question was what is lu ping an? On my way home it hit me. This one phrase summed up where I wanted to focus for this month.
Lu ping an... Walking in peace and harmony... Being at peace with myself... Being at peace with the people in my life... Being at peace with the world around me...
This does not mean that I am going to be sitting around doing nothing this month. It is tempting after the whole hamster wheel incident. The first word of the phrase is walking. There is still forward movement but it is not frantic and relentless. The focus is not so much on what I want/need to get done but more on how I am going to go about it. There is kindness and compassion for myself. If I am kind to myself and allow margin, then it is so much easier to be at peace with those around me. To then take it a step further, if I extend kindness and compassion to myself, I am so much better at noticing the world around me with a heart of gratitude.
Lu ping an... Simple but not easy... A constant work in progress...
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