Reasons vs Excuses

Every day we are faced with choices.  We can not do it all, all at the same time.  Part of the journey of mastery is being intentional about our choices.

Last night, like many nights, I was faced with the decision of whether or not to attend the second degree brown belt class.  This is honestly one of the harder classes for me to get to because it is really all about me.  I am much better at ensuring that the needs of my family are met before my own.

Life is a new level of crazy around here.  We were at the Stollery for the whole morning getting Georgia's leg evaluated.  The realtor is coming on Thursday afternoon to take pictures of the house so that it can get on the market this weekend.  Chad is leaving for Terrace on Saturday morning to start his new job.  I am feeling more than a little overwhelmed to say the least.

I look at this list that is pulling on my mind.  I do have a great deal of work to get done before Thursday afternoon.  I was tired after sitting in the hospital for much of the day.  I was extremely tempted to just stay home.  I decided that I needed to sit with these thoughts and decide if they were reasons to stay home or excuses.  Funny thing, was that they could be argued to fall into either category.  When I couldn't decide if they were truly reasons or just excuses, I decided that I'd put them in the excuse category and get myself to class.

How often do we allow these situations to play out differently.  We make a good case to ourselves with our reasons but really are they great reasons or are they excuses with enough of a justifiable reality to do what we would really rather do than to do what is best.  We colour our lives in a way that allows us to live with mediocrity.  That is not what we signed up for when we agreed to take on a year of mastery.

Now the reality is that yes, I was in class.  I struggled physically and mentally through the entire evening.  The stress in my life has definitely taken a toll but it felt incredible to go sweat some of it out.  Mentally, I really struggled with what should have been a fairly easy drill.  It showed me an area where I have been relying on muscle memory instead of pure intent.  I found I had questions that I didn't even know were questions when the class started.  The end result was that it was definitely worth the effort to go to class last night.  If I had let mediocrity reign, it would have been much easier but I would have lost out on those opportunities to learn and grow.

Now I need to get my hustle on....  The house will not get itself ready for those pictures.  I will be walking through each and every room looking for signs of clutter and mediocrity.  It may not look like kung fu but I will be working to develop that eye for detail in a different facet of my life.

Do It Daily

A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labours of a spasmodic Hercules.

- Anthony Trollope

This quote was at the beginning of a chapter of a book I have been reading at night before bed.  After I read this, I just put the book down and turned off the lights.  It was one of those drop the mic moments where I needed to just think about it and let it soak in.

I have a habit of making many things in life feel like they would take Herculean strength to pull off.  I also do not believe that I possess such strength.

The most prominent thing that comes to mind is the Black Belt fitness test.  I know what the different facets of the test are.  I know what the expectation is that must be achieved to pass.  I know where my current fitness level is.  The gap is significant.  I have mentally placed this test in the near impossible Herculean strength and ability category with my attempts to meet them being in the spasmodic category.

The solution is in the first part of this quote.  As part of the IHC program, we are given some pretty huge requirements but we are taught immediately how to break them up into daily tasks.  Some of these tasks in themselves don't feel small unless you break them down again but really everything can be broken down into small, doable steps.  We are taught that we need a structure in place to ensure that these daily tasks are indeed just that - daily.  We have heard Sifu Meier's speech about how easy it is, just do the daily tasks and it will happen.

The breakdown in this is in the daily performance.  I will admit that I have not built the structure needed at this time to make a reality.  Honestly, my life is so fluid from day to day that the only real structure that I feel exists is the times of our kung fu classes.  I have not made any practices truly daily.  I have not built that consistency into my life.  I am reaping the consequences of not building that structure.  I lack the belief that this is possible simply because I have not done the simple daily tasks that I agreed to do.

Right now, life looks especially upside down and crazy.  The demands of my normal, everyday life feel overwhelming at the best of times, then add on the our current additional crazy of a move and I am struggling.  I need to pause and find that structure for both my mental and physical health.  I need to take back control of my choices instead of letting the circumstances of each day push and pull me with each reaction.  I need to make the small tasks required to make my life better and easier and truly make them daily.  I need to start that today.

Seeking the Void

The void seems to be a concept that is tricky to explain and therefore, tricky to understand.  

My limited understanding of the void is that it is the state of truly being present.  There is no outside noise from your brain about the past or the future.  You are completely aware of where you are and what you are doing in that one particular moment.  All that exists is that one particular moment.  Intent can remain pure because there is not thought of past or future, just the current moment. 

In class on Tuesday, Sifu Hayes was trying to get us to do our forms in the void.  He asked us why we look to our instructors while we are doing our forms.  For me, it is often a case of seeking validation.  I want to learn.  I want to improve.  I want to know that I am doing things right.  As I have progressed, I am finding that by looking to my instructor for validation, I am actually dividing my focus.  I should be paying complete attention to what I am doing.  If I am doing that, I will feel where things are not quite right and can ask the question.  If there is something that is not right that I am unable to feel, I need to trust my instructor to point it out to me.  

With all of the brain clutter that I am currently dealing with, I found the reminder to be completely involved in what I am doing something that I needed to hear.  I found that as I worked on it during class, slipping completely into my forms became easier each time.  It was helpful that the form we were practicing this on was 18 Temple Motions which is the form I chose to master this year.  Removing distractions and analytical thought and just working on feeling what I was doing was actually a very freeing exercise.

This is definitely something that I would like to further explore and work on.  I am finding my mental chaos draining and distracting in all areas of my life.  Being intentional, focused and present will serve me well in every moment of every day.  I know this is not something that is easily achieved but it is a worthy pursuit.

Who is Serving Who?

The past few weeks have been filled with big decisions and impending change.  Life has felt very chaotic and out of control.  There have been some realities that I have been working through mentally and it has required a great deal of deep soul searching.

The first reality is that we are moving to Terrace, BC.  When?  That I cannot tell you at this time.  Chad starts his new job there on October 1st.  I need to get the house ready for sale, sold and then we can officially relocate.  There are a few moving parts of this process that I can control.  Most of it, I cannot... at least not at this time.

The second reality is that my sweet girl has a fractured tibia.  She is in a cast until the end of the month and then an air boot.  This has been a significant hit to her independence and as such has required me to be there for her virtually constantly to this point.  We are working to find ways to make life easier for both of us.

The third reality is that I will not be grading for my black belt this year.  In light of the first reality, this has been a major mental struggle.  I feel like this is my one and only chance.  This has lead to some major soul searching.  My first reaction was to simply completely give up.  Really, what's the point if I can't get my black belt.  Why bother spending anymore time on this if I won't ever be able to grade?  These are funny and foreign thoughts to a girl who had never really entertained grading until about a year ago.  I also recognized that I made a commitment to the school, to the team and to myself to complete this year of mastery so why bother was no longer an option.

I need to make a choice about who is serving who in my relationship with kung fu.

The reality of where I am today and the training that would be required for me to grade in November, I would need to make myself a full time servant to kung fu.  In light of all that is going on in the rest of my life, this is simply not possible.  I actually believe that any attempt to do that would result in a very unhealthy balance for myself and my family in this time of change.

We are taught to train in kung fu so that kung fu can serve us in every area of our lives.  If I were to simply throw in the towel and quit right now, it is almost like saying that there was no value to this way of thinking.  This would be a massive disservice to the years that my instructors have poured into me and the work I have put in up until this point.  The lessons have become a part of who I am.  It does not turn off like a faucet.

I need to allow kung fu to serve me.  I started taking kung fu because I needed the physical outlet and it allowed me to train with some fantastic people.  I continued to train for these reasons.  The mental stimulation has been a huge draw over the years, particularly through tough times of injury.  The reasons for training were always to do with learning the art, not to achieve a specific belt level.  Kung fu has invaded every part of my life - my mind, my body and my relationships.  The next few months are filled with unknowns and change but one thing that I know for sure is that I have my kung fu training and my kung fu family to help me through this next stage of my journey.

Summer Reflections....

Everywhere you look you can see the signs that life is switching gears.  The stores have pretty much hidden anything that resembles summer and all that can be found is back to school items.  I've even seen the odd winter coat...  Although that seems like it is rushing summer away, the reality is that the season is shifting. 

I had this mental picture of what summer was going to look like.  Camping, lots of time outside, more relaxed pace, time to recharge and collect myself... 

That is not how life turned out this summer.  Camping was cancelled for work (a little grateful because the weather that week was miserable).  Time outside was hindered by our abnormally wet summer.  The relaxed pace looked more like time to be a chauffeur driving people here and there and everywhere.  I definitely do not feel recharged and collected.  Last week I found myself at a place where what I needed most was to cancel everything that was not a must and spend our evenings at home.

I also had a dream that I was nailing my goals for this IHC year.  The requirements for black belt grading would have been pretty much all checked off.  The only one that I have successfully done is the First Aid Course.  I would be well on my way as far as physically preparing for grading day.  Well, I was not nearly as active as I planned.  I do feel physically better than I did at the beginning of the summer but no great strides have been made forward in this area either.  My house would be decluttered and clean.  Now I really feel like I have been dreaming.  It is nearly impossible to reorder life in your home when you are treating it as a launching pad all summer.

I am working at accepting where I am at right now.  My dream and my reality have a serious gap between them.  The past is done, all I can work on is the present.  Life is about to get even busier with school starting but the introduction of more structure in our home will be helpful.

Failing Forward....

Correction is essential to power and mastery.  You see, we are all ordinary.  But a master, rather than condemning himself for his "ordinariness," will embrace his ordinariness and use it as a foundation for building the extraordinary.  Instead of giving up, as many ordinary people do, he will use his ordinariness to correct his errors, which is essential in the process of attaining mastery.  You must be able to correct yourself without invalidating or condemning yourself, to accept results and improve upon them.
Mastery - Stewart Emery

There has been a strong focus on the technique of our side heel thrust kicks over the past month.  Sifu Brinker has made it a mission to eradicate improper foot position within our kicks.  As the lead instructor in our school, he has the ability to work with us on this mission but he is unable to complete it on his own.  Each and every one of us must also do our part in order for this mission to be successful.

The position of my foot in the blade has been a key focus the past couple weeks.  I have developed the habit over the years of having my toes just slightly ahead of my heel when doing a side heel kick.  Since on the most part my toes are lower than my heel and my foot is held tight, it has escaped correction.  Just because is has escaped correction, does not mean that it was accepted or is correct.  Now that it has been found, it must be corrected.

The process of correction is one of complete mindfulness whenever I throw a side heel kick.  I have been making use of any mirror that is strategically placed to ensure that to the best of my ability every single kick that I throw going forward has a better foot position.  When I go slow and practice mindfully, I am able to achieve the correct position.  This is possible!  That is encouraging!

What I have found less encouraging is that despite this work, it has not truly become mine yet.  On Saturday we were working on speed and power on the bag.  Things started to fall apart fairly quickly.  If I went slowly, I could get the correct position.  If I added speed and focused on the foot position, then I found that the trajectory of my kick was swinging upward and not thrusting.  If I stopped focusing as much on the blade and instead focused on the power and trajectory, the toes would sneak back forward again.  Then as the minute would move along, fatigue would set in to the point where technique was extremely poor.

How do I proceed forward?  The process of mastery is to accept where you are today and to make steps positive steps forward to improve.  Emery encourages us to accept our ordinariness and use that as a foundation for correction.  There is no room for bad attitude or negative self talk only acceptance and a plan to improve.  Using this model, I will continue to use every mirror that I find to ensure that foot position is correct each time I throw the kick.  I will increase the number of kicks that I am doing each day to work towards building new muscle memory.  I will increase my cardio workouts to help me get over that half way mark when I am working on the bags.  I will document my work and constantly evaluate where I am and correct as needed.

Will every kick be perfect?  Nope.  The only way to absolutely ensure that I will never throw another bad kick as long as I live is to honestly never throw another kick.  That is not an option so I will give my best in each moment and at times I will succeed and at times I will fail.  I will keep trying and failing and correcting and learning and moving forward.  This is the process of mastery.

Thoughts...

Where am I?  What am I doing? 

I have been trying to use these questions to refocus my thoughts the past week with little success.  I have been moving between two differing sets of relatively unproductive thought processes.

The first set of thoughts are focused on regrets.  Would have...  Could have... Should have...  Yes, I am shoulding all over myself.  I have had fantastic personal goals the past few IHC years.  I have failed to meet them.  There is the potential for some major changes coming for our family. I am paying the consequences of that delay and feeling the weight of regret. Oh so many regrets...

The second set of thoughts look more like chaos.  The best description that I can come up with is to imagine what 20 little bouncy balls would look like bouncing around inside my head at a million miles an hour.  Thoughts are running amok everywhere.  All the things that need to be done and they all feel like they need to be done immediately.  It is all very overwhelming.  It leaves me with days on end where I am furiously trying to get something, anything done but never seem to make any headway because I keep distracting myself and leaving a trail of half done aftermath in my path.

I need to find a way to stay in the present.  I need to find a way to settle in and make some significant progress in every area of my life - now!

Where am I?  What am I doing?

Tonight I found myself in class completely lost in learning a new application with the tiger tail and working with a partner that I am grateful to have on this journey.  Now I am taking care of this week's blog.  Next stop is bed so that I can tackle tomorrow one moment at a time.

It's All About the Name

Forms...  Patterns...

It is common in martial arts to have a series of movements that are prescribed and learned to practice the art.  They have different names depending on what art you are choosing to study.  The name of our series of movements in kung fu is form.  This is important because it indicates what the focus of the practice is.

When we first are learning our forms, we honestly are focused on the pattern.  There is a sequence that we need to learn and commit to memory.  Some people find this stage easier than others but none the less, all must go through this stage.  It is common in the stage to be more focused on what is coming next, to have long pauses while we remember where we are and where we are headed and simply to forget it all.  This stage is honestly only the very start of the journey.

The second step is where we will spend the rest of our lives working - form.  By the very nature of the name, the focus is not on the sequence or pattern of movements.  The pattern is critical to the practice but it is not the key focus of the practice.  The key is to be focusing on mastering the form of each individual moment within that sequence.  It is the practice of seeking mastery of each movement and intent within the sequence.  It allows a structured way in which to practice these deeper concepts. 

It is not enough to say that you know the form.  We must move past knowing to mastering.  Part of the requirements of the IHC program is to do 1,000 repetitions of two forms throughout the year.  There are two ways this can be accomplished.  You can take the approach that you must just get it done and just blow through the requirement like it is a hoop to jump through.  (Just a hint, this is not the intent behind the requirement at all, not to mention would be incredibly boring.)  The second is to focus on the mastery of each moment, intent and movement within the form, practicing and applying an eye for detail.  This is can frustrating at times but if this is truly applied, it will not be boring.  Out of the struggle and frustration will come growth that can can't be realized through mindless practice.  The art of kung fu is so rich with detail that you will never, ever run out of tweaks in the mastery journey.

Knowledge and Application

What sets a black belt apart?

The first thing people often think of is the area of knowledge, particularly in the area of kung fu.  It is true that there is always more knowledge that can be obtained, but a vast amount of the knowledge you need is shared early on in your training careers.  The instructors at Silent River are free and giving of this knowledge.  They share concepts with white belts that they may have little hope of truly understanding but the seeds are planted for the future.  If you listen in class and ask questions, you cannot help but grow in the area of knowledge.

The area where a black belt shines is in the application of this knowledge.  They take the information that they have received and they translate it into how they move their bodies.  We can all sit there and recite how to do some of the more basic techniques but can we consistently perform that technique over and over no matter the situation.  The example used last night was the side heel kick.  This kick is one of the most basic building blocks of our art.  We all know how a bladed foot should look.  We all know what we should look like in this kick and how our body is to be aligned.  We all know that the chamber is critical.  By the time you reach black belt, the expectation is that this kick will be thrown properly every single time. 

Another area of this applied knowledge is in our applications.  As we are learning each technique, we will have a few different intents as we move through the sequence.  A black belt's intent is to always be in the present moment and is constantly shifting as the moments unfold.  The difference is two or three intents versus a thousand intents in one technique.  This can only come through repetition, repetition, repetition.....  As this is developing, it is common to see that the intents are clearly broken up.  Often the intent to finish the technique is so strong that the intent to block the very first attack is missed or not executed well.  This first block is vital because if you don't survive the attack, the rest of the technique is unnecessary.

The final area where this is evident is in the harmonies.  A black belt has the internal and external harmonies working together and not fighting each other.  There is an unbroken relationship within the harmonies that allows chi to work for you.  As we grow in this area, we use our growing eye for detail to analyze how movement feels and then look for the relationship (harmony) that is out of balance.  A black belt has the eye for detail to be able to self correct.  As we walk our journey towards black belt, this sensitivity is to grow but can only do so if we are consciously focusing on it.

There is a huge difference between a white belt and a black belt.  This gap is able to be overcome through consistent and intentional practice.  The closer you get to stepping over the line of having earned a black belt, improvements will feel incrementally smaller and smaller but this is where the consistent and intentional practice is even more important.

Demo Mishap...

Yesterday was Canada Day.   

It started out as a beautiful day.  I took my morning walk then popped into the bath for a soak.  When I got out of the tub the weather had changed drastically...  

The clouds seemed to not only bring in some pretty significant showers but also brought in some funk too.  I can't really describe how I was feeling except to say that I was just off.  Not a great day to feel that way but I pulled myself together and off to the demo we went.  

I felt really quite calm going into the demo.  I walked out and planned to really snap that first pose.  I put a little extra wrist into the snap but instead of snapping my fan into place, I ended up throwing it to the ground with a little extra gusto....  

All I could think was what happened?!?  What can you do?  

I picked up my fan and carried on.  It took a couple moves to settle back in but I feel that I finished fairly strong considering the start.  I honestly do not believe that the issue was caused by a lack of preparation.  We can always be more prepared but this was really one of those weird moments.  I have really been struggling with feeling very disappointed in myself.  

Everyone did such an amazing job.  In many ways, I feel like my mistake was a blemish on such a fantastic demo.  Well done team!  Thank you for rocking it out and helping take the focus off my mistake.

Walking Meditation

My mind is a busy and chaotic place.  It rarely rests.  The mental running list of things that I must do, should do and would like to do seems to be relentless. 

After my concussion a few years ago, the neuropsychologist that I was seeing suggested meditation as a way to try to calm my mind.  I understand the theory behind it.  I have tried it on occasion.  To be completely fair, I know that I have not given it enough consistent practice to be of any benefit.  That is on me.  Why?  Well, my failed attempts have been frustrating.  My mind wanders all over the place thinking about everything that I should or could be doing all at once.  Then guilt sets in for just sitting or lying still.  I tell myself that if I just get up and do this one thing, then I can sit back down having dealt with the problem and then I can focus.  This is a lie.  One thing leads to the next and then it's been literally months since I've tried.

Usually when I walk Guinness, my brain does not stop working either.  We chat about everything in life, well I guess I should say that I process everything out loud while he enjoys being outdoors and listening to his person talk endlessly.  I go over what I need to do that day, what I did not get done in the past, where I am failing to meet expectations, relentless thoughts.  Often I come home feeling tired from all the mental activity.  I have done so many things in my mind and then it feels like a let down when I walk back into our yard and everything is in the same state as when I left.

The last three days I have been trying something a little different.  We are still heading out on our morning walks but I have chosen to take longer routes.  My mind still wants to do all the things but instead I have been trying to keep bringing it back to my four senses (taste is not something I am choosing to use on our treks).  Instead of thinking about what I will do after my walk, I am pausing to notice what is going on around me.  I am choosing to be.

What have I noticed the past couple days?  Here is a few things that I have noticed.  I love the sound of the songbirds and the wind in the trees.  I do not particularly like the squawk of the magpies and there is a noticeable absence of songbirds when they are carrying on.  The sun feels amazing on my face.  The smell of fresh cut grass is wonderful.  This morning, we walked around the bend in the road and this lovely fragrant smell hit me.  I have no idea what it came from but I soaked it in.  I have watched the clouds part and blue sky appearing.  I have noticed all the different shades of green that make up the leaves on the trees.  Someone moved in in the next subdivision and they have a beautiful horse.  Guinness is still not sure how he feels about sheep.  I noticed a hare that he saw first hiding in the long grass.  I really could go on and on.

This change in focus on our morning walk has been energizing.  My mind feels clearer.  I still have to fight to put my mind back on what is going on around me instead of what is going on inside me but it is becoming a little easier as I do it.  The reason that I think this has been more successful than the sitting meditation is that I am out away from my distractions.  I am unable to do much about any of them anyway.  I often don't even bring my phone with me so I couldn't even make a list as things pop into my mind.  Taking in the beauty of creation helps to recenter my mind and reminds me of the fact that I was created a human being, not a human doing.

Trust the System

Tonight's class was an excellent reminder of where I am and what I need to be doing this year.  The IHC program lays out exactly what is expected of anyone who is planning to be a black belt candidate.  When you sign up for the program you agree to follow the program.  The candidates last year proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the program works if you follow it.

I am finding the process of grading overwhelming.  There seems to be so much information that I need to pack into my brain.  Then there is all of that information that I need to figure out how to own and then translate into my own movements.  We are learning a system and that system will only work if actual sweat is put into it.  Then there is the fitness component.... 

Then I reground myself...  I need to listen and trust the system.  I need to follow the IHC requirements to the letter - as a bare minimum.  We all get tempted to treat the requirements laid out as some unattainable ceiling to try to hit.  They are the minimum needed to prepare.  Candidates need to be on the mats in classes - minimum 3 times a week.  Candidates need to be blogging, processing what we are learning and recording our journey - minimum once a week.  Candidates need to be practicing daily.  Tonight we were reminded that the journey does not allow for days off - days off have consequences.

I look at the requirements that I said I would meet.  I am not on track.  That is my current reality.  There is no point sugar coating it.  The people around me can see that I have not put in the work that I have promised that I would.  There have been a few too many of those days off and I am definitely feeling the consequences.  I have made commitments and I have not been faithful in meeting them consistently.  This needs to change.  I need to light a fire under myself and trust the system.  

A Year Well Spent

We all make plans for our lives.  Towards the end of 2017, I put forward my plans for the Year of the Dog.  Funny thing is how we can plan to the best of our ability but we can't always predict what life will throw into our paths along the way.

Fast forward to the spring 2018...  My sweet girl was struggling in school and in life.  The momma bear in me sought many ways to help her but by June it was apparent that we needed to bring her home for the next school year.  I had considered homeschooling my kids many years ago but had felt like I would not be able to give them what they needed in life.  I went into this year somewhat terrified and feeling very ill-equipped for the new challenge I was taking on.  My previous year's involved in the IHC program helped me to build the necessary framework to take on the challenge despite how I was feeling.

Mastery asks us to to "constantly produce results beyond the ordinary" and to "consistently go beyond our limits."  If I was going to succeed I needed to commit myself to mastery and pursue excellence.  Our world no longer looked "normal" by society's standards.  I had many people doubting our choice.  I definitely felt a great deal of pressure to ensure that the education in our home was anything but mediocre.

I now sit here at the other side of that first year of homeschooling.  There were definitely some really hard days.  We both had to figure out what learning home could look like and that we didn't need to make it look anything like "school".  I read any book on homeschooling that I could find.  I invested fully into learning how to do this new life and then I invested even more fully into walking alongside her in her learning.  We wrestled through math together.  Read great books together.  Discovered history together.  Watched documentaries and went on great field trips together.  We learned to redefine what learning looks like together.  We had an incredible year.  Sitting here at the end of it, I view this past year as an incredible gift, not only to her but to me as well.

Some of the highlight reels are:

• My girl loves to learn!
• We swam with a dolphin and snorkeled through a coral reef with rays and so many different kinds of fish and could call it science!
• She discovered that she not only could understand math but she can excel at it!
• She has developed a deep love for books!
• World history is super cool!
• Her mental health is the best that I have seen it in years!

Mastery is a relentless pursuit.  It requires us to keep on learning, to keep on growing, to keep on applying lessons learned.  We are now back in the summer planning season for next year.  I am back to learning on how to best live out this lifestyle that we have chosen to continue for another school year.  We have talked about what went well and where we both feel that we can make improvements.  Her love of learning has made us some pretty steep goals to work towards for this next year but we are both up to the challenge of this journey that we are on together.

Why?

This week we were asked an important question. 

Why do we continue to train in the martial arts?

The answer is different for each person and often from moment to moment.  

For me, the first answer that came to my mind was because I love the mental challenge.  I love to learn new things.  The martial arts provides me with an opportunity to continually challenge myself - how I think, how I move, how I live...

Often there are other secondary reasons why, but usually it all boils back to this one reason.  There obviously is the physical aspect because I definitely need to get into better shape.  There is the emotional aspect because the people at the kwoon have become family.  But these reasons can all be filled outside the martial arts.  

The martial arts feeds a part of who I am as a person and constantly demands more of me than I can give at any moment but inspires me to keep pressing forward.

June - Farmer's Day & Time to Get a Move On

Did anyone else wake up Saturday morning to the crazy realization that it is JUNE!!!!  Where is the time going? We are well into this IHC year.  The turning of the calendar always prompts me to take a closer look at the state of my world. 

First let's start with the good!  Farmer's Day!!!  The parade was a ton of fun.  Thank you to the early morning crew that put the float together - it looked fantastic!  If I am to be honest, I am not a huge fan of walking in the parade.  I find it very much a sensory overload.  But I do love the time that we spend as a team before and after the parade.  It is such a great time to get together and spend some time laughing and getting to know each other on a more personal level.

Demo #1 is out of the way!  I always find the first one of the year the hardest.  At the last IHC class when it was time to perform our most current form, I was really struggling with my nerves.  I usually have a pretty good memory but that night I kept forgetting my form.  I carried that fear and concern into this weekend's demo.  I was really worried that I was going to forget my form or drop my fan - basically just freeze out there.  I was pleasantly surprised about how well it all went.  It was also fun to watch my favourite son get to do his first solo lion dance as a head. 

As for my current mental state - I am honestly doing much better this past week.  I am not sure what exactly has changed but I am going to embrace feeling more human and far less overwhelmed and weepy.  I am still doing a great deal of self care but I am finding that I am able to take a more proactive approach than just being reactive.

That's the good stuff....  Now for all the rest of the list....

I am not where I would like to be considering this is supposed to be my grading year.  Numbers are really behind.  Written assignments have not happened.  Board breaks and 5 techniques have not been touched.  Time is ticking and I do not want it to get any further away on me than it currently has.  Step #1 has happened.  I have acknowledged where I am at.

Now for Step #2.  To put the negative feelings about where I am at behind me and to just light a fire under myself and get about doing the next right thing.  I can't go back in time.  All the wishing it looked different will not change where I am right this moment.  All I can control is where I am headed next.

Intentional vs Busy

It is one of the most commonly used words people use to describe life today - busy...

Busy is defined as having a great deal to do or to keep occupied.

We all have a great deal to do.  We all wear many hats.  We are all good at keeping ourselves occupied.  We are all busy.

But are we all being intentional?

Intentional is defined as being deliberate or done on purpose.

There is a huge difference between living a busy life and living with intentional.  Intent has been a key focus in classes lately.  We are asked to focus ourselves in a particular direction - to do the techniques with purpose.  This is a lesson that I am continually trying to pull into the rest of my life.

It is easy to be busy.  I wear many hats.  I can keep myself moving along at quite a pace and stay busy all day long.  Some days I looked back and I can see all sorts of progress and accomplishment.  Then there are the other days where I can't really remember what I have done and I have left a trail of half done life.  My squirrel brain far too often defaults to this type of living.  I can relate to the book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" by Laura Numeroff.  If you haven't read this delightful picture book - just google it, there are tons of YouTube videos reading it out.  It truly describes many days in my life and I know that I am not alone.  Each moment is a distraction from the last moment.  It is easy to be busy doing stuff but is it the right stuff?

I have been working hard to shift from busy to intentional in how I live.  Keeping my eyes not only on where I am but where I want to be.  I keep asking myself the questions - Where am I?  What am I doing? 

I make myself short lists to keep myself accountable and to give myself a focus to draw back to.  I listened to a podcast yesterday that spoke specifically about this.  She recommended keeping your to do list really short and really doable because when you write it down on your to do list for today, it becomes a promise to yourself that you are going to get it done.  When we don't complete what is on our lists, we are breaking promises to ourselves.  Unfortunately, this is a bad habit that I have personally formed.  I will bend over backwards to keep my word to others but I break commitments I make to myself all the time.  Shorter lists will mean less broken promises.

I set a very specific intention for this year.  My intent was to be on the mats on grading day.  In order to make this a reality, I need to start living intentionally today and each and every day between now and that date.  The struggle has been this is not the only area of life where I need to live with great intention.  This means constant evaluation of all my hats and honestly does not allow for any random busyness.  Every single moment must be focused on doing the next right thing on one area or another of my life.  If I truly live with great intent focusing where I must, I will see results that I can look back on and feel good about.  For today, that looks like writing this blog, cleaning my bathrooms, finishing a book club book and doing some math with my girl, working on the bookkeeping of a specific client and of course doing my requirements for the IHC.  Nothing truly huge or glamorous but all very necessary to the life that is important to me.  Once these are done, then I can look around and figure out what the next right steps for the remainder of my day are.  Keeping my focus in each moment, breathing deeply at times and making that next right step.

Still Here but Still Struggling....

It has been a month since my last blog.  I was struggling mentally but chose to just do the next right thing even though I really didn't feel like I had much to share.  The hope was that as I continued to make those next right steps that things would start to improve.  That was not the case....

The week following that blog was mentally one of my hardest.  There just seems to be things coming from every direction and I have been mentally and emotionally very limited in my ability to cope with all of it with much grace.  The result was that I had to pull way back.  When you fly they always tell people to put on their own oxygen masks before they assist others.  As a momma and someone who cares very deeply about others, I find this hard but it has become very necessary.

What does this look like?  Sometimes it has meant making it to kung fu classes.  Sometimes it looks like not being able to step into the kwoon because I feel unable to handle the noise and busyness of the environment.  Many days it has looked like having an afternoon nap, heading to bed early and therapy sessions with my pup.  Somedays I laugh, many I cry.  I have tried to not have my struggles affect the people around me, especially my family, but I know that I am failing at that.

Where does this place me on my journey this year?  Well definitely not where I planned to be!  Thankfully I have learned that you can set goals for your year but you rarely end up exactly where you planned irregardless of whether you are on track or not.  I am not on track but I do make progress most days.  I have not given up.  I have been avoiding journalling and blogging because I do not particularly like to record the yuck but I know that this is a tool I need to start using in order to start managing my own head space.  Will I be grading this year?  This door has not been closed but I have not been able to make it a focus either.  I will use the tools given to me to deal with the mental issues while also working through the physical symptoms that have started to pop up as a result.  I will just have to see where this journey leads me...

In the meantime, I am off to the lab....  And perhaps some garden therapy....

Taking Little Steps

I did not blog last week.  Why?  I could give you a bunch of lousy excuses trying to make it all sound better but the honest truth is - I did not want to blog last week.  I am really struggling mentally the past few weeks.  It was not a case of I have nothing to write.  It was a case of having nothing that I wanted to share.

So since I am now blogging, does this mean that I have straightened out the mental funk and mess from the past few weeks?  Nope, unfortunately I don't think I've made much progress there.

Then why am I blogging?  This is one of the million baby steps I promised that I would take this year.

Where am I?  Right now I honestly can't focus on the big picture.  When I look at the big picture I get too overwhelmed to even move or think. 

What am I doing?  All I can do right now is the next little step.  I am trying to use the tools that I have been given.  So far this morning it has looked like a long walk with my fur friend and this blog. 

Today I will do what I can and tomorrow I will repeat that. 

My Heart is Full...

This weekend has been a whirlwind of wonderful!

Yesterday my sweet baby girl became a teenager!  What!?!  How did that happen?  This weekend was filled with celebrating her - a birthday dinner out as a family on Friday, a special breakfast and birthday apple crisp on Saturday and a huge shopping trip today to start updating her bedroom.

If that was not enough to fill the weekend, a sweet friend said "I do!" on Saturday as well.  I have to say this was one of the most powerful and beautiful weddings that I have ever been blessed to attend.  The heart of this couple for each other and the people they love shone bright this weekend.  This included an amazing moment where the bride took the time to single out my girl and give her some roses out of her bouquet, a birthday card and a present right in the middle of her own reception.  This selfless act left a huge mark on the people who witnessed it especially Georgia, yet was completely in character for this exceptional young lady.

I would love to say that the I will be stepping out of the whirlwind and settling into the week but I took a peek at my calendar and this week is going to be a hopping one.  My partner in crime has fled town for work and will be gone most of April so I am flying solo in the chaos.  Needless to say, I am ready for bed but I will fall asleep with a huge smile on my face. 

Ouch! And not the good kind....

This week started out awesome!  The new routine with the gym membership was working out fantastic.  My requirements were being done daily.  I was looking forward to totaling up everything at the end of the week and basking in the sheer awesomeness!  That is until it stopped being so awesome.

One of my personal requirements this year is to go for a monthly massage.  The purpose behind this requirement was first to take care of my body and to keep it running as best I can while abusing it preparing for grading day.  I finally went for my first one this week.  If you want a seriously good torture session - I have found the girl for you! 

The first night I felt pretty good.  The second day I had many very tender spots but overall was feeling pretty great.  Then Thursday this nagging pain started on my left side of my tush.  By Friday there was no doubt in my mind that my sciatic nerve has a rather significant beef with the poking and prodding it received.  I walked and stretched and used the foam roller and by Saturday morning was actually feeling much better.  I did a lame attempt at the Advanced Combatives Class and chose to not push through open training.  It appear that I may have done too much yesterday anyways because it is really cranky again today.

I am grateful that the week started off strong.  It helps a little to make up for the not so fantastic finish.  I will get this pain in my tush figured out as quickly as possible and will do as much as I can in the meantime hopefully without aggravating it further.  It appears that my aging body is just like my kung fu, sometimes things need to get broken before they can be fixed...

What?!? No Fitness Genie....

Wanted:  Looking for one fit, unbroken body that can withstand the Black Belt Fitness Test.

Ha!  If only it were that easy.  But alas, that does not seem to be how this works.  To date I have been unable to find a magic genie willing to grant me this one little (well sort of little) wish.  I suspect that if it were that easy, I would miss out on many important lessons along the road and I just may not have the same appreciation at the end.

To date, the biggest obstacle that I can see for me on grading day is my fitness level.  Today, with the body I have and the fitness level I am at, I do not believe that I could even complete the fitness test.  If you can't complete it, then you most certainly have no hope of passing it. 

I have been fighting the internal voice that reminds me that I have known about the fitness test for years.  Surely it would have made sense to prepare a little more in advance.  Yes, but in many ways, I doubted that I would ever truly be in a position where I was taking a grading year seriously.  Now I am in a place where I honestly don't have time to even entertain that little voice.  It is time to just get moving.

This week I made another step in the right direction on this portion of my journey.  My girl and I signed up for memberships at the Tri.  I have started the hard work that I have ahead of me but I plan to do it as carefully as I can taking into account some of my more broken parts (particularly my right hip).  Today I worked on some interval running on the track.  As of today, I can assure you that there are many parts of my body that do not appreciate running.  Not even a little....  Hopefully with time it will forget this great dislike as I continue to press in and on. 

Commitment & Consistency

Committed, and Consistent - which reminds us that only with commitment and consistency can success be reached.  Again, it's no mystery that success comes from hitting the anvil, pounding not until your done, but until you've done your best.   - Chris Gardner

The anvil is the hard heavy steel or iron block that a blacksmith uses in their trade.  They heat up the metal that they are moulding and then pound it into shape using a hammer and the anvil.  The blacksmith has a vision or a goal of what they would like the finished product to look like.  Much like any artist, the finished product can't be truly seen by others until it is finished.  It takes hard work to shape it into that vision.

It is the same with our journey in the martial arts.  We all have an idea or vision of where we would like our year to take us as we proceed along our journey.  Our instructors give us the tools to help us start shaping those ideas or visions for ourselves.  The IHC is one of those tools that help with this.  It is only with commitment and consistency that mastery in the martial arts can truly be pursued.  Mastery though is not a destination.  There is no real finish point, no point where you are truly done and can say that you've been there, done that, check it off the list.  Success in an art can't be defined as a finish point but is best realized as we put our best forward each and every day. 

Details, Details, Details...

On Thursday evening instead of heading to class, I chose to book a family date night at the Imax.  Life has felt busy.  We have been working on renovations in every spare moment and honestly we all needed just a little down town together but away from the house.  We had tried to book tickets to go last Sunday but they were all sold out so that left Thursday night as the only night we could see Apollo 11 and Free Solo.  My expectation for the night was just some time out with my family watching a couple interesting documentaries.  My expectations were exceeded!

The first movie, Apollo 11 was all done based on footage that was 50 years old.  It was at times hard to watch because the footage was grainy and the visuals bounced around a fair bit.  The documentary followed the mission from the date of take off until the completion of the mission.  The preparation that took place and the details that were attended to were evident throughout the entire film. The astronauts were so prepared for their mission that their heart rates did not even exceed 100 during take off.  The only time that there appeared to be any kind of increase was during the lunar landing when they had to make some adjustments because they were initially lined up to land in a crater.  This was not an ideal landing site so they had to choose a different spot while in a time and fuel crunch.  They appeared to stay so calm throughout the adjustments that it would have been easy to miss the true impact until they announced that Neil Armstrong's heart rate was over 150 during the final moments of that landing.  Once he was out walking on the moon, he commented that it felt a little different than the simulations they had run and prepared for.  All in all, the mission was a complete success because of careful planning and attention to every single detail.  Although this was not a focal point of the film, I found it to be quite evident throughout.

The second film, Free Solo was definitely one that I found harder to watch in many ways.  I have a profound fear of heights.  This film is about the first man to ever climb El Capitan in Yosemite free solo.  That means without the aid of anything including safety ropes.  This is a 3000 foot nearly straight vertical climb.  One tiny mistake would mean certain death.

The film did culminate with the filming of this epic climb but that was not really the focus of most of the movie.  Although it would be easy to write off Honnold as completely off his rocker and an extreme risk seeker, this was not a climb that he took lightly.  This final climb was years in the making.  The preparation that went into that one single climb was intense.  He studied the various routes.  He carefully chose the one that he thought would provide the most success.  He intensively climbed that route for two full summers seasons focusing on each grip, step, movement.  He meticulously documented each climb in a notebook.  He seemed to be good at being able to emotionally distance himself most of the time from what he was doing in order to analyze and correct.  This movie was truly one that showed the mastery process in full honesty.  Plan, execute, document, analyze, repeat...  And by repeat, I mean not just once or twice but thousands of times.  He sought the advice of other masters and climbers.  He climbed with others continually as he trained but he did the final ascent alone.

These films have left me with a lot to chew on.  I feel blessed to have seen these examples of the mastery process.  I do believe that my mindset this year allowed me to see these films perhaps from a different perspective than many of the other people who shared the theatre that night.  Now to take the lessons that I learned and apply them to my own mastery process.

Testing a New Structure

I have spent a great deal of time reflecting on the meeting on Saturday.  I missed that there was little chance for others to share where they are at in their journey right now but the wisdom shared definitely was worth missing out on that.  I will be the first to admit that structure is something that I need to address in my life as well as being honest about priorities.

Structure...  In some ways structure has been the backbone of my life.  As a youngster I figure skated and there were days where I did spend more time on the ice than I did in a classroom at school.  Structure was an absolute necessity.  It seemed so much easier back then when all I had to worry about in life was skating and getting all my school work done during school hours because homework was not really an option.  Even my social life was structured and my friends grew to understand that during the week I was pretty much MIA but I could be found on weekend nights as long as it wasn't too late because I needed to be back on the ice for 6 am the next morning.

Fast forward and now my structure is still framed around activities that take place at set times.  I move heaven and earth many days to make sure that kids make it to kung fu, music, horseback riding, youth group or whatever activities they have.  I have committed to making sure that they make it where I said I would have them.

The rest of life seems to lack structure for me.  Deep down I am the kind of person who likes to have it all laid out with lists and plans.  Since having kids though I have found that those lists and plans cannot be too rigid since life happens and I am rarely in control of that life stuff because it involves other people.  I really struggle when I have a plan all laid out in my head and then something throws a kink in it.  I tend to not handle the frustration well.  I have become better at shifting gears with less frustration but in many ways my go to coping mechanism has shifted to not making as many plans because they don't seem to turn out anyway.

Now, that is the funny thing about coping mechanisms...  They are like a bandaid.  They seem to hold things together, make it all feel better but it is only a temporary solution.  Having no set plans in place leads to mediocrity much of the time.  The final result is that I end up meeting the needs of others but nearly all promises made to myself get swept aside. 

In order to get where I want to be in the fall, this can't continue.  I need to stake a claim on my time.  I need to keep my promises to myself front and center and I need to make good on them on a daily basis.  I need to set up a structure where that has a chance of happening.  The two suggestions were to either get it done in the morning before the distractions have a chance to start or get out of the house and away so that I can hide from all things distraction and get down to business.  Right now adding any time outside the house feels like more than I can manage so I have placed that option to the side for future consideration.  That leaves getting up earlier as my current alternative.

In the very recent past I used to get up much earlier.  The stress and busyness of February found me shifting my schedule.  I was staying up later trying to get life done.  I started sleeping a little later so that I wouldn't fall asleep while trying to read in the mornings with Georgia.  By sleeping a little later, I am still talking about the alarm going off at 5:45 so by no means was I sleeping in.  That is only a few minutes before Chad gets up so I didn't leave me much time to focus just on me.  This is where I know I need to make the changes to my structure.

So starting last night, I am working on a new structure.  In order to get a good start, the night before needed to be addressed first.  I made sure I had our school plans all laid out and ready to roll for today.  Then I made sure that I got my butt to bed on time.  The alarm went off at 5:00 and I rolled out.  I won't lie.  It sure did not feel great and it did take me a bit to find a groove but I did find it.  I managed to get my personal journal done plus push ups, sit ups and form reps all before anyone else was out of bed.  I did not have all my daily reps done but I was close.  I had some questions ready in my mind to ask in class and planned to finish up my reps then.  I kept the thought that I needed to get it done before life could interfere.  It felt great to have most of the reps done.  I felt very accomplished.

As my day started, it did not take long for that thing call life to interfere.  I did not make it to class.  I did not get my questions answered.  Once I post this blog I will finish up the requirements that were not done earlier.  The reason life was derailed was definitely a matter of priorities.  I received a phone call as I was driving out of our subdivision today that I could not ignore.  A much loved neighbour needed assistance immediately so instead of heading to class, we packed up and went to the hospital.  My heart has been heavy all day, school was definitely a challenge as my girl's heart was heavy too.  I am grateful we were available.  I am grateful that he felt he could call and know that we would be there for him until his wife could arrive.  I am grateful to have neighbours that I consider family.

Anyways, back to the actual purpose of this blog...  Structure.  I am working on it.  Today it worked out well.  I know that is often the case at first so the secret is to keep it up.  So I will be off to bed shortly so that I can do it again tomorrow.  

Goodbye February, Hello March...

I must admit that I am happy to have the month of February behind me.  I had great plans to start the Year of the Pig strong.  The plan did not proceed as I hoped.  Very quickly my work life took over nearly spare moment in my days, especially in the past two weeks.  I am pleased to say that all deadlines were met at 4:00 yesterday.  It is time to move forward.

After meeting my deadlines, I was able to shift my focus to other areas of my life.  I picked up the book for the grading reading assignment from the library and cracked it open while listening to my daughter's choir practice.  I wrote in my journal.  I updated the last week's numbers in my tracker.  I attended last night's class and was able to truly focus on being there and getting down to business.  It was a great way to end a tough month.

March is now here.  It is time to refocus on a much more balanced approach.  It is time to take the lessons of February and apply them going forward.  There will always be short seasons where there is a need to be single focused.  This is not sustainable without blowing up every other part of life.  I want to live in a way that I can healthily maintain.  I want to live in a way that takes my ordinary life and apply excellence to each moment - not just putting bandaids on issues and just barely getting by.

Today is the a fresh start.  To be honest, I feel mixed emotions about that.  There is promise and excitement and there is overwhelm and fear.  Funny how sometimes life sends the same message over and over (apparently once is not enough).  Between listening to a podcast, reading from a book and a much needed parking lot pep talk, the message is clear - Scrap the huge mental to do list and just focus on the one thing that is right in front of me!  Feeling overwhelmed is not going to be even remotely helpful.  Being in the moment, putting one foot in front of the other and just focusing on the requirements that have been laid out for me is how I will move forward this month.

Overwhelm

Overwhelm - to bury or drown beneath a huge mass

This past week has felt more than a little overwhelming.  Overwhelm seems to be a fairly close companion of mine since my concussion.  Life is hectic and my new brain does not seem to adapt as quickly as my old brain did.  This often leads to anxiety attacks and an inability to function - basically the feeling that you are literally drowning.  This week I have managed to keep the later at bay, but just barely...

So what is so overwhelming... 

Well, this is my busiest month for work.  Deadlines are looming (only four more days).  In my business, I do not do taxes but it is my job to make sure that everyone else is ready to do their taxes over the next couple months.  I can see in more than a few instances where I perhaps did not put enough of a focus on work leading up to this month and now I am paying for that as the deadlines loom. 

The next bit of stress is we are renovating our basement.  Not just one room but the whole thing.  My husband is determined to get this done as quickly as he humanly can.  We started in January and I will be shocked if we aren't done within the next 3 weeks.  To put it in perspective, I am not talking about a coat of paint.  We have taken down walls, built new walls, put in new ceilings and flooring.  We are on the home stretch yet we are working on the hardest part at the same time - a bathroom that has been a storage closet for 30+ years and a hallway/office area.  This past week found us with a small pool of water leaking from the shower in the main floor bathroom.  This issue is now fixed but it did cause us to lose an entire day on Saturday and much stress.  I am grateful that we did find the leak exactly when we did.  It was the last moment before we would have had a real mess in the near future.  I am also grateful that things are continuing to progress and a project we have talked about for many years will finally be done (plus it is one of my personal requirements).

That leads to kung fu....  My start this year has been slower than I would like.  Although my requirements come to mind multiple times a day, being pulled in every direction does not always lead to the doing part after the thinking part.  I have continued to poke all of it with a stick but that stick needs to get bigger and harder.  I have also been doing a lot of work with Sifu Hayes on some of my stances, particularly my cat stance and horse stance.  I believe I am making some progress but the old habits keep sneaking back in especially when I am doing forms.  This has been my focus the past few weeks.  I am also starting to really feel overwhelmed looking forward at all that I need to accomplish this year.  I have received all the advice about just do the IHC requirements, come to classes, work hard at home.  I have also received more than a few pep talks (a huge thank you to all my people).  I know that much of this feeling comes from not feeling as prepared as I feel I should right now because I look back at lost opportunities.  I also know that the general state of my life is fueling this feeling.  I suspect that this feeling will linger for much of this year.  I will need to learn how to use it instead of be buried by it.

This is where I am at as of right now.  I know that I must just keep my head down and keep plowing on the work front for the next four days.  I will try to take the lessons I am learning on the aftermath of procrastination into the rest of my life.  I will keep moving forward.  Deep breathe, now carry on!

Consistency In Progress...

This week the plan was to blog about the new routines that I have been working to put into place for a few of my requirements.  I was going to talk about how wonderfully they are starting to work.  Doesn't that sound like a fantastic blog!

Well.....  That blog was meant to be written on Sunday.  It is now Tuesday night.  It appears that my routines are still a work in progress.  Not exactly the message I was hoping to bring forward but the lesson is still ongoing.

One of the routines that I have consistently had in place for several years is still serving me well.  I have a reading goal that I use to centre myself on a daily basis.  This is one of the first things that I do each morning (after I brew my hubbie his pot of coffee).  I curl up with a blanket in a comfy chair with the ipad and I read my Bible.  I have had to refine things over the years to help this habit work.  I use an online app most days so the family ipad is the go to device.  The biggest bonus is that I can't access any of my own texts, emails or social media on this device.  No distractions, just quiet focus where my mind needs to be first thing in the morning.

Another goal that has served me well over the years has been keeping a personal journal.  I have dabbled with the timing on this over the years.  I started out with it as a way to sum up my day.  I found that my journals were often filled with should have/could have negative self talk.  I switched it up to writing in the morning.  This worked well to focus my day and I found that it turned into quite a pep talk.  As awesome as this is, I found it hard to maintain because as good as my intentions are, life seems to happen and it seems to happen early.  If the first part of the morning would get away on me, then I had that sweet quiet moment once hubbie left for work and the kids caught the bus.  That is not my reality any longer with one at home full time so an adjustment was needed.  The past couple weeks I have been writing right after lunch most days.  My sweet girl settles down into a 1/2 hour of quiet reading.  This has proven to be a great time to write and then read with her.

That covers off a few of my goals but there are many more where consistency is proving to be a struggle.  I have discovered the value of get things done earlier in the day as it is very difficult to accomplish everything that has been missed once you are in your fuzzy jammies settling down for the night.  Nights in our home are busy and I am not really a night person.  Early is much better than later.

I find that I also struggle with this time of day called "later".  It is not that I don't think of the things that I need to do throughout the day, I just tell myself that this moment is not a good time and that I will conquer that "later".  Then I find myself reviewing my day in fuzzy jammies trying to figure out why my numbers are not where I'd like them to be.

I am blessed with a great deal of flexibility in how I spend my day.  I am sure many people covet that flexibility.  What I have discovered though is that this flexibility also means my days often lack imposed structure.  To succeed in mastery, there must be a degree of structure.  Since my life lacks imposed structure, it is up to me to develop self imposed structure or simply put routines.  Although I understand this and it really sounds simple, it has proven to be a struggle for me to fully implement.  This is a key focus that I will continue working on this year.  Why?  I want to achieve my goals and the only way that will happen is if I put in the work.

Start Where You Are

The Year of the Pig has been underway for nearly a week.  I have to say that my start has not been strong.  There are a variety of reasons- illness being one of them.  Then there are a pile of excuses - busyness, funk from the delightfully cold weather we are experiencing and just general complacency.  For the past week, I've been poking away at requirements but not with full commitment.

The banquet always helps to give me an attitude adjustment.  Watching the candidates this past year has filled me with mixed feelings.  There is a general sense of awe at how they just nailed every part of their year.  They followed to program laid out before them.  They did not question why they needed to do what was asked, they just did it.  The improvement over the year was incredible to watch.  They may not have been able to see it themselves, but it was evident to those watching their progress.

Then there is this feeling that is hard to define but it is definitely not as comfortable.  I'm not sure how exactly to explain it because it is a mixed up mumble in my own mind.  I know the feeling originates from the disbelief that I too can achieve that level of awesomeness.  I truly question my ability to ever be prepared to grade let alone actually pass.  These feelings come from a high level of respect for all those who have travelled before me mixed in with a heavy dose of lack of faith in my own abilities.

Anyways, back to where I had planned to take this blog...  Start where you are...

A couple weeks ago I was wandering through the library waiting for my girl to be ready to head home and this book title jumped out at me from the shelf.  It was "Start Where You Are".  I initially walked away but something in me kept drawing me back so finally I decided to just sign it out.  I have not really had the chance to get very far with it but the initial message is one that I needed right now.

Life is a journey.  Right now I am just starting out on the road that I hope will lead to grading day in the fall.  Part of me is looking backward with regret.  I should have started preparing earlier...  If only I had done a better job with my Dog year requirements...  I should have's and if only's are really only good from making me feel badly about myself.  They do not spur me on or inspire.  What I have been doing the past week is working to first acknowledge exactly where I am right now and then to accept it.  I have found the acknowledgement part far easier than the acceptance part, if I'm being honest.  It is only from the place of acknowledging and accepting that I can truly make a plan to progress forward in a meaningful way - to start where I am - not where I wish I was.

This week I have set the goal to be mindful about where I am and what I need to be doing not just in that day but in that moment to keep inching forward.  The new black belts have shown all of us that what we need to do is just follow the program.  My plan is to be able to blog next week saying that I have not only followed the program but have managed to make up some of the lost ground from this week.  You would think after being on the team for so many years that this would be easy, but I am finding that the longer I am on the team, the harder it is proving to be.

On a side note...  My weapon came in the mail on Friday!  I am ridiculously giddy about how pretty it is...  Sorry Mr. Sollinger...  I promise I will do my best to make it look pretty mean instead of just plain ole pretty.

Being the Hands and Feet

A century ago life looked very different.  Our communities were smaller.  They were tight-knit.  Communities often looked more like families than anything else.  Ideally in a family, everyone pitches in to support one another, meet each other's needs and love each other well.  Communities lived this out on a larger scale.

Fast forward to today.  Our communities are much larger as people have moved into cities.  The communities that were once so knit together have taken on a new look.  People often do not know the people that share a fence or hallway with.  People do not share their lives in the same way. They are isolated from one another and the effects can be seen in the health of our communities, families and our mental health.

I believe that we were made to be in real community.  I believe we were made to knit together in relationships.  We are made to be kind to one another, do acts of kindness, to help.  It has become harder and harder in our society to live this out.  If you don't know your neighbours, then you don't know their needs.  We have been trained to either avoid eye contact or answer with a perfectly unauthentic "I'm fine." We do not even know the needs of others and they do not know ours.  The isolation continues...

How can we change this?  We have to do our small part in the world to be the hands and feet in our communities helping others and living with authenticity.  I have been blessed to be able belong to and raise my children within sub-communities (families) where we have the opportunity to do this.  We have been able to surround ourselves with living examples of how to be a blessing and how to in turn, receive a blessing.  

Silent River is one of those families that provides these opportunities both within the walls of the kwoon and also out in the larger community.

One of the ongoing projects that is happening right now is the Adopt a Driveway.  This is a perfect example of how our world has changed.  A century ago there likely would not have been a need to have a formal program because people would have just taken it upon themselves to just take care of one another.  In some parts of our communities, this is still the case.  For a variety of reasons, this is not happening on it's own for many in need, so a more formal program was developed.  We have been provided with the blessing of caring for one sweet couple through the simple act of clearing snow for them.  This one simple act may make the difference between whether or not they can stay in their family home and remain independent.  This is a simple gift that we can give to them.  In exchange we get to have some laughs while clearing the snow as a group and that warm feeling of knowing that we are making a real difference in their lives.

I challenge each of you to look around, really look.  We have lived in isolation within our larger communities for far too long.  Each of us alone cannot change the way our society is headed but we have the opportunity to each be a bright light.  That bright light has the ability to have a domino effect which does have the power to make real changes.  Open your eyes and your hearts today, see a need.  Then be the hands and feet and do what you can to meet that need.  It may be a simple as a smile to brighten someone else's day!  

Reflecting on the Year of the Dog

It is the time of year where we are taking stock of what we planned, how it all turned out so that we can learn as we move forward.


For the Year of the Dog, I had a plan. 

My first main kung fu goal was to be promoted to second degree brown belt.  The second goal was to start looking forward to grading in the Year of the Pig.  I did obtain the first goal in June of 2018.  Due to life changes, I feel that I did not get a solid handle on the second goal.  Many of the smaller (if you can call 50 000 push ups or 1000 form reps small) goals were not consistently pursued.  There were many opportunities lost and as a result, I am not where I had planned to be.

Personally, the goals that I had set where always somewhat geared towards preparing for a grading year.  I planned to lose weight and be in better physical condition, get my home in order and running more smoothly all while focusing on personal growth and my key relationships.

If you go solely off the list of personal goals that I set and use it as the only measure of success and failure, this year would appear to be a bust.  Physically I am not even close to where I planned to be (actually further).  Organizationally, my home is in complete chaos as we have started a major basement renovation which seems to impact every single corner of our home.

Some of the goals that I did fully succeed in.  My km were easily reached.  I have already read 32 books with a couple more that should be completed before the end of the year.  My goal was 24 books.  Much of my reading was to learn, grow and stretch as live was shifting and changing.

As life unfolded this year, my key focus turned from where I thought it would be, preparation for grading, to relationships - primarily my relationships with my children.  Relationships take focus and time and I do not regret a single moment that I have spent building the relationships I have with my family.  Homeschooling has placed a significant focus shift and time demands on life and it is the structure of the IHC that has allowed me to be able to have any sense of success in this new endeavor.  I have always struggled with consistency, becoming my child's teacher has forced me to work hard on this area.  I am building tools in the areas of organization, planning and consistently following through that I can use in other areas of my life.  Most importantly, I am building relationships with my people.

As I look forward, the goal is to take the consistency that I have been learning and apply it to the coming year.  I will need this consistency as I continue to care for my family, homeschool, manage our home, survive renovations, keep my business afloat, all while preparing to grade.  When I put it in a nice, neat list like this it still feels more than a little overwhelming.  My mindset is to take small bite size steps each day, to make a plan, continue to work on consistency and then reflect.  I am looking forward to where the Year of the Pig takes me.

Plodding on Along

Plodding - to work slowly and perseveringly at a task

Today's lesson came directly from Language Arts 7.  We have been looking at fables and one of the assignments was to read an Aesop's Fable and rewrite it in your own words.  The fable of The Tortoise and The Hare was the fable chosen.

I can relate my kung fu journey to the journey of the tortoise in many ways.  I started this journey later in life.  I was not in great physical shape and honestly, I still have a great deal of work to do.  I did not join with aspirations of even gaining a black belt.  Honestly, that thought was absurd to me.  Clearly I was not black belt material.

Fast forward many years and here I sit looking forward to a potential grading year.  I wondered how on earth I got here and the only answer that I can come up with is that tortoise.  I plodded on along.  I did not rise through the ranks quickly.  I just kept on showing up ready to learn.  I kept on trusting my instructors to teach me what I needed to learn.  Even through a year of injury, I just kept showing up even if my participation was limited to the bench.  Slow and steady...

Now it is time for me to define how I will proceed this coming year and I have decided to continue down this path of plodding.  Sustaining what is required on the path of mastery is honestly not really exciting on a day to day basis.  The way to sustain is to continue to persevere each and every day putting one foot in front of the other.  The tortoise was not fast but he never lost sight of his end goal.  Each step was deliberate, the process was definitely not quick.  That is the plan for this year.  To start each day with a plan.  To end each day with reflection.  To just keep moving forward...

New Year, New Opportunities

I love fresh starts.  One of my weaknesses is that I seem to need them constantly.  I know intuitively that each moment can be a new start but nothing feels fresher than a new calendar year.  Being part of the IHC, this fresh start is different.  Goals are made based on the Chinese calendar so January 1st does not mean new goals.  I find it does mean a fresh, new energy to carry me through that last month heading into the new IHC year.  Then it is another new start.

Last night we brought in the new year with a family movie night.  We have been on the road visiting family in BC and Alberta and it was good to slow down and just be the four of us.  The first movie we watched was Greater.  This movie is an incredible true story about a young man who aspired to play football first at the high school level, then university level and finally in the NFL.  The young man was killed just shy of signing that his NFL contract but his legacy changed football in the southern states forever.  He was not naturally talented.  He worked hard every single moment with the singular focus to obtain his goals.  He inspired the people in his world with the integrity he showed.  He did not let a single opportunity pass him by.

This story is serving as the perfect send off into this year.  I have one big goal.  I want to earn the right to be on the mats on grading day.  I am not sure what this year will bring but I will be looking for each and every opportunity.