The past few weeks have been filled with big decisions and impending change. Life has felt very chaotic and out of control. There have been some realities that I have been working through mentally and it has required a great deal of deep soul searching.
The first reality is that we are moving to Terrace, BC. When? That I cannot tell you at this time. Chad starts his new job there on October 1st. I need to get the house ready for sale, sold and then we can officially relocate. There are a few moving parts of this process that I can control. Most of it, I cannot... at least not at this time.
The second reality is that my sweet girl has a fractured tibia. She is in a cast until the end of the month and then an air boot. This has been a significant hit to her independence and as such has required me to be there for her virtually constantly to this point. We are working to find ways to make life easier for both of us.
The third reality is that I will not be grading for my black belt this year. In light of the first reality, this has been a major mental struggle. I feel like this is my one and only chance. This has lead to some major soul searching. My first reaction was to simply completely give up. Really, what's the point if I can't get my black belt. Why bother spending anymore time on this if I won't ever be able to grade? These are funny and foreign thoughts to a girl who had never really entertained grading until about a year ago. I also recognized that I made a commitment to the school, to the team and to myself to complete this year of mastery so why bother was no longer an option.
I need to make a choice about who is serving who in my relationship with kung fu.
The reality of where I am today and the training that would be required for me to grade in November, I would need to make myself a full time servant to kung fu. In light of all that is going on in the rest of my life, this is simply not possible. I actually believe that any attempt to do that would result in a very unhealthy balance for myself and my family in this time of change.
We are taught to train in kung fu so that kung fu can serve us in every area of our lives. If I were to simply throw in the towel and quit right now, it is almost like saying that there was no value to this way of thinking. This would be a massive disservice to the years that my instructors have poured into me and the work I have put in up until this point. The lessons have become a part of who I am. It does not turn off like a faucet.
I need to allow kung fu to serve me. I started taking kung fu because I needed the physical outlet and it allowed me to train with some fantastic people. I continued to train for these reasons. The mental stimulation has been a huge draw over the years, particularly through tough times of injury. The reasons for training were always to do with learning the art, not to achieve a specific belt level. Kung fu has invaded every part of my life - my mind, my body and my relationships. The next few months are filled with unknowns and change but one thing that I know for sure is that I have my kung fu training and my kung fu family to help me through this next stage of my journey.
So where would you be if your grading day was in December and not November? How about January? February? What about July 2010? Would you pull the plug on your black belt goal then? My point is, there is no termination date or expiration date on mastery. Deadlines and time are only relevant in that they allow us all to synchronize our lives and our training. Don't let something like a move or a broken tibia hold you back. You have been through worse and have come through the other side. There is no question in my mind that you are going to earn a Silent River Kung Fu black belt. We just need to work with your reality and iron out a plan.
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