An Unexpected Week

Earlier today I read Ms. Tomie's post about the lead up to her Christmas celebrations.  I have so been there.  The vision of the perfect Christmas.  Then the near death experience of trying to pull that all together.  I seriously own that T-shirt.  It made my heart break a little inside for her when I pictured her nearly killing herself to get it all just so.  I was happy to read that it had turned out purrfect in the end.


Last year I was placed on bed rest for the month on December.  I HAD to let it all go.  There was nothing perfect about the preparations.  Nothing was done the way I felt it should be and there was really nothing I could do to change that.  I was so hard on myself and really it was pointless because I had done my best.


I resolved that this year would be different.  This year the goal of course was to have a lovely Christmas for my family - lovely, not perfect.  The underlying current was that I was going to be kind to myself while doing my best.  The result was that I was learning to be happy with good enough.


This year I had some major work deadlines that needed to be met before Christmas.  This meant some longer work hours in front of my computer that my poor post concussion brain has not quite grown accustom to.  The breaks and pacing that I have been using to cope had to take a back seat along with many other things in order to finish what needed doing.  I had to carefully plan my days to make sure that everything that must be done, was getting done. 


Then....  The flu hit...  My perfectly planned universe was met by my sweet girl getting the flu bug the week before Christmas.  All I could think was ugh - how am I going to care for her, get the gift purchased and wrapped AND meet my clients deadlines.  All this stress and wasted emotion really for nothing.  She really just wanted to sleep.  The gifts did indeed all get purchased (the list was quite short this year anyway) and wrapped.  I finished up the last of my client work at around 1:00 on Christmas Eve with a cheer.


Then it was time to prepare for Christmas dinner.  One of our traditions is to have our big feast on Christmas Eve (as long as we aren't having company on the 25th) so that I do not have to cook on Christmas Day.  So I started rolling the cabbage rolls and getting our celebration ready to roll. We ate.  We hit the Christmas Eve service at church.  We came home and opened our shiny new pj's, prepared for Santa and the reindeer (even the trail of shiny reindeer food running down the driveway) and started watching a movie as a family.  Awesome!!!!!


The Christmas morning hit...  Along with the flu's next victim...  This time it was me...  I had been so pumped.  I was ready for Christmas.  I was not ready for this flu bug.  I am so grateful that my kids are older.  They were so patient with the whole gift opening process which took 10 times longer than it normally would have because mom had to keep tapping out.  Once the gifts were done I went to bed and slept.


Boxing Day arrived...  This was the day we were supposed to pack up and drive to Calgary for Christmas with my family.  That wasn't happening.  I was way to sick.  I slept through another full day with a crazy high fever.


Now this crazy flu has just settled into a cough and a runny nose but it sure did an amazing job of rearranging absolutely everything I had planned for Christmas this year.  I guess it was just a sweet reminder that it is just a day.  An even sweeter reminder that I have an amazing family who took such good care of me when I was completely sidelined.  And the silver lining is (just like Sifu Brinker requested), I believe I have this year's flu bug out of the way before the banquet.  (That is my Christmas gift to all of you.)


My extended family has been pretty amazing too.  I believe we are working to arrange another try at a Christmas gathering either tomorrow or Friday at either our house or my parent's place at Pigeon Lake.


Anyways, that was my crazy, unexpected yet surprisingly blessed week.

Precious Time

It is that time of year where we are all (or at least most of us) feel like we are losing our minds.  There is so much to do, so many people to see - and just not enough time.  Christmas is coming and all of the celebrations and preparations.  The end of the year is looming and there are all those unmet deadlines and goals. 

The past week or so I've been struggling with all of this.  There just does not seem to be enough hours to do all that I feel I must.  Then this morning as I was attempting to prepare myself to nail today's impossible to do list, there was a post on Facebook with a link to a TED talk.  My first instinct was that I don't have time to listen to a talk.  Then I reminded myself that I could do it while I cleaned the kitchen later (plus did I mention that I had found time to check Facebook)....


The perspective of this speaker really shifted my thinking - so much so that here I am writing a blog about it.  I had not planned to write a blog today but the shift in priorities was needed.  You see, there are two reasons that I have not blogged.  The first is that the past couple weeks have been tough mentally.  The second reason was that I felt there just wasn't time.  That's an excuse.  I simply did not want to blog.  I know I agreed to do it.  I know that it is so beneficial every time I do it, yet I chose to not do it under the guise that I do not have time.  This is not just the case with blogging but with all of our IHC goals. 


Today, I have time.  Today, I will place my priorities at the top of the list.  Today, I will chose to use my precious 24 hours in a way that will line up with my goals and priorities.


Anyways, I've attached the link to the TED talk below.  For those of you who feel pressed for time, I think it was only about 15 minutes long.  Take a listen while you clean the kitchen, you will be happy you did!


https://www.ted.com/talks/laura_vanderkam_how_to_gain_control_of_your_free_time#t-702324

Habits

Habit - a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

The past two years, the primary focus of my goals for the IHC program has been to build little habits into my life.  The end goal is to live in effortless effort - you know the state Sifu Brinker talks about where you are rocking the world and getting it all done yet it requires no real effort on your part. 


I have realized in my quest to build these habits, that I really struggle.  I can do what I am supposed to do day after day but then something upsets the applecart and it's gone in a blink.  All of the practices I have been trying to put into place fall away so fast and I feel like I am back at square one.


I have put some thought into why this happens.  First of all, it is really easy to be lazy and not do what needs doing.  The other factor that I think has really been hampering me is that I have not actually built any real habits.  There are no real triggers to the activities I am trying to incorporate - that is except the time on the clock at the end of the day as I am trying to cram in as much as I can. 


I am so blessed to have the life I have.  I get to stay home and be a mom while also running a small business.  This lifestyle brings a different, crazy schedule each and every day.  When you look at my calendar, the only constant is that there is no consistency.  My days are busy and full but the habits don't seem to be forming.  The only constant feels like my driving route to the kwoon and my white knuckles as I try to plow through my days.  Yup, no effortless effort happening here - YET!

A couple weeks ago, Mr. Helm mentioned a book called The Power of Habit.  I have picked this book up from the library and have started reading it.  So far I am only part way into chapter one.  I am definitely looking forward to getting some insight into habit forming.

Reflecting

Earlier this week the whole theme of reflecting was fresh on my mind.  It all really started with the demo on Saturday.  A year ago I was at the demo but I was sitting in the audience.  It was not that I wasn't on the team.  It was not that I didn't want to be in the demo.  It was that I was medically not allowed to perform.  I had been benched due to my concussion.  I went back and read my blogs from a year ago.  I was in a tough, hard place.  I have had so much growth in some areas, and not nearly as much growth in other areas as I would like.  I can now see this because I documented my journey.  I had an entire blog written in my head on this but then Tuesday hit and although the blog in my mind was no longer what I needed to write this week, the theme of reflecting stuck.

This has been a challenging year.  My struggles with my physical and mental health have been a large part of my year.  I have also had to deal with some other challenges.  In March, I lost a much loved friend to cancer.  Fresh on that loss, a much loved family member received their own devastating news.  Yes, cancer had struck again and this time there was nothing the doctors could do.

On Tuesday afternoon, my husband's uncle lost his battle with cancer.  Now many would think that an uncle is somewhat removed, not like immediate family.  Not many people are not very close with their uncles, especially those adopted through marriage.  It was different with Uncle Gordon.  You see, my husband lost his own father to cancer when he was very young.  Uncle stepped up to the plate and became a surrogate father.  Chad has amazing memories of camping and fishing and spending time with his uncle.  He was always there at the drop of a hat for us, just like a parent.  When it was time for them to build their retirement home out at Alberta Beach, we ended up buying their acreage - just to keep it in the family.  Everywhere we look we see his hand and love in our lives.

So as I reflect on the example that Uncle left, I honestly can only think of positive memories.  He was an amazing man, father, grandfather, uncle.  What really sticks out to me is that he never seemed to be in a hurry.  He was a regular in our kitchen, stopping in to see if we needed help with anything or just for a cup of coffee.  His life was lived with people as his focus.  He was a rock and anchor for Chad when he lost his father.  He was a rock an anchor to me when Chad was working out of town.  I have memories of spending days crawling around on the floor of our new shop zip tying tubing down to rebar for the in floor heat.  I have memories of him trying to teach me the ins and outs of the boiler system we have in our house (I am not a quick student).  Most of all I have memories of him sitting at our kitchen table regularly with a cup of coffee and a huge smile - always happy, never hurried.  I know that it brought him joy to see us raising our kids in the home he had built.

Loss has a way of making us reflect.  I want my life to be filled with the qualities that we were so blessed to see in Uncle. 

Reviewing Progress

One of the most beneficial habits I have established this year has been how I end my days.  I sit with my tracking binder.  I fill in my numbers for the day.  I write down all the acts of kindness I can remember.  I write in my gratitude journal.  Then I finish the day off with a personal journal and prayer time.  It is a great way to look at where I am, how things are going and to prepare myself for the day to come.


Funny things with these valuable habits....  They are so easy to take for granted.  I have ended my day this way for more than 200 days so far this year.  Then the later half of last week hit.  I was feeling physically off and tired.  Many great things were happening during the day BUT there is absolutely little to no record of them.  Why?  Because I allowed my tired self to veg out in front of the tv with my hubbie instead of finishing off my day the way I normally do.


The effect of this is that, although some great things happened last week, many of my numbers were very low.  The end of the week kind of snuck up on me because I was not being intentional about tracking where I was.  I was not always being intentional how I was or was not spending my time.  I was not able to give myself a the necessary kick in the butt because I didn't realize that it was necessary.


So...  The moral of the story is keep track DAILY!  Be accountable to myself DAILY!

Looking Forward

I know that I am supposed to writing about what the IHC has done for me this year but I have this blog floating around in my head and I need to get it down before it gets lost somewhere up in my cerebral mess never to be found again.  It is not only that time of year where it is time to look back at our journey, but it is time to start looking forward and setting the next round of goals.


I have really been struggling with looking forward.  The past month has really been plagued with periods of depression and generally funkiness.  To say that my first IHC year went nothing like planned would be a colossal understatement.  This year has been about healing and rebuilding.  Now it is time for go around number three and I was quite frankly feeling completely lost.


Yesterday I had the opportunity to sit with Sifu Brinker just before the kids grading and then attend the IHC meeting after.  There are several things that were said that have really stuck with me and I need to write myself a reminder to look back on.


The first one is that I was reminded it is normal to feel a little lost right now in the goal setting.  There is nothing like being reminded that your struggles are not new ones and ones that the people around me have not encountered.  That was really comforting.


The second reminder was that as we progress on our journey, we may not know what goals need to be set at the beginning of the year.  It may be ok to set just a few goals and then be open to pursue opportunities as they present themselves over the year.  I was reminded that this approach is only ok if the opportunities are indeed noticed and pursued and that we don't fall into a place of complacency and comfort.


Then there was the awesome reminder of effortless effort.  That state where you are just plugging along, taking care of business and you are rocking it but it really isn't requiring a ton of effort.


The final reminder was from Sifu T Beckett.  She spoke about how her next year was really going to be focused on simplifying her life.


So where is my own headspace in the middle of these fantastic reminders...  I do not need to get all crazy wrapped up in coming up with a huge set of amazing goals for the next year.  I look at some of the goals people set that push them way out of their comfort zones or to travel.  I want to be able to have these types of goals, but I am realizing at this point in my journey those epic sounding goals may be a huge mistake.  I am not living in a place of effortless effort.  Honestly, I feel completely maxed out most of the time and that I am not even close to nailing what needs to be done.  I am not even close to accomplishing my goals from this year.  I do make progress, just not to the promised level.


The past two years, my goals have been focused on establishing habits in many areas of my life.  They have put me on the journey towards that effortless effort but I have a long way to go (a really long way).  The accident and resulting concussion has been truly life altering.  My brain does not work the same way I have grown quite accustomed to it working.  My new life requires much more structure, routines and planning.  My old wing it by the seat of my pants living has left me with some very white knuckles this past year.  Where I used to be able to thrive in that environment, I no longer can.  I am learning how to best work with this new brain and I know that once I get it figured out, the changes are going to work out to my advantage.


In light of this, I am starting to look at goals for this next year that are very close to home.  As a work from home mama, I am either in my car or in my home.  My life has little structure or routine built into it.  Everywhere I look, I see a backlog of things that need addressing and little progress.  There is little escape from it really.  Routines and simplification seem to be exactly what I need to work towards the destination of peace in my surroundings and effortless effort in my actions.  Now to figure out how to put all of that into some very concrete, measureable goals...

Tiger Challenge 2016

Saturday was such a full, amazing day.  It is really hard to even put it into words.


First of all, I want to thank Sifu Csillag for his master organizing skills - really he is the glue that held the whole event together.  Thank you for letting me help out with the organizing and scorekeeping.  I learned a lot in the process.  There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes to have a day like that come off successfully - more than I believe most people realize.  


Now for the preparation for the event...  Same as always...  I knew it was coming.  We had plenty of advance warning, yet it seemed to sneak up all the same.  This is the place where I insert the whole wish I would have put in more time before the event comments.  I will spare you that internal dialog.


The day of the event was fantastic!  Scorekeeping for the itty bitty guys was so much fun.  Seriously, how do you even begin to judge such cuteness.  Then to add to it all some of them were in their Halloween costumes.  You could see life lessons being learned.  You could see growth just in the short time they were there.  Quite an inspiring bunch of mini ninjas.  From Miss Tomie going from tears to gold and Mr. Thompson almost winning a medal in the pool noodle fight after having never had the courage to join a class. 


Next up the scorekeeping for the intermediate black dragons.  I have to say, I have a extremely large bias towards one of the competitors.  It was interesting watching the forms division unfold.  My girl went out and rocked out her form.  She made a small mistake at the beginning but totally recovered.  She really put her best foot forward.  Being the scorekeeper, I was able to watch exactly where she stood amongst the other kids but had to keep it quiet.  So hard to play stoneface when you are one proud mama.  She looked surprised when she won the gold so I must have done that part of my job well.  Her musical form went well.  She missed the one whoosh in the music and beat herself up about that but she put herself out there and performed great.  She ended off the day competing with me in the adult team forms.  She learned a new form, competed against other adults and made her mama so proud.


Waylon also had a very successful day.  I know he would have loved to have walked away with more hardware but instead he was filled with inspiration to push hard for next year and some great life lessons.  He was reminded that even if you do a really hard form, your stances and technique need to be bang on.  He really put himself out there by trying a Sai form that he learned at the forms seminar.  He walked away so happy that he did not drop them or impale himself or any of the judges.  The fight choreography he did was done as well as I had ever seen them do it.  It was long and jam-packed with moves from the curriculum, especially the grappling.  It was such a fun and creative way for the boys to really work on their kung fu.  The next day he spent a bunch of time up in his room just before bedtime.  When I went in to say good night he showed me a list of goals.  Some of them big goals for the next year in kung fu.  It put a fire in his belly.


As for my events, I was happy with the performances that I put out.  Tai He went fairly well.  I had one moment where I lost where I was but recovered.  I'm hoping the only one who may have noticed was Sifu Beckett.  Tai Chi Broadsword went well.  I have to admit, I really wanted to perform it in the other ring.  The idea of doing a tai chi form for Sifu Brinker was pretty intimidating...  I decided before I entered the ring that I was going to do the fastest tai chi form that I could pull off without sacrificing the technique I had been working on.  The past month I had been working on really slowing it down and cleaning up the footwork and trying to eliminate any bobbing up and down.  I decided to speed it up so that I would not put the panel to sleep.  Finally, was the team form.  Like I mentioned above, I was so focused on being proud of my girl that I hardly remember doing my part of the form.  A very good day!


The rest of the day was also fantastic.  I love watching the black belts perform their forms.  So much to be learned just by watching how they move.  I find having the visual is very helpful for me.  Then the obstacle course...  I nearly lost my pants in the tunnel.  Life lesson - tie them up next year.  Watching everyone else do the obstacle course was a hoot!  Who would have thought it would get so competitive with people diving, broken bones and sprained hands.  You guys are very hardcore!!!


Such a great day!  Spending a day building lessons and memories with my kung fu family.  Hard to get much better than that!

Working on Still & Present

This morning I went back and read that little reminder I wrote for myself last week.  I needed the reminder today, well actually I constantly need it....


Monday I woke up to a calendar with white space on it.  I thought it would bring a sense of relief as I systematically worked my way through all the backlog of stuff I have to do.  Keep my mind still and present on what I am doing, just tick things off one by one.  Sounds dreamy!


Instead on Monday my brain ran around frantically wanting to do it all, all at the same time.  I kept trying to reign it in.  I did manage to get an impressive list of things ticked off.  I had times where I was focused and then there were other times where I have no idea where the hour went.


Tuesday I woke up to that wet hazy weather and felt really funky.  Started my morning off with another dog therapy session in the wet and muck.  The rest of the day went better.  I made a plan and one by one did the plan.  Yet my mind was still so restless.


The rest of the week has been pretty much the same.  On task at times, all over the place the next.  This morning has been a real all over the place kinda day.  Deep breathe.  Be still, be present.  Make a plan.  Work the plan.  Stop thinking about everything else.


I know Yoda does not believe in trying...  It is either do or not do.  In this case I hope he is wrong.  I want to do.  Haven't figured out how to do, especially not consistently.  I am working to put myself back where I belong.  I am trying and today that is all I have.

Be Still, Be Present

So I know I just blogged two days ago, but Guiness & I had the best chat today while we were out for a walk and I wanted to write myself a little reminder so you are all going to get it...  He is just the best listener and allows me to ramble on until I finally get to the point.


This week has been ridiculously crazy.  I look back at everything that was packed into my week and I totally understand why I feel all over the place and exhausted.  Every single day was filled to overflowing with appointments and places to be.  I was also flying solo as this was really the first full week that Chad has been out of town since the end of last November.  I can honestly say that my super hero cape is not bunched up in my panties today but parts of it looks like it may have met a shredder...


So obviously my body was not very still and neither was my mind.  It spent the entire week pinging all over the place trying to keep track of everything that was going on plus mentally trying to do everything that I seriously did not have the time or capacity to do.  It is hard to get your computer work or housework done if you are driving in circles in the car...  At one point my brain was so overloaded that I got myself lost driving to a friend's house in Parkland Village.  I had to humble myself and ask her to direct me back to where I needed to be and we had a good laugh once I arrived.  This is just an indication of where my brain was at (or not).


Then I reflected on this next week.  My calendar this next week puts a smile on my face.  There are lots of white spaces.  Yay!  There are no extras in the next week really.  Part of me started to celebrate thinking break time!!!  Then the other side of me scolded that side and said that it was time to buckle down and get everything done that hasn't been done for the last year.  Yes, my inner spirit is often at complete odds with itself.


So today, Guiness and I decided that I would take neither of these approaches.  Taking a full fledge break is not going to really be restful, more like guilt-ridden.  In addition, I know me.  I need to keep myself in motion because if I stop, often I get sick and there is no time for that nonsense.  So we decided that I should approach this week in the middle of these two extremes. 


This week the focus is to be still mentally while continuing to move physically.  The best way that I can think to do that is to stay present in exactly what I am doing and not be focusing in the last five things I didn't do quite right and the next twenty things that will likely not get accomplished.  One thing at a time.  One focus at a time.  One breathe at a time.  A still and present mind...

Forms Seminar - 2016

I want to start this off by first of all acknowledging everyone who was at the Forms Seminar on Saturday!  Thank you to the people who worked behind the scenes to organize it all.  Thank you to all the Sifus who spent their time helping each of us reach our goals.  Thank you Sifu Vantuil for your unending patience.  Thank you Mr. Kohut and Mr. Sand for being my partners in this.  Thank you to the other participants who helped make it so memorable. 

This year I chose to do Lao Gar again.  I learned a great deal of it last year at the Forms Seminar.  It was shortly after the seminar that I was put on couch rest and a restricted heart rate.  All of the information that was so carefully shared was scrambled around in my poor brain.  I had walked out of the seminar last year feeling so accomplished, but felt that I had wasted all of everyone's efforts once I was able to get moving again.  It is so true that you need to keep on it so you don't lose it.

This year before we even started Sifu Brinker asked us to really ground ourselves.  To figure out what our goal for the day was and to keep that goal in front of us for the remainder of the afternoon.  That was simply...  I wanted to put back together the fragments and then learn the rest of the form.  The main goal was to get out in front of the panel at the end of the day and do the entire form (hopefully without too many mistakes or pauses).

As we started working with Sifu Vantuil, I realized that there was not as much lost as I had originally feared.  I still had some of the sequences stored and once I started moving they fell together.  There was just a loss more in the transitions.  I knew where I needed to go, just couldn't remember how to get there.

By the end of the seminar, I was actually feeling pretty good about where I was and how things were going.  I was able to run through the entire form.  Then it was time to perform for the judges panel.  Yikes!  I realized that the orientation that I had been practicing was facing the mirrors.  Now I needed to face the benches.  Normally I am able to flip my forms to different directions but this one was still feeling pretty shiny new and I was still really relying on physical landmarks.

That all said, I did make it through the whole form.  There were a few mistakes.  One was in a place where I consistently had been missing something and correcting.  It shows we really do perform how we practice.  So much so that I actually smiled to myself at that point.  Sorry Sifu Hayes...  I managed to landmark the first 2/3 of the form not too badly to the new orientation.  The last 1/3 I honestly did get turned a little around but I did get in all of the steps and finished as strong as I could.  At the end I was feeling a little disappointed with how I had messed up the ending.  The comments from the Sifus were then filtered through that disappointment at first as well.  Then I remembered that grounding moment from the beginning of the day.

So what did I learn on Saturday...  Obviously, I learned a new form.  I learned to think ahead about how I will need to perform it so that I can place my landmarks a little differently.  I experienced that mistakes will likely come out just like you practice them.  I received lots of constructive comments that I can take away and apply to what I did learn so that I can continue improving.  Most importantly, I realized that I had set a goal and I did indeed achieve it.  Perspective helped turn all of this back into a positive experience.  Now to keep working on the form so that I can keep all of the pieces.

How Does Your Cape Fly?

This blog post has been mentally in the works for a couple of weeks.  I am struggling to find the right the words.  Perhaps it's because I have mixed feelings that I am sorting through.  I have questions that I have been pondering and have not yet resolved.  Anyways, I am going to try to put into words some of the conversation I've been having in my head.


Mastery...  That is what we are after.  That is what we signed up for.  That is with the understanding that mastery is not actually achievable but we are to pursue it daily as a journey.


So what does mastery look like?  It looks different to each and every one of us.  We all have our own versions of what our best life would look like.  It is the time of year that Sifu Brinker has asked us to really reflect on our journey since February and also to look forward for the next year.  It is goal setting time and without a clear vision of where we want to go, you can't set good goals.


So what does mastery in my life look like?  I have a very clear picture of what I would love my life to look like.  It is filled with love and order.  I have an abundance of time for family and friends.  My faith walk flourishing.  I am able to volunteer in my community as my heart leads me.  My house is not just under control, but looks like it could belong in a magazine.  My yard and garden, the same deal.  Kung fu, I would definitely look like a ninja.  My small business would be flourishing with my clients needs always being exceeded.  I would have time to pursue different leisure activities (reading, music, crafts) without cutting into any of these other areas.  This picture has always been pretty clear for me.  Can't you just see it!  There I am living this amazing life.  I have my superwoman cape on.  It is flowing in the wind.


Except, this is not what my journey looks like.  I am truly pursuing this life.  I even have my cape on.  It is not flowing in the wind.  It is seriously bunched up in my panties.  As I reflect on the vision I have for my life, I am more and more feeling like it is utterly unrealistic and that it just may be my undoing.  I spread myself too thin by trying to spread myself too far.  At this season of my life, I do not posses the time, strength or energy to truly pursue this full vision all at once.  The result has been a great deal of overwhelm, frustration and bad attitude. 


So what is a girl to do?  Seriously, folks I have been trying to figure this out!  I am still working through this.  I do know that it will be challenging to set goals going forward until I can sort through some of it.  Anyways, that is where my head and my heart are at.  Now I am off to untangle and unbunch my cape so that I can catch my zzz's so I can pursue mastery again tomorrow.

Focused on Thankfulness

It is that time of year, the time where we are all focused on our blessings and giving thanks.  This week I have had many great chats with my sweet girl and situations that have left my heart blessed.


On Wednesday, I chose to miss kung fu class to attend the first joint chapel of the school year with my kids.  It was a special day in many ways.  The school program that my kids attend was structured as a K-9 program under one roof.  With the boundary changes, they have had to split the kids up between two different schools.  There has been questions about how that will work and play out.  On Wednesday, the little ones made the trek across the road and they had everyone under one roof.  The speakers were the Soap Box Duo.  They are a local musical group.  They have a really cool, unique sound and are so talented.  Anyone who can sing in a school gym and still sound amazing has real talent.  Once the singing was over they presented a powerful chat about gratitude.  I am so lucky that my kids get these opportunities at school.


On Thursday as we were driving to kung fu, Georgia asked me what my favourite season was.  After chatting, we decided we loved them all.  There is something wonderful about each and every one.  From how crisp and clean the world looks after a new snow fall, to the bright green of new leaves blooming on the trees and the flowers bursting from the ground in spring, to the lazy lake days of summer, to the colourful display of nature and crisp mornings of fall - there are things to appreciate if you stop to think.  The one that she found the funniest was that I loved the smell of dirt when the farmers are turning the soil in the spring and when I'm working in the garden in the summer.


Anyways, my point is that this weekend we are all very focused on our blessings.  That is great but it must not stop there.  Blessings don't just come with turkey or tofurkey or turduckin or whatever we chose to eat this weekend.  Blessings are in our days today, tomorrow and every single day.  We need to just open our eyes and hearts to receive them.

Squirrel.....

This blog is a few days overdue...  It's not that I've been too busy.  It's not that I didn't think of it.  It is simply the fact that my mind feels completely frantic this week and in this place, I have been unable to find the words to write.

I remember a time when I had ducks.  They most certainly did not all line up in a row very often but at times they did.  But at least I had ducks.  Life was full and busy but most days I felt I could conquer whatever came my way by at least getting a few in a line up.

Since my concussion, this has not been the case.  My ducks are gone and squirrels have taken up residence.  Some days the squirrels are able to focus a little and collect nuts and pretend to put them in a row, or maybe just a jumbled pile.  This week in particular though they have been at a rave.

I find myself constantly asking "Where am I and what am I doing?"  Unfortunately, more often than not the answer is "I don't know!!!!"  I am still coming to terms with the new brain this accident has left me with.  One that doesn't seem to handle chaos and overwhelm as easily.  One that is step by step forcing me to look more closely at life and try to keep things a little simpler because it simply can't handle the overload that my old life was filled to overflowing with.  It is forcing me to ask the questions over and over until I actually can stop the spinning and figure out where I am.  It is only then that I can figure out what I am supposed to be doing.

Remarkably Unremarkable...

I have a bit of a routine when it comes to blogging.  I have purposely chosen to not blog on the weekends.  There is just too much going on for me to sit down and collect my thoughts and then put them down.  Then there are Mondays....  They are on the go and busy but this is the day that I usually start thinking about what to write about.  Tuesdays on the most part are the day that I get to regroup at home for most of the day and really get things done.  I try to protect my Tuesdays as much as possible.  Thus, today is blog day!


Yesterday, I starting the thinking process.  Really the past week has been busy but I kept my head down and kept pushing forward.  Really nothing spectacular or out of the ordinary.  Just doing life.  Things are not off the charts amazing but they are good.  I am in a good place.  I feel good.  Life is busy but I am making time to get done what needs doing and still taking time for myself.  It is good.


Last night I sat down to write in my prayer and gratitude journal.  It is something that I do every night (yes, one of my personal requirements).  Lately I've struggled to find anything really new to write about in my gratitude journal.  Things are good, I have lots to be grateful for but I struggle to see new things.  Then I started in on my prayer journal.  Honestly, many of my entries are very self focused but last night my heart was heavy for so many people in my life.  There are so many who are sick, injured and or struggling mentally.  Many have loved ones who are struggling with serious health issues and they are trying to care for them.  A sweet friend lost her father-in-law yesterday.  Sunday would have been my friend's 35th birthday if she had not lost her own battle.  Many are struggling with lack of work and how they are going to support their families.  Last night my heart was focused on those around me.


My conclusion to all of this is that my life, although it may seem utterly unremarkable right now, is so utterly blessed.  Today I am going to cherish that things are good and that they are just ticking along.  Today I will embrace the unremarkable as special gift.

Choosing My Fuel

The last meeting was a fantastic time of sharing filled with inspiring stories to fill our buckets.  I look at where Mr. Kirkman is right now and how hard he is working to feel a part of the team.  I can relate to his struggles because less than a year ago, they were my struggles.  Then Mr. Kohut's story about his health.  Wow!  I was on the verge of sharing where I was at, but seriously who can top that one!


So where am I at?  I remember at one of the very first meetings I ever attended in this program, Sifu Brinker asked us if we were in the best shape of our lives.  Not many hands popped up.  Mine was definitely not up.  That was one of the reasons I had joined the IHC.  I was ready for change.  The ride has been bumpy and riddled with learning experiences.  I have had setbacks to climb over and through which caused me to constantly change my approach.  Finally, this summer I was feeling like I was in a place to jump in with both feet for the first time since week 2 of my sheep year.  I decided the kick off would be bootcamp.  I was terrified but decided that this was what needed to happen so off I went.  It was the perfect kick off.  Many of the seminars where directly in line with the plan that I was putting into place.  Sifu Beckett's cut out the sugar, fix your portions and eat your fruit and veggies talk was in the works.  Sifu Lindstrom's get your butt moving at home talk was in the works.  Sifu Rybak's chat about different ways to view self defense were totally wrapped up in the plan.


After bootcamp, I went home exhausted, sore, but ready.  I have cleaned up my eating habits significantly.  I have been so much more active than in the past.  I am feeling the best that I have felt in years.  I am not in the best shape of my life but the journey is definitely heading in the right direction.


So then the meeting took an unexpected twist.  Sifu Brinker announced a 30 day vegetarian challenge.  I must say, this caused a great deal of inner conflict.  I am all for the idea of making positive changes - that is why I joined the program in the first place.  When I opt out of a challenge, I do not do so lightly.  To maybe understand my situation, a little back history may be helpful.


When my son was four years old, we were dealing with some new diagnoses and it was suggested that his diet could be a great help in supporting him.  We visited a naturopath and found out life changing news.  We removed wheat and most dairy from his diet.  We found out he holds onto heavy metals in his system so over the years we have done chelation.  The behavioural changes were unbelievable in the most amazing ways.


While this was all going on we were expressing concerns to our medical doctor about our daughter.  She was eating ravenously but had stopped growing or gaining weight.  She was falling off her growth curve - from 50th percentile to the 5th.  I kept being told it was because I am little person and this was just her way of ending up where she should be.  We took her to the same naturopath.  Another blood test similar to Way's but different results.  The diagnosis was early leaky gut.  Want to scare the pants off yourself, do a little research on that one and then think that your sweet 2 year old has it.  More diet changes - no wheat, absolutely no dairy, no eggs, limit her grains, serious rotation of foods plus horrible drinks to heal her guts.  But heal they did.  She started to gain weight.  She started to grow.  Within four months she was back up to the 50th percentile.


So for ease of the universe, we all went gluten free.  Back then it was not as easy as it is now.  Regular grocery stores did not carry the food it does now.  You could not buy the bread and buns without going to the city and then the options were very limited and extremely expensive.  I bought all these crazy flours and tried mixing them this way and that way trying to feed my kids.  The harder I tried to feed them properly, the worse I was feeling physically myself.


At the worst of it, I would feel not too bad until about 11am on a good day but then things would quickly fall apart.  I was either in the washroom or lying in my bed in agony.  This would carry on for most of the day and then repeat the next day.  I was trying to raise to kids.  My husband was working out of town.  Finally I broke and went to the doctor.  He diagnosed me with IBS and suggested that I reduce my stress.  Yup!  That was it.  I looked across the room at my kids, who had on rubber gloves and were taking turns shoving tongue depressors down each other's throats and asked which one he planned to take off my hands.  It was then that I decided it was my turn to visit the naturopath.


I did the same blood test that my kids did.  The results were different in many ways but similar in others.  Many of my favourite foods were on the do not eat list.  I resolved then and there that I would give it a try because of the success we had seen in the kids.  Within four day, ALL of my IBS symptoms were gone.  They stayed gone provided I stuck to not eating the list of foods that the blood test had said my body could not handle.  I have maintained that list to this day and when I feel tempted, my body is quick to remind me of why I just should not go there.


So what does this have to do with the vegetarian challenge...  Well my do not eat list has items such as most dairy, eggs, rice, beans, lentils, sweet potatoes...  I can see the merits and the arguments of the vegetarian side of this, but I just struggle with how I will ever be able to eat a sustaining vegetarian diet safely without some of these protein staples.  I look at how great I am feeling right now and I don't want to lose the ground I've made just to follow the group. 


I have asked myself if these limitations are an excuse or a reason.  This is a theme that has come up over the past year and I wanted to put this to the test in this decision.  I have decided at this time, it is very much a reason.  I am not afraid to make changes to my diet that I feel will be helpful.  I know that 30 days is really a very short time to go without something that you desire.  I just look back at how sick I was and I just can't jump in full bore and risk that.  I will continue the diet changes that I implemented only 6 weeks ago.  I am still in the process of taking those from a challenge sort of mindset to a lifestyle mindset.  One of the things that I have learned over the years is that we are each beautifully yet individually crafted.  There is not one diet that the whole world can eat and be healthy.  Each of us being individual, must find our own best way.  That does take experimenting and education.  I will be watching for recipes that will work for me and my family and will give them a try.  Please share!!!  Finally, I will be on the sidelines cheering those of you on this journey on along!

System Rebooted

So what to blog about when you have no idea what to blog about...  This is where I am at this week.


We are in full back to school mode.  Last week was fantastic.  Just three days of school to ease us all in plus no evening activities.  This is normally one of my favourite weeks of the year.  It is almost like New Year's - an opportunity to start fresh.  This year was actually such a change of pace that I crashed.  When you live a life of go, go, go...  sometimes when you stop to readjust, everything seems to just stop.  That is exactly what happened on Friday.  I was not really sick, just completely exhausted to the point of not being able to function.  Lots of rest and sleep over the weekend and this has passed thankfully because this week is full out.


This week has four days of school, a fiddle lesson, piano lessons, orthodontist appointments, massage, kung fu classes...  Back into the full swing.  It really is a pace that keeps me hopping and requires me to be constantly on my game. 


With the attempted return to having a schedule, I have also attempted to get my numbers going again.  I was nailing things pretty good last week until my system crashed.  The past few days have been better again.  Still striving for consistency.  The reality is that my numbers are not impressive for how late in the year we are but I can work hard to make that change.  I have taken a good look at my goals and where I am at and where I said I wanted to be at the end of the year.  Not sure that the full numbers are truly obtainable (they may be provided I have no more crashes and life does not happen ;) ).  In the meantime, I have where I want to be by the end of September in front of me and I am doing what I can to take consistent action to get there.

Discipline, Willpower and Habits

Discipline - when one uses reason to determine the best course of action regardless of one's desires.


Willpower - a combination of determination and self-discipline that enables someone to do something despite the difficulties involved.


Habit - a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.


I am currently reading a book called The ONE Thing - The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results by Gary Keller.  The chapters I've been reading the last few days deal with the lies we tell ourselves and the impact that they have on our ability to succeed.


This seems like an especially relevant topic after listening to the recording of the last meeting.  Based on what I could tell, a high number of the team is struggling with their numbers - I am one of those people.  As part of the IHC we all have very defined goals that can easily be measured.  We all have the ability to succeed or not at these goals over the year.  That is truth.


As I struggle, I personally tell myself that I need to have more self-discipline.  I don't particularly like working on some of my requirements (yes, push ups really aren't a fan favourite).  That is irrelevant though.  I have agreed to do everything in my power to reach 50,000 in a year and that takes daily progress if I'm going to have any hope in reaching that goal.


Then you look at the definition of willpower - so interlinked with discipline.  Willpower is amazing when it is firing on all cylinders, but the reality is that this is not how life works.  Willpower ebbs and flows - sometimes it is there and sometimes it can't be found anywhere in this universe.


So we sit down and look at our goals.  We know we need to correct the path we are on.  We determine how we are going to go after that.  We use discipline to chase these goals until that passion that fired this change dwindles (willpower).  Then we are back where we started.  Round and round we go.


This book addresses this vicious cycle.  Yes, to make a change we will need discipline and we will be greatly aided by willpower but not to the level that we believe we do.  The author emphasizes that we need to use our willpower and self-discipline with the focus of building good habits.  Success is not built by doing everything right all of the time - this is really an unobtainable situation.  Success is built by doing the right thing.  If we work to build these habits that are hard to give up, then reaching our goals is not going to be the same issue.  Now the caveat he gives is that these habits need to be built one at a time.  We can't go from zero to sixty and rebuild habits in every part of our lives all at once.  We not posses the discipline that would take and our willpower can't sustain it long term.


I personally have not built many habits over the past couple years.  I do log my numbers most nights, that is until I forget for a week and then need to reboot.  That really is the story on many fronts.  I find that Monday, I start firing on all fronts and then by Friday - nothing.  Then I tally up the week's numbers and Monday I nail it again.  Round and round.  Not ever fully off but not ever fully on long enough to build a true habit.  My numbers are growing each week but not at a pace that will meet my goals.


It is time for me to really look at my goals and start to build some real consistent habits!

Vacation, Lessons & Perspective

Last week we were on vacation.  The first day was pretty nuts.  Forgot the life jackets so had to come back home to get them.  Way had an allergic reaction to something and ended up with a late night trip to Rocky.  Then we settled in.  The next three days were pure bliss.  We hung out as a family.  We played crib, UNO and I have to say some very interesting games of Trouble where we embraced the spirit of the game.  We sat by the fire.  We walked and walked and walked.  We went out on the boat.  Chad took the kids for a full day.  They fished and then drove into the bush to do some target practice with the .22.  I walked Guiness and read. 


I love camping.  I love the total change of pace.  I find so much peace in just being away.  Did I mention, I love camping!!!  I had planned to write a whole blog on that and trying to figure out how to live in my crazy world while feeling just like I do when I am gone.


Then Monday hit along with a very unexpected typhoon.  We had no idea about the forecast when we went to bed on Sunday night.  Packing up our campsite was horrible.  The drive home was unsettling.  Unpacking the trailer in the pouring rain and trying to find ways to dry out everything was enough to completely undo all of the peace that I had found in the previous three days.  I was a cold and grumpy camper and my whole family knew it. 


Utterly disappointed with how quickly the glow of vacation had faded, I woke up Tuesday with a serious funk fueled by anxiety.  Thankfully I also had an appointment with my neuropsychologist that day as continued follow up from my concussion.  I took my anxiety and disappointment with me.  She imparted some wisdom that goes along with a constant theme in IHC conversations - being completely present and mindful.


Her lesson was in about changing my perspective.  Vacation is fantastic.  The peace and joy are fantastic.  When I am blessed with these moments, I am to fully recognize and appreciate them.  I can't always live on vacation.  If I actually succeeded in always being on vacation, it would eventually lose it's sparkle and shine.  I am to be thankful for the recharge and then accept that life is life and it is much crazier when I am not hiding out in the bush.  By being mindful of where I am and what I am doing I can find that joy in my day through accepting life as it comes.  I was moving through my mess but my mind was not present, it was still trying to hold onto vacation mode.  These two things do not work together very well and as a result I was grumpy and resentful.  Not a pretty picture.


Since that appointment, I have still struggled with letting go, accepting life as it comes and being mindful but it is a something that I am working towards. 

Making Some Changes

Change can be hard...  Change can be scary...  Change can be hard to maintain...  Change can end up being down right disappointing...


That is why I am hesitant to blog on this topic, yet one of the things we all promised was to live out our year publicly.  So here it goes...


For the past two years I have had the goal to get down to a healthier weight - one recommended by my doctor.  I would love to say that he is being completely unreasonable when he chose the number he gave me but that would not be true.  Not only is it reasonable, it really is obtainable but only with a ton of hard work.


I started off my weight loss journey last year strong.  Even blowing out my ACL did not slow me down much.  The specialist was actually shocked when I told her that I had not gained any weight during my recovery from my failed flying kick.  Then the accident happened...  Even in all that was going on, I managed to maintain the weight loss that I had achieved earlier in the year.  That is until the neuropsychologist put my flat on the couch for the better part of six weeks and the emotional lows set in.  Every ounce of progress was lost (or I guess gained is a better word in this instance).


I found this hard.  I found it hard to get face the truth.  I found it hard to find the motivation to do much about it.  I found it hard to say no to all the wrong foods.  Then at just the right moment, a sweet friend from Texas popped me a message.  It truly is all about timing sometimes...  She was trying to pull together a group of people who wanted to make positive changes in their lifestyles and lose weight in the process.  Yes!!!  Pick me!!!


With fear and trembling, I agreed to do it.  She was using the 21 Day Fix through Beach Body.  The package showed up the first week of August even though the official start date as not until the 8th.  The first few times I tried the exercise videos - they were so hard.  I could hardly walk for days leading into bootcamp.  The eating plan also looked tough.  I had to give up many of my fav foods or find healthier (not quite as yummy) alternatives.  Also, did I mention that I am a serious creature of habit.  I have eaten pretty much the same thing for breakfast for so many years it is a standing joke around here.  That needed to change...


As the start date approached, I wondered what I had gotten myself into.  Then bootcamp hit.  The seminars on nutrition and home fitness tied perfectly into the changes I was about to embark on.  It was almost like they knew...  Yet, I was afraid to say too much in case I wasn't able to follow through.  Change is hard...  Change is scary...


So now I am a full week in!  This change has not been as hard or as scary as I had anticipated.  I have had some not so fabulous breakfast moments trying to figure out the best fruit mix to use to naturally sweeten my oatmeal.  My kids have both wrinkled their noses up and question how anyone can give up processed sugar.  The eating plan really is just that - cut out the junk food (bad fats and sugar), eat a boatload of veg & fruit, learn what a proper portion actually looks like and have those starchy carbs done by the end of lunchtime.  The videos are still hard but they are getting easier each day.  I feel great and I have more energy than I have had in a long time.  And the bonus - my scale is starting to not tip quite so far. 


I still have a long way to go but I have a plan that is working.

I More Than Survived....

First of all I want to extend a HUGE thank you to everyone who was involved with yesterday's boot camp - for the organizers, the instructors and the participants!  What an awesome day!


So, yesterday was my first boot camp.  Honestly, I was terrified to go.  I kept hearing how awesome they always are but in my mind I couldn't get past the 14 hours ending with the black belt fitness test.


When I joined the IHC team originally, I told Sifu Brinker that I was done with living afraid.  I was done living telling myself that I couldn't do something simply because I thought it was impossible.  I have spent so much time living within self imposed limitations.  Boot camp definitely fell within those limitations as a no go zone. 


This year, with much fear and trembling, I signed up despite how I was feeling.  I did my best to not think about what I had gotten myself into leading up to the event.  That is until I hit the pillow Friday night and that was all I could think about...  The alarm went off ridiculously early and off Way & I went - both severely lacking sleep and a bundle of nerves.  My goal at this point was to just survive.


The day was fantastic.  The people were amazing.  The seminars were packed with new things to work on.  Then the fitness test hit.  Let's face it, we all want to go in and totally smoke it out of the park.  There were some participants who totally rocked the test.  Seeing their success and determination were so inspiring.  I, on the other hand, struggled big time with nearly every single part of the test.  Honestly, by the time we hit the 2 km run at the end I was feeling extremely discouraged.


I started off that run feeling like I had less than nothing in the tank.  After 13.5 hours of kung fu, perhaps that is an understatement...  I was not able to run much of it.  I just did not have the energy to ensure that I was properly engaging all of my muscles in my legs to keep my weaker knee safe.  I had a choice to make.  I knew that I could never walk it in the acceptable time limit but I chose to not quit.


While I was out walking at the back of the pack I reflected on where I was and what I was doing.  I thought about the last year and it nearly brought me to tears.  The last year has been brutal.  First the ACL on my knee and then the car accident.  For 2 months this winter, I was supposed to lay flat on the couch with my eyes closed.  By February I was allowed to move but I had to keep my heart rate under 120 or all of my concussion symptoms hit full force.  Slowly I was able to push that up so that by April, I no longer had any restrictions.  It has been a long hard process trying to work myself back towards any semblance of shape.


Yesterday, when I thought about it, was a total win.  I tried everything that was thrown my way.  I did not quit.  I had my heart rate up as far as 158.  I spent 30 minutes in the peak zone.  I spent 4.5 hours in the cardio zone.  I spent nearly 12 hours in the fat burning zone.  I burned over 5000 calories according to my Fitbit.  I had no symptoms!!!!!  To think of where I was just a short time ago and what I managed to do was very emotional.  I am not where I want to be but I am working on that.


That said, from the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who has been with me through this past year.  It has been quite the ride.  Thank you to everyone who was there at the finish line last night cheering me on.  I more than survived!

Different Yet All The Same

Self Defense - the action of protecting yourself from something bad.


Last Tuesday I was blessed with the opportunity to watch a fantastic Intermediate Black Dragons class.  As the kids worked their butts off to learn the start of Da Mu Hsing, they were also challenged to each say why they personally were so awesome.  You could see the struggle in many of them to come up with something that they could own as their own awesomeness.  I think this struggle gets harder and harder as we get older and pile on more of our own mental junk.


This then lead into a discussion about self defense.  To be honest, I had to look for quite some time to find the definition of self defense given above.  For the longest time all of the answers had to do with defending against physical attacks.  The lesson for the kids and anyone listening is that there are many types of self defense.  Any time you defend yourself against anything bad it is really self defense.  This can be seen living a healthy lifestyle, eating right, filling our minds with good content, having strong self esteem to list just a few ways.  Many different choices but if the right choice is made, it is all the same - defense of yourself.  The class naturally lead into the conversation and kudos to Sifu Rybak for jumping on the cool opportunity.  I'm not sure how much of the message really sunk down deep into her captive audience but I do know a beautiful seed was planted and with time it will grow.

New Day, New Start

This year has been so completely different than last year so far.  Last year I spent most of the time fighting physical injuries.  The setbacks seemed constant and huge and honestly required my full attention.  Yet in all of that, they at the same time helped me stay focused on my goals and fighting each day to meet them.


At the meeting we talked about mountain top years and fresh starts.  Last year in many ways was so hard, yet awesome.  Physically, I sure took a beating yet when I look at the numbers I did accomplish in the face of that, I was cruising at a pretty high altitude.


This year, I feel like my gaze is constantly up.  The battles this year are more mental.  There are no physical reasons for me to not meet my requirements on a daily basis.  Honestly, most days that I don't it is because I chose not to do them or I was so wrapped up in life that I forgot that I was supposed to do them.  I look at my numbers journal and there is a pattern.  I nail it for a few days and then not so much...  Obviously, this is where my lack of habits shines through...


So for today, I am choosing a fresh start.  I am not on the mountain top but I am still in the game.  Each moment is full of opportunity, now to choose which opportunities to embrace.

Back with a Vengeance

We all have different injuries and issues that we must manage.  I find that the older I get, the more I'm required to carefully manage my physical health.  No more taking it for granted...  I need to be carefully checking in.  How do my hips feel?  How is my knee?  Does it feel unstable?  Have a stretched out the back of my legs lately?  Calves???  Have I done my core exercises?  What about my arms?  Then there is my mental maintenance for the post concussion symptoms I am still working through.


It has been brought to my attention that in the effort to pursue my mental maintenance, that I have neglected one very important body part.  With all of the physical issues that I have encountered over the years, honestly the hardest one for me is the carpal tunnel in my wrists.  Every other issue requires action.  I can do my exercises, stretch, roll around on my foam roller and try not to cry.  I apparently spent too much time weeding a little too much vigour.  The result is that my garden therapy has lead to sleepless nights and a host of other not so lovely results.


What does this mean for my training and goals?  Well, I am having to be very careful with my wrists.  After a chat with Sifu Vantuil, push ups are being done on my knuckles.  Yup, that is definitely slowing things down.  I have been swinging my sword around less but I am grateful that I am not needing to work on a staff form right now.  There are many of my goals that this does impact in a some way or another but I am doing what I can to take it a little more slowly and trying to not aggravate it further.  Hopefully next week the doctor can help me out with some good anti-inflammatories to get things back under control.  I have tried graston (which is torture) and had small successes in the past and may look into that again next week if things don't start to improve. 


Anyways, I am feeling a little done with the keyboard.  It's hard to type with sleepy hands...  So I am off to races slowly and carefully...

Perception - Who Has Time For All This?

Perception is a funny thing.  Fact can become irrelevant.  It is how you see the facts that seems to make the difference.


A perfect example of this is the I Ho Chuan program.  Not long ago I had the opportunity to chat with a former student of SRKF.  This individual had reached a fairly high rank but chose to move on to a different martial art.  I asked this person why the change.  The answer was that they did not have time to deal with the IHC commitments so why stay if they couldn't grade for black belt.


I found this an interesting viewpoint.  At one time I had viewed the IHC program as impossible.  I did not believe in myself that I was physically capable of doing what was required.  Now having been involved for the past 1.5 years, I realize that this argument is really just an excuse to avoid pushing myself.


Unfortunately, we were not in a place where I was able to get into a real conversation about my views of the IHC program.  This person seemed extremely surprised that I was involved.  I tried to convey how much I had benefited from being involved and that the time commitment had not been an issue in my life.  I'm not sure the message came across but I tried nonetheless...


How do you describe the time commitment of the IHC program?  If you have carefully examined your life and looked at the changes you want to make and set goals based on those insights...  If you are actively seeking to meet those goals...  Then yes, the IHC program is very time consuming.  Really it is a 24/7/365 commitment.  That is what it takes to live in pursuit of mastery.  It takes every single breathing moment you have on this earth.


To the argument that it is too time consuming?  I don't want to 1/2 live life.  I don't want to waste the precious time that I have here.  I want to be the best person that I can be.  I looked at what qualities were important to me.  I looked at my life and what I would like to see changed.  I set my goals based on this.  It is now my job to pursue those goals every waking moment.  Either I am moving in the direction towards the person I want to be or I am not.  It doesn't matter if you are involved in a program, this is a universal truth.  So yes, it is very time consuming but it is totally worth it!


This morning as I was texting back and forth with my kung fu accountability buddy, I looked at what I had accomplished.  From the time period from 7:30 until roughly noon, I had done virtually nothing but work towards my IHC goals - yet I had spent very little time doing actual physical kung fu.  I had watched an online webinar, done some reading, had a glass of water with a dear friend on my deck, slid in a few push ups and sit ups for good measure...  All of this related to my goals.  This morning was an incredibly successful morning when framed within the life I want to live.  This afternoon has been filled with work, blogging and caring for our home.  One way or another, it can almost all be related back to my goals.


Perception is everything.

Garden Therapy

So this blog is really late.  I have no good reason really.  I have been thinking about what to blog all week.  I have ideas come and go but when it's time to sit down and actually do the work...  So instead of sitting staring at a blinking curser, I head out to the garden.

I love this time of year.  I love how everything seems so fresh.  I love listening to the birds chirp and feeling the sunshine on my face.

This year I've really had a different mindset about my garden.  In the past I've often felt a great deal of resentment about the garden.  It was huge.  The weeds were always out of control.  More often than not, the yield was terrible.  Last year was the worst.  Nothing grew well and after my accident, the weeds totally took over.  This spring my sweet hubbie offered to just put the whole thing back to grass.

There is nothing like being given the option to quit to reaffirm your desires.  I had felt that I must garden in the past.  This year, I choose to garden.  This year is also different because I am gardening on my own terms.  The garden is 1/3 the size it has ever been with the same amount of seeds planted.  So much less room for the weeds to flourish!

Anyways, I guess my point is that I am loving being out there this year.  I have spent at least an hour a day (when it's not raining) with my finger coated in dirt.  I am loving my garden therapy!  That is until my boss summons and reminds me that I need to get my butt back in the house and onto the computer.  I hate it when I am so unreasonable....

Busy vs Hurried

Yes, there seems to be a common recurring theme going on in my blogs the past month.  I have been using this space to work through the inner chaos that I often feel.  I know that I am not alone in feeling this inner chaos.


Yesterday I finally finished the book that I've been working on slowly for the past few weeks.  There has been a great deal to chew on, that is when the author wasn't literally hitting me up the side of the head with things that I needed to see.  The focus of the book was on taking care of your soul, that deepest part and often severely neglected part of each of us.


My soul has been filled with a lot of inner chaos.  There are many things that contribute to this but the one that seems to be the most prevalent and needs to be fixed first is the pace that I am living life at.  Since I started working with the neuropsychologist for my concussion, one of the goals was to look closely at what I have on my plate and to aggressively fight my overcommitted existence.  This has been HARD.  The things that I like and love to do are the things that would be easiest to eliminate - like volunteer work.  The things I like the least seem to be here to stay - like housework.  I have had to close doors to things that were hard to walk away from in order to heal.  Even with this cutting back, I am still finding my life very busy and full.


So is busyness the issue...  Perhaps...  There are times where I dream of what it would be like to not be busy.  The author of the book I've been reading made a point about busyness that I just could not overlook.  John Ortberg wrote,

Being busy is an outward condition, a condition of the body.  It occurs when we have too many thing to do.  Busyness is inevitable in modern culture.  If you are alive today in North America, you are a busy person.  There are limits to how much busyness we can tolerate, so we wisely find ways to slow down whenever we can.

Then he went on to talk about being hurried.  Being hurried is an inner condition of the soul where we are too preoccupied to be fully present.  It can get to the point where we are unable to occupy the present moment at all because of the preoccupation.  This is very spiritually draining. 


Hurry is the issue, not necessarily busyness.  He did warn that busyness can migrate into hurry very easily if we are not careful.


So I guess where I am at with all of this right now is that I am choosing to accept that I will be busy.  The ideal in my mind of not being busy is not realistic.  Living a life that is pursuing mastery does not leave room to not be busy.  The first issue that I need to work on is hurry.  I have been focusing on this for the past few weeks.  Some days I feel like I have made some progress.  I am finding my own panicked self talk to be my biggest enemy - that inner voice that keeps reminding me relentlessly of just how much I should be doing.  I am working on challenging that word should but that just may be a topic for another day.


Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Be present.

Turning The Page...

I like fresh starts.  I like new beginnings.  I like clean slates.  I like to turn the page to a new month.  It is all clean with nothing written on it.  The possibilities seem endless.


Then I get out my pens.  Every person in the house has their own colour.  I go through and carefully mark down all of the appointments and commitments that I have been collecting in my phone.  Yes, I know I have a calendar in my phone but seeing it on the monthly calendar gives me a better visual about what is really going on.  Suddenly my nice clean, clear calendar looks a whole lot more full and busy.


Today I am not feeling the freshness of a new start.  I am feeling the chaos of life instead. 


First of all - HOW DID IT GET TO BE JUNE!!!!!  Really, where did the last five months go?  I remember being a kid and it seemed like eternity from Christmas to school getting out.  Now as an adult, I blinked and here it is.


Secondly, June is always filled with a lot of activity.  There are the appointments that you can squeeze in before the summer so that they don't interfere with summer fun.  There are extras as activities wrap up and school ends.  There are fun things to do every weekend. 


Thirdly, there is work.  I try to get as much done as possible before the kids get done school.  Most years I have been able to take July off almost completely.  That is not looking possible this year.  That is ok.  I have taken on some additional commitments but there is still far too much to be done.


Finally, at least for this blog post, is where I am at with my goals.  I have been plodding along on many of them.  My numbers have reached a place where they are not fabulous but they are ok.  I'm keeping a forward momentum but I am not gaining any real ground.  At the last meeting we were encouraged to look at our goals.  Now I do this often.  I have them printed out at the front of my IHC binder that I use to journal and track everything.  It is one thing to take a peak and remind yourself that they exist.  This week I looked at them.  I mean really looked at them.  I ask myself honestly where I was at.  In many cases, I did not like the answers.


Where does that leave me?  I have a colourful, full calendar and many things that are not even written on it but need doing.  I have been trying hard to focus on being present and not rushing around like a crazy chicken with my head chopped off.  These two situations seem to really be at odds with one another.  I think the much discussed questions of "Where am I and what am I doing?" will need to become a habit this month.  So with a deep breath, I am off to the races but not in a rush...

What's The Rush????

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.

-Dallas Willard

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

-Mahatma Gandhi

At the start of our year working towards mastery, we made a list of goals.  These goals are commitments that we thought through carefully.  They were actions that we personally believed would lead us closer to mastery as we travelled through our year.


So what does this lovely list of goals have to do with hurry.  I'm guessing that each one of us started this year off with a very full and busy life.  Then we add in this new list.  My list of things that I wanted to do, needed to do just keeps growing.  So what is our first human response.  We try to do more, faster, more efficiently...  It's always more, more, more...  Not only are we rushing around like crazy chickens with our heads cut off, we are dragging everyone else along with us.  Faster, more, chaos....


So here I am knee deep in my quest to get it all done.  One of my favourite things to do is read.  It is my go to place when I have a moment of quiet.  Even here though, I have lists of books to read.  I always have several books on the go.  This past week I read each of these quotes.  Ironically, they were in two separate books.  The fact that this message came up twice within the span of 24 hours was not lost on me.  The fact that both of these quotes hit me to my core was not lost on me.  The fact that I need these reminders in front of my face CONSTANTLY was not lost on me.


The past few days I have tried to slow down.  I have tried to take moments to notice life, to feed my spirit.  I have tried to be more present instead of rushing to do five more things in 30 seconds before I run out the door.  By slowing down, I have noticed opportunities that likely would have gone unnoticed in my past frenzy.  Simple things like a walk with my son, slowly and gently brushing my daughter's hair, a game of UNO with the family before bed, more hugs, more kisses...


I have tried to keep these thoughts in front of me as I have travelled through this week.  The internal struggle has been very real.  The fact that I am writing this blog post on Friday instead of Tuesday has been part of this internal conversation.  Life has been busy.  I have been on the run.  I have had opportunities where I could have thrown together a quick blog.  I have had multiple opportunities where I could have worked on this post in bits and pieces.  BUT...  I chose to slow down and not fill every second to overflowing.  I needed time to try to piece together this post in a way that is meaningful to me, to process the thoughts.  I wanted this opportunity to feed my spirit and not just be an item checked off my list.  Blog done.  Check.


This week has been all about trying to slow down.  I have challenged myself to look at the true meaning behind what I am doing and being present while I do things instead of fifty steps ahead.  I am finding this very hard.  My mind is a busy, messy place.  For today, I am trying to slow down, to embrace my messy mind and look out at the world around me and soak it in.

Doing or Being - Choosing To Be...

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.  When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.

-Thich  Nhat Hanh

Life is busy.  Life is hectic.  We all have our plans and our goals and things that need to be done.  We write out to do lists.  We track our accomplishments.  We are always so busy doing.  Is that really what is most important though...  Are we human doings or are we human beings. (I can't take credit for that sentence.  I have heard it used somewhere, just no idea where right now.)


This past week has provided me with many opportunities to choose between being and doing.  This week I attempted to be mindful to embrace people instead of accomplishments. 


Thursday night I was so tired after class but was provided with the opportunity to have a cup of tea and a chat with one of my favourite peeps.


Friday night was date night with my precious girl.  We shopped, ate supper and then were blessed to watch some of the best figure skaters this world has to offer (and most of them are homegrown).  It was so much fun to share one of my greatest passions growing up with my little lady.  Definitely a night to remember.


Saturday was filled with family.  My parents and cutie patootie nephew came from Calgary to enjoy Pandamonium with us for the second year in a row.  Add to that the chance to spend time in the sunshine living and laughing with my kung fu family...  Awesome day.


Sunday I was tired, done, wanted to stay home and hide....  Two sets of eyes greeted me that morning, one blue and one brown.  Instead off to church we went and stayed for potluck afterwards.  So blessed to have such a wonderful church family.


In each of these cases I had to chose to mindfully give myself to others.  Sometimes it was easy.  Other times there was definitely an internal struggle.  Saturday was the most challenging struggle.  I had looked forward all week to getting some serious numbers in.  Sifu Beckett was alone on the mats.  I really needed help with my Tai He.  Then I looked out the window and saw my parents standing alone in the parking lot.  Numbers or people...  Doing or being...


Every time I chose to nurture a relationship it turned out to be a precious gift to myself.  My hope was that it was a precious gift to those that I was with as well.

Growing in Empathy

Empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

One of the qualities that I really appreciate about SRKF is the focus on empathy.  I have had many people look at me sideways (especially family) when I try to explain that we are involved with kung fu.  They just can't seem to reconcile how I would send my sweet babies somewhere where they teach fighting.  They seem unable to reconcile that I would attend a place that promotes punching and kicking.  I try to explain that it is not like that but many times it falls on ears that are ready to hear.


I personally believe that empathy is one of the greatest qualities a person can have.  It is a quality that I have spent my life trying to grasp.  I remember when we were at my bridal shower many moons ago they played a game.  They had privately interviewed Chad.  Then I, along with the other guests had to try to guess what his answers were.  His answers surprised me which is why I still remember then.  He said one of his favourite qualities about me was my heart for others.  One of his greatest fears was that I would give away absolutely everything one day to someone in need.


My heart bleeds for others.  Yet, I still have so much to learn.  I can hear a story and impacts me greatly - my heart will rejoice or break depending on the story.  I carry the story with me.  Then I get stuck...


This relates back to my post last week about feeling small.  I have so much in my heart yet I still need to grow in true empathy.  I need to reach past my pure emotion and do the hard work of seeking to truly understand so that I can make a real difference.  Right now there is so much hurt in my immediate surroundings.  There are people who are displaced because of the fires.  A close family member received a terminal cancer diagnosis.  An acquaintance received a medical diagnosis that seems pretty hopeless.  That is just this week's hurts.  My heart feels like it can't take much more and honestly it wants to shut the world off to hide.  I have to opportunity to make a real difference in someone's life but I must not hide or shutdown.


This is what Pandamonium is really all about.  We are to seek out and learn what our charities really do and who they really help.  We are to seek understanding and then take that final step to truly helping.  It seeks to teach us not only empathy but what to do with that empathy.  That is a lesson that I am still working to learn.


As for Chad's fear of me giving everything away - it has not happened YET...

Feeling Small...

Yesterday was my blog day.  I struggled all day with writing a blog.  It turned out to much more of a lament than anything.  I didn't end up publishing it because I couldn't seem to find the words to convey my heart.  It started out like this...


Some days I question my ability to have a true impact on the world.  The world is so big.  There are so many issues.  I am just one person.  For every small act that I attempt, there are millions more that need doing in this world.  If you really think about the hugeness of the issues and our world and the smallness of who we are, it can be very overwhelming.


Pandamonium is upon us!  The chatter at the kwoon about the charities has really picked up over the past week or so.  Great charities doing great work all over the world.  The conversations and the growth opportunities are fantastic to watch and be a part of.


In my own life, I try to give - especially my time whenever I can.  I try to raise my kids to see the needs in the world and try to figure out how or what they can do to make a difference.  Really my kids are awesome!  They volunteer and serve others.  They forgo gifts so that others may receive.  They can't remember a birthday party where the gift giving focus has been on themselves.  Their hearts bleed for others.  They inspire me.


Then we start to take our passions outside the kwoon, and that's when the going gets tough.  We knock on doors and we get that "you again" look.  We try to chat up family about the charities and they just want to know who to write the cheque to.  The apathy in the world is staggering.




The apathy makes my passion seem small yet we have to keep doing what we can for those who cannot do for themselves.  Honestly, I find this time of year very discouraging.  The people in our kung fu family are so amazing and filled with empathy that it really highlights the difference from many out in the rest of the world.


I do feel small.  I wonder how much impact I can have on the world. 


That was the majority of my lament.  I just couldn't figure out how to finish it off.  Then the events in Fort Mac hit last night.  I watched the footage with my husband of the fires out of control right in town.  Fires that were cutting off the only road in and out of a remote community.  A community under full evacuation orders but in many cases no way to head south.  Many had to head north cut off from everyone by one highway.  Chad has spent a great deal of time working up there.  We have friends who continue to work up there.  This situation is very personal.


Today I sit here with a different perspective, funny what a difference a day makes.  I am waiting for our first evacuated house guest to arrive.  I watch the response of the people in Alberta to this situation.  Everyone is scrambling to find something, anything that they can do.  People do NOT lack empathy - they just need a spark to light under them.


I do still feel small.  Today though I realize that we are all small but if enough of us small people care enough about something, then huge things can happen.  That makes me think of the Lorax, so I will leave you with a famous Dr. Suess quote:

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not.

My Magic Rose Garden

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.   - Dale Carnegie

I read this quote the other day and it really hit home.  Not sure if it is how he meant it but nonetheless, here is my take...


I have been struggling with a serious case of unrealistic expectations.  I have a magical rose garden.  In many cases I have what it takes to have parts of this magical rose garden.  I just can't have the whole rose garden all the time.  My list has me mastering my life.  My kung fu requirements are nailed down.  My home and yard looks like it belongs in a magazine.  My business is thriving and my clients are happy.  I have time to sit and read, create or volunteer like crazy all over the community all while loving on my family and friends.  I want it all!  I want a perfect life!


The past six months I have had to work hard at letting things go and lowering my expectations, particularly of myself.  There was a time period during my healing that I wasn't supposed to do anything but sleep.  I had to let the mess go.  I had to walk away from commitments.  I had to accept that my best was what it was.  It was so hard.  I thought I had done it.


Yes, I thought I had...  Until I took a hard look this week.  I had not accepted my best.  I had trusted that I could put it all off and then once I was better I could wave my magic wand and just like that my magical rose garden would appear.  Well, I can't find my magic wand anywhere!  Can you say insta-garden!  Maybe the dust bunnies ate it...  I really don't know.


Anyways, for this week I have been working the lesson of smelling the roses today, the real roses not the imagined ones.  Each day, I put forward the best that I have that day.  I need to accept that.  If it was not my best, I need to accept that as well.  Why?  Once a day is lived, it is done.  I can't change it.  All I can do is learn from it.  If the effort was not my best, then I need to move forward and do my best now.  When I truly search my heart, I know that my magical rose garden does not truly exist.  The cost to achieve it all, all at the same time just is not one that is realistic.  Honestly, if I did start to achieve it, I would just add to it anyway...  True mastery is not going to be found in my magical rose garden.  It is in the journey, in today, in this moment and in smelling today's roses instead of chasing roses that will likely never get a chance to bloom.  That journey is all for nothing if it causes me to be so unkind to myself that I miss the real blessings right in front of me today.