It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

With fevers a blazin'

And coughs are abounding,

We are lacking cheer....

It's the most wonderful time of the year.

Yes, flu season has hit our home with full force this year.  I appear to be patient zero in our current mess and lucky for me, I seem to be over the worst of it.  Little Miss has been down for over a week hard.  All she does is cough and sleep.  Hubby is putting up a good fight and his Fisherman's Friends seem to be a constant companion.  The only one who seems to be keeping it at bay is the teen who honestly does the least to prevent illness.  He has had a couple days here and there where he has felt under the weather but seems to rally.

What is a girl to do in the middle of all this!  It is hard to see my family suffering.  My patience is growing thin with this not so delightful virus.  It is really a recipe to be quite cranky myself. 

Instead, I seek out the good I can find.  I choose gratitude.

The top of the list is the reminder that although my family is sick, they will recover in a short time.  I'm sure many of you have heard the story about little Hudson Pedlar from Spruce Grove.  I had the pleasure of volunteering on a playschool board many years ago with his momma when she was pregnant with this sweet boy.  What started out as the flu in their house has turned into every parent's worst nightmare.  Hudson has been in the hospital since mid October.  He is winning his battle but his life will be forever changed.  My heart breaks over their pain and struggle that they have already endured and the uncertainty that still looms in the future for them. 

I am blessed.  My family, although they are suffering, will hopefully be done with this bug soon.  It has slowed down much of the past couple weeks at a particularly crazy time of year.  That is a blessing.  I am getting lots of cuddle time in during the day while I read to my Little Miss.  I will continue to choose to look for the little things to be grateful for.

Yes and No....

So it has been awhile since I have blogged.  Is there a really good reason?  Nope.  I have had a blog topic floating up around in my head for a few weeks so really no excuses exist.  It was a poke from a fellow team member (thanks Mr. Dyble) that shoved me into my chair at the computer....

It is that point in the year where we spend time evaluating how things are going.  Really, we should be doing this all the time but December always seems to naturally bring it out.  Add to that the need to sit down and put down goals for the next year and it is the perfect recipe for some self evaluation. 

In many ways I have not had a great year.  My numbers overall are horrible.  My consistency has been non-existent.  I did reach the goal of receiving my second degree brown belt (earlier than anticipated) but as far as actual countable, visible kung fu I feel like my year fell off right after that.

Why?  It simply has to do with simple math and a couple simple words.  Each and every one of us has a limited number of minutes in each day.  It is our job to choose how we spend them.  We have the opportunity to say yes and no in each moment as to how we spend them.  Some moments feel like they are decided for us but ultimately, we are basically in control of at least our perspective and our attitude.

I said a big yes back in June.  It has been a life changing yes.  This yes was a good decision.  This yes has impacted nearly every moment since I said it.  Yet, with the simple math of time each yes has some corresponding no's.  Yes, I chose to homeschool my daughter.  I do not feel like I said no to any of my goals that I laid out before making this decision.  Yet, the simple math has lead to many no's in my days.   My time is far more limited than I anticipated.  I have yet to establish new routines that will make adding some of the other things back in sustainable.  I did not blatantly say no to anything yet by not saying yes and acting on it right away, it became a no.

The challenge that I am finding laid out before me is how to better balance it all.  I have not taken anything off my plate that existed before my big yes.  I was a busy person before without a lot of extra space in my days.  I have worked at learning to say no to new things which is really hard for me.  I will likely need to continue to look for some deliberate no's to say so that there are less inadvertent no's in my life.  Really it boils down to being mindful of the consequences of my choices in each moment.  Each yes I say in each moment, means I am saying no to something else.  It is these no's that I need to keep an eye on.  I have the power to choose.

Trying a New Mindset

This past weekend, I had a few glorious minutes alone in the car.  Time alone seems to be a precious commodity now.  I used to take all of those quiet moments in my day for granted, now they are treasured.

During my treasured minutes, I listened to a podcast that talked about focusing your mindset on today being the Best Day Ever.  The idea was that this mindset is not reserved for special days.  It's not hard to see certain days as our best day ever.  Days like birthdays, Christmas, graduation, wedding days, the birth of your children...  Those days are easier to put that focus on.  They were talking about applying this focus to each and every day of our lives.  To put on this mindset first thing in the morning and live it out all day no matter how ordinary your day looks.

I've been trying to do this for the past few days.  I have to say, it is honestly going to take a lot of work for me to maintain this mindset.

I wake up with my mind running a million miles an hour about all that I have to do today.  Stop!  This is the Best Day Ever!  I have breath in my lungs.  I can see across the room.  Today, I woke up a minute before my alarm so when the radio didn't seem to be working, I did still hear the click so we all did not sleep in and start Monday off on the wrong foot.  I had the opportunity to wake up each of my favourite people one at a time.  Even with in all of this, I still had to remind myself of where to keep my mind.

I was blessed to be able to start my week off with a kung fu class.  I had a headache and felt sluggish but let's remember - today is the Best Day Ever.  Class was exactly what I needed to get my morning and my week moving.

Tonight I am blessed to have the opportunity to take both of my kids down to the Mustard Seed to serve supper to their clients.  I am blessed that I get to stand on one side of the table being the one serving and that I am not in a situation where I need to stand on the other side receiving.  I am blessed that my kids jump at the chance to participate in helping others.  I am blessed to be part of a community that allows us these opportunities.

Today overall is a very normal, routine day.  I will spend much of it helping with grade 7 math, changing the sheets on our beds and cleaning the bathrooms.  If I choose the right mindset, I can choose to see the blessing in each moment.  If I don't make a conscious choice, I will likely miss out on seeing the blessings and get sucked into a much different mindset.

Maintaining this mindset requires nearly constant adjustments and reminders.  Right now I am not great at it but I plan to continue practicing it.  The payoff of this thinking for even short periods is powerful!

Anyone else having the Best Day Ever!

Twitch, Twitch, Ugh...

I've been struggling on what to blog about this week.  I feel like in many ways I am living on a hamster wheel and in the movie Groundhog Day.  Things are good...  Things are a struggle...  Things are really all over the place...  I don't want this blog to become a place where I am whining.  I want it to be a place where I document my journey but give myself a pep talk at the same time.  This week has been a struggle in the pity party, whine festival department.

This fall I have added a significant new activity to my life.  It has been good.  The issue is my life was very full (perhaps over full) when I started this new adventure.  I have yet to truly take anything off my plate.  I just keep living in the lie that I can keep heaping it up and somehow it'll all be fine.  I know I've blogged about dropping balls and flying plates and all sorts of things along these lines.  This story is nothing new in my life.  I just keep on plowing forward and hope for the best.

The past couple weeks I have noticed my anxiety rising.  I can cover it up pretty good most of the time, especially in public but it is always there lurking below the surface.  I keep trying to ignore it.  I had some eczema that I was not able to clear up but I put off going to the doctor for a couple weeks.  I finally gave myself the pep talk that I would have given any friend.  I went to the doctor and I believe that is back under control (mostly).  So I keep ignoring the underlying issue.  Last Thursday my mind was spinning so fast that I could not even remember my forms.  Sleep has been a challenge.  Since my car accident, my sleep patterns have significantly changed but lately I've been finding it even harder than normal to get my zzz's.  My weight is creeping up and now today my eye has been twitching like crazy.  More signs that the anxiety lurking under the surface needs to be addressed.

I'm not entirely sure how to resolve this but for now I will start by focusing on some serious self care.  More sleep, more movement, more quiet moments to just breath.

My #1 Focus

Mastery is a process of focusing on something with the heart of constant improvement.  It is impossible to live in a true state of mastery if your focus is too broad.  Simply put - You can't master everything in your life all at the same time.

What!?!  I know!  Earth shattering!  I am that person who secretly believes that I can do it all, all the time.  Then I fall on my face because nothing actually gets the focus it needs.  I have worked hard this year to not listen to my internal lie that I can indeed have and do it all right now.  I have instead really narrowed down my focus.  

When I started off my year of mastery, I had this wonderful list of goals.  If you know me, you know that I see the list as wonderful.   Not necessarily all of the contents of the list, but the list itself.  There are very tangible things on that list.  Do your push ups.  Write your blog.  Read some books.  Keep a journal.  These items are neat things on the list with check boxes that either happen or don't happen, very black and white.  

There is this one requirement that sits mixed in there that is not so black and white.  Mend a relationship....  This is not a one and done activity.  This is not easy to define.  This one is rarely a topic of conversation when we discuss how our goals are going.  This year, this was my primary goal.  If I accomplished nothing else this year, this was the requirement that I was wanting to put first and foremost in my life.  It wasn't just one relationship that I wanted to focus on but three.  I know the goal is one but the three relationships that I chose to work on are so inter-related, I couldn't pick just one.

My focus was on my family.  I like to think that my relationships with the people in my home have always been pretty good but there is always room for improvement.  I am at a stage in life where this focus is so important.  Raising a teen and tween has a different dynamic than raising younger children.  They do not just do what they are told because you told them.  Man, that would make it so much easier!!!!  You need to have a relationship with them.  You need to be a role model.  You need to be someone that they feel they can trust.  As I look forward into the years ahead, there will be a time when my home may have less people living in it.  My relationship with my hubby is one that I want to be thriving.  I want my home to be a place where love and acceptance runs rampant.

Having this goal as my main focus has been time consuming.  There are days where it takes every ounce of thought and energy that I have.  There are days where I go to bed feeling like I've been run over by a truck.  There are other days where I go to bed with a huge smile.  I am seeing the fruit of this focus.  I am seeing a teen who has transitioned to a new school and seems to be happier than he has been in a long time.  I have pulled my tween home to pour into her life.  The improvements to her mental health in the last few months honestly brings me to tears.  My relationship with my spouse is the best it has been since we started our family.  We have not arrived.  I do not believe that the work on these relationships is done (nor will it ever be).

That said, most of my requirements this year are not going well.  My list does not have nearly the number of check marks that this list maker would love to see.  That does not mean that I am giving up on the rest of the check boxes.  I will do what I can each day to pick up where I left off and move forward.  There are many great challenges put out there by other team members to help me with motivation and accountability.  I will do my best to not beat myself up over the lack of check marks and remember that success is not always so easily defined.  But if I accomplish nothing further this year, my focus on my family will have made this year of mastery one of great success.  Without these foundational relationships thriving, nothing else really matters anyway.  

Seeking Windows

At the end of August, I had blogged about how the summer had passed me by.  I had not taken the time to be present.  I had lived in either the past or the future much of the time.  All this lead to was a mix of guilt and anxiety.  Not a very healthy mix I must say....  I challenged myself to live more in the present.

For the past seven years, I have been primarily home alone during the school day.  I have been able to choose how I spend my minutes, often changing my mind at a seconds notice.  Having a schedule was not important, often just having a general feel for what I would like to get done that day for work and around the house.  The flexibility could be a blessing and a curse.  On days when life happened, it was easy to make the transition since there wasn't really a plan.  When I make a plan, I tend to want to be quite type A and rigid with it.  Perhaps this lack of planning came about as a self defense mechanism with little people around and plans being destroyed left, right and centre.  The days it was a curse were the ones where nothing really seemed to get done simply because there was no real plan.  Procrastination and the thoughts of "later" would often reign on these days.  There were other days that despite the lack of real structure, life would get nailed and I would go to be all smiles.  Really, there just was no consistency.

I spent a great deal of time looking into how to better structure my days with the changes we have made by adding homeschooling to the mix.  One of the principles that seemed to be most taught is that a plan was necessary but  it can't be rigid.  Schedules are rigid in the school system because they have to be.  That is the only way to manage a crowd and still get the learning done but it does not take into account individual needs or situations.  That is the beauty of having one student - that need to have a rigid schedule does not exist.  Yet, I do need to have a plan otherwise we may not get through all we need to.

I am finding it a struggle to make the mind shift from flying by the seat of my pants to having a plan, but not a plan that we are going to die making sure it happens perfectly....  So far I am loving this new role.  It is so much more time consuming than I had anticipated though.  The beauty is that is forcing me to be very present with daughter.  No point looking backwards.  There is much to get done.  Can't look too far forward or I will have us both feeling anxious and overwhelmed.  In the present moment is where we are trying to live.

As I am working to figure out how to structure our school days, I am struggling to figure out how my other life roles fit into the mix still.  I have not found many blocks of time that are uninterrupted making work a challenge.  I am finding that I am trying to fit more of that in at night after we are done schooling.  My home is definitely looking more lived in than I would like but I am slowly finding ways to get little bits done and we are working to put things away as we go through our day.

The one area that seems to be struggling the most is kung fu.  It is funny because I don't need huge pockets of time in a row to practice kung fu.  It literally takes a minute to drop and do a set of push ups or sit ups or a form rep.  When I sit and think about that, it should be simple to get this part of my life done.  Yet, I struggle.  Part of the issue at this point is recognizing the windows of time that I have where I can fit in a little something.  They exist all the time.  First step is to recognize them and then drop down and take care of business.  Today I have not done well finding windows for my physical requirements but I have managed to find enough small windows to write this blog.  

This week I have done more at home than I have for the last few months.  I am starting to move in the right direction again.  I will continue to focus on making a plan and being present as much as possible while recognizing the windows that I have open and then jump on through them.

Back to School...

This is it!  This is the week where there seems to be feelings flying randomly for all.  Kids are nervous, excited, dreading the grind.  Parents are also having feelings.  Some are super excited to see routine return and a change up from summer.  Some are mourning the relaxed moments of summer.  Some can't believe that their babies are heading to kindergarten or high school.  Nerves and feeling are running amok!

At our house the feelings have run the full range.  One off to high school...  I still remember how I felt the day I sent him to kindergarten.  He seems to be relatively unaffected by the changes in his life, at least not that he'd talk about it with me anyway.  He is a very cool teenage boy and I am his mom.

The other one started grade 7 at our kitchen table this week.  This has definitely created many feelings in our house over the past couple months.  There have been a few moments where she has mourned that lack of first day excitement and seeing all the kids again.  Yet, she jumped right into learning and is so excited. 

This is usually the week that I take a deep breath and recover from summer.  I clean the house.  I clean up the yard.  I start getting caught up on the work that piled up over the summer.  Not this year though.  I have jumped into my new role with both feet.  I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing and at moments that I have no right to take on this huge responsibility.  So far this week it has been a wonderful experience of learning and laughing with my girl.  Yes, laughing....  And it is seriously the best part of it all.  We have not had much laughter when it comes to school and handling life so it is so beautiful!

I have no idea how I am going to balance all of my responsibilities.  Right now I am trying to take advantage of the little moments.  I am working to stay present.  I make a lot of lists.  I will do what I can each and every day.  And I will continue to laugh!

The Last Week of August - Really?!?

There have been a few blogs that asked the question...

Where did summer go?????

I have no idea.  I feel like I blinked at some point in June and here we are today.  The days have virtually evaporated into thin air.  How? 

I have been reflecting on this the past few days while we have been away camping.  How did I miss summer this year?  The answer is simple.  I was not present.

Back in June we made the decision to bring our daughter home this next year for grade seven.  In a breath I went from being a mom to also being a grade seven teacher in the fall.  This is a task that I definitely did not feel equipped for.  So what does one do?  Well, they do what they can to get equipped.  I signed out and requested every book the library had on homeschooling.  I read website after website.  I listened to podcasts.  I immersed myself in learning.

The result is a mixed bag.  I definitely feel more equipped than I did in June.  I feel about as prepared as I can be at this stage of the game as an outsider still looking in.  I still feel more than a little overwhelmed by the responsibility that I have bitten off.  The biggest downside by far though is how it has impacted the past two months.  I may be ready(ish) for September but I missed July and August.  What?!?

I have one week of summer left.  It is time to get present - now!  I don't want to miss anymore time.  Then next week it will be time to get started.  In the words of my girl - "Buckle up Mom!  Things are getting real!"

Tornado Brain

Tornado - a violent rotating column of air

So... Substitute air for thoughts and that is where my brain seems to have been for much of the summer. 

I am struggling.  My brain is full and busy and spinning and overwhelmed.  Thoughts pop in and out at an astounding speed.  The popping in is a bit of an issue.  The popping out is seeming to be a huge issue.  I seem to be unable to hold onto my thoughts long enough to remember what I was doing, what I was going to do and what I need to do.  I am finding that I am writing myself little notes all over the place just trying to capture it all.

The result is that my life feels like it is in turmoil.  I feel like things are falling through the cracks.  I know that many of my requirements are falling through the cracks.  It is not that I don't want to do my requirements.  I am finding that I am getting to the end of the day and it just has not happened.  I'm not sure where the day has gone.  I spend my days busy.  I am doing things that need doing.  I can see progress in many areas of life yet  I just feel like I can't get any real traction.

The one requirement that I know will be the most helpful in this situation is also the one requirement that I am finding the absolute hardest to do right now.  Yup, journalling...  I have been relatively faithfully writing in a journal daily since I started the IHC.  It is a place to sort out  my thoughts and process life.  Lately I look at my book and I struggle to even open it.  When I do get it open, I just stare at it.  I am finding it hard to quiet my brain long enough to form a coherent thought to then get it written on the page. 

I have also struggled to blog.  It's not that I don't have things to blog about.  I have thoughts all the time about what I should sit down and blog about.  It's just that when I sit down to do the actually work, my brain spins.  It feels like that little spinning icon that you see when the internet is looking for a webpage that just is not responding.  It spins and spins.  Then the message that it is unable to find the content it was looking for.

Opportunity Embraced - Sanshou

I had not planned to take the sanshou seminar.  Honestly, I had many emotions linked to this seminar and the desire to participate was definitely not in the mix.  My gut instinct was to find absolutely anything else to do during that one hour time period on Saturday. 

But...  I am not the only kung fu student in my home.  I was not the only person being offered this opportunity.  Waylon was super excited about the chance to take this seminar and begged me to register him.  Finally I relented and registered both of us.  I could not come up with a real reason to not join him on the mats that didn't sound like an excuse.

The first day rolled around and my anxiety was really high.  I considered watching from the sidelines.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I find sparring one the more mentally challenging parts of kung fu.  I really don't like to take the hits.  The idea of takedowns and potentially rattling my brain was not appealing.  Then add to that, I find it really hard to hit other people. 

I had zero desire to step out of the changeroom that morning.  I kept reminding myself that it is my job to embrace the opportunities that are given to me.  With a deep breath, I stepped out on the mats....  And I survived!  Not only did I survive, I had a great class.  I was partnered with Sifu Beckett.  We had lots of laughs, worked hard and came out feeling a little more confident.

Unfortunately, my mind played similar games with me each and every week.  Each and every week, I took the step of faith out of the changeroom onto the mats.  Every week I was happy with the decision that I made.

Then the week came where it was time to do matches...  We had been warned that there would be matches.  These warnings do a number on my mental game.  I looked for every excuse in the book to not get on the mats.  Couldn't find a good one...  Then I decided that I would step on the mats but I gave myself permission to not do a match.  It is one thing to do takedowns in a controlled environment, but the idea of not knowing it is coming seemed more than my mental state could wrap my brain around.  In the end, I did two separate rounds with Ms. Burke.  I survived!  I was happy once again that I stepped out.

I am grateful for many things through this process.  I am grateful for opportunities to stretch myself.  I am grateful that I train in an environment where I have the choice to sit on the side if my mental state does not allow me to step in without judgement.  I am grateful for the ability to train to the level that I am at and not be pushed too far before I am ready.  I am grateful that the people around me seem to believe in me a whole lot more than I do.  I am grateful for laughs on the mats, shared sweat and the friendships I have at the kwoon.  I am grateful that I did not listen to the excuses and I took the risk of stepping out.  I am grateful I did not let this opportunity pass me by.

Universal Truth - Rotation

Last week I attended three classes where the focus for at least a portion of the class was on the universal truths of martial arts - not just kung fu.  These are the bare basics of what we are learning and are true no matter what martial art you are attempting to learn or master.

Having reached the level of kung fu that I have, I would love to believe that I have at least some handle on these truths.  What I learned last week is that instead of having a handle on these universal truths, I have much more work to do.  Perhaps what I have learned with time is the ability to notice when guided to look in the right place.

Years ago, Sifu Playter spent a great deal of time working with the morning class on the timing of the rotation of our hands during techniques.  He clearly modeled and taught that both the hand delivering the technique and the one that is returning to the hip MUST have a rotation.  This is the secret to power.  I had thought that I had applied this lesson - until last week.

Last week, we were focusing on this in our forms.  Once I really slowed down and was extremely mindful about the rotation I realized that in my forms it is hit and miss!  More times than not it is in the hand that is delivering the technique.  The hand returning to my hip is an entirely different story, not with every move but more often than I had ever noticed.  I had been busy being mindful of the one hand and had forgotten to remain mindful of the other.  So much work to do!!!!

I have been practicing my form in much slower motion, trying to be mindful of this.  I'm not entirely sure I'm making much headway on this yet but it is in the forefront as I practice.

Progressing Forward

At the meeting on Saturday, we were encouraged to look at our goals that we had set out for the year and ask ourselves some very basic questions.  Why did I set these particular goals?  Are they still relevant?

My goals were very carefully selected. 

The first priority was relationships.  My relationship with God, with Chad and with my kids were the top of the list.  The final goal in this area is to take care of the my relationships with others.  I have a natural tendency towards introversion.  I would prefer a cup of tea and a book to a night out.  I know that without a push, I'll let people who matter to me drift away.

The next area of goals related to my environment.  My home is in serious need of a massive declutter and deep clean.  The previous owner of our home were relatives.  It makes for a different dynamic in many ways.  It has been challenging to make this house feel like it is truly mine and as a result, we have been just living here almost like it is temporary.  We have been here over seven years.  There is no plan for us to leave our home for at least another seven.  I need to get truly moved in and make this our home.

The final area of my goals all relate to preparing to grade for black belt in 2019.  I was provided with the opportunity to grade this year but I feel it is best for my journey to wait until next year.

This year has been filled with challenges to date.  These challenges have slowed my progress on many of my goals due to time constraints.  The reality is though - all of my goals are still very relevant and important.  Life is going to be full of changes over the next few months.  The changes that are coming make these goals honestly all the more relevant especially in the area of relationships and my home environment.  Although I have made the decision to not grade this year, I need to start preparing now.

Where does this leave me?  In many ways it is easy to beat myself up over what I have not managed to accomplish.  I am behind where I planned to be.  Yet, what good will it do to beat myself up.  I need to continue on the path that I have been travelling with the goals that are on track.  I need to just start making more baby steps on the other goals.  The focus is on progressing forward.

Relentless

Relentless - persistent, never-ending, incessant, endless, unrelenting

We were challenged on Thursday night to take a good look at where we are at in our journey this year.  In some areas this year has been a screaming, cheering success.  In other areas, not so much.  In my world, there seems to be little middle ground.

As I have been thinking on this, the word relentless seems to be the one that keeps coming to mind.  We need to be relentless in our pursuit of mastery.  Why?  Mediocrity is in relentless pursuit of each and every one of us.  Society has embraced mediocrity in many ways and in many situations.  It is the path of least resistance at the moment.  The problem is that even with it being the path of least resistance, it is not the path that leads to the best outcome for our lives.  So we need to choose.  Are we going to allow mediocrity to relentlessly pursue us or will we pursue something different.

Relentless is also a word that comes to mind because this week I have been fighting a brutal summer cold that has been indeed that - relentless...  It started as a sore throat and moved into my head.  I couldn't bring myself to get on the mats Thursday night and honestly only came to the kwoon so that Waylon would not miss out on a dragon practice.  I was able stick some medicine on it and hold it at bay for Canada Day but then it moved into my chest.  I had hoped I was on the mend but that appears to not have been the case.  Hopefully this will clear out soon as it has definitely slowed me down.

The demands of life have felt relentless lately.  My calendar for June was so full that it left little room for margin or anything that was not literally written on it.  Being all go has probably greatly contributed to my immune system giving out on me.  Between being busy and under the weather, mediocrity has been lurking in many areas of life.  My focus was definitely where I needed it to be but little progress was made on many of the goals I had set out for the year.  The calendar this month is not quite as full but I am finding that mediocrity is pressing in.  I am tired and I am fighting the urge to just stop for a time and rest. 

Thankfully, the journey is not just one month long.  I know that I can't keep life on pause.  I get a chance to reset and shift my focus to relentless pursuit of mastery.  Today I will focus on doing what I can within the limits of my health.  I will keep my goals in front of me.  The definition of relentless does not demand that I do it all at once or in grand fashion.  I will make small daily decisions to move in the right direction and pursue them.  Definitely not the path of least resistance but it will be worth it. 

A New First

I chose to not blog earlier this week because I knew I needed to wait until after my first Sihing class on Tuesday.  This was a new milestone in my journey and I wanted to be blog about it.  Then, Wednesday turned into Thursday, which turned into Friday....  Life goes so fast it is important to take a moment to pause and look at milestones.

So Tuesday I was feeling a lot of different emotions.  

For most students in kung fu, you've moved up through the classes as you progress through the belts.  Those of us who have attended the morning class, we have not had that experience.  I started in the morning class nearly seven years ago.  Outside of joining the IHC, I have primarily only attended this one class until recently.  I am used to a multi-belt environment.  Stepping into a class designed solely for a higher belt level was very intimidating.

Then there was that the fact that I felt really old.  Not just a little old.  But really old.  For the first time in my life, I was going to step on the mats and every student was young enough to be one of my children.  Oy....  These teens and young adults are incredible.  I have watched them grow up and progress.  So old and intimidated were definitely in the mix...

There were moments on the drive to class where I considered just going for a cup of tea instead.  This month has been hard.  There has been a great deal going on in our family life and it has just been so busy that I can't even wrap my brain around where the days have gone.  I wasn't sure I had it in me to put myself out there.  The risk seemed like almost too much.

Instead, I did what I have always done.  Just drove to the kwoon.  Through anxiety, fear, excitement, overwhelm, joy, tears...  You name it, I have just always drove to the kwoon.  And I was really happy I did on Tuesday!

The class on Tuesday was fantastic.  It was challenging.  I still felt a little like a fish out of water but it was doable.  I was happy in the end that I showed up.

Rumour has it that next week is fitness...  I am sure that I am going to feel old and really like a fish out of water but I am going to keep pushing myself out of that comfort zone.

Seeking the Secret Sauce

This blog is later than I planned.  This blog is also on a much different topic than I had planned.  

The last little while has been a crazy full rollercoaster.  There are highs.  There are lows.  There are moments when all I feel like I can do is hold on for dear life.  My calendar looks like a warzone demanding my every minute.  I have so much I could blog about.  The biggest obstacle was finding the moment. 

Monday I had a general road map of where I wanted to go with my blog.  I was thinking through the approach of how I would express myself.  It was going to be a blog about building my vocabulary.  My journey the past few weeks has had me learning a great deal and finding some wild extremes in thought but I will save that for a future blog.  I've had a great deal to chew on and to work on processing. 

So back to Monday...  I have a super full day planned but I figured I could perhaps find a moment to blog in the afternoon.  Then my best laid plans took a detour...  First of all my topic was dramatically changed in the blink of an eye.  We had just lined up to bow out at the end of class on Monday and Sifu Hayes called me to the front.  And this happened!!!!

I was utterly and completely surprised.  Our morning class seems to do things a little differently.  I've watched in the evening classes people being pulled off to grade for their next belt.  Perhaps due to class size or due to the fact that many days there is only one Sifu on deck, we don't tend to do a formal grading.  There is a definite bonus to this.  I have learned to approach each day on the mats in class as if I were grading for the next level.  You give it the best that you can each class, you listen, you ask questions.  So there was no warning.  I must say it was a pretty fantastic surprise.

So back to the title of the blog...  Just last week in the car on the way home from kung fu, Waylon had asked me when I would be grading for my second degree brown belt.  I had told him I wasn't really sure what that process looked like.  I had asked what to work on and received the answer of everything.  I was approaching each class with everything I had to give in that moment.  I told him that really what I was looking for was the secret sauce - there must be something that I was being watched for, I just did not know what exactly it was.

Did I find the secret sauce?  That is a question for my Sifu's.  Do I know what that secret sauce is?  No, not really.  Where do I go from here?  Just keep giving it my all and see where the next phase of this crazy journey leads me.

Priorities on the Journey

Mastery is a journey.  The process is one of continual improvement.  Why?  There is always something that needs to be worked on.  If you can't find something in your life that needs some work, then you've let mediocrity lie to you.  I do not have to look hard or far.

Funny thing...  The IHC is designed after the UBBT - there is an obvious focus on the martial arts.  I am at a point where black belt grading is not just some day off in the far, far future.  I have reached a place in my journey where it is coming.  Yet, here I sit looking at where my mastery journey is focused and I can say without a doubt that kung fu has not been the forefront.  It is impossible to master all things, at all times.  This is a time where kung fu has had to take a step back and allow me additional time and energy to focus on my family.

The past couple years has proved to be a roller coaster ride as a parent.  Raising a teen and a tween is no joke.  We have dealt with bullying and it's aftermath.  We continue to deal with anxiety and the results.  We have had to make schooling decisions.  Today, we are sitting in a place looking forward into the unknown for schooling.  One is off to high school.  (Still trying to figure out how that happened...  Weren't we just at kindergarten graduation...)  This is exciting and scary all at the same time.  We are also looking at a change for our younger one.  I have spent a great deal of time researching homeschooling options as of late.  I want to make the right decision.  The decision we make has huge implications for our family.  This is something that will likely continue to take a great deal of time to sort out and implement yet in my heart, I know that this is what my child needs right now.

So with my focus being on my kids, where does that leave kung fu.  At a time when I feel that I should be building, I find myself maintaining.  I make every effort I can to be on the mats for classes.  Classes have been my lifeline over the years through hard times and injuries.  Even when I have had to quietly kung fu from the bench, they have kept me engaged in this portion of my journey.  Although the physical parts of kung fu have taken a real hit over the past while, I am still mindful of the personal goals that I set for the year and they are serving me well.  Daily journals, gratitude logs, time spent reading my Bible have kept me going day to day.  Fitting in time with my people, one on one when possible, has kept me grounded.  Running wildly through popular fuzz and mosquito infested woods while seeking hidden treasure and belly laughs at bedtime have reminded me that my focus is exactly where it needs to be.

What Month Is It?

Life seems to have taken on a new level of crazy the past couple weeks.  I have felt like I have had no ability to actually plan and circumstances have taken the reins of life.  I have definitely not been functioning in the best version of me.  I have felt tired and overwhelmed and generally completely done.  I have been living in survival mode for lack of a better way of describing it.  The results can be seen in every part of my life.

So...  What is a girl to do?  Yesterday, I started my day off with the goal to catch up on reading everyone's blogs.  Thank you to everyone who has been blogging!  I need the reminders, blasts of reality and great word pictures you shared.  One of the blogs that really helped out the most was Mr. McKee's blog (Week 11, I believe) about feeling overwhelmed and taking a pause.  He was on his deck drinking coffee with a banana that nobody at that house seemed very excited about.  I needed his simple reminder of pausing and regrouping.  That is what I've been doing so far this morning.

I started the day off with my journal.  Funny, I thought it would sound more upbeat and less overwhelmed and tired if I wrote in the morning than I looks at the end of the day.  Today, that was not the case.  The difference was I had an opportunity to take a deep breathe and figure out what it was I could do to help course correct that to the best of my ability.  My to do list has been swimming around up in my brain but to be honest, I wasn't even sure what was on it anymore because I had no bearings. 

So how do I fix that?  My gut instinct was to avoid!  Run away!  So I took a walk with Guiness.  Puppy therapy is the best sort.  We all know that.  My heart wanted to walk forever.  Just keep going and never look back.  Instead, we just did a short walk so that I could get back home to  start sorting out where I was at.

Next stop was my kitchen calendar, my daytimer and a cup of tea.  I went through and wrote down everything that is coming this month.  Oy...  Not really a stress reliever but at least my perception of what is going on is far more grounded in reality.  Then I focused on clearing off the millions of piles that have accumulated on my desk this last week.  Now I am armed with a realistic snapshot of how precious every minute is this month and clear place to get it done from!

So what month is it?  My brain thought it was March back at the start of May.  The weather seemed to agree with that statement.  In my world, the weather and the calendar seems to have skipped right over spring.  Mentally, I can't wrap my brain around the fact that it is indeed June.  Living in survival mode does that to you.  You lose large portions of time because you are always reacting.  There are no pauses to enjoy life and to live intentionally.  Life has been bossing me around and I am starting to feel more than a little defiant about that.  The state of my calendar gives me concern.  I have tried to think of what can be eliminated or put off and in light of my priorities and goals, it is just going to be a fact for the next month.  I will need to learn to embrace it and to work within it.

I'm not really sure how to end this blog...  But end it I must since I have flowers sitting outside that really must find their way into a flower bed or two!  More mental therapy...  Flowers, dirt and more puppy kisses are in my immediate future.  It is in these moments that I will build what I need to more than just survive the month of June!

Hand, Hand, Finger....

Thumb!!!!  Dum ditty! Dum dum dum!

Today's blog is brought to you by Al Perkins (a children's author with books similar to Dr. Suess if the first part of this blog made no sense) and a very under-rated body part which I will definitely not be using on a drum in the next little while.

This week I have learned several lessons...

1.  Rumour has it that dull knives are very dangerous in the kitchen.  That may be true but so are really sharp knives, especially when you had no idea that they have been recently sharpened.  Please always tell your family members when you sharpen knives.  It truly is important.

2.  If you use a sharp knife to cut yourself, it makes a rather clean cut with minimal effort.  Perhaps it's a really good thing that my sword is made of wood...

3.  We use our thumbs for everything!!!!!  The struggle has been real but I've been learning to adapt.  From getting dressed (buttons), to shampooing hair, to cutting up food to eat I have provided hours of quality entertainment for my family members.  There may have been a few tears of frustration and a few giggles of support along the way.

4.  The pad of our thumbs bleed like crazy when they are cut and have a hard time clotting.

The short story is I sliced off part of the pad of my thumb while cooking dinner on Friday night.  It is not the kind of cut that can be stitched up so my husband used his first aid skills to bandage me up at home.  There was a lot of blood and it really looked quite dramatic.

All joking aside... it definitely has slowed down my progress on some of my goals.  I have taken the time to focus on the goals that I have been able to do so progress does continue.  My momentum this year has been one of starts and stops.  I did not want to allow this to become a pause or worse yet, another stop.  As of tonight, I have had the bandage off for much of the day and it seems to be healing but I will continue to be careful with it in the meantime.

One of My Inspirations

This past weekend was Mother's Day.  I was blessed with time to spend with each of my kids individually.  I was allowed to soak in how they are each so different and amazing in their own special ways.

First thing Sunday morning, I received a text from my mom wishing me a Happy Mother's Day telling me that I was a great mom.  I reminded her that I had learned from the best.  Her response was that she had had a great teacher. 

The past little while, my mom journey has been full of many bumps, lumps and bruises - raising a teen and a tween is no joke.  Even in our hard moments, I could not love my kids more.  I learned to love well from the women who paved the path before me.

My sweet grandmother was a force to be reckoned with.  This tiny but mighty soul experienced more pain and challenge than I can wrap my brain around and came through it with a beauty and strength that can only come from the struggle.  She grew up with a fairly privileged life in Ontario - by that I mean she was blessed to receive an education, she had electricity and running water...  She finished school and went on to get her first year of university which allowed her to become a teacher.  This in itself was significant because this was around 1940.  During a summer break, while on vacation with her sister, she was having some troubles with her bicycle as a cute, young man happened upon them.  This young man was a soldier waiting to be shipped off to Europe.  Over the next few years, many letter were exchanged.  He sent home money so his mom could buy a ring and mail it to her.  Once he was done fighting for his country, the plan was for my grandma to take the train to Alberta, get married and start a new life.

Sounds like a movie right...  This is where the fairy tale starts to get real really fast.  One of the last things her mother said to her before she boarded that train was - you'll be back.  With a strong stubborn streak as motivation she set off across the country into the wild west.  Almost immediately after getting off that train, she was whisked off to get married - after all, they did not have enough beds to have a guest so they needed to do the proper thing.  With that life on the prairies began.

This life looked very different from the one she was used to.  No electricity, no running water...  They moved into a converted grainery with a dirt floor that would serve as a one bedroom home.  (Yes this was in Alberta and winters were not any warmer back then).  She soon became pregnant but that sweet baby passed away during childbirth.  She ended up losing two babies during childbirth and many of her other births were breach and very difficult.  Eventually they did fill up that one room grainery with one daughter and three sons.

With time they did move out into a home that they built - that had electricity and water!  But the hard times continued.  My grandfather suffered a massive heart attack very young.  He did survive but it meant that he was no longer able to farm in the same capacity so my grandma went back to teaching.  Not your conventional family in the late 50's, early 60's but they did what needed to be done.  Over the years, she would spend time away over the summers and did finish up her degree.  She taught generations of families in the same school and even after she was forced to retire could be found reading with the kids or tutoring them.

She was not without her own health struggles over the years.  In her 60's she beat lung cancer even though she had never smoked a cigarette in her life.  Then again in her 80's she beat colon cancer.    Shortly after the colon cancer, she suffered a life changing brain injury that took her independence along with most of her memories. 

She fought hard her entire life.  She loved on everyone she met well.  She was one of the most inspiring people I have ever had the opportunity to know.

This is a picture taken in 2003 the week that Waylon was born.  She had already suffered her brain injury at this time but she loved babies.  I was lucky that my mom was able to get her a day pass to bring her to my home to meet her new great grandson.  My children never had the opportunity to hear her stories told from her perspective.  She passed away just shortly after I became pregnant with Georgia.  She was one of the first people to know about our coming blessing and she was so excited that there would be another little person for her to love.

So what does this have to do with my journey towards mastery?  I look at how she touched and inspired so many people.  She had pluck and grit and a never give up attitude that allowed her to have an impact that will ripple down for generations, not just in my family but in the community she lived in.  To me, mastery is without a true purpose if it is only for yourself.  I want to push my limits to show my kids and their kids that they can be so much more than they can imagine.  I want to be the example of how I dream my kids will live.  In a world filled with mediocrity our kids need an example.  I could easily sit back and wait for someone to be the example or I can get up and try to be that example.  Many days I am not proud or happy with the example that I am setting but each day my plan and goal is step closer to being that inspiration, to loving well and to having a life well lived.

168....

Confession... I love time management books.  I love looking at planners.  I love dreaming about getting all the stuff done - all of it!

So anyone else who is totally into this sort of stuff knows the relevance of the number 168.  It is the numbers of hours each and every single one of us has in a week.  As long as you are living and breathing, this is it - 168 hours.  Time is like that.  It will not increase no matter how hard we try to add extra.

This makes it precious.  I have found myself trying to explain how precious time is to my kids.  I think they missed the concept totally.  It is a lesson that is learned with time and is most relevant when you've seen someone not get their 168 hours...

So, you would think with my love of all things planning, that I would have it together.  Nope!  Not even close!  I read the books.  I think "Wow!  Applying this would be life changing!"  And then when it is time to follow through, I tend to default to how I've always done things.  I am not living the drean and I am not getting all the stuff done!

As a work from home mom, I have so much flexibility in my schedule.  I am sure many of you would covet this flexibility.  There are so many blessings with having this type of lifestyle.  My favourite is that with minimal fuss I can drop everything if need be.  This has allowed me the opportunity to be there for my family in ways that far too many moms have not had the chance.

This flexibility also has a darker side...  There is the illusion of lots of time but it is often poorly used.  I am always finding myself believing that I can add something to my to do list because I have time.  My family is forever adding things on the fly because I have time.  My life on the most part completely lacks structure and often any sense of urgency, which can lead to time not being treated as precious.

I have tried to impose a set structure on my life but I have not seen a great deal of success.  Each day looks totally different so it is hard to build a routine.  I find that I believe that I will have time later to do many things, to find that later is not really a time in my day.   This has been a constant struggle in my life.  The lack of ability to manage my own time well shows up in how well my requirements are progressing.  I wake up most mornings ready to conquer the world, to nail my requirements only to find that I ran out of time at the end of the day.  This is not an uncommon struggle for many of you.  My concern is that there are too many days where I get to the end of the day and I try to reflect back.  I know I was busy all day but often can't pinpoint what I was actually busy doing.

Here is where the rubber meets the road...  It is hard to change something until you face the reality of what you are trying to change.  I do not always know what that reality is since I get to the end of the day and I often have no idea where the day went.  Many time management people focus on how we can't really manage time but we need to shift the focus to actually managing ourselves and the people in our lives.  I am apparently not terribly mindful of where my precious minutes are being used up.

So...  I am going to start doing a time audit on myself to see just where the minutes are slipping away to during this next week.  I've got a tracking sheet in my planner and I am ready to find out just where the time is going.  Really, I am off to practice the two questions that we talk about all the time...  Where am I?  What am I doing?  Then record the answers.

Numbers as of May 7/18
Push ups      4,424/ 50 000
Sit ups         4,475/ 50 000
Kempo           92/ 1000
WuDang Sword 180/ 1000
Distance     416.3/1609
Kicks       839/ 50 000
Sparring     248/ 1000
AoK         232/1000
Gratitude  231/1000
Journal      75/355
Piano    12.5 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   6/24 books
Geocaches  13/120 finds

Four Little Words...

It's Friday...  Not my usual blog day but I wanted to leave myself a breadcrumb.  So many blogs are written because we made the commitment to show up once a week and put something down.  This is not one of those blogs.  Today I write this blog purely for myself to go back and read - daily if I need to.

Between the bright light of spring and a visit to the infamous "couch", my mind has been full of activity.  Some of this activity is good.  Some of it not so good.  On the most part, things are going fairly well.  I'm not where I want to be but in most areas, but I believe that I am headed in the right direction.  That is "good" thinking.  The doubts that I struggle with about just how far I can take my own journey are not "good" thinking.  Being realistic is a good thing.  If you are not living in reality, it is hard to face what needs to be taken care of effectively.  The doubts, though, are placing an anchor on my ability to progress.  This anchor has a relatively short chain and as the waves swell, I get pulled under the water instead of riding the wave.

So the past two days I have been practicing four little words.  I.  Can.  Do.  This. 

Yesterday I started what I will loosely call a learn to run - couch to 5km plan.  I set out with my furry training partner - who by the way seems confused with the whole jog then walk situation.

The first run interval hit.  I practiced my four little words.  I can do this?????  Wait a minute.  How many question marks were at the end of that statement.  Try it again.  I can do this??  Ok, that as a little better.

The second run interval hit.  There was still a question mark at the end of the sentence but I was working really hard to remove it.

The third run interval hit.  The statement was now a statement instead of a question but I still was not feeling it.

The fourth run interval hit.  Ok, maybe I really can do this.  I know more than four words but the belief was starting to settle in.

The end of the fifth interval.  I can do this!  Yup, I did it!  Then a nice long walk home.

 Now this run was not some massive accomplishment, that is unless you are me.  This was a run I had been putting off for a very long time.  Many excuses stood between me and this first run.  It was a major first step in a particular direction towards a particular goal.  Today I took another step towards this goal and did the same length of intervals but did seven instead of five.

The bright light of spring has got me moving.  The glory days of summer will be a test to keep the momentum going.  I have a decision to make come September.  I have a lot of work ahead of me.  I must cut the chain on that anchor because I want to see just where I can be at that time.  As each day goes by, I will keep practicing my four little words (with proper punctuation).

I can do this!

Bright Light of Spring

This past winter felt long, hard and dark.  Someone I was talking to yesterday commented that we had 97 days of January this year.  It felt like winter would never end...  It is easy to curl up in the darkness and hide but that is not useful. 

I'm going to step out on a limb and declare that winter is OVER!!!  Spring has finally arrived and with it the sun has been working hard to pop out.  It is time to emerge from hibernation and face what the bright light is revealing.

Last week I found myself learning a lesson about slowing down.  The beauty in slowing down is you actually have time to think and to really look around.  Then that bright light shone in and I was left looking at a great deal of truth.  There is no hiding in the light.

The reality is, I am not where I want to be.  My numbers are not where I want them to be.  My relationships are not where I want them to be.  My home is in desperate need of a declutter and spring clean.  I don't even want to talk about the body clutter that seems to have found me in the dark of winter.  I could look at nearly every area of my life and point out something that the light has revealed.

Now that I have taken stock of where I am at, I have choices to make. 

If I follow the path of past mistakes, I will beat myself up about all of this then proceed to feel terrible.  The next step along that path forks out into two directions.  The first direction is to try to fix it all at once until I finally drop into a hot mess of burn out or illness.  Coming from a place where I just had a forced rest for a head cold, this is NOT the path that I want to travel.  The second direction is to feel too overwhelmed and do nothing.  Neither of these options have served me well in the past.  This path is well worn but I know that it will lead me straight off a cliff....

I spent hours working with a very wonderful neuropsychologist after my accident.  She worked hard trying to teach me to drop my perfectionist views of life and embrace a different way of looking at things.  She encouraged me to try a new path - one of acceptance.

Today I choose to accept where I am on my path.  Today I choose to look around and accept what the bright light is showing me.  Today I choose to just do what I can do.  Tonight I will choose to let go of the things that I was not able to do today because that guilt is not helpful.  Tomorrow I will repeat the process.  I will never make consistent progress on this journey if I am not first and foremost kind to myself.

This is not a path that I am at all familiar with.  Honestly, it feels like looking up the side of a mountain without a marked trail.  I do know that if I can start to slowly work my way up the mountain, that the views at the top with outstanding!



Numbers as of April 30/18
Push ups      4,119/ 50 000
Sit ups         4,115/ 50 000
Kempo           80/ 1000
WuDang Sword 169/ 1000
Distance     363.9/1609
Kicks       709/ 50 000
Sparring     218/ 1000
AoK         209/1000
Gratitude  207/1000
Journal      68/355
Piano    11.0 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   5/24 books
Geocaches  9/120 finds

Forced Slow Down

What a crazy, wild ride the past couple weeks have been.  I attended a bunch of extra classes to get a better handle on the grappling curriculum.  Work has been steady.  Chad & I have started looking at starting a new business venture that has taken time.  Kids keep me hopping...  I have been living life full out, that is until I could not keep up that pace one second longer.

Last Wednesday was a definite high in my kung fu life.  I focused in and met the goal of getting that last stripe.  I'm not so sure my precious son fully appreciated the beating required but I am grateful that he let me use him as a victim.  I am also grateful for the additional attention that Sifu Lindstrom sent my way during that time.  It was a successful push.  I did indeed meet my goal.  It really was a pretty exciting moment.

Then Thursday hit...  I felt tired and slow all day long.  I managed to push through all that was required of me but barely.  I had a sweet friend hang up the phone on me after telling me to just go have a nap.  Friday was another day filled with go, go, go...  As the day wore on, I felt worn out.  By the time I went to bed I knew that there was a head cold on it's way. 

This weekend, I stripped life back to the must do's.  Kids made to it their activities on Saturday morning.  Groceries were purchased on Sunday to start the week.  Nothing else happened!!!  Just napping and reading...

Today I am still operating in my slowed down state.  I made it to class but drank peppermint tea while watching everyone else kick the bags.  It was a class that I know I needed to do but I just did not have it in me.  Then it was home for another nap.  Tonight, Chad is helping me out with much of the driving to and from the kwoon - another item to add to my gratitude list.

We spend a great deal of time talking about progressing wisely and not approaching mastery in an all or nothing manner.  This past week, I failed to do this and my body is now reminding me that indeed, I am a mere mortal.  I knew that I had been pushing myself too hard over the past few weeks without enough downtime and rest.  I was reminded that if I do not listen to my body, it will talk a whole bunch louder and it will get my attention.  Perhaps this time I will learn from this forced slow down...

Flip, Knee, Flip, Shrimp, Knee, Flip, Flip

Yup, I have grappling on the brain.  The past couple weeks, I have really been focusing on learning the grappling curriculum.  I have done my best to attend every class that I possibly can when grappling is being taught.  I am starting to see the patterns and how the system fits together depending on if you are in guard, mount or side mount.  Yet even with the patterns, there is still a lot to retain.  Some of the techniques do not fall within the patterns and some of them have so many steps. 

Last night in class, we went over the shrimp out elbow (at least this is what I think it is called) escape from full mount.  I have been thinking about this technique, reciting the steps, dreaming about this technique because it is has so many steps.  I learned this technique months ago.  I was left asking when do I flip?  When do I shrimp?  Really I was left with months of confusion to sort out.  The constant review over the past week has really helped to solidify the sequence of this complex technique.

It has been very cool and rewarding to see progress over the past couple weeks in this area.  What is not quite as cool is how being so focused as left other area unattended to.  As there often is, trade offs are made in the short term when mastery is a goal.  I'm not sure it is possible to master multiple areas of life all at the same time.  I know the goal is to focus on something while at the minimum keeping everything else in maintenance mode.  As your focus shifts between what you are mastering, every part of life continues this upward trajectory.  I feel that I have struggled to do the maintenance part lately but I will keep plugging on along, making course corrections as I am able.

Stepping Forward & Taking Charge

Why did I join kung fu?  Was it to get my black belt?

Honestly, I did not mean to join kung fu.  I had originally enrolled Waylon based on a recommendation from an occupational therapist to help him with his balance and gross motor skills.  I had planned to be the mom on the bench.  Funny things happen on that bench...  There are other moms on that bench and sometimes, they take kung fu too.

Over the years, I migrated from the bench to the mats.  I originally joined because it looked like fun and I needed some exercise.  The class times worked since the kids were in school and I was able to hang out with a great group of moms.  My goals at that point were to simply show up, sweat, laugh and learn something new.  To me the belts were not really super relevant or important.  It was nice to see stripes because they officially marked progression and improvement but they were not what drove me to the mats.

Fast forward several years and I find that the same things keep bringing me back to the mats.  I show up.  I sweat.  I laugh.  I learn something new.  I hang out with an inspiring group of people.  Yet as much as that part has stayed the same, there has been a shift.  That black belt that I never imagined as a possibility is now potentially right around the corner.  I have admitted several times that this possibility has come with a great deal of "feelings" as of late.

With only one stripe left, I needed to take a hard look at my own goals and how I am approaching kung fu.  The one stripe that I have left is grappling.  I had a choice to make.  I could continue on the way I have been but this path did not look like one that would lead to me really learning the grappling curriculum anytime soon.  After all, just imagine trying to learn grappling from someone who is pregnant with twins.  We all had a few laughs but then had to come up with a new plan. 

This plan required me to take my progress fully into my own hands and reach out for help.  The plan requires me to be at open training asking questions and attending any and every class offered at the school that I can get to when grappling is being taught.  Lucky for me, this seems to be the focus this week and next.  What this meant for me yesterday was three kung fu classes filled with learning and practice.  Being able to learn the techniques in the morning, then come back later in the day and really work on them really helped.  I was one tired girl at the end of the day though.

This week I chose to not let the "feelings" rule and stepped out.  We often talk about the qualities of a black belt.  The one most often mentioned is the eye for detail.  This will always been something that I am striving for but this week I was focused on a different quality - actually taking initiative and in many ways control over my own journey.  Thank you Sifu Rybak, Sifu Lindstrom and Sifu Freitag for the support as I step out of my comfort zone.

Time, Stripes & Anxiety

Well, spring (we will use that term loosely) break is officially over tomorrow.  Can't you hear all the kids groaning and moaning as they attempt to get out of bed in the morning?  I'm sure I will hear my share in my home....

As anticipated, the past week had it's ups and downs and round and rounds...  Leading up to the break I had these dreams and intentions of relaxation, fun and a trip to Calgary for Easter.  Dreams and intentions are often foiled by real life.

This week was filled with far too much time at my computer.  I agreed to take on a work project that I thought would only take about 10-12 hours.  The reality was it took twice that amount of time.  The result was a very tired brain for me.  The kids on the other hand thought they hit the jackpot!  When mom is busy, they tend to hide out on their own screens...  Ugh, definitely not what I had planned.  We did squeeze in our trip to Calgary with a delayed start date due to weather.  It was good but rushed.

How does this relate to my kung fu journey?  It is the realization how fast time is passing by.  I anticipated this would be a tough week to stay on track.  Even with that knowledge, I still struggled to get much of anything done.  This has left me further behind where I would like to be and feeling some anxiety to get it together.

Actually to be honest, my journey in kung fu is causing me a great deal of anxiety as of late.  On top of being behind in my requirements, I earned a stripe last week.  Most of you are probably questioning how that can cause anxiety.  I remember the days when stripes were sought after and celebrated.  I have found that this has changed the further into my brown belt I go.  Each achievement, each step is one step closer to grading year.  Sifu Brinker warned me last fall to treat this year as though it were my grading year.  His warning was that if I didn't set my sights there, I would then wait until the next year to start preparing.

I set my goals with this in mind but I have not made a great deal of headway on those goals as of yet.  Right now I am honestly feeling a little stuck.  I see where I believe I need to be.  I see where I am.  I know I have a ton of work ahead of me.  I know that I need to just start moving forward but yet I feel frozen in place not knowing which foot to move first.  I do need to start or like I was warned, this year will have passed me by... because even if the weather can't figure out it is April, time still marches on...

Momentum - Ebbs & Flows

Everywhere we look in life, there are cycles.  Highs and lows...  Then another round of highs and lows...  We see this in nature, particularly in our lovely Alberta climate.  We see this in our moods and energy.

I have noticed a trend over the past few years in the IHC.  I usually start the week off with a high.  I write my blog.  I look at my numbers.  I give myself I swift kick in the bottom and off to class I go...  My momentum seems to waiver a little but then Wednesday I start my day off again with a kung fu class and I am back in the game again (at least to some degree).  Thursday is often very busy but I have piano which is like a warm hug and then end the day off with class.  No matter how the day has gone, it ends well.  Friday...  By Friday I find that I am sinking into a momentum low.  My focus shifts to getting ready for the weekend.  In the past the weekend has flown by full and fast but not with much intention with regards to my more physical requirements.  Then I am back to my wake up call on Monday.

So far this year, I have managed to add another blip into the weekend by coming to open training.  In the past, it was hard to get there.  Saturday always seems to be busy, especially if Chad has the day off.  It was not always well received when I'd want to take off in the middle of the day to go train.  This year has been different because I am not the only one in the house wanting to take advantage of open training.  It has been a huge help.

Looking more closely at my own personal cycle of kung fu momentum, there are a few things that I have noticed.

The first is that most days, even my highs are not quite high enough.  Compared to the average person, the number of push ups I have already done this year is quite fantastic but I am not on track to meet my goals.  I need to start edging those highs up to a level that will meet those goals but not to a level that is not maintainable.

The second thing that I would like to work on is the lows.  Having ups and down is inevitable...  My goal is to make the difference between those highs and lows as consistent and steady as possible.  Really, the goal is to eliminate the all or nothing mentality.  I would love to get to the point where my Monday check in was more of a celebration than a kick in the pants.

My goal this week is consistent momentum!  Now this makes me giggle a little since it is spring break.  All sense of any routine that I normally have has been virtually shot out the window.  Then add to that, we are out of town for the Easter weekend.  Yes, I have a planned trip right in the middle of where I usually lose my momentum...  I indeed do have my work cut out for me.


Numbers as of March 25/18
Push ups      3229/ 50 000
Sit ups         3280/ 50 000
Kempo           37/ 1000
WuDang Sword 199/ 1000
Distance     192.8/1609
Kicks       581/ 50 000
Sparring     40/ 1000
AoK         120/1000
Gratitude  117/1000
Journal      34/355
Piano    7.0 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   4/24 books
Geocaches  4/120 finds

Focus on the First One First

With each step, sit up, push up, form repetitions...  No matter which goal you wish to attain in life, you need to just start.  The big goal can seem daunting but as we focus on incremental progress and breaking it down into doable steps, it becomes just that - possible.  Really it all starts with doing the first thing and then repeating that until you gets some momentum.

This little bit of wisdom is what I keep trying to remind myself of this year.  I started the year full of excitement, ready to conquer the world.  Some days I do conquer what needs to be done that day to complete my goals, many days I do not.  Every day I do at least one thing to move me in the right direction inching my way forward.

There is one goal where I am having more issues just getting started than the others.  I blogged about my tense relationship with my bathroom scale.  It is not so much the scale that is the issue, really it is just a scale.  The issue is the number that is shows and what that number represents.  My scale does not lie.  My scale is quick to show me exactly where I stand.

Lately my scale has been signaling to me that mediocrity has set in.  Although my weight has been a struggle my entire adult life, I do know what I need to do to maintain a healthy weight for me.  It is not easy and it takes a great deal of intentionality.  It is an area of life where I can not allow mediocrity to sneak in and expect to be able to hide it.

So where am I with respect to this goal?  Honestly, I am feeling extremely overwhelmed by where my habits have lead me.  This goal is a little different in many ways than the other ones.  It is not tracked necessarily by what I do but by what I am able to lose.  There are many factors that come into play in order for me to be successful.  In many ways, this leaves me feeling defeated and then struggling to start.

So what do I need to do about this?  I have set a plan that is more easily trackable that will put me on the path to success.  Really, what I need to do is take that first step, tracking my food, fighting back against the mediocrity.  Most importantly, I need to focus on losing the first pound first and not be focused on the big number.


Numbers as of March 18/18
Push ups      2697/ 50 000
Sit ups         2697/ 50 000
Kempo           26/ 1000
WuDang Sword 89/ 1000
Distance     156.3/1609
Kicks       460/ 50 000
Sparring     0/ 1000
AoK         99/1000
Gratitude  94/1000
Journal      27/355
Piano    5.9 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   3/24 books
Geocaches  4/120 finds

People vs Tasks

This past week was jam packed with appointments.  This stay at home, work from home momma was not in her home at all last week.  The result was not much work was completed - not housework, not client work, not kung fu practice...  I found the week was consumed with planning logistics of all these appointments and how to keep my family moving through it all.

The result of this was I was extremely task oriented this week.  It was all about where we needed to be, what we needed to be doing and at times what was not getting done.  There were kids rushed here and there.  There was a frazzled mom.  There was at least one comment about a mom not having time to listen.  What was the response?  Can't you see all these things I am doing for you!!!  I am doing my best!

After a quieter weekend and some space from the chaos, I've had some time to reflect.  My kids can't see the things I do for them.  I have been doing things for them their whole lives.  They would likely only notice if I stopped.  After all, that is my number one job in life.

Yes, my kids need me to be doing these things for them but they need something more.  They need their mom.  They need me to be able to sit and listen.  They need me to be actually present and not trying to figure out how to move the conversation along so that we can rush to whatever is next.  They need to laugh and cry.  They need to be heard.

I get this...  This is a need we all have.  Then why is it so hard? 

As I was brushing my teeth, thinking this over and trying to plan my blog, a visual hit me...  My brain constantly feels like the navigation system in a vehicle.  Every breath, every move, every decision my brain is re-calibrating...  Can't you just hear that annoying voice now? 

One day for fun Waylon set the maps app on my phone for our home address as we were driving home from his best friends.  Then just to add to that fun, I decided I would do everything I could to drive home using a different path without actually deviating too far out of the way.  With every turn, there was a voice either telling me it was re-calibrating or telling me to make an illegal u-turn...  Definitely words of wisdom to live by or not...

There have been quite a few blogs talking about mindfulness lately.  When I am busy re-calibrating and planning out my next million steps in life, I am not in the moment.  Rarely do I even end up following the million steps I had just planned out.  Why?  Well, I re-calibrated yet again...

What do I need?  Well, it appears it is not the next million steps.  What I actually need is to slow down and really see the people who are right in front of me at that moment.  This is not easy for a task-oriented person.  The drive to get more done and to achieve mastery is often very task-oriented.  This is something that I can more easily identify with personality-wise.  But, what is the point of mastery if my people are not supported by me on my journey.

This week I will do my best to pause with my people - to laugh, to cry, to be present...   While still getting the stuff done...

Numbers as of March 11/18
Push ups      2185/ 50 000
Sit ups         2214/ 50 000
Kempo           21/ 1000
WuDang Sword 63/ 1000
Distance     120.3/1609
Kicks       360/ 50 000
Sparring     0/ 1000
AoK         76/1000
Gratitude  76/1000
Journal      21/355
Piano    4.8 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   2/24 books
Geocaches  4/120 finds

The Reality Model

The past week I read a great little book by Hyrum W. Smith called "You Are What You Believe - Simple Steps to Transform Your Life".  He has spent a large portion of his life and career influencing people all over the world.  Over time he has developed a model of how people make the choices they make.  I will attempt to take what he so eloquently wrote in the book and break it quickly down into a blog post....

The basics of the model are that we all have four basic human needs.  We need to survive.  We need to love and be loved.  We need to feel important (significance).  We need variety.

We all have a belief window.  This is where we put the principles that we live by.  This is where we put our beliefs, assumptions, morals, values.  We place principles onto our belief window because we believe that is how we are going to get our human needs met. We look at the entire world and our lives through this window.

Then based our the view, we make up internal rules.  If this happens, then this...  Often this step happens with absolutely no conscious thought because we are reacting to what is on our belief window.  The next step is we step out in action.  Often again, there is not much conscious thought here.  Then finally, we have our results.  This process often happens absolutely seamlessly without us even knowing it has happened.

The point of the book was to first look at our actions and results.  He challenged the readers to ask what need do we think a particular action is meeting and then the most important question...  Will that action meet our needs long term.

He had the opportunity to go into high schools all over the States.  In one instance, the principal of the school chose to not have Hyrum talk to the entire student body, only 50 of his hardest cases.  The teens that were place in the room with Hyrum were the worst of the worst.  This school was in a severely disadvantaged area.  Many of this teens had already served time.  Many of them were battling addictions. 

The beauty of this model is it allows you to look at hard behaviours in a way that does not personally attack the person.  Hyrum took on the challenge of leading this group of teens through the process where they talked about drugs.  The kids quickly identified the need for variety as the driver behind this behaviour.  He then challenged them to think of role models, for lack of a better way of describing them, that had made similar choices.  The kids were quick to name people like Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, John Belushi.  The kids were excited and feeling very justified in their choice for variety until Hyrum asked the second question.  Where are these people today?  They are all dead.  How did they die?  Drug overdoses.  Did their behaviour meet their needs over time?  Well, it definitely violated the need to survive completely.

Six weeks later, the principal called Hyrum wanting to know what he had done.  10 of the 50 teens in that room that day had completely turned their lives around using this model.

So, you may ask what does this have to do with my journey... 

No, I am not struggling with a drug addiction unless you call chocolate a drug.  Then I may be in trouble.  Yet I still make choices that are definitely not standing up over time.  The IHC program has some tough requirements.  You succeed and fail at this program a little at a time, each day.  It demands discipline.  There is that little voice inside me that says that that is not very fun...  Sometimes that voice is yelling because let's face it, push ups are not fun.

Sifu Brinker has been talking about effortless effort for years.  I understand the concept but the beauty of it can't be found without building the habits and structure in our lives.  I have talked about building habits.  I have started and stopped with habits so many times that I can't remember if I'm starting or stopping anymore but the reality is the same - I fight it because I am seeking variety.  Is it working for me?  Not at all!

This need for variety is just the tip of the iceberg for me.  Underneath that tip is a whole bunch of principles on my belief window that are slowing me down or down right stopping me.  I tell myself that I can't do things.  I tell myself that getting a black belt is totally doable for the next guy but not for me.  I tell myself that I do not have time yet I keep saying yes to everyone who asks me to do something.  That is just to name a few things that are lurking under the surface that this short, little book has been painfully ripping the bandaids off of.

The truth is mastery is built on repetition.  Repetition is hard to maintain.  Why?  It is not exciting and we seek variety.  The question I need to be asking is how can I satisfy the need for variety while building the routines I need to succeed.  Right now I am having so much fun with my sword form that it is almost ridiculous!  It is new.  It is totally different from anything else I have learned.  But...  I also know full well that there will come a time in the year where it will not seem so new and exciting but to strive for mastery, I will need to continue to push through that and keep going.  I will need to rely on some of my personal requirements to pepper life with the spice and variety that I seek while building the base of the routines for the rest.

As for my thinking and self doubt...  That will continue to be a work in progress as I look at my belief window.  It is going to be a near constant battle to replace the beliefs that are so deeply imprinted but surrounding by the support of the community we are building, I will keep on pressing in.

As for right now...  I have not built the routines needed to maintain the numbers I have promised.  Inspite of that fact, I have done more since the Year of the Dog started than I have done prior to the start of the year.  I am building the base to keep moving forward.  Using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons suggested has helped me consistently keep track of my numbers and gives me honest feedback on where I am at compared to where I need to be.

Push ups      1825/ 50 000
Sit ups         1704/ 50 000
Kempo           15/ 1000
WuDang Sword 53/ 1000
Distance     83.4/1609
Kicks       210/ 50 000
Sparring     0/ 1000
AoK         53/1000
Gratitude  53/1000
Journal      15/355
Piano    225 min/ 4800 min
Reading   2/24 books

I have a few personal goals that I have not started on but with the busy month of February behind me - I am ready to get on those as well.

Construction Zone - Proceed with Caution

There are times in life when you wonder why you are where you are.  Then there are times when you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  This weekend was one of those moments.

I was provided the opportunity to attend a women's conference on Friday night and Saturday during the day.  Leading up to the event I had hummed and hawed at whether I should go.  Chad was sent out of town...  Can I leave the kids for entire day?  Will they burn the house down?  (At lunch on Saturday, they assured me that only half the house was actually burned down so we are half good.)

I chose to put the questions aside and just go.  I was exactly where I needed to be.  I was blessed to be surrounded by amazing ladies.  I cried more than my share of tears (I am still perhaps a wee bit dehydrated).  I walked away with a new perspective that I am now working to apply to my life.

The speaker on Saturday morning used an example that I found hit home particularly hard.  The image was one of a person who spins plates.  They start with one...  That's pretty cool...  Then you add another...  That seems to be going ok...  Then it's another...  The crowd is cheering and asking for more plates....  On and on... 

The plates represent the many things we juggle in life.  I personally have quite an array of plates on any given day.  Sometimes (actually more often than I'd like to admit), I drop one.  I take a moment, get out the glue and then it's back to spinning.  Funny thing is that I often find a couple more plates to spin in those moments.  The plates look cool up there spinning.  Everyone is focused on the plates.

Now for just a second look down at the person who is doing the spinning.  That person in not the picture of calm and stability.  Once that person hits a certain threshold of plates, they become more and more frantic, running around trying to keep those plates up in the air.  Yes indeed, that is me.  Frantic, running....  My heart and soul yearn for peace and stability.

I spent time this past weekend starting to sort through the plates I've been spinning.  I have been asking hard questions.  Questions like why am I spinning this?  Is this even my plate to spin?  Did I agree to take on that plate to please someone?  Am I spinning this one just for the sake of ego?  Those are some of the roots that I have found in the plates as I've looked at them - people pleasing and ego.

The new  vision that I am working towards is holding a much smaller stack of plates and not to be holding them alone.  I only want to hold the plates that have been carefully selected and that can manage without chaos.  This will take time as I sift through the questions.

So here's where that construction zone reference in the title comes in!  You may want to proceed with caution.  There may be plates flying here and there and everywhere as I sort through them.