My last post was on engagement from the sidelines. I want to thank everyone for all their encouraging comments. The issue that I was trying to express, but didn't really get across very well is the difference between looking engaged and feeling engaged. The adage "Just Do It" works wonders. If you don't feel engaged, then act engaged and your feelings will eventually catch up. I was doing what I could to act it even when how I felt was not engaged really at all.
That post was written when I was feeling so divided. There is so much that I want to do yet the medical advice I received was to back off. I backed off and the advice was back off more. A couple days after that post I went in for my weekly chat with the neural psychologist to see where things were. To say that it was mostly lecture from her side of the room and many tears from my side would have been an understatement. I thought that I had done a great job scaling back on life. After all I am a mom and a wife and it is December and there is so much going on... She did congratulate me for going from 110% down to 90%. Yay me! That was seriously hard to do since the 110% was already a slowed down pace in my opinion. She used words like martyr and super mom and told me to just stop it. The goal was to aim for 20%. Yup, you read that right - 20%!!! Who can live at 20%. I am a mom and a wife and it's Christmas time!!!
So now what... The medical advice that I have received on this whole concussion thing has been so all over the place. One doctor told me it was just stress from life and some depression and recommending counselling. The counselling resulted in an acknowledgment that my brain may be hurting and that it could take up to 2 years to heal but I was encouraged to live life as full as I could to counter the depression. I tried jumping back into life. I tried to live like I was fine. I was not fine. The lady I have been seeing worked at the Glenrose in the brain trauma department. She knows her stuff. I went to her after the other options were not working. Why go if you are not going to try... And by try, that means resting my brain. Not just sitting around reading or watching some sort of screen. That is not resting my brain. She meant horizontal with my eyes closed.
School ended and life was able to slow down significantly. The last two weeks have been filled with rest. I don't think I hit 20% (well maybe on that one day were I took 3, yes you read that right, 3 naps). My family has circled the wagons and have really pitched in. Christmas was wonderful. My family came from Calgary so I would not have to travel and brought most of dinner with them. Nearly every afternoon I have headed upstairs for a nap. Really, I have stopped. And the world has not stopped turning.
So how am I feeling? I can literally feel my brain healing. I am feeling so much better than I did two weeks ago. It is really hard to put even into words. Before my break I broke down and cried over the simplest things because they seemed so hard. The are becoming simpler things again. The fog is gone. The anxiety and panic attacks have subsided. The headaches are much more manageable. I can focus for more than 5 minutes at a time. I even wrote this blog in one sitting and that is a major accomplishment. Am I completely better? Not a chance but I am on my way.
What does this mean for my IHC year? I have not quit. My goals are very much on my mind. I have started to add back some activity the last few days. The warm weather has made it much easier to get out for some lovely walks with Guiness. We are not going far and we are not breaking any speed records but I am getting out in the fresh air. I will start adding in more each day slowly, very slowly. I do not want this to be one step forward and two steps back. I have accepted that my goals and achievements this year are what they are. Really, even with not doing much since August, some of my achievements are higher than I imagined at this point last year. My number one goal right now is get myself healthy. That means that I am still moving at a much slower pace but I am still here.
Thursday 31 December 2015
Monday 14 December 2015
Engagement from the Sidelines
There has been a ton of talk about engagement and perspective. Most of the conversation revolves around those who are away from the kwoon and how do you stay engaged when you are away from the group. This seems to be a struggle many on the team have had not only this year but over time. The advice given always rings true. The path to staying engaged is to do. When you don't want to do, do it anyway. Just do it.
So what do you do when you can't just do it? There are a few of us on the team this year that are struggling with this very real issue. Sifu Beckett spent months in a hospital bed. Sihing Vanderham is limping around on crutches. Most days, I look physically pretty good as long as you ignore how tired I look but the doctors have specifically asked me to stop doing. For people who are in this group, the just do it advice can make you want to scream. We want to do it. Yes, even the dreaded push ups. We want to train. We want to be on the mats sweating, learning, working hard. Yet, there we are at the back of the class or sitting on the benches watching.
I have really been struggling with engagement lately. I have been trying to attend all of my classes. I come ready to learn. I bring my curriculum, my notebook and my pen. I ask questions. I flap my arms around on the bench trying to mimic and figure things out. I have joined tai chi to try to find a way to be on the mats and still keep my heart rate at a lower level. I attempted demo class last Friday which honestly was a physical stretch for me. I had many caring teammates checking in on me between each demo run to see if I was ok. Sifu Vantuil asked how I was feeling after class. It was such a mixed bag really. Physically, I felt pretty crappy. Mentally, I was exhausted. Yet, it felt unbelievably good to be on the mats with the team working on my weapon form.
Staying engaged from the sidelines is a tricky business. With the physical goals, I have had to put most of them on hold for now. I will have a lot of work to build back up again once I am well but I will conquer that hurdle when the time comes. Then there are the personal goals. This should free up my time to really attack these goals. Due to the restrictions placed on me, I am having to look for different ways to approach these goals as well. Since there has not been a ton to keep track of, I have unfortunately have fallen out of the habit of writing down my numbers each day. Then when I try to play catch up, I can't remember what I did. That is not helpful. When you are limited to what you can do, it is even more important to give yourself credit for what you do accomplish.
So my game plan for now is to first of all just keep showing up - whether it be on the mats or on the bench. The next is to get back into the habit of giving myself credit for things I do get accomplished. Finally, I will be looking for creative ways to work around some of my goals to hopefully keep my focus moving forward as we finish out this year. This will all be done within the framework of my health and healing being first priority which means rest, rest and more rest.
So what do you do when you can't just do it? There are a few of us on the team this year that are struggling with this very real issue. Sifu Beckett spent months in a hospital bed. Sihing Vanderham is limping around on crutches. Most days, I look physically pretty good as long as you ignore how tired I look but the doctors have specifically asked me to stop doing. For people who are in this group, the just do it advice can make you want to scream. We want to do it. Yes, even the dreaded push ups. We want to train. We want to be on the mats sweating, learning, working hard. Yet, there we are at the back of the class or sitting on the benches watching.
I have really been struggling with engagement lately. I have been trying to attend all of my classes. I come ready to learn. I bring my curriculum, my notebook and my pen. I ask questions. I flap my arms around on the bench trying to mimic and figure things out. I have joined tai chi to try to find a way to be on the mats and still keep my heart rate at a lower level. I attempted demo class last Friday which honestly was a physical stretch for me. I had many caring teammates checking in on me between each demo run to see if I was ok. Sifu Vantuil asked how I was feeling after class. It was such a mixed bag really. Physically, I felt pretty crappy. Mentally, I was exhausted. Yet, it felt unbelievably good to be on the mats with the team working on my weapon form.
Staying engaged from the sidelines is a tricky business. With the physical goals, I have had to put most of them on hold for now. I will have a lot of work to build back up again once I am well but I will conquer that hurdle when the time comes. Then there are the personal goals. This should free up my time to really attack these goals. Due to the restrictions placed on me, I am having to look for different ways to approach these goals as well. Since there has not been a ton to keep track of, I have unfortunately have fallen out of the habit of writing down my numbers each day. Then when I try to play catch up, I can't remember what I did. That is not helpful. When you are limited to what you can do, it is even more important to give yourself credit for what you do accomplish.
So my game plan for now is to first of all just keep showing up - whether it be on the mats or on the bench. The next is to get back into the habit of giving myself credit for things I do get accomplished. Finally, I will be looking for creative ways to work around some of my goals to hopefully keep my focus moving forward as we finish out this year. This will all be done within the framework of my health and healing being first priority which means rest, rest and more rest.
Sunday 29 November 2015
Teamwork At It's Finest!
Today I really don't want to talk about my own journey so instead I will focus on the team as a whole.
This team is filled with strong, amazing people. They are each in their own way overcomers. Everyone has had personal struggles to deal with like injuries, work or school schedules, family issues. Most would likely say that they have not had the year they had planned when they signed up last fall. Yet each person has a unique story filled with amazing personal triumphs and growth.
There are times in life when you take a group of people and place them together and call them a team. The people can each individually be amazing yet they fail to truly come together. They are all individuals working towards something but that connection doesn't seem to happen. Their impact is simply the sum of each of their individual contributions. If everyone and everything is running perfectly, then this group of people will still have success.
Then there are times when something quite extraordinary happens. It is even hard to explain how or why but to witness and be a part of it is awesome. The Sheep Team is one of those groups that is simply quite extraordinary. I look at this past week. One team member put out a call for help on a goal. Now there are paper cranes strung up all over the kwoon and every day more are flooding in. Then the demo yesterday was fantastic! Each team member went out and really shone bright but even brighter was the obvious relationships that have formed. The team photos that were taken after the event shows a group of truly bonded people. The Sheep Team is infinitely stronger and greater than the sum of each of individual's contribution. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of it and I can't wait to see what else we can do together this year!
Sunday 22 November 2015
Learning to Embrace Rest
This week I have really struggled to write my blog post. The main purpose of blogging is to document our journey's - first for ourselves and then for others. For my own sake, I want to focus on the positive parts of my journey. It's like my own personal weekly pep talk. This week I desperately need to be able to give myself a pep talk but I've had troubles finding a way to approach that.
Back at the end of July I wrote a post on a book I had read. It was about being addicted to busy and finding rest. One of the warning issued by the book was to rest before life forces you to. I am right smack dab in the middle of a forced rest. This is a rest that I am struggling to embrace.
Since I am not able to find the words to give myself much of a pep talk, instead I will be honest about where I am at right now. I love being a part of the I Ho Chuan team. One of the things that I have been struggling with is letting down the team.
That said, I need to put myself first. My doctor has recommended that I rest as much as possible, and by rest she means horizontal with my eyes shut. I need to avoid getting my heart rate up. I need to rest my poor brain as much as possible. Many of the ways that I have used my entire life to manage stress have been placed on hold. I have had a cognitive brain function assessment and the results were not very good. It explains the brain fog and my inability to function the way that I always have. The bonus is, that brains heal. I just need to give mine a chance. Then just to throw some fun into the mix, they also diagnosed depression which apparently is pretty common in this situation.
Trying to process all of this has been very hard. I have had to take a good look at my goals and then release myself from the pursuit of some of them. That is the only way that I am going to be able to slow down and rest like I need to. This most certainly is NOT the year I had planned when I signed up a year ago but this is my reality today and I need to learn to embrace that. That said, I am not quitting. I will still be at the kwoon. I may or may not be on the mats but I will be there. Not only am I going to be there for the remainder of this year but I have talked to Sifu Brinker about next year's team.
Back at the end of July I wrote a post on a book I had read. It was about being addicted to busy and finding rest. One of the warning issued by the book was to rest before life forces you to. I am right smack dab in the middle of a forced rest. This is a rest that I am struggling to embrace.
Since I am not able to find the words to give myself much of a pep talk, instead I will be honest about where I am at right now. I love being a part of the I Ho Chuan team. One of the things that I have been struggling with is letting down the team.
That said, I need to put myself first. My doctor has recommended that I rest as much as possible, and by rest she means horizontal with my eyes shut. I need to avoid getting my heart rate up. I need to rest my poor brain as much as possible. Many of the ways that I have used my entire life to manage stress have been placed on hold. I have had a cognitive brain function assessment and the results were not very good. It explains the brain fog and my inability to function the way that I always have. The bonus is, that brains heal. I just need to give mine a chance. Then just to throw some fun into the mix, they also diagnosed depression which apparently is pretty common in this situation.
Trying to process all of this has been very hard. I have had to take a good look at my goals and then release myself from the pursuit of some of them. That is the only way that I am going to be able to slow down and rest like I need to. This most certainly is NOT the year I had planned when I signed up a year ago but this is my reality today and I need to learn to embrace that. That said, I am not quitting. I will still be at the kwoon. I may or may not be on the mats but I will be there. Not only am I going to be there for the remainder of this year but I have talked to Sifu Brinker about next year's team.
Thursday 12 November 2015
Reality check - Reevaluating the past week
In last week's blog I had a little pep talk with myself about being excellent instead of worrying about being perfect. My numbers this week were on the most part quite outstanding. On paper it would look like my journey is headed in the right direction. I had even written a blog post in my head this morning about how wonderful my week was. Then I received some perspective this afternoon and I am now unable to write that blog.
As you all know, I have been dealing with a few issues relating to my car accident in August. This past week had many positive moments in light of all of those struggles. I graduated from physio for the whiplash. I do have this lovely torture device to continue working out kinks going forward but I am so happy to have that all behind me.
The other major issue was the concussion that I sustained that day. I find this one harder to talk about. I was raised in a mind over matter home. Have a warm shower, put on a smile and eventually how you feel with catch up with your attitude. Sometimes this works, sometimes it just doesn't.
Today at the urging of some people much wiser than myself, I went to see a clinical neuropsychologist about my poor brain. Lately I have been feeling so much better. I even have had many moments where I have felt more like myself. I almost cancelled the appointment thinking it would be a waste of time and money. Turns out, it's a good thing I went.
My concussion is starting to heal. That's the good news. The bad news is that it is not gone and I am actually heading into one of the most important and most challenging parts of the healing process. The part where you feel like your old self but you really are not ready to jump fully into life with both feet quite yet.
So what did that look like this week... I had moments of great clarity. I had moments of complete scramble. I had moments where I was able to push myself physically and really get some great numbers in. I had other moments where I was hardly able to get out of bed due to fatigue. I had moments where I was calmly able to go about my day. I had moments where I was so irritable that I could hardly stand myself. Really doesn't sound too terribly abnormal in many cases until you have the connection pointed out. The positive highs were always followed by a low after I tried to do too much.
So what is too much? I really don't know for sure. I know that what I did this week is too much for right now. I have been assured that if I can just behave myself that this will finish healing likely in the next few months. I have also been assured that if I continue to push my way through this, like it is not happening, that I am not only slowing down the healing, I am outright preventing it. The prescription is rest, rest and more rest. The care plan I received has the warning to gradually return to daily activities as my symptoms decrease. Not to barrel back into them and hope that my poor brain can keep up. This is not what I wanted to hear. I just want all of this to be over. I want my old life back. I want to push towards mastery. For now I will have to settle for baby steps in the right direction.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 38:
Push ups 26,104
Sit ups 29,985
Kempo 259
Staff 375
Sparring 550
KM 607.0
AoK 736
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 739
Piano 48 hours
Books finished 21
Daily fruit - 186 days
365 photo challenge - 140 days
Daily journal - 228 days
Saturday 7 November 2015
Perfect vs Excellent
Perfectionism is the enemy of learning and growing and enjoying areas of life where we haven't achieved mastery. - Glynnis Whitwer
I have been reading a book that really focuses on understanding why people procrastinate so that we can then fight back. The the chapter that I just read really hit home. It was on taming perfectionist instincts. The beginning of the chapter really made me take a look at how I've been viewing my IHC year recently.
Last fall we all set goals. We started off in February full of excitement and possibility. For me, I've had a couple of significant hurdles thrown into my year for me to try to maneuver around. We all have had our own challenges to deal with, I know that I am not alone in this. So here we are at the final stretch of the year evaluating where we are at. If your anything like me, there are some goals that don't look like they may be fully achieved. In my case there are many goals that are sitting in this state. So what does that do to my motivation?
I have been struggling to get motivated lately. I think one of the main culprits is perfectionism. I want to achieve all my goals. This does not look like it may be possible, therefore my motivation to keep at it is inconsistent. It is very easy to buy into the whole why bother mentality. It makes it easier to push things off to tomorrow.
Instead of looking to be perfect, because seriously who can do that anyway, what if I looked at trying to be excellent. Excellence is doing my best. It is measured based on effort instead of purely on outcome. It leaves room for me to learn and grow from my successes and my obstacles. It leaves room to enjoy the journey even when it is not going perfectly as planned. It leaves room to feel successful even if my goals aren't perfectly reached. Excellence is placing the focus back on the journey instead of on the final outcome. That simple change in mindset is what I need to embrace as I finish out the last few months of this year.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 37:
Push ups 25,024
Sit ups 28,810
Kempo 248
Staff 355
Sparring 550
KM 560.5
AoK 714
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 719
Piano 48 hours
Books finished 20
Daily fruit - 180 days
365 photo challenge - 136 days
Daily journal - 223 days
I have been reading a book that really focuses on understanding why people procrastinate so that we can then fight back. The the chapter that I just read really hit home. It was on taming perfectionist instincts. The beginning of the chapter really made me take a look at how I've been viewing my IHC year recently.
Last fall we all set goals. We started off in February full of excitement and possibility. For me, I've had a couple of significant hurdles thrown into my year for me to try to maneuver around. We all have had our own challenges to deal with, I know that I am not alone in this. So here we are at the final stretch of the year evaluating where we are at. If your anything like me, there are some goals that don't look like they may be fully achieved. In my case there are many goals that are sitting in this state. So what does that do to my motivation?
I have been struggling to get motivated lately. I think one of the main culprits is perfectionism. I want to achieve all my goals. This does not look like it may be possible, therefore my motivation to keep at it is inconsistent. It is very easy to buy into the whole why bother mentality. It makes it easier to push things off to tomorrow.
Instead of looking to be perfect, because seriously who can do that anyway, what if I looked at trying to be excellent. Excellence is doing my best. It is measured based on effort instead of purely on outcome. It leaves room for me to learn and grow from my successes and my obstacles. It leaves room to enjoy the journey even when it is not going perfectly as planned. It leaves room to feel successful even if my goals aren't perfectly reached. Excellence is placing the focus back on the journey instead of on the final outcome. That simple change in mindset is what I need to embrace as I finish out the last few months of this year.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 37:
Push ups 25,024
Sit ups 28,810
Kempo 248
Staff 355
Sparring 550
KM 560.5
AoK 714
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 719
Piano 48 hours
Books finished 20
Daily fruit - 180 days
365 photo challenge - 136 days
Daily journal - 223 days
Monday 2 November 2015
Tiger Challenge
I have meant to write a blog about the Tiger Challenge last weekend for over a week now. I am really struggling with how to put it all into words. It was such an amazing day. It was also such a blur! This is the first year that I have actually taken part in the competition. Usually my focus is on my kids and supporting them as they shine for the judges and that is exactly what they did!
Here is a picture of Waylon receiving his medal for his weapons form. I was so impressed with what he showed the judges this year. In a way he walked away a little disappointed in himself this year which makes me so sad as his mama. This year at the forms seminar he started to learn Lao Gar. This form is crazy and busy and completely different from anything else he has ever learned. He did get about 60% of the way through it that day. He really wanted to compete with it this year but he was told he could only do it if he knew the entire form. Off he went to learn the last 40%. He worked very hard and the form that he did for the judges was by far the best he had ever done it. Except... The dreaded pause near the end.... He has had many moments while practicing where he is blanked momentarily and then recovered but never where he had his moment during the Tiger Challenge. He knew when he came off the mats that that pause (right smack in front of the judges) was not good for his marks. Yet seriously!!! This young man learned a form in a month that really is way above his pay grade and then performed it for a panel of black belts. As his mom, I think he rocked it out of the park! So proud.
As far as Waylon's day, my only disappointment was that I couldn't be there to watch his fight choreography with Kobe. I was in the other ring cheering as loudly as I could without being a distraction to the people competing in my own category.
Then we get to Georgia. She also had an amazing day. My sweet girl really struggles with anxiety but you would have never guessed. She went out there and just shone as she did her Kempo form for the judges. She was a little concerned that she was the only yellow belt competing against all the orange belts but in the end she won a silver medal. The confidence boost this gave her is something that I can't even put into words. Then the icing on the cake was the white stripe she received right after her medal. I'm really not sure which she was more excited about.
The next division she competed in was musical forms. About a week or so before the Tiger Challenge she asked me to teach her Stick at open training. We started just playing around with it and before long she was dead set on competing with it at the tournament BUT as a yellow belt, it was not part of her curriculum. I am so grateful for the opportunity that the creative musical forms provides for people like her. It really motivated her to learn something new and then to step out in front of a panel of black belts. She had a couple of bobbles through the form but really put out a great performance. Maybe she will be the next family member to learn Sifu Playter's staff form....
I was so wrapped up with being a mom, that when my divisions started right after Georgia's I really was not in the head space that I perhaps needed to be. First was the weapons division and I was up first. The exciting news is I did not drop my staff! Really that was my main goal for the day. Do not drop the staff. Huge sigh of relief.
The other individual division that I competed in was hand forms. I had had a conversation with Sifu Playter about how to manage nerves and adrenaline. I have been practicing Kempo as my I Ho Chuan form so it was an obvious choice. The issue was that it is so long - leaving too much time for nerves and adrenaline to build. He recommended a few places to try to recenter and refocus throughout the form. I'm not sure how I did with all that because I honestly do not remember doing my form that day. I actually had to ask if I had skipped part of the form because I really don't remember much of what happened after I stepped out on the mats. Once I managed to bring my level of inner chaos down, I was watching Waylon compete from afar in the ring on the opposite side of the kwoon. I was hoping they would take a really long time to add up the scores so that I could soak in what he was doing. As we were lining up to receive our results, he was being presented a gold medal over in the other ring. I am so grateful that I have another crazy mom friend who will stand beside me and whoop and cheer - even at moments when it may not seem like proper etiquette. I honestly don't remember who won the bronze medal in our division. When Ms. Csillag won the silver I clearly remember thinking that she really deserved a medal. Her form was great. When they announced that I won the gold medal I was shocked, and I did not hide it very well at all. I have been trying to process this portion of the day for over a week now and it is still a total blur.
The team form was a ton of fun. We had such a great time. I absolutely treasure the ladies in the morning class and I am so blessed to train along side them.
The Tiger Challenge was an opportunity that I have let slip by in the past. I am happy that this year I took that opportunity. I learned a lot by watching others and I learned a lot about myself. It was a great day!
Thursday 22 October 2015
Those Other Goals....
This past week I've spent some time evaluating where my focus has been through the journey this year has been so far. At the start of the year, the physical goals quite frankly seemed like nearly insurmountable walls. The thought of doing 50,000 of anything in a year seemed like a lot and then when you add the word push up after it, well.... Then you add in some of the physical challenges that I have had the opportunity to work through since the journey began and continue to work through daily. Needless to say, a huge portion of my focus has been on the physical requirements. On a daily basis these have been at the forefront of my mind through the journey.
But.... What about the other goals!!!
This year when I set my personal goals I really took a good look at what kind of life I would like to live. I looked closely at what I value and in many cases whether my life was pointing towards what I valued. Each one of my personal goals, all 14 of them, were set very deliberately with a very specific purpose. None of them are monumental, one time things. Really they all boil down to habits that I would like develop in my life. Habits require regular practice. Not huge overnight changes but incremental growth in the right direction.
So as we head towards the 3/4 mark of this year, I had to ask myself where I was at with all my goals. My physical goals are behind. I'm not going to make excuses. I am going to keep pressing forward to finish as strong as I can. In my continual quest to meet these physical goals, they have consumed my thinking and as a result many of my personal goals have fallen to the side. That is one of the problems with the small incremental changes in life - they only add up to something amazing if you actually do them! They are so easy to put off until tomorrow, after all it's only something small. Yet tomorrow never seems to dome. Honestly, I have not put in the effort required and as a result there are a few goals I had not even started.
This past week has been a hard one for me. I have been feeling a great deal of fatigue - both mentally and especially physically. My numbers were lower as a result. I did not give up and I did something each day, even when it felt really push, pull, drag. That said, I did make some progress on those neglected personal goals. It was a great reminder on how unbalanced my focus has been. The plan is now to try to refocus in a more balanced manner for the remainder of the year.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 35:
Push ups 24,439
Sit ups 27,740
Kempo 236
Staff 345
Sparring 530
KM 540.6
AoK 664
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 679
Piano 44.5 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 169 days
365 photo challenge - 133 days
Daily journal - 211 days
Friday 16 October 2015
When Being Ordinary is a Blessing
One lesson my parents always tried to impart on us as kids was no matter how bad you think life is, just take a look around and it will not take you long to find someone else with bigger problems than you have.
It's not that I think my life is bad. It is definitely not. My complaint often is more that is just very ordinary. I cringe at the thought of how many times that I have said, "I'm just a stay at home mom." My day is filled with refereeing kids, running a chauffeur service and attempting to keep our home afloat. Really very ordinary. I have had many days where I have struggled with just how plain and ordinary my life really is.
Today is NOT one of those days. Today was one of those days where I woke up and made a list of all the errands I needed to try to squish into my day around volunteering at the school to serve lunch. The list was long, so long that I knew I had to write it down just so that I could plan the most efficient way to get it all done and not forget anything. Nothing exciting - bottle depot, water store, bank, library, post office.... Ordinary and boring.
I arrived at the school a few minutes early. I was met by a dear friend in tears. Her marriage is in the process of unravelling and today her husband was moving out of their home. Her sense of normal ws being shattered.
Then shortly after another sweet gal that I have volunteered a lot with came in looking very pale and out of sorts. What many people do not realize is, she is fighting for her life right now. She has been battling cancer for over four years. She has already had three surgeries. She has another one scheduled for next week on the other side of the country. The meds they have her on have her so sick, yet she wanted to be at the school so she could serve lunch to her son, like any other week. She stuck around after lunch and helped me do up the deposit and take it to the bank.
Everywhere I looked there was so much hurt, so much brokenness.
Today my ordinary, boring life looks very appealing. Today I am thankful for my marriage, my kids and my health.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering... No I did not get all my errands done. Although I rocked out a record number of them this morning, I chose to spend time with someone who needed a distraction from her life this afternoon, someone who would needed just a little taste of ordinary.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 34:
Push ups 23,829
Sit ups 27,220
Kempo 229
Staff 343
Sparring 530
KM 525.1
AoK 638
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 658
Piano 43.25 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 163 days
365 photo challenge - 131 days
Daily journal - 205 days
Friday 9 October 2015
Choosing my Marinade
Last week at the meeting, Sifu Brinker asked me for an injury update. Physically I am feeling great. I have managed to really push through and work with the physical injuries. This is what I reported on at the meeting.
There is a whole other area that I did not report on - my mental game. To say that I have been really struggling mentally since the car accident would be a major understatement. It wasn't until the doctors diagnosed a concussion that I started to understand why I was living in a fog - a fog that has quite honestly not lifted. It has now been two months since my poor brain was sloshed around. It has been a very long two months.
When I first was told that it was a concussion, I thought no worries. Yes I have headaches, nausea and light sensitivity but once that all clears I'll be good to go. That has not been the case. They believe that the issue is in my frontal lobe - the place where we go to make decisions. Once the immediate physical issues subsided, I started to notice that decisions were overwhelming. I was the kind of girl who makes a plan and then sets about working the plan. I have been this way my entire life, until recently. Now I am a girl who is trying to work it but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around making the plan. My focus has been brutal as well. I try to start doing something and then SQUIRREL! The simplest tasks have become very challenging. Things I have always enjoyed doing or even just did without thinking now cause anxiety. My medical doctor felt that he had exhausted what he could do for me. Really, all he had to say was yes you have a concussion and please be really careful to not slosh it again soon. He warned that it could take up to two years for my poor brain to fully heal. His only piece of advice was to see therapist.
Another confession... I cringed at this advice. I did not want to go. At first I did not make the appointment but then I finally decided that I would give it a try since living in my head was quite a crazy place to be. At that first appointment we talked a lot about expectations. One of my first statements was that I was a month behind. He asked me how I could even begin to make a statement like that - how would you begin to measure something like that? Clearly, he has never done anything like the I Ho Chuan program. I did not get into the details of how I could actually quantify exactly how behind I was. Then he asked me how I would treat someone else who was having the same issues that I was having - would I judge them or would I treat them with kindness and grace. The message - I needed to be a whole bunch less critical of myself and give myself some grace while I heal.
So I set off to work on that for two weeks. I did make some progress on being nice to myself. I did not make a ton of progress on being a whole month behind. I'm still at least that far behind in life - now I'm just learning to accept that this is where I am at for this season.
Yesterday was my two week check in with him. Despite all the progress I was making, I was still extremely frustrated. The fog, the anxiety, the chronic distractedness... It is getting to me. Then came the two year healing period reminder and that really I was only at two months. More grace needed...
Then came the chat about my role in the healing process. My brain is struggling and is working as hard as it can to heal. I have a choice to make - will I help with that healing or not. His words were, "will you marinade your brain in tonics or toxins." Every thought, feeling, emotion produces different hormone and chemical reactions in our brains. I need to make a choice whether or not I am going to let my brain soak in happy hormones or angry, frustrated ones. Happy tonics equal faster healing and a better outcome (a brain I want to live with). He also suggested that I start doing mindfulness training to help increase my ability to focus.
I have really tried taking to heart his suggestions and the last two days have been a bit better. I am really trying to be very aware of the marinade I am soaking my brain in. I am really trying to laugh about the very routine things that I forget to do (like cooking dinner or getting the groceries). The goal is to look back on this time period and have my kids say, "remember the time when mom lost her marbles and we all laughed about it."
Now as for my numbers, it has been a very long time since I posted them. There is an honest reason for that. I am not happy with them. I had really built up a great momentum, then it very nearly stopped. That momentum is slowly starting to rebuild. I have come to terms with the fact that for most of my goals, I will not reach what I set out to do. Now the focus has shifted to finishing this year strong.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 33:
Push ups 23,159
Sit ups 26,470
Kempo 225
Staff 312
Sparring 530
KM 505.5
AoK 620
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 636
Piano 42.6 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 159 days
365 photo challenge - 130 days
Daily journal - 198 days
There is a whole other area that I did not report on - my mental game. To say that I have been really struggling mentally since the car accident would be a major understatement. It wasn't until the doctors diagnosed a concussion that I started to understand why I was living in a fog - a fog that has quite honestly not lifted. It has now been two months since my poor brain was sloshed around. It has been a very long two months.
When I first was told that it was a concussion, I thought no worries. Yes I have headaches, nausea and light sensitivity but once that all clears I'll be good to go. That has not been the case. They believe that the issue is in my frontal lobe - the place where we go to make decisions. Once the immediate physical issues subsided, I started to notice that decisions were overwhelming. I was the kind of girl who makes a plan and then sets about working the plan. I have been this way my entire life, until recently. Now I am a girl who is trying to work it but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around making the plan. My focus has been brutal as well. I try to start doing something and then SQUIRREL! The simplest tasks have become very challenging. Things I have always enjoyed doing or even just did without thinking now cause anxiety. My medical doctor felt that he had exhausted what he could do for me. Really, all he had to say was yes you have a concussion and please be really careful to not slosh it again soon. He warned that it could take up to two years for my poor brain to fully heal. His only piece of advice was to see therapist.
Another confession... I cringed at this advice. I did not want to go. At first I did not make the appointment but then I finally decided that I would give it a try since living in my head was quite a crazy place to be. At that first appointment we talked a lot about expectations. One of my first statements was that I was a month behind. He asked me how I could even begin to make a statement like that - how would you begin to measure something like that? Clearly, he has never done anything like the I Ho Chuan program. I did not get into the details of how I could actually quantify exactly how behind I was. Then he asked me how I would treat someone else who was having the same issues that I was having - would I judge them or would I treat them with kindness and grace. The message - I needed to be a whole bunch less critical of myself and give myself some grace while I heal.
So I set off to work on that for two weeks. I did make some progress on being nice to myself. I did not make a ton of progress on being a whole month behind. I'm still at least that far behind in life - now I'm just learning to accept that this is where I am at for this season.
Yesterday was my two week check in with him. Despite all the progress I was making, I was still extremely frustrated. The fog, the anxiety, the chronic distractedness... It is getting to me. Then came the two year healing period reminder and that really I was only at two months. More grace needed...
Then came the chat about my role in the healing process. My brain is struggling and is working as hard as it can to heal. I have a choice to make - will I help with that healing or not. His words were, "will you marinade your brain in tonics or toxins." Every thought, feeling, emotion produces different hormone and chemical reactions in our brains. I need to make a choice whether or not I am going to let my brain soak in happy hormones or angry, frustrated ones. Happy tonics equal faster healing and a better outcome (a brain I want to live with). He also suggested that I start doing mindfulness training to help increase my ability to focus.
I have really tried taking to heart his suggestions and the last two days have been a bit better. I am really trying to be very aware of the marinade I am soaking my brain in. I am really trying to laugh about the very routine things that I forget to do (like cooking dinner or getting the groceries). The goal is to look back on this time period and have my kids say, "remember the time when mom lost her marbles and we all laughed about it."
Now as for my numbers, it has been a very long time since I posted them. There is an honest reason for that. I am not happy with them. I had really built up a great momentum, then it very nearly stopped. That momentum is slowly starting to rebuild. I have come to terms with the fact that for most of my goals, I will not reach what I set out to do. Now the focus has shifted to finishing this year strong.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 33:
Push ups 23,159
Sit ups 26,470
Kempo 225
Staff 312
Sparring 530
KM 505.5
AoK 620
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 636
Piano 42.6 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 159 days
365 photo challenge - 130 days
Daily journal - 198 days
Friday 2 October 2015
A Sammie-Sized Hole...
Memories are an amazing thing. Something can happen so very long ago, yet we can remember that day, that moment like it just happened.
Just before Christmas in 2001 I received a very excited phone call from Chad. He was out running errands to prepare for our first Christmas together as a married couple. He wanted to know exactly where I was. I was sitting on the C-Train. He told me to get off at the last stop and to stay put until he could come get me instead of getting on the bus like I usually did. I had no idea what was going on but did as he asked. He showed up and he was so excited that I thought he was going to burst.
Like I said, he was out running errands. One of the things he was to get was week-long fish feeders for our aquarium. That day instead of fish food, he bought me a puppy for Christmas. He dragged me to this bin filled with the sweetest little furballs and told me to pick one out. There was one who was a little smaller than the others but had so much spunk. That night we took that sweet girl home.
I remember getting home and Chad asking me what her name was. I had no idea what to name her. He went to take a shower and told me to have a name for her by the time he got out. I remember laying on the floor of our condo lying looking face to face with my new sweet girl. By the time he came out, my sweet Sammie was named and had starting wrapping herself around my heart.
Over the years we have so many great memories with her. She went everywhere with us. She slept in our bed every night for about 11 years. She loved the kids as our little family grew. She wrapped her sweet puppy love around everyone who met her.
Back in July she really started to have some health issues but always seemed to rally. She had really seemed to stabilize and life was so good - that is until Tuesday. That morning she got up like she usually did. She ate her breakfast like a trooper but really seemed to have a hard time settling down afterwards. As the day went on she became extremely disoriented. By supper, she was no longer really interested in her food. I kept telling myself that she had had this happen before and that she would rally.
Wednesday morning she was so much worse. She was hardly able to stand. She could no longer walk. She did not want to eat. Her balance was so off. That morning when I picked her up and looked into her terrified eyes, I knew something had to be done to help her. We called to vet and made an appointment for later that day.
Just before Christmas in 2001 I received a very excited phone call from Chad. He was out running errands to prepare for our first Christmas together as a married couple. He wanted to know exactly where I was. I was sitting on the C-Train. He told me to get off at the last stop and to stay put until he could come get me instead of getting on the bus like I usually did. I had no idea what was going on but did as he asked. He showed up and he was so excited that I thought he was going to burst.
Like I said, he was out running errands. One of the things he was to get was week-long fish feeders for our aquarium. That day instead of fish food, he bought me a puppy for Christmas. He dragged me to this bin filled with the sweetest little furballs and told me to pick one out. There was one who was a little smaller than the others but had so much spunk. That night we took that sweet girl home.
I remember getting home and Chad asking me what her name was. I had no idea what to name her. He went to take a shower and told me to have a name for her by the time he got out. I remember laying on the floor of our condo lying looking face to face with my new sweet girl. By the time he came out, my sweet Sammie was named and had starting wrapping herself around my heart.
Over the years we have so many great memories with her. She went everywhere with us. She slept in our bed every night for about 11 years. She loved the kids as our little family grew. She wrapped her sweet puppy love around everyone who met her.
Back in July she really started to have some health issues but always seemed to rally. She had really seemed to stabilize and life was so good - that is until Tuesday. That morning she got up like she usually did. She ate her breakfast like a trooper but really seemed to have a hard time settling down afterwards. As the day went on she became extremely disoriented. By supper, she was no longer really interested in her food. I kept telling myself that she had had this happen before and that she would rally.
Wednesday morning she was so much worse. She was hardly able to stand. She could no longer walk. She did not want to eat. Her balance was so off. That morning when I picked her up and looked into her terrified eyes, I knew something had to be done to help her. We called to vet and made an appointment for later that day.
That afternoon, I managed to get in the best puppy snuggle. She settled down into the most restful sleep. I sat and listened to her sweet puppy snores. I almost cancelled the vet appointment. I knew what was coming and I didn't know if I could do it. It took everything in me to wake up my sweet Sammie girl and take her to her appointment.
Once we were at the vet, it became very clear that there was nothing more that the vet could really do for my sweet girl. They could try to relieve her nausea but the rest of her symptoms could not be treated. The vet believes that my girl had a brain tumour. I knew that I could not look into her little eyes another day and see the fear that I had seen earlier that day. With Chad by my side, I hugged my sweet girl, gave her a kiss and told her I loved her as she crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Then I looked at my husband and thanked him for the best Christmas gift ever. It was one of the hardest yet obvious decisions that I have ever had to make.
The rest of this week has been hard. I have a Sammie-sized hole in my heart. I miss her more than I can begin to express. I know with time my heart will start to heal and the memories will be all the sweeter but in the meantime....
Sunday 27 September 2015
Why can't I just write a blog...
Here I sit... I have this post open... I have typed a first sentence numerous times and then deleted it. I just really don't know how to start or where to start.
Why do we blog? We blog to document our journey, not only for ourselves but for others. It is a form of accountability. You can't hide if you are posting regularly. Personally, I have a view of what I hope to accomplish when I blog. I want to not only encourage others with my journey but really I want to encourage myself. I see it as a pep talk to myself.
This has been the issue lately. I have struggled to find encouraging things to blog about. The past month has been very tough. My numbers are terrible. I have quit posting them because I am disappointed. I am hiding and I need to stop.
Friday was a perfect example of wanting to hide. I debated on whether or not to go to class. I debated on stepping back and sitting on the bench. I am still struggling with the physical and mental aftermath of my car accident. I just didn't feel up to it. Instead I convinced myself to get on the mats so that I would not let the team down for demo practice. Then Sifu Brinker hit us with the surprise full run through of each of our weapons forms. I felt physically ill. I have not put in the time and reps that I should have. I was so not ready to perform. I wanted to run for the parking lot.
Instead I sucked it and stepped out onto the mats when it was my turn. I was terrified but managed to fumble my way through my form. The feedback was gracious and encouraging. Even with that, I know that I am not where I should be. I know I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I am not proud of the performance that I put in but I am proud that I did step out and try.
The way I felt was so strongly contrasted to how I felt on Saturday at the forms seminar. Saturday was an amazing experience. I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon trying to learn a new form. It was an ambitious choice but exciting. We managed to get about 60% of the way through. Then it was time to step out on the mats in front of a panel of black belts to perform. I did not feel nearly as nervous this time. I fumbled my way through again. Once again the feedback was gracious and encouraging. Yet, after I felt on top of the world.
So what was the difference? The difference was the expectations that I placed upon myself. Our expectations of ourselves can push us towards mastery or it can paralyze us with fear or allow us to rip ourselves to shreds. I have spent a lot of time over the past month or so ripping myself to shreds. This has not served me, not even in the slightest. It has caused me to want to hide from the people who can help me most. It is time for me to start being kinder to myself and to step out of hiding. This blog is my first step in that direction.
Why do we blog? We blog to document our journey, not only for ourselves but for others. It is a form of accountability. You can't hide if you are posting regularly. Personally, I have a view of what I hope to accomplish when I blog. I want to not only encourage others with my journey but really I want to encourage myself. I see it as a pep talk to myself.
This has been the issue lately. I have struggled to find encouraging things to blog about. The past month has been very tough. My numbers are terrible. I have quit posting them because I am disappointed. I am hiding and I need to stop.
Friday was a perfect example of wanting to hide. I debated on whether or not to go to class. I debated on stepping back and sitting on the bench. I am still struggling with the physical and mental aftermath of my car accident. I just didn't feel up to it. Instead I convinced myself to get on the mats so that I would not let the team down for demo practice. Then Sifu Brinker hit us with the surprise full run through of each of our weapons forms. I felt physically ill. I have not put in the time and reps that I should have. I was so not ready to perform. I wanted to run for the parking lot.
Instead I sucked it and stepped out onto the mats when it was my turn. I was terrified but managed to fumble my way through my form. The feedback was gracious and encouraging. Even with that, I know that I am not where I should be. I know I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I am not proud of the performance that I put in but I am proud that I did step out and try.
The way I felt was so strongly contrasted to how I felt on Saturday at the forms seminar. Saturday was an amazing experience. I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon trying to learn a new form. It was an ambitious choice but exciting. We managed to get about 60% of the way through. Then it was time to step out on the mats in front of a panel of black belts to perform. I did not feel nearly as nervous this time. I fumbled my way through again. Once again the feedback was gracious and encouraging. Yet, after I felt on top of the world.
So what was the difference? The difference was the expectations that I placed upon myself. Our expectations of ourselves can push us towards mastery or it can paralyze us with fear or allow us to rip ourselves to shreds. I have spent a lot of time over the past month or so ripping myself to shreds. This has not served me, not even in the slightest. It has caused me to want to hide from the people who can help me most. It is time for me to start being kinder to myself and to step out of hiding. This blog is my first step in that direction.
Sunday 20 September 2015
Great Day
Tuesday marked the 14th anniversary of one of the best days of my life. While a huge portion of the world was mourning and just trying to get their bearings, I stood in front of family and friends and said "I do" to my best friend. We have been blessed with fourteen years. Those years have not always been easy and we have had to put in a lot of work to be where we are but our marriage is even better today than it was on that day.
Yet, when I woke up on Tuesday, I had a choice to make. As is often the case, Chad's work schedule does not respect special occasions. He was away working up north about mid-way through a 20 day shift. We have probably spent more anniversaries separated by distance than together. So what's a girl to do? Well this girl decided to get out of bed and have a great day.
He was the first person I talked to that morning. One of the funny things with the shift he is on, we get to talk first thing every morning as he is driving back to camp. For me it was a great way to start my day. For him it is a way to end his since he has been on nights.
After that, I had an all about me day. First stop was the knee specialist. She has officially released me unless it starts to give me trouble. My injured knee is only slightly less stable than my good knee. She believes that I am one of the lucky few who grows scar tissue in just the right places. Works for me! I still need to work with my physiotherapist but with time she feels that I can get my knee back to about 95% of where it was before my failed landing.
The second stop was for a haircut. The same gal has been cutting my hair for years. Going to see her is like sitting down for a cup of tea with a great friend, belly laughs included. So much fun!
The final stop on the all about me day was a piano lesson. There must have been something in the air. Belly laughs were happening there too... The last month I have had a hard time motivating myself to sit down and play. This was exactly what I needed to get me re-energized. We have bitten off a song that is really going to stretch me plus a couple of fun ones.
After the kids came home from school, we had a family dinner and then it was off to kung fu. This was truly the icing on the cake! Tuesday nights mean intermediate black dragons. I absolutely love these kids.
I ended the day with another chat with my handsome hubbie.
I could have wallowed in the fact that I was spending yet another anniversary away from my husband. I could have let this wreck my whole day. Instead I chose to have a great day and it far exceeded any expectation that I had for it. We have an errand/date day planned for when he is home next week so we will just have to celebrate our anniversary together then.
Friday 11 September 2015
Remembering
Today is a day when people remember. Ask anyone over a certain age and they will be able to tell you where they were and what they did on September 11, 2001. I remember exactly where I was on that morning. I also know that every year on this date my mom recounts her story. On that Tuesday morning she sat in her living room watching the footage of the Twin Towers. It seemed so surreal. Then she went and picked up my wedding dress for me. While the entire world was mourning, our family was preparing for a celebration.
During a week where the whole world was reflecting on life and family, I still remember how grateful I was. While the world was turned upside down, my family was getting ready to gather. I was getting ready to say "I Do" to my best friend. We were blessed that only one guest was not able to attend due to flight cancellations. One very special lady, my Great Aunt Dorothy had flown in from San Diego earlier in the month. This sweet lady did not make it home to Canada very often so she had come for a nice long visit. She is one of my favourite people in this world. I remember how grateful I was that she could be there. This was her last trip back to Canada.
 |
| Our wedding day with Great Aunt Dorothy and my Grandma. |
I also remember how blessed I felt nearly 11 years later. We had planned a family trip to Disneyland and we made sure that we carved out a day in San Diego devoted to seeing Aunt Dorothy. I will be forever grateful that my children had the opportunity to meet this amazing woman.
 |
| August 2012 - Family Trip to California |
What was so amazing about her? She was one of the spunkiest people I have ever met. She came of age during the war. She was there the day that my grandma met her soldier before he shipped off to war. She never did meet her soul mate. She was not blessed with a husband or children so she took extra care to love on her nieces and nephews and all of their children. She told the best stories which often ended with a wink and a statement like "it was wartime you know". She was strong. She was independent. She worked hard. She loved well. She lived fully. She had the best appetite and was always on the lookout for something sweet to eat. Everywhere she went, she was able to strike up a conversation with a stranger that within minutes became a new friend. I really could go on and on.
So you may ask why am I remembering all of this on today of all days... Fourteen years ago I felt so blessed to have her close. Today I feel so grateful that she is no longer suffering even as my heart aches. Today heaven gained another sweet angel. I sure hope they were ready for her.
Saturday 5 September 2015
Getting Back on the Tracks
We see them every day. If we are lucky, we don't get stuck at the tracks waiting for them. Trains are a daily part of our lives. They transport pretty much everything imaginable to nearly every part of our country. What people often don't realize is how often this seemingly reliable form of transportation is actually off its tracks. As the wife of a crane operator, I have had an inside view to how often this happens. They come off the tracks at all times of the day and the night. For years, we knew that the phone ringing in the middle of the night instantly meant another call out.
Many times the derailment was just a car or two off the tracks in the railyard. They weren't travelling fast. One or two quick lifts and the train is back on the tracks and off and away they go again.
Many times the derailment is much more extensive but still after a day of hard work, they are back on the rails and going again.
Then there are the devastating derailments where all the cars must be cleared away and nothing is salvageable. These cleanups can take weeks at times to get completely cleared up.
This year I have watched both myself and my teammates battle varying degrees of derailments in our year. In some cases, it is a change in schedule. We make a small adjustment and away we go. We get sick/injured or a loved one gets sick or we get called away to work. We make bigger adjustments.
Right now I feel like I am at the tail end of a clean up for the last type of derailment. It has been a very long and frustrating four weeks. Many of the physical symptoms that I have struggled with the past while have really started to subside, especially with my poor brain. I am starting to train slowly and carefully again but it is exactly that - slow. I can not get over how much strength I have lost over the past month. I try to keep reminding myself that I am still stronger now, even after the break, than I was at the start of the year but.... It still feels like starting all over again. I am extremely frustrated and struggling with anger over the entire situation.
Yet I will not allow this to derail my entire year. In all likelihood, many of my goals will not be reached this year. With the hurdles, obstacles and derailments I have dealt with in the first half of the year, it seems unlikely. That said, I am going to honor the first goal that we all agreed to. I will not give up. I will not quit. I will keep showing up. I will keep pushing forward. I am putting this train back on the tracks.
Many times the derailment was just a car or two off the tracks in the railyard. They weren't travelling fast. One or two quick lifts and the train is back on the tracks and off and away they go again.
Many times the derailment is much more extensive but still after a day of hard work, they are back on the rails and going again.
Then there are the devastating derailments where all the cars must be cleared away and nothing is salvageable. These cleanups can take weeks at times to get completely cleared up.
This year I have watched both myself and my teammates battle varying degrees of derailments in our year. In some cases, it is a change in schedule. We make a small adjustment and away we go. We get sick/injured or a loved one gets sick or we get called away to work. We make bigger adjustments.
Right now I feel like I am at the tail end of a clean up for the last type of derailment. It has been a very long and frustrating four weeks. Many of the physical symptoms that I have struggled with the past while have really started to subside, especially with my poor brain. I am starting to train slowly and carefully again but it is exactly that - slow. I can not get over how much strength I have lost over the past month. I try to keep reminding myself that I am still stronger now, even after the break, than I was at the start of the year but.... It still feels like starting all over again. I am extremely frustrated and struggling with anger over the entire situation.
Yet I will not allow this to derail my entire year. In all likelihood, many of my goals will not be reached this year. With the hurdles, obstacles and derailments I have dealt with in the first half of the year, it seems unlikely. That said, I am going to honor the first goal that we all agreed to. I will not give up. I will not quit. I will keep showing up. I will keep pushing forward. I am putting this train back on the tracks.
Thursday 27 August 2015
I Need A Bigger Eraser
My name is Karen and I am a control freak. There I said it.
I am the kind of girl who makes a decision (usually fairly quickly), makes a plan (with a list of to do's) and then works the plan. This started at a fairly young age. When I was single, it was fairly easy. Then when I got married, it was a little more challenging but since Chad worked away a lot, I still had a great deal of control. Then we had kids.....
The past twelve years have been an education and on many days an exercise in frustration. I would love to report that I no longer need to be in control but that would be a lie.
This past month has been especially frustrating. I had my goals. I had my plan. I was working the plan. It was going well. Then the accident stopped all of that. My well planned out life needed to be adjusted. All of a sudden there were tons of appointments and even more restrictions on what I could do. I am happy to say that I think we are having a lot of success in treating the whiplash.
Now the issue is the lingering concussion. One of the most lovely side affects has been difficulty in making simple decisions. Add in a plan that I am no longer able to work and there is a lot of frustration mixed with mental fatigue.
This week has been no different. I was so grateful that my hubby was able to finally get home on Sunday night. We were supposed to leave to go camping Wednesday. Monday morning the phone rings. It is his mom letting us know that his grandma had passed away.
Monday was filled with phone calls, changing plans, new plans, scrapping those plans and starting over. We now have a plan. We leave in the morning. Instead of heading west with the trailer, we are heading east. The funeral is Tuesday in Saskatchewan so we are turning the trip into a holiday.
This week has been filled with constantly changing plans. My poor calendar on the kitchen wall has had quite a workout.
All that to say, years ago a very wise control freak (my mom) gave me some great advice. Write everything in pencil so that you can erase it if needed. I think I need a bigger eraser.
Thursday 20 August 2015
Challenge Issued - Will You Accept?
What two things do we love here at SRKF? Our charities and training of course!
What if there was another way to combine these two loves?
SCARS posted on Facebook the other day that they are now on ResQwalk. This is a great little app that you can download for free. Every week there is a pool of money available to be given to the rescue organizations that are signed up. The pool is then distributed each week based on their total distance in proportion to the other rescues.
I have downloaded the app and have taken a couple of walks. Will you join me to help the precious furbabies at SCARS?
What if there was another way to combine these two loves?
SCARS posted on Facebook the other day that they are now on ResQwalk. This is a great little app that you can download for free. Every week there is a pool of money available to be given to the rescue organizations that are signed up. The pool is then distributed each week based on their total distance in proportion to the other rescues.
I have downloaded the app and have taken a couple of walks. Will you join me to help the precious furbabies at SCARS?
Monday 17 August 2015
Reflections : The Halfway Mark
Life is a crazy, constantly changing thing. We are encouraged to live in the moment to get the most out of life - that is where the action actually happens. Yet to truly get the most out of life, there are times where it is important to pause and look at where we started and where we are right now.
Did you guys even realize that this weekend marked the half way point of our I Ho Chuan year?!? It seems like yesterday that we were all celebrating the start of this year. Yet, it feels like an eternity has passed since that date as well.
This past six months, I have definitely had a unique journey from most of the team. I do not believe in luck, which is a good thing because then I would really have to wonder... I do believe in learning experiences. That is what this year has tossed my way. I have had two major stops in my training. I have had to fight back. Many people would have packed it in, especially after the knee injury at the two week mark. Just as I was really hitting a great rhythm, now I am at the start of a new pause as I deal with the soft tissue injuries from my car accident. More learning experiences than I thought I'd get in such a short time period.
Milestone dates and pauses... These provide the time and the context to reflect - to really look back.
At the start of this year, I really did not believe that I could obtain the physical goals. The thought of doing 50,000 push ups in a lifetime seemed pretty far out there, let alone in one year. Seriously, I could only do 3 push ups at a time. That is a lot of sets... And really, who would want to. Push ups are really hard. My biggest obstacle was that I didn't believe that I had it in me.
I am not able to tell you that I am at that magical 25,000 mark. I can tell you that in the first six months of this year is did do 20,634 push ups. When I look at that number it blows my mind. The next thing that is blowing my mind is that in the past week I have had to stop doing push ups - and I actually miss them.
I just looked back over my daily log. March 4th I had hardly anything to report expect for 6 hours in emergency with Sifu Rybak. My next reportable km were on March 10th. I managed to walk 1.5 km and it only took me 42 minutes. That was a huge moment for me. Now to think that I have put on nearly 425 km walking with my sweet hound after that injury (only now at a much faster pace).
That is just couple of examples of the changes this year has already brought into my life. I have gone from doubting my own abilities completely to truly starting to believe that perhaps someday I could dream about a black belt. I have had to fight hard. I am finding out what I am made of. I am finding that the more I have to fight, the more I want it.
I have promised my physiotherapist that I will behave for the next week or so but then I am coming back swinging. So far this journey has been beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can hardly wait to see what is in store for the second half of the year.
Did you guys even realize that this weekend marked the half way point of our I Ho Chuan year?!? It seems like yesterday that we were all celebrating the start of this year. Yet, it feels like an eternity has passed since that date as well.
This past six months, I have definitely had a unique journey from most of the team. I do not believe in luck, which is a good thing because then I would really have to wonder... I do believe in learning experiences. That is what this year has tossed my way. I have had two major stops in my training. I have had to fight back. Many people would have packed it in, especially after the knee injury at the two week mark. Just as I was really hitting a great rhythm, now I am at the start of a new pause as I deal with the soft tissue injuries from my car accident. More learning experiences than I thought I'd get in such a short time period.
Milestone dates and pauses... These provide the time and the context to reflect - to really look back.
At the start of this year, I really did not believe that I could obtain the physical goals. The thought of doing 50,000 push ups in a lifetime seemed pretty far out there, let alone in one year. Seriously, I could only do 3 push ups at a time. That is a lot of sets... And really, who would want to. Push ups are really hard. My biggest obstacle was that I didn't believe that I had it in me.
I am not able to tell you that I am at that magical 25,000 mark. I can tell you that in the first six months of this year is did do 20,634 push ups. When I look at that number it blows my mind. The next thing that is blowing my mind is that in the past week I have had to stop doing push ups - and I actually miss them.
I just looked back over my daily log. March 4th I had hardly anything to report expect for 6 hours in emergency with Sifu Rybak. My next reportable km were on March 10th. I managed to walk 1.5 km and it only took me 42 minutes. That was a huge moment for me. Now to think that I have put on nearly 425 km walking with my sweet hound after that injury (only now at a much faster pace).
That is just couple of examples of the changes this year has already brought into my life. I have gone from doubting my own abilities completely to truly starting to believe that perhaps someday I could dream about a black belt. I have had to fight hard. I am finding out what I am made of. I am finding that the more I have to fight, the more I want it.
I have promised my physiotherapist that I will behave for the next week or so but then I am coming back swinging. So far this journey has been beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I can hardly wait to see what is in store for the second half of the year.
Thursday 13 August 2015
Week 25 - That Old Saying...
"How am I doing?" This is the question that I am asked the most followed quickly by - "Is there anything I can do for you?" I struggle with both of these questions. First of all, I have a hard time admitting when I am struggling. Second of all, I find it even harder to ask for help. I am used to just handling everything life throws my way.
So the answer to the first question is...
This week has been a tough one. Honestly, I am struggling with whiplash after the accident on Saturday. I have had a headache pretty much since Sunday morning. When it is at it's worst, I need to go lay down. It is causing lots of nausea. My appetite is way down to the point there are times where I have forgotten to eat. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is not a common occurrence. I am fighting a lot of brain fog as well. Emotionally I am all over the map. Most days this week have consisted of figuring out what absolutely has to happen and then putting one foot in front of the other.
So where is my training at? Well, the physical side has pretty much ceased to exist since Saturday. I am finding that the day to day dealings of life with the addition of a gazillion calls with insurance stuff has drained most of my energy. I am still figuring out where I am and then I will start working on what I can do. I need to be careful. I want this to heal properly. Unfortunately, I seem to be unable to break myself in such a way that there is a quick fix...
Now for the second question... Right now, please just keep being the amazing people that you all are. I appreciate all of your encouragement, kindness and concern. For the time being, I will be likely riding the bench for a bit. Please know that that is not where my heart is. It is on the mats.
So the answer to the first question is...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck.
That is the answer I gave my hubbie on Sunday morning when he called to check on me. Seems like a fitting answer. It is the truth. This week has been a tough one. Honestly, I am struggling with whiplash after the accident on Saturday. I have had a headache pretty much since Sunday morning. When it is at it's worst, I need to go lay down. It is causing lots of nausea. My appetite is way down to the point there are times where I have forgotten to eat. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is not a common occurrence. I am fighting a lot of brain fog as well. Emotionally I am all over the map. Most days this week have consisted of figuring out what absolutely has to happen and then putting one foot in front of the other.
So where is my training at? Well, the physical side has pretty much ceased to exist since Saturday. I am finding that the day to day dealings of life with the addition of a gazillion calls with insurance stuff has drained most of my energy. I am still figuring out where I am and then I will start working on what I can do. I need to be careful. I want this to heal properly. Unfortunately, I seem to be unable to break myself in such a way that there is a quick fix...
Now for the second question... Right now, please just keep being the amazing people that you all are. I appreciate all of your encouragement, kindness and concern. For the time being, I will be likely riding the bench for a bit. Please know that that is not where my heart is. It is on the mats.
Saturday 8 August 2015
Life Happened....
Today had the potential to be awesome! I was a girl with a plan. My sweet little furbaby had a checkup at the vet. After that mow part of the lawn, feed my urchins and then off to open training. Then pop them home before the meeting. The plan for the evening was make them a nice meal and have a family movie night. Plans are great aren't they! That is until life happens....
Today life happened. Our vet checkup went awesome considering the month my sweet girl has had. I was on my way home with a full and thankful heart. Than life happened. It happened so fast. I could see it coming but I was unable to react fast enough to stop it. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the truck coming. Then through the stop sign he flew without even slowing down. I swerved but not in time. Before I knew it my van is two lanes of traffic over and facing the other direction. Airbags have deployed all over the place. Life happened...
So what's a girl to do when life happens... I could wallow in the fact that my van is a complete write off. I could bemoan the fact that my hubbie is stuck in Fort Mac when I really need him here. I could focus on all the ouchie spots that seem to be popping out of nowhere as time passes.
Today I am choosing to be grateful instead. I walked away from this accident. I opened my own door and got out of my vehicle on my own steam. My sweet little furbaby seems to be completely unharmed by the experience. I am grateful that my children were not in the van with me. They were spared serious injury and trauma. I am grateful for all the witnesses who stopped and took such good care of me. In particular there were two couples in separate vehicles who almost seemed to jump into parent mode. I am grateful for the EMS guy who was so gentle and reassuring when I could not even think straight. I am grateful for the firemen who brought over a bottle of water for Sammie and I to share in the heat of the morning. I am grateful for the big, burly tow truck driver who stood on the side of road holding my little one's leash while I pulled all our kung fu gear and weapons out of the back of my van and removed most of our personal belongings. I am grateful for the police officer who reassured me that the other driver was being very cooperative and accepting the full blame of the accident. I am grateful for the other police officer who drove me home. I am grateful that my hubbie was able to call me so quickly and be there for me the best he could from afar. I am grateful that the man at the claims department of our insurance company had just the right blend of kindness, sympathy and humour to lighten up the situation. I am grateful that my doctor's office was able to squeeze me in on Monday morning to record and properly assess my physical damages. I am grateful that my parents were willing to drop everything and come to my rescue if I needed them to even though they do not live here. I am especially grateful for all the amazing hugs my sweet kids have been giving me all day long. I really could go on and on. Today I was greatly blessed even as life happened.
The other thing I chose to do today was to carry on the best I could given the situation. The thought crossed my mind to skip today's meeting. Really, who wouldn't have understood my absence. I had to make a choice. I really wanted to stay home. I really did not want to drive again - the thought was actually terrifying to me. I wasn't sure I would be able to hold it together and I did not want to fall apart. But, I went anyway... I want to apologize to the team for not being my usual self today but all I had to offer was my warm body in attendance. I was not able to truly focus on much of what was said. I also want to thank Mr. Sand. I do not know you well but you are an amazingly perceptive person. It meant so much to me that you noticed that I was not my usual self and then made the effort to actually come over and ask me if I was alright. Thank you. Yet another thing to be grateful for.
The kids and I finished the night off with a less than stellar dinner and a movie. Now I am going to head off to bed and my plan is to be grateful again tomorrow morning for whatever the day has to offer.
Today life happened. Our vet checkup went awesome considering the month my sweet girl has had. I was on my way home with a full and thankful heart. Than life happened. It happened so fast. I could see it coming but I was unable to react fast enough to stop it. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the truck coming. Then through the stop sign he flew without even slowing down. I swerved but not in time. Before I knew it my van is two lanes of traffic over and facing the other direction. Airbags have deployed all over the place. Life happened...
So what's a girl to do when life happens... I could wallow in the fact that my van is a complete write off. I could bemoan the fact that my hubbie is stuck in Fort Mac when I really need him here. I could focus on all the ouchie spots that seem to be popping out of nowhere as time passes.
Today I am choosing to be grateful instead. I walked away from this accident. I opened my own door and got out of my vehicle on my own steam. My sweet little furbaby seems to be completely unharmed by the experience. I am grateful that my children were not in the van with me. They were spared serious injury and trauma. I am grateful for all the witnesses who stopped and took such good care of me. In particular there were two couples in separate vehicles who almost seemed to jump into parent mode. I am grateful for the EMS guy who was so gentle and reassuring when I could not even think straight. I am grateful for the firemen who brought over a bottle of water for Sammie and I to share in the heat of the morning. I am grateful for the big, burly tow truck driver who stood on the side of road holding my little one's leash while I pulled all our kung fu gear and weapons out of the back of my van and removed most of our personal belongings. I am grateful for the police officer who reassured me that the other driver was being very cooperative and accepting the full blame of the accident. I am grateful for the other police officer who drove me home. I am grateful that my hubbie was able to call me so quickly and be there for me the best he could from afar. I am grateful that the man at the claims department of our insurance company had just the right blend of kindness, sympathy and humour to lighten up the situation. I am grateful that my doctor's office was able to squeeze me in on Monday morning to record and properly assess my physical damages. I am grateful that my parents were willing to drop everything and come to my rescue if I needed them to even though they do not live here. I am especially grateful for all the amazing hugs my sweet kids have been giving me all day long. I really could go on and on. Today I was greatly blessed even as life happened.
The other thing I chose to do today was to carry on the best I could given the situation. The thought crossed my mind to skip today's meeting. Really, who wouldn't have understood my absence. I had to make a choice. I really wanted to stay home. I really did not want to drive again - the thought was actually terrifying to me. I wasn't sure I would be able to hold it together and I did not want to fall apart. But, I went anyway... I want to apologize to the team for not being my usual self today but all I had to offer was my warm body in attendance. I was not able to truly focus on much of what was said. I also want to thank Mr. Sand. I do not know you well but you are an amazingly perceptive person. It meant so much to me that you noticed that I was not my usual self and then made the effort to actually come over and ask me if I was alright. Thank you. Yet another thing to be grateful for.
The kids and I finished the night off with a less than stellar dinner and a movie. Now I am going to head off to bed and my plan is to be grateful again tomorrow morning for whatever the day has to offer.
Thursday 6 August 2015
Week 24 - The Holiday is Over
Our camping holiday was exactly what I needed. I was able to unplug and really catch my breath. I needed to stop before I just simply could not continue on anyway. I took the time I needed and used it to spend quality time with my people and to simply just breathe.
So, now the holiday is over... Really over... I am having troubles getting back into the groove that I had found before I went away. Life really piled up while I was gone. Maybe not anymore so than before I left, it just feels like it after stepping away. This week my numbers were pretty sad. Last night I declared the holiday over and that I was going to jump in in the morning and get back at it.
Well I did jump back into life but not kung fu. I found myself reflecting on my chaotic day on the way to my daughter's kung fu class tonight. I had not done a single thing to move forward on my goals today. I had been busy, very busy. Everything I had done needed doing. I had not wasted my day away, yet after vowing to make a change - NOTHING!
Thank goodness I was on my way to the kwoon. I was able to get in some practice and reps while working with a great bunch of mini-martial artists. The icing on the cake was watching my sweet girl get the stripe she has been working hard on.
The kwoon was exactly where I needed to be. This week, I have much work to do and right now I am feeling ready to tackle it.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 24:
Push ups 20,094
Sit ups 22,645
Kempo 191
Staff 289
Sparring 510
KM 430.6
AoK 450
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 472
Piano 37.2 hours
Books finished 13
Daily fruit - 131 days
365 photo challenge - 109 days
Daily journal - 151 days
So, now the holiday is over... Really over... I am having troubles getting back into the groove that I had found before I went away. Life really piled up while I was gone. Maybe not anymore so than before I left, it just feels like it after stepping away. This week my numbers were pretty sad. Last night I declared the holiday over and that I was going to jump in in the morning and get back at it.
Well I did jump back into life but not kung fu. I found myself reflecting on my chaotic day on the way to my daughter's kung fu class tonight. I had not done a single thing to move forward on my goals today. I had been busy, very busy. Everything I had done needed doing. I had not wasted my day away, yet after vowing to make a change - NOTHING!
Thank goodness I was on my way to the kwoon. I was able to get in some practice and reps while working with a great bunch of mini-martial artists. The icing on the cake was watching my sweet girl get the stripe she has been working hard on.
The kwoon was exactly where I needed to be. This week, I have much work to do and right now I am feeling ready to tackle it.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 24:
Push ups 20,094
Sit ups 22,645
Kempo 191
Staff 289
Sparring 510
KM 430.6
AoK 450
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 472
Piano 37.2 hours
Books finished 13
Daily fruit - 131 days
365 photo challenge - 109 days
Daily journal - 151 days
Monday 3 August 2015
Do I Really Have To Go?
So it is confession time... The first part of last week was brutal. I was tired and stressed. I was trying to get ready to leave to go camping. We haven't been out for two years and our last trip out was definitely a disaster. Anyone who has known us for any length of time is familiar with the failed quadding trip of 2013. Chad had been gone for three weeks and was going to arrive home after doing 10 night shifts and I was to have it all ready to go. My sweetest little fur baby was really sick. She is nearly 14 years old and has had a brutal month. I was afraid to even take her to vet because I feared the hard decisions that would need to be made. The kids were wired for sound at the thought of daddy coming home and us going camping.
In all of this, all I could think was do I really have to go? I almost asked Chad if I could just pack them all up and ship them all off. I was done!
I did not do that. I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and had things ready to go. Leaving the driveway I was sure that there were a ton of things that I had forgotten to do. I decided that it all had to be good enough. I turned off my phone. I disconnected from the world and off we went.
In all of this, all I could think was do I really have to go? I almost asked Chad if I could just pack them all up and ship them all off. I was done!
I did not do that. I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and had things ready to go. Leaving the driveway I was sure that there were a ton of things that I had forgotten to do. I decided that it all had to be good enough. I turned off my phone. I disconnected from the world and off we went.
As it turns out, this camping trip was exactly what I needed. I spent time relaxing with my peeps. We played tons of Trouble, UNO and Crib. We all took turns walking Guiness and loving on Sammie. Chad took the kids on lots of boat rides leaving me back at the site to read my book and hang with the pooches. I went from not wanting to go to being so incredibly at peace and at rest. The rustle of the leaves. The calling of the loons. The crackle of the fire. Giggles and belly laughs from everyone. Sweet fur baby snuggles. Life at some of its finest!
Then Saturday rolled around... Once again I was back at do I really have to go... Part of me really was ready to leave the campsite (all the long weekend crowd had shown up). There was no more listening to the sounds of nature but instead the sounds of a super loud generators and really loud neighbours. But, I was not ready to come home. I was not ready to re-enter the world that I had turned off and left behind.
Since coming home, we have made a major purchase (those are always stressful), unpacked all the mess and totally cleaned out the trailer, packed everyone back up for a day out at Pigeon Lake with family to celebrate Way's birthday, run errands and packed Chad back up to send him off to work again. I have tried desperately to keep the peace and rest in my soul that I had found last week. There are moments where I have to work really hard at it. There are moments were I have failed and felt totally stressed, rushed and really grouchy. Yet, I have been able to pull it back to that quiet place. It is easier to do now that I have that recent memory to fall back to. My hope is to make that state a much more permanent one for not only me but for my whole family.
Monday 27 July 2015
Addicted to Busy - Take A Rest
I finished the book Addicted to Busy: Recovery for the Rushed Soul by Brady Boyd last night. It was a great book. Now before you rush out and read it, I must issue a warning. This book was written by a Christian pastor and a large portion of the book does relate to resting in relation to faith. I have done my best to mine out the some of the gems in this book that are universal regardless of your faith choice.
He started with a warning to choose rest before it chooses you. When rest chooses you, it is not always on the terms that any of us would choose and often it looks like a health crisis of some sort.
He also talked about how plugged in our society is - making each of us available 24/7/365. We don't even realize how dependent we are on our devices until they are pried from our fingers - whether it is being available constantly or having information readily available at our fingertips.
He discussed the difference between rest and entertainment. Entertainment in and of itself is not bad but it really is no substitute for true rest. He used a trip to Disneyland as an example. Entertainment at it's maximum but after a day there, you need rest. Often the forms of entertainment that people choose are really just mind numbing or an escape. They do not provide rest.
He addressed some of the reasons why we may be so busy. The first one really spoke to me - being a slave to the opinion of others. I struggle with people pleasing. The remedy was to work more and more on being your authentic self and not who you think you should be. Another reason is that we define ourselves by what we have accomplished. We believe that if we don't get absolutely every single thing done, then we are lesser people. The final one that really jumped out at me was the fear of missing out. This often plays itself out with our lovely little hand held devices and really in particular Facebook. We are constantly checking in. We don't want to miss a single thing. There is also the desire to look interesting to others.
Another area that I really struggle with that he poked at was the little time wasters. In and of themselves, they are small things, really they seem insignificant. Yet it is so easy to string an entire day of these types of activities together. This is when the little things really start to add up. I know we have talked about this in the sense of mastery but this is the other side of the coin where we are allowing mediocrity to slide into our lives.
So what are we to do....
Most of his advice really was nothing shocking. Try to really pay attention, yes there is that mindfulness thing again. Try to really slow down and really look around you. Take in life with grateful eyes and a grateful heart - the life that is right in front of us that we are currently living now. Leave the future to itself and stay in the right now. Then finally probably the best remedy, truly practice thankfulness - not just in when it comes to mind but really seeking out places to praise. There was a discussion about how rest is opposed in our culture and that we must be ruthless in our pursuit of it. It will not happen automatically. There must be intentionality.
For me the final chapter was the reminder that I really needed to hear the most. It was the reminder that we must have margin in our lives so that we have space for others. I do not want to live my life being completely selfish. I want to be open and ready to help others. When we are chronically stressed out then the people who are around us with needs just fade into the background of life. We are unable to see their needs, let alone actually do anything to help. I can't even begin to imagine the missed opportunities to bless others simply because I was a stressed out mess myself.
At the very end of the book he warned that once we decide to carve out rest in our lives, we need to be very intentional about what we do with that rest. We need to look at our lives and ask what makes us feel the most alive. He encouraged simplicity.
So what am I going to do with all of this great advice.... Tomorrow I am heading off with my family to spend a few days camping and fishing. I am going to unplug as much as I can possibly get away with. I am going to focus on the people right in front of me. Spending quality time with my peeps is one of the things that makes me feel most alive and I can't wait to get on the road!
He started with a warning to choose rest before it chooses you. When rest chooses you, it is not always on the terms that any of us would choose and often it looks like a health crisis of some sort.
He also talked about how plugged in our society is - making each of us available 24/7/365. We don't even realize how dependent we are on our devices until they are pried from our fingers - whether it is being available constantly or having information readily available at our fingertips.
He discussed the difference between rest and entertainment. Entertainment in and of itself is not bad but it really is no substitute for true rest. He used a trip to Disneyland as an example. Entertainment at it's maximum but after a day there, you need rest. Often the forms of entertainment that people choose are really just mind numbing or an escape. They do not provide rest.
He addressed some of the reasons why we may be so busy. The first one really spoke to me - being a slave to the opinion of others. I struggle with people pleasing. The remedy was to work more and more on being your authentic self and not who you think you should be. Another reason is that we define ourselves by what we have accomplished. We believe that if we don't get absolutely every single thing done, then we are lesser people. The final one that really jumped out at me was the fear of missing out. This often plays itself out with our lovely little hand held devices and really in particular Facebook. We are constantly checking in. We don't want to miss a single thing. There is also the desire to look interesting to others.
Another area that I really struggle with that he poked at was the little time wasters. In and of themselves, they are small things, really they seem insignificant. Yet it is so easy to string an entire day of these types of activities together. This is when the little things really start to add up. I know we have talked about this in the sense of mastery but this is the other side of the coin where we are allowing mediocrity to slide into our lives.
So what are we to do....
Most of his advice really was nothing shocking. Try to really pay attention, yes there is that mindfulness thing again. Try to really slow down and really look around you. Take in life with grateful eyes and a grateful heart - the life that is right in front of us that we are currently living now. Leave the future to itself and stay in the right now. Then finally probably the best remedy, truly practice thankfulness - not just in when it comes to mind but really seeking out places to praise. There was a discussion about how rest is opposed in our culture and that we must be ruthless in our pursuit of it. It will not happen automatically. There must be intentionality.
For me the final chapter was the reminder that I really needed to hear the most. It was the reminder that we must have margin in our lives so that we have space for others. I do not want to live my life being completely selfish. I want to be open and ready to help others. When we are chronically stressed out then the people who are around us with needs just fade into the background of life. We are unable to see their needs, let alone actually do anything to help. I can't even begin to imagine the missed opportunities to bless others simply because I was a stressed out mess myself.
At the very end of the book he warned that once we decide to carve out rest in our lives, we need to be very intentional about what we do with that rest. We need to look at our lives and ask what makes us feel the most alive. He encouraged simplicity.
So what am I going to do with all of this great advice.... Tomorrow I am heading off with my family to spend a few days camping and fishing. I am going to unplug as much as I can possibly get away with. I am going to focus on the people right in front of me. Spending quality time with my peeps is one of the things that makes me feel most alive and I can't wait to get on the road!
Thursday 23 July 2015
Week 22 - Not Just One, But Two
When I sat down last fall to set my personal goals, there was one priority that hit the top of the list without any hesitation - my family. I knew that taking on this challenge would mean change for everyone. It was important to me that they knew that they still more important than kung fu. To help with that, the goal I set was to have 12 one-on-one dates with each of my favourite people.
Keeping track of these outings has really shone a bright light on the season of life that we are in as a family. With Chad working out of town but having set days at home, we have managed to fit in many lunch dates. They often happen just as he is heading out for another shift away. Also with the kids getting a little older, we are able to slip out easier. I had thought dates with him would be the hardest to fill - that has not proven to be the case.
Next we have my sweet girl... It feels like we are together constantly - often one-on-one. I have had to make an effort to make meaningful dates with her - doing what she wants and really focusing on her instead of just doing life dragging her along with me.
The one that seems to always be on the losing end of this is my Waylon. With one child able to stay home alone or even babysit but the other child not being old enough quite yet to stay home alone - this adds a challenge. When Chad is home we seem to be either doing things as a whole family or he is sneaking off with Waylon to scout out hunting grounds or to shoot guns at targets in the bush. I love watching their relationship change as he grows older. But... I have struggled to be able to get my own time in with him.
This week little one had a birthday party sleep over at a friends house. Chad was out of town. It was just me and my boy for almost 24 hours! On Friday night after kung fu, we watched the Fast and the Furious. He is now on a one boy mission to see each and every one of them. Then on Saturday we headed into the city and did some geocaching in Terwillegar Park then lunch at MyFries. We had such a good time. It really helped our relationship too. There were no distractions, no little sister, a whole lot less attitude.... Definitely a highlight this week!
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 22:
Push ups 18,734
Sit ups 21,345
Kempo 184
Staff 274
Sparring 470
KM 414.2
AoK 423
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 440
Piano 35.5 hours
Books finished 11
Daily fruit - 124 days
365 photo challenge - 103 days
Daily journal - 144 days
Keeping track of these outings has really shone a bright light on the season of life that we are in as a family. With Chad working out of town but having set days at home, we have managed to fit in many lunch dates. They often happen just as he is heading out for another shift away. Also with the kids getting a little older, we are able to slip out easier. I had thought dates with him would be the hardest to fill - that has not proven to be the case.
Next we have my sweet girl... It feels like we are together constantly - often one-on-one. I have had to make an effort to make meaningful dates with her - doing what she wants and really focusing on her instead of just doing life dragging her along with me.
The one that seems to always be on the losing end of this is my Waylon. With one child able to stay home alone or even babysit but the other child not being old enough quite yet to stay home alone - this adds a challenge. When Chad is home we seem to be either doing things as a whole family or he is sneaking off with Waylon to scout out hunting grounds or to shoot guns at targets in the bush. I love watching their relationship change as he grows older. But... I have struggled to be able to get my own time in with him.
This week little one had a birthday party sleep over at a friends house. Chad was out of town. It was just me and my boy for almost 24 hours! On Friday night after kung fu, we watched the Fast and the Furious. He is now on a one boy mission to see each and every one of them. Then on Saturday we headed into the city and did some geocaching in Terwillegar Park then lunch at MyFries. We had such a good time. It really helped our relationship too. There were no distractions, no little sister, a whole lot less attitude.... Definitely a highlight this week!
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 22:
Push ups 18,734
Sit ups 21,345
Kempo 184
Staff 274
Sparring 470
KM 414.2
AoK 423
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 440
Piano 35.5 hours
Books finished 11
Daily fruit - 124 days
365 photo challenge - 103 days
Daily journal - 144 days
Friday 17 July 2015
Week 21 - Injury Update
This week I had a few appointments for my knee.
The first one was with the sports medicine specialist. We have made the decision to not pursue surgery to repair my ACL. My knee is currently extremely stable. She feels that I could potentially end up with less range of motion and a stiffer knee with the surgery - not to mention the downtime afterwards. The clincher for me was that right now, I am doing almost everything I want to do in kung fu (still not ready to fly yet). If I were to pursue the surgery, I would be off the mats for almost a year. She was pleased with the range of motion I have gained back. It is almost at the same place as my good knee. The swelling is also almost gone. I have also noticed a huge improvement in the bone bruising (that was until we did kneel walking in class the other day, that was not so fun). She has also recommended that I try to get a specific sleeve for my knee to help with stability (and my fear), perhaps with time we will look into a sports brace if needed. I get to keep working on my strength for the summer and go back to see her in the fall.
The second appointment was with my friend of torture - the physiotherapist. She is also thrilled to pieces with how things are looking. I was given some more exercises to work on. We have now started incorporating some jumping... Did I mention some fear above... Little itty, bitty jumps with lots of control. I get to go back and see her in 6 weeks.
All in all, the update is all good news. I am to keep on working hard. The only area of my life at this point that the injury is still impacting is kung fu and as I build strength and courage, I am finding that is even less and less.
In the rest of life, it was also a pretty good week. We stuck close to home with most of our outings being to the kwoon. This was very helpful on the numbers front.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 21:
Push ups 17,744
Sit ups 20,715
Kempo 174
Staff 262
Sparring 390
KM 405.7
AoK 405
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 422
Piano 33.75 hours
Books finished 11
Daily fruit - 120 days
365 photo challenge - 99 days
Daily journal - 138 days
The first one was with the sports medicine specialist. We have made the decision to not pursue surgery to repair my ACL. My knee is currently extremely stable. She feels that I could potentially end up with less range of motion and a stiffer knee with the surgery - not to mention the downtime afterwards. The clincher for me was that right now, I am doing almost everything I want to do in kung fu (still not ready to fly yet). If I were to pursue the surgery, I would be off the mats for almost a year. She was pleased with the range of motion I have gained back. It is almost at the same place as my good knee. The swelling is also almost gone. I have also noticed a huge improvement in the bone bruising (that was until we did kneel walking in class the other day, that was not so fun). She has also recommended that I try to get a specific sleeve for my knee to help with stability (and my fear), perhaps with time we will look into a sports brace if needed. I get to keep working on my strength for the summer and go back to see her in the fall.
The second appointment was with my friend of torture - the physiotherapist. She is also thrilled to pieces with how things are looking. I was given some more exercises to work on. We have now started incorporating some jumping... Did I mention some fear above... Little itty, bitty jumps with lots of control. I get to go back and see her in 6 weeks.
All in all, the update is all good news. I am to keep on working hard. The only area of my life at this point that the injury is still impacting is kung fu and as I build strength and courage, I am finding that is even less and less.
In the rest of life, it was also a pretty good week. We stuck close to home with most of our outings being to the kwoon. This was very helpful on the numbers front.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 21:
Push ups 17,744
Sit ups 20,715
Kempo 174
Staff 262
Sparring 390
KM 405.7
AoK 405
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 422
Piano 33.75 hours
Books finished 11
Daily fruit - 120 days
365 photo challenge - 99 days
Daily journal - 138 days
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