Here I sit... I have this post open... I have typed a first sentence numerous times and then deleted it. I just really don't know how to start or where to start.
Why do we blog? We blog to document our journey, not only for ourselves but for others. It is a form of accountability. You can't hide if you are posting regularly. Personally, I have a view of what I hope to accomplish when I blog. I want to not only encourage others with my journey but really I want to encourage myself. I see it as a pep talk to myself.
This has been the issue lately. I have struggled to find encouraging things to blog about. The past month has been very tough. My numbers are terrible. I have quit posting them because I am disappointed. I am hiding and I need to stop.
Friday was a perfect example of wanting to hide. I debated on whether or not to go to class. I debated on stepping back and sitting on the bench. I am still struggling with the physical and mental aftermath of my car accident. I just didn't feel up to it. Instead I convinced myself to get on the mats so that I would not let the team down for demo practice. Then Sifu Brinker hit us with the surprise full run through of each of our weapons forms. I felt physically ill. I have not put in the time and reps that I should have. I was so not ready to perform. I wanted to run for the parking lot.
Instead I sucked it and stepped out onto the mats when it was my turn. I was terrified but managed to fumble my way through my form. The feedback was gracious and encouraging. Even with that, I know that I am not where I should be. I know I have a lot of work to do ahead of me. I am not proud of the performance that I put in but I am proud that I did step out and try.
The way I felt was so strongly contrasted to how I felt on Saturday at the forms seminar. Saturday was an amazing experience. I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon trying to learn a new form. It was an ambitious choice but exciting. We managed to get about 60% of the way through. Then it was time to step out on the mats in front of a panel of black belts to perform. I did not feel nearly as nervous this time. I fumbled my way through again. Once again the feedback was gracious and encouraging. Yet, after I felt on top of the world.
So what was the difference? The difference was the expectations that I placed upon myself. Our expectations of ourselves can push us towards mastery or it can paralyze us with fear or allow us to rip ourselves to shreds. I have spent a lot of time over the past month or so ripping myself to shreds. This has not served me, not even in the slightest. It has caused me to want to hide from the people who can help me most. It is time for me to start being kinder to myself and to step out of hiding. This blog is my first step in that direction.
Good job on both the form and this blog!
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