Last week at the meeting, Sifu Brinker asked me for an injury update. Physically I am feeling great. I have managed to really push through and work with the physical injuries. This is what I reported on at the meeting.
There is a whole other area that I did not report on - my mental game. To say that I have been really struggling mentally since the car accident would be a major understatement. It wasn't until the doctors diagnosed a concussion that I started to understand why I was living in a fog - a fog that has quite honestly not lifted. It has now been two months since my poor brain was sloshed around. It has been a very long two months.
When I first was told that it was a concussion, I thought no worries. Yes I have headaches, nausea and light sensitivity but once that all clears I'll be good to go. That has not been the case. They believe that the issue is in my frontal lobe - the place where we go to make decisions. Once the immediate physical issues subsided, I started to notice that decisions were overwhelming. I was the kind of girl who makes a plan and then sets about working the plan. I have been this way my entire life, until recently. Now I am a girl who is trying to work it but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around making the plan. My focus has been brutal as well. I try to start doing something and then SQUIRREL! The simplest tasks have become very challenging. Things I have always enjoyed doing or even just did without thinking now cause anxiety. My medical doctor felt that he had exhausted what he could do for me. Really, all he had to say was yes you have a concussion and please be really careful to not slosh it again soon. He warned that it could take up to two years for my poor brain to fully heal. His only piece of advice was to see therapist.
Another confession... I cringed at this advice. I did not want to go. At first I did not make the appointment but then I finally decided that I would give it a try since living in my head was quite a crazy place to be. At that first appointment we talked a lot about expectations. One of my first statements was that I was a month behind. He asked me how I could even begin to make a statement like that - how would you begin to measure something like that? Clearly, he has never done anything like the I Ho Chuan program. I did not get into the details of how I could actually quantify exactly how behind I was. Then he asked me how I would treat someone else who was having the same issues that I was having - would I judge them or would I treat them with kindness and grace. The message - I needed to be a whole bunch less critical of myself and give myself some grace while I heal.
So I set off to work on that for two weeks. I did make some progress on being nice to myself. I did not make a ton of progress on being a whole month behind. I'm still at least that far behind in life - now I'm just learning to accept that this is where I am at for this season.
Yesterday was my two week check in with him. Despite all the progress I was making, I was still extremely frustrated. The fog, the anxiety, the chronic distractedness... It is getting to me. Then came the two year healing period reminder and that really I was only at two months. More grace needed...
Then came the chat about my role in the healing process. My brain is struggling and is working as hard as it can to heal. I have a choice to make - will I help with that healing or not. His words were, "will you marinade your brain in tonics or toxins." Every thought, feeling, emotion produces different hormone and chemical reactions in our brains. I need to make a choice whether or not I am going to let my brain soak in happy hormones or angry, frustrated ones. Happy tonics equal faster healing and a better outcome (a brain I want to live with). He also suggested that I start doing mindfulness training to help increase my ability to focus.
I have really tried taking to heart his suggestions and the last two days have been a bit better. I am really trying to be very aware of the marinade I am soaking my brain in. I am really trying to laugh about the very routine things that I forget to do (like cooking dinner or getting the groceries). The goal is to look back on this time period and have my kids say, "remember the time when mom lost her marbles and we all laughed about it."
Now as for my numbers, it has been a very long time since I posted them. There is an honest reason for that. I am not happy with them. I had really built up a great momentum, then it very nearly stopped. That momentum is slowly starting to rebuild. I have come to terms with the fact that for most of my goals, I will not reach what I set out to do. Now the focus has shifted to finishing this year strong.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 33:
Push ups 23,159
Sit ups 26,470
Kempo 225
Staff 312
Sparring 530
KM 505.5
AoK 620
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 636
Piano 42.6 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 159 days
365 photo challenge - 130 days
Daily journal - 198 days
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