Engagement from the Sidelines

There has been a ton of talk about engagement and perspective.  Most of the conversation revolves around those who are away from the kwoon and how do you stay engaged when you are away from the group.  This seems to be a struggle many on the team have had not only this year but over time.  The advice given always rings true.  The path to staying engaged is to do.  When you don't want to do, do it anyway.  Just do it.


So what do you do when you can't just do it?  There are a few of us on the team this year that are struggling with this very real issue.  Sifu Beckett spent months in a hospital bed.  Sihing Vanderham is limping around on crutches.  Most days, I look physically pretty good as long as you ignore how tired I look but the doctors have specifically asked me to stop doing.  For people who are in this group, the just do it advice can make you want to scream.  We want to do it.  Yes, even the dreaded push ups.  We want to train.  We want to be on the mats sweating, learning, working hard.  Yet, there we are at the back of the class or sitting on the benches watching.


I have really been struggling with engagement lately.  I have been trying to attend all of my classes.  I come ready to learn.  I bring my curriculum, my notebook and my pen.  I ask questions.  I flap my arms around on the bench trying to mimic and figure things out.  I have joined tai chi to try to find a way to be on the mats and still keep my heart rate at a lower level.  I attempted demo class last Friday which honestly was a physical stretch for me.  I had many caring teammates checking in on me between each demo run to see if I was ok.  Sifu Vantuil asked how I was feeling after class.  It was such a mixed bag really.  Physically, I felt pretty crappy.  Mentally, I was exhausted.  Yet, it felt unbelievably good to be on the mats with the team working on my weapon form.


Staying engaged from the sidelines is a tricky business.  With the physical goals, I have had to put most of them on hold for now.  I will have a lot of work to build back up again once I am well but I will conquer that hurdle when the time comes.  Then there are the personal goals.  This should free up my time to really attack these goals.  Due to the restrictions placed on me, I am having to look for different ways to approach these goals as well.  Since there has not been a ton to keep track of, I have unfortunately have fallen out of the habit of writing down my numbers each day.  Then when I try to play catch up, I can't remember what I did.  That is not helpful.  When you are limited to what you can do, it is even more important to give yourself credit for what you do accomplish.


So my game plan for now is to first of all just keep showing up - whether it be on the mats or on the bench.  The next is to get back into the habit of giving myself credit for things I do get accomplished.  Finally, I will be looking for creative ways to work around some of my goals to hopefully keep my focus moving forward as we finish out this year.  This will all be done within the framework of my health and healing being first priority which means rest, rest and more rest.