Busy or Blessed

Busy... 

This is a word that seems to describe life in our culture. 

Ask almost anyone how they are doing or how their week is going and the answer is more often than not - Busy...

When we don't live up to our commitments or maintain our relationships to level we feel we should, more often than not the reason is the same - Busy...

I hate to use the word busy to describe life but honestly that is how life has felt lately.  In life I wear many hats and honestly lately I feel like it's been a struggle to maintain any sort of balance. In most cases, whoever or whatever screams the loudest gets my attention.  Thankfully in most cases, this means my family gets first dibs.  Lately, work has been equally demanding though.  I've found that there is often conflict between the hats that I wear.  This work from home mom gig seems to be at odds with itself many days.

With all of these loud voices, I am finding that many of the things I do for myself are being pushed to the side.  Anything and everything kung fu seems to fall into this category lately.  Whether it is physical requirements, blogging, personal requirements like reading and playing the piano or decluttering my house...  All these areas of my life have been a struggle this year. 

Lately I have been doing better in some of the areas that have been neglected.  It often feels though that as I start to make some progress in one area, the next slips to the side.  I am trying to juggle it all and balls are dropping all over the place.

Life is filled to the brim but I don't want to describe it as busy.  For today, I did stop and take care of some things for me.  I have submitted my first draft of requirements and wrote this blog.  That is between driving Way to kung fu and using a hot glue gun to help Georgia with a school art project.  My life does look busy but really it is blessed.  This is something I need to remember when I am in the thick of it all.

Pre-Deciding

I've been doing a great deal of thinking on this topic since our last meeting.  Thank you to Sifu M Beckett for talking about her journey and revelations in this area.  It gave me a lot to chew on.

Pre-Deciding is deciding something in advance.

Our minds are so powerful.  We have the ability to set our minds in a direction and then move in that direction.  Once we have set our minds, it is so much harder for our bodies to move in another direction - simply because we have set our minds.  Now we can always change our minds and that will change our direction but if we keep our minds set in one direction, the likelihood of going that direction dramatically increases.

So how does this apply to my journey...  Upon reflection I seem to have some of the very same thoughts Sifu talked about on Saturday.  I have always been one to quickly say "I can't do that" when it comes to physical endeavors.  I liked to think that it was just a solid understanding of my own abilities but really it was a lack of belief in my own capabilities.  One of the reasons that I joined the IHC my first year was that I was tired of telling myself that I couldn't do things.  I was ready for a push to see what I could do.  I have definitely broadened my preconceived limitations, but they do still definitely exist.  They come to light every single time I think of eventually grading for a black belt.  I still have limits to push.

An area that has been new for me in this area is in regards to my mental capacity.  My whole life I've been an I can do that kinda girl when it comes to pretty much anything that wasn't physical in nature.  Then the concussion happened...  I was told that I had to stop.  I was told I had to rest my mind.  Since then I know that I have a new brain that I am working with, one that I am still on many days I'm still trying to figure out.  The discussion on Saturday and my reflection on that though has shown me that I have put some pretty serious limits on myself.  At one time these limits were necessary for healing.  Today these limits are exactly that - just limits.  There is no good reason for them.  I look at my calendar and I think many thoughts that are not helpful.  I think about how tired I will be.  I think about how stressed I will be.  I think about how it will affect my anxiety levels.  All these thoughts make me tired, stressed and anxious.  I haven't even done anything yet!!!

This week I've been trying to not analyze my calendar and predecide how I'm going to feel.  Instead I've been trying hard to feel how I'm really feeling in the moment not how I think I should feel or how my thoughts have then made me feel.  That was quite a mouthful.  I would love to say that I've seen huge success and strides in my life.  Not yet.  I will keep working on it.  Today I am feeling very under the weather.  I did what I needed to do this morning for work but this afternoon I listened to my body and I had a nap.  I haven't allowed myself that in quite some time and I have to say it was lovely and really needed.  Tomorrow I will tackle life as it comes.

Lessons in Profound Gratitude

I like to think of myself as a pretty grateful person.  I try to use my manners.  I keep a journal where I list the things and events that I am grateful for.  I really do like to believe that I embrace a life of gratitude.

Last night, I was blessed with the opportunity to take Waylon down to the Mustard Seed and serve a meal alongside him.  Honestly, at many points this week, this did not feel like a blessing or an opportunity - it felt like a commitment.  It felt like another thing crammed into our ridiculously busy week - that week where everything seems to fall all at once.  I was tired and I hate driving in the city.  Can you hear it?  Excuses and bad attitude abounding.  Even in that, I knew that I had committed to going and I wanted Waylon to have this experience.  So off we set....

Now on the other side of this experience I have an entirely different perspective.  I am so grateful that I did not let those excuses and bad attitude win out.  What I was able to be a part of last night was truly incredible.  I have helped out with these meals many times over the years.  In the past I have always been involved in the preparation part of the meal.  Last night was the first time that I was able to actual serve the clients and speak to them.  The greatest lessons and blessings came in the interactions with the people we met and in watching my son interact with these people.

The people that we served last night were on the most part some of the most humble and polite people I have seen all gathered together in one place.  There are a few characters that I will keep in my mind and heart though.  There was one gentleman who took the time to stop and thank each and every person volunteering.  He looked them in the eye.  He didn't just say thank you.  He spoke to each of us individually.  You could see through his eyes right into his beautiful heart.  There was one lady who had on this hat that I really wish I had taken a picture of.  It was covered in pink sequins and she had wrapped silk flowers around it and around her neck.  In a place where life seems dark and sad, she brought colour and beauty.  There was this other lady.  She was such a tiny thing but the joy she oozed was not tiny.  She did a huge happy dance when she saw that Waylon had oranges to hand out.  One man asked if it was thanksgiving because there was so much food.  He looked like he was about to cry.  We were able to fill every single plate that came through to overflowing and then offer seconds (and in some cases thirds).  Not a single person in that building went away hungry last night.

On the way home, Waylon and I were able to talk through our experience.  It really hit home that it is by the grace of God that I was on the serving side of that table, not the side receiving the meal.  We gave them a warm meal but they gave me something that will last so much longer.  The people I met last night gave me a glimpse of what true gratitude looks like.  I honestly believe that I received so much more than I will ever be able to give in this lifetime.

Hold Up Just A Minute....

It's that time of year!  Can't you feel it!

The kwoon is filled with excited chatter.  The IHC Dog Team is filling quickly.  Are you in?  What are your goals for next year?  What forms are you doing?  What's your weapon?  How did you set up this goal in the past?  Where should my focus be?

Last year at this time I was really struggling.  I knew I needed to stay on the team, if for no other reason than I needed to keep my kung fu family close, but I totally lacked any excitement.  I set the goals I knew I needed to set.  There was not a great deal of enthusiasm involved.  This year it is very different.  Right now I am in the healthiest mental state I've been in for a couple of years.  I am finding my brain going a million miles an hour filled with ideas.  I have all these things I want to do.  I have many things that need attending to in my life.  Then there are the goals I need to keep in front of me as I get closer and closer to contemplating a black belt grading in the next few years.  So many goals!!!!

But wait!  It is still the year of the Rooster!  I have so much unfinished business to focus on to finish this year strong.  I think some of the struggle comes from the fact that I am not nailing my goals this year.  Every single cell in my body is ready for that ultimate restart yet that does not happen until February.  It is still October.  There is much to do - now!  It is in the now that I will set up next year.  Some of my unfinished goals lead into what I want to do next year. 

So for today, I will shift my focus back to now. 

To Blog or Not To Blog....

That is quite the question...  Hmmm....  Obviously, the answer is yes, blog.

I have been putting off my blog all week.  Last week's blog took 3 days to write.  It feels like I just finished writing it and bang it's time to write again.  Then there is the mental task of thinking what to write about.  What is going on that is relevant?  What is going on that I actually want to put out into the public space?  What will someone want to read (which includes the me of the future)?

This week I have been feeling quite funky.  The shorter days and lack of bright sunshine has been taking it's toll on my mental space.  The paperwork that I needed to collect and log for my accident was looming over my head.  Yesterday I finally finished pushing through the last of it and dropped it off at the lawyers.  That was a hard process.  The continual reliving of the hard stuff from the last two years kept pushing me down.  Then add in that my internal solar panels needed some serious sunshine to get my groove on.

I have often asked myself, where does the time go.  Yesterday I discovered that I spent 146.5 hours alone in the last two years just driving to and attending appointments directly related to my accident.  Ugh...  That is a huge chunk of time.  Time that I needed to be doing exactly what I was doing at that moment, yet, how I would have loved to have had those hours to invest in other ways.  This does not include the time I spent unable to do life with headaches or brain fog, time spent napping so I could heal.  If I had properly tracked that time, then I'm sure the number would have completely blown my mind.  If I can make this huge amount of time to care for myself, then surely I can find 15 minutes to put some thoughts down in my blog.

So today my answer was to blog...  What will your answer be?

Lu Ping An

I started off September ready to give it my all.  I set big goals for myself.  I was going to get back on track in every area of my life.  Look out world!

I did not conquer the universe in September.  I did manage to accomplish more in one month than I think I had in the previous three months but it came at a cost.  I know you've all heard me talk about the Supermom cape being stuck in my panties...  Same idea, slightly different analogy coming up.

September was crazy full.  With my grandma ill and then passing away, my heart had been heavy.  Then last few days of last week were filled with back to back appointments with different doctors and clients.  Every moment was finely planned with no room for error.  One misstep and the whole beautifully constructed schedule was going to come crashing down.  That is not what happened.  Everything came off just like I planned.  This sounds like a success, right?

By Thursday, my hubbie asked me how I was holding up with all that was going on.  See he has much wisdom and experience watching me run around like a crazy lady.  Perhaps it was also the fact that he found me sitting in front of the pantry holding a huge bag of chocolate chips...  I told him that I was doing ok, after all chocolate fixes everything.  I felt like I was running on a hamster wheel but I was doing ok.  Then Friday hit.  Two medical appointments in the city for the kids.  One putting me on the road for morning rush hour and then the other putting me on the road for the evening rush hour.  Then a packed schedule in the middle of this.  By the time I made it home, my wise hubbie asked the same question.  The answer was very different.  I was still on my hamster wheel but I had stumbled and somehow my little hamster tail had gotten caught and I felt like I was being repeatedly slammed as the wheel kept on spinning.

Life on the hamster wheel is frantic and busy but all that activity did not lead to reaching any destination I want to remain in.  My schedule was too full without time for rest or margin.  Putting myself on the road during rush hour was definitely a poor choice in light of my driving anxieties, let alone twice in one day.  On paper, September looked pretty good.  There were many revolutions on that hamster wheel.  BUT...  I had not been kind to myself.  I had not recognized or respected my own personal limitations.  I had had to learn an old lesson all over again.

For the month of October, I want to have a completely different approach.  I need to step off the wheel for my own sake and for the sake of my family.  This week I was sitting down thinking about goals for the month and I was having troubles really setting any.  Don't get me wrong, I have so much that I want and need to do.  The issue was I was still feeling beaten and broken from September.  I kept going back to just a simple focus on peace and gratitude.

On Wednesday morning in class, Sifu Rybak was firing off theory questions to each of us and when it was my turn the question was what is lu ping an?  On my way home it hit me.  This one phrase summed up where I wanted to focus for this month.

Lu ping an...  Walking in peace and harmony...  Being at peace with myself...  Being at peace with the people in my life...  Being at peace with the world around me...

This does not mean that I am going to be sitting around doing nothing this month.  It is tempting after the whole hamster wheel incident.  The first word of the phrase is walking.  There is still forward movement but it is not frantic and relentless.  The focus is not so much on what I want/need to get done but more on how I am going to go about it.  There is kindness and compassion for myself.  If I am kind to myself and allow margin, then it is so much easier to be at peace with those around me.  To then take it a step further, if I extend kindness and compassion to myself, I am so much better at noticing the world around me with a heart of gratitude.

Lu ping an...   Simple but not easy...  A constant work in progress...

Quieting the Nerves

This morning I was reflecting on my morning walk with my favourite fur-guy.  This past week has been filled with emotions.  I am still processing many of them.  As I was processing them, the usual Monday morning thought came up...  What on earth am I going to blog about?!?

One of the requirements of the IHC program is to do at least three public performances throughout the year.  This is a requirement that originally made me cringe - I really dislike getting up in front of people.  I used to be a ball of nerves and a complete wreck if asked to lead a warm up or to do my form in front of the class.  How on earth was I going to do anything in public?

As part of our classes, we start by really desensitizing ourselves to some of these nerves by regularly doing our forms for each other.  This gives us a safe environment to step out in and practice how to handle a performance.  We practice performing.  Gradually, these practice performance are no longer fear inducing.  I have learned to handle my nerves in this safe environment.

Now, just because I have learned how to manage my nerves in the kwoon, does not mean that I have nailed my nerves when it comes time to perform for the public.  The first year in the program, my weapons form was challenging and to be honest, I can count on one hand how many times I managed to complete it without dropping my staff or causing some sort of bodily harm to myself - many times both would happen at the same time.  I learned through experience that you can whack yourself in the head and drop your staff in front of over 300 people and the world, will indeed, keep rotating on it's axis.

Now what does this have to do with my week last week?

Earlier this summer my grandma asked me to do a reading at her funeral.  Knowing that her days were not many, she had spent time planning how she wanted to be celebrated and remembered.  Last Monday afternoon she was set free from her pain and suffering.  On Friday, we made the trip to Killiam to celebrate her life.

Funerals are hard.  I cry at the drop of a hat at the best of times, so funerals are especially hard.  Then add to that the nerves of getting up in front of a large crowd to do a reading.  Add to this that the funeral was being held in the Catholic Church, filled with traditions and practices that I was not familiar with.  Add to this that the reading was from a book of the Catholic Bible that is not part of the Protestant Bible that I am familiar with.  Add to that the full realization and weight of the privilege of being asked to do a reading by the person being remembered.  To say my nerves were nearly shot would be an understatement.

When it was time to do the reading, I was able to walk up to the front of that church and speak clearly.  I give the many opportunities to practice quieting my nerves credit for much of that.  I was able to take a moment to focus my mind and take a cleansing breathe.  I was able to honour my grandma.  That is a gift that I will cherish always.