This week has been hard in many ways. I have kept on pushing along but still every single thing I do is a sheer act of will power. I feel like I'm trying to swim in mud. My numbers were down this week but I did do something each day. I am not giving up.
One of the hardest mental challenges for me has been looking at my reflection and not the one in the traditional mirror. The mirror I am talking about is my sweet baby girl. My sweet princess struggles with anxiety. She covers it well when people are looking but when she is at home, her guard comes down. This week I had my MRI. They asked me if I struggle with anxiety. I didn't believe that I really did. That is my sweet baby's issue - not mine. Well let me tell you - it is definitely an issue I have too. I put on a brave, strong face when I am around others. I have worked on my strong face to the point where my own husband was shocked that I had struggled so much that day. I have successfully lied to everyone including myself for a very long time. By not being honest, I have actually worked to cut off support instead of reaching for it. When I do let my guard down, it comes out as tears, anger or ironically silliness so I am still able to hide it. This is exactly how my little one handles life as well. I do not know how much of all this is genetic and how much is learned behaviour but it really breaks my heart that I have passed this on to her. We will both be working together to learn how to honestly ask for help and to build better coping skills that's for sure.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 10:
Push ups 8,134
Sit ups 8,295
Kempo 60
Staff 137
Sparring 65
KM 160.8
AoK 204
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 201
Piano 17.75 hours
Books finished 5
Daily fruit - 1 day missed
365 photo challenge - 15 days missed
Daily journal - missed 2 days
I was a good liar too. Wasn't until near the end of my first I Ho Chaun year that I started speaking up about it. A lot of my major intestinal issues can be managed by managing anxiety, that and diet. Problem with it is if you don't start managing it, your body pays for it. I've learned the hard way. There is a very good reason why I don't do demos. It literally makes me physically ill. A few of the things I started doing is beginner hatha yoga once a week (haven't been there lately but it helped when I could) walking meditation with instrumental music and massages. I'm still a work in progress but these help a bit.
ReplyDeleteI also have been working on being more honest with myself and with the people that are in my life. That includes my team mates. It's hard to let your guard down sometimes, but I think it's worth it. I've never felt better about myself and my own state of mind. It's truly a weight off of my shoulders. Sometimes I don't realize I've been carrying the weight for so long. Feel free to open up anytime. I always do my best to be open and receptive.
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