Construction Zone - Proceed with Caution

There are times in life when you wonder why you are where you are.  Then there are times when you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  This weekend was one of those moments.

I was provided the opportunity to attend a women's conference on Friday night and Saturday during the day.  Leading up to the event I had hummed and hawed at whether I should go.  Chad was sent out of town...  Can I leave the kids for entire day?  Will they burn the house down?  (At lunch on Saturday, they assured me that only half the house was actually burned down so we are half good.)

I chose to put the questions aside and just go.  I was exactly where I needed to be.  I was blessed to be surrounded by amazing ladies.  I cried more than my share of tears (I am still perhaps a wee bit dehydrated).  I walked away with a new perspective that I am now working to apply to my life.

The speaker on Saturday morning used an example that I found hit home particularly hard.  The image was one of a person who spins plates.  They start with one...  That's pretty cool...  Then you add another...  That seems to be going ok...  Then it's another...  The crowd is cheering and asking for more plates....  On and on... 

The plates represent the many things we juggle in life.  I personally have quite an array of plates on any given day.  Sometimes (actually more often than I'd like to admit), I drop one.  I take a moment, get out the glue and then it's back to spinning.  Funny thing is that I often find a couple more plates to spin in those moments.  The plates look cool up there spinning.  Everyone is focused on the plates.

Now for just a second look down at the person who is doing the spinning.  That person in not the picture of calm and stability.  Once that person hits a certain threshold of plates, they become more and more frantic, running around trying to keep those plates up in the air.  Yes indeed, that is me.  Frantic, running....  My heart and soul yearn for peace and stability.

I spent time this past weekend starting to sort through the plates I've been spinning.  I have been asking hard questions.  Questions like why am I spinning this?  Is this even my plate to spin?  Did I agree to take on that plate to please someone?  Am I spinning this one just for the sake of ego?  Those are some of the roots that I have found in the plates as I've looked at them - people pleasing and ego.

The new  vision that I am working towards is holding a much smaller stack of plates and not to be holding them alone.  I only want to hold the plates that have been carefully selected and that can manage without chaos.  This will take time as I sift through the questions.

So here's where that construction zone reference in the title comes in!  You may want to proceed with caution.  There may be plates flying here and there and everywhere as I sort through them. 

Never Miss a Monday...

Monday is my reset day.  I send my family out into the world and I take a moment to collect myself and set the world back into some semblance of order.  This is the day I use to really look at my week and put on my game face.  An important part of that process for me is sitting down to write my blog.

Now I must admit, today does not look like a traditional Monday...  There are people everywhere and it is a little more challenging to establish order when they are in my midst.  They may need to tread carefully or they will be given jobs (that'll teach them to not have school).

This is the first Monday of the Dog Year.  Even though it is not a normal Monday, I was determined to start the year off right.  That was one of my lessons from last year.  It is easy to say that I will do my requirements later - after all, I do have all year...  I have also learned that it is easy to dig a big hole and even though the journey is about continual improvement, that hole can really kick the motivation right out the door.  It is harder and harder to start as the hole grows larger and larger. 

So far this year, I am mostly on track.  I am off to a good start.  I am using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons recommended.  It is working way better for me than the spreadsheet I was using last year.  I had planned to go back to pen and paper but this makes it feel a little like a game to be honest.  I gives it a fresh feeling and I happen to have my tracking system with me most off the time.

I am off to reset and conquer this Monday!

Fresh Start - New Day! New Year!

Happy Year of the Dog!!!!!

I am super excited to be starting a new year!  I learned many lessons during the Year of the Rooster but I am ready for a truly fresh start.  The clean slate feels full of life and possibility.  I am not looking at how far I have to go - some of those numbers seem daunting, especially on day one.  I am choosing to focus on what I can do today and taking action.

Let the adventure begin!

Live As If...

We are winding up the Year of the Rooster.  Honestly, I am ready to move forward.  This year has been far different than I could have imagined.  That seems to be a recurring theme though...  We set out plans and goals and then set out on a journey.  Rarely is the journey quite what we thought it would be and rarely is it easier than imagined.

For me, this year was filled with mental struggles.  Many of the physical issues that had factored into the previous two years had been resolved.  The Year of the Rooster looked like it would be smooth sailing.  I had my goals.  I knew they were doable.  I was feeling pretty good.  I guess the first issue was that I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I let down my guard early.  I had too many days where I would get back on track the next day.  The more days that piled up, the harder it was to believe.

Belief has been probably my biggest obstacle this year.  The bigger the hole I dug by not doing my requirements, the harder it was to believe.  The longer it took me to get started on some of my personal goals, the harder it was to believe that I could start them, let alone finish them.  Really, I was not believing in myself. 

That is the key and the lesson from this year.  I need to find a way to believe.

Last week we were talking in class about the black belt grading and in particular the fitness test.  We were assured that it is completely doable.  There are black belts in every class that can attest to the fact that it can be done.  I do not doubt for a minute that it is doable.  I have serious doubts that it is doable for me - not just now, but ever.  To be honest, the word doubts doesn't feel strong enough here.

So what's a girl to do when she lacks belief?  Our beliefs are powerful.  We will live and die, succeed or fail by what we believe.  If I believe I can, then I stand a chance of being successful.  If I believe I can't, then I will be almost guaranteed to fail.  Powerful stuff...  This reality hangs heavy.  There are many areas in my life where I am lacking the level of belief that I need.

I have made a decision that the Year of the Dog will be the year that I push those beliefs.  The funny thing about the way I'm feeling is that I can't just decide overnight that something is doable.  I can say that I have completely done a 180 and changed my beliefs, but really - I'd be lying to you and to myself.  These beliefs are going to need to be pushed and challenged on a daily basis.  I need to quit relying on how I feel and just start doing.  If I want to grade for a black belt, I need to live as if I'm grading for a black belt.  With time and proper action, my belief system will have an opportunity to evolve.  But that is only if I live as if each and every moment of each day...

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.

- Mother Teresa

As Promised...

I have not consistently blogged this past year each week.  Rarely though have I gone more than 2 weeks.  Each time I have missed I have had a different reason (or excuse).  It is also rare that I don't realize that a blog has been missed so it is a choice that I have made.

I did not blog last week.  That is a fact. 

Where am I?  How am I doing?

I continue to show up to classes and demo practices but honestly, that has been pretty much it.  I am not doing well on this journey.  I am at a point of literally putting one foot in front of the other.  I show up because I promised I would but often my mind and heart are not in class with me.  I truly want to be fully present and I absolutely do not want to be all tangled up in my nunchucks (like I was yesterday), but many days that is not what happens.

In my personal life as a mom and wife, this past year has had many challenges.  In particular, the past few weeks have been particularly challenging.  Many of you know bits and pieces of our story.  I am in a hard place.  Some of the situation is purely my own making and I need to own my role in this messy place.  I have loved my family from a place of fear and just wanting to keep the peace.  Although peace is a beautiful goal, when it is combined with fear, complacency and inaction, it is not achievable.  Recognition that there are fractures between people I love is hard.  What is even harder is the reality that I can't fix it and really, that is not my job.  Combine all of this with hormones and teenagers and the threat of job losses, it can be like sitting on a landmine.  This minefield has me living in a state of survival mode most days lately it seems.  The mental and emotional burdens have left me utterly feeling maxed out.

When I signed up for the year of the rooster, I made many promises.  I made promises to Sifu Brinker.  I made promises to the team.  I made promises to my family.  I made promises to myself.  I have failed in all of these areas.  I do not take these failures lightly.  I apologize for the impact of these failures.

For the past week, I have been trying to write this blog.  Yesterday we all promised to blog by the end of Sunday.  As promised, here is my weekly check in. 

Boot Camp

Goals can be a funny thing...  They can motivate you to push forward or they can knock the wind out of your sails.  I have experienced both of these feelings in my struggles with maintaining a healthy weight.  

I have had to be very conscious about my choices with regards to my weight for my entire adult life.  I can look at a chocolate and I can feel parts of my body growing...  There are times when I have had amazing successes.  I have put in the hard work.  I have watched my eating habits.  I have had to say yes to the right things and no to the wrong things.  Often though after a period of success, I become complacent.  One bad choice leads to the next and before I know it, I am back at square one or in some instances, a few more steps even further back from there.

I have had a goal the past 3 years to get down to a goal weight and maintain it.  I felt that the IHC would simply give me the structure in order to achieve this.  I have had periods of resounding success.  I have had periods of serious backsliding.  The past six months have been a very serious case of the later.  

When it was time to set Year of the Dog goals, Sifu Brinker pushed me to not just set the same old goal but actually set out a real action plan in writing to keep me moving in the right direction.  The plan was always in mind but I had not gone far enough to write it down.  My hesitation to do so was that I have had the successes and then the relapse periods so many times - I was in many ways afraid to be held accountable.  My action plan includes both nutrition goals as well as fitness goals.

This brings me to the beginning of January...  The scale is reading a number that I simply believed that I would not see again.  I had won that battle.  I was beating myself up and that only lead me to go find some chocolate.  I know, really not helpful...  Then I decided to do something that would be helpful.

I walked into the kwoon and I told Sifu Freitag that I was going to do boot camp.  I could not form the sentence that said I wanted to do it.  Nothing in me wanted to do it.  Really, it sounds like a near death experience that will be witnessed by others.  Yet I knew that this is what I needed to do now, not later.  Before I could talk myself out of it, I paid and said that I would be there on Saturday.

Saturday came.  With fear and trembling I did show up.  Sifu Masterson asked us to focus on 3 C's - conditioning, core and combat.  All I could think of was S for survival.  It was hard.  I had moments where I thought I should just crawl back to the changeroom.  There were moments where it wasn't just my body that was betraying me but my mind (backward spiderman walking, anyone...).  I did do what I had set out to do that day.  I showed up and I finished the class.

The next day, oy....  I could hardly get out of bed.  It hurt to breathe.  I had core muscles around my lungs that I apparently have not taxed in quite some time.  Monday's kung fu class was a struggle, but once again, I showed up.  By the end of the week I was almost at the point where I felt I could try it again.

Then Saturday came...  I had every excuse in my brain going off.  I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go!!!!  Not even one single little part of me.  But I showed up.  I survived once again.  Today my hip is not happy and I can honestly say that boot camp is a royal pain in my butt - but I will be back.

I want to send out a huge thank you to Sifu Masterson for killing us so sweetly.  She really knows how to bring out the best in people.  I also want to send out a most heartfelt thank you to all the people who were also crazy enough to sign up.  Some of you make it look so easy, some of you not so much but none of you quit.  You are all such an encouragement to me and it makes it so much easier to simply keep showing back up.

Jumping Back In

The last two weeks have been amazing!  They were exactly what I needed.  The first week was too cold to leave the house.  It forced us all to press pause and rest.  I really needed that rest.  The second week we headed off to Calgary.  Not much of a pause or rest but lots of time spent enjoying people that I cherish without the distractions of life.

But life is still moving on...  This morning I woke up to see that it is indeed January 8th.  My wall calendar in the kitchen is still empty.  My kids are so excited to see all that white space but it is causing my anxiety.  I know that the white space is only an illusion and starting today we are all back to the real world.  My mom asked me this week why I feel the need to write down everything on this calendar.  I need the visual.  Seeing what is going on gives me structure to tackle the rest of life.

My mind is spinning in a million different directions.  Today is about catching my breath and restoring some order.  I'm sure I will need to ask myself the two questions we talk about all the time at kung fu constantly today...  Where am I?  What am I doing?  I know today I will need to fight to stay present in what I am currently doing.  I know that I will need to fight to finish what I start.  Often on days like this, I will follow my mind.  As it runs here and there, I will follow it.  At the end of the day, I am exhausted and unsure of what I was even up to since nothing was finished.  This is not the pattern I plan to jump back into this year.

So where to begin?  I chose to start right here.  Monday's have proven to be the best day for me to consistently blog.  I have also found that the best time for me to blog is right after the kids catch the bus.  Next will be kung fu class.  After that...  Well, I will figure it out then, the list of things that need order in my life is unending.  I do know that the kitchen calendar is high up on that list though.

As chaotic as my thoughts are right now, it does feel good to be jumping back in.