As Promised...

I have not consistently blogged this past year each week.  Rarely though have I gone more than 2 weeks.  Each time I have missed I have had a different reason (or excuse).  It is also rare that I don't realize that a blog has been missed so it is a choice that I have made.

I did not blog last week.  That is a fact. 

Where am I?  How am I doing?

I continue to show up to classes and demo practices but honestly, that has been pretty much it.  I am not doing well on this journey.  I am at a point of literally putting one foot in front of the other.  I show up because I promised I would but often my mind and heart are not in class with me.  I truly want to be fully present and I absolutely do not want to be all tangled up in my nunchucks (like I was yesterday), but many days that is not what happens.

In my personal life as a mom and wife, this past year has had many challenges.  In particular, the past few weeks have been particularly challenging.  Many of you know bits and pieces of our story.  I am in a hard place.  Some of the situation is purely my own making and I need to own my role in this messy place.  I have loved my family from a place of fear and just wanting to keep the peace.  Although peace is a beautiful goal, when it is combined with fear, complacency and inaction, it is not achievable.  Recognition that there are fractures between people I love is hard.  What is even harder is the reality that I can't fix it and really, that is not my job.  Combine all of this with hormones and teenagers and the threat of job losses, it can be like sitting on a landmine.  This minefield has me living in a state of survival mode most days lately it seems.  The mental and emotional burdens have left me utterly feeling maxed out.

When I signed up for the year of the rooster, I made many promises.  I made promises to Sifu Brinker.  I made promises to the team.  I made promises to my family.  I made promises to myself.  I have failed in all of these areas.  I do not take these failures lightly.  I apologize for the impact of these failures.

For the past week, I have been trying to write this blog.  Yesterday we all promised to blog by the end of Sunday.  As promised, here is my weekly check in.