Live As If...

We are winding up the Year of the Rooster.  Honestly, I am ready to move forward.  This year has been far different than I could have imagined.  That seems to be a recurring theme though...  We set out plans and goals and then set out on a journey.  Rarely is the journey quite what we thought it would be and rarely is it easier than imagined.

For me, this year was filled with mental struggles.  Many of the physical issues that had factored into the previous two years had been resolved.  The Year of the Rooster looked like it would be smooth sailing.  I had my goals.  I knew they were doable.  I was feeling pretty good.  I guess the first issue was that I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I let down my guard early.  I had too many days where I would get back on track the next day.  The more days that piled up, the harder it was to believe.

Belief has been probably my biggest obstacle this year.  The bigger the hole I dug by not doing my requirements, the harder it was to believe.  The longer it took me to get started on some of my personal goals, the harder it was to believe that I could start them, let alone finish them.  Really, I was not believing in myself. 

That is the key and the lesson from this year.  I need to find a way to believe.

Last week we were talking in class about the black belt grading and in particular the fitness test.  We were assured that it is completely doable.  There are black belts in every class that can attest to the fact that it can be done.  I do not doubt for a minute that it is doable.  I have serious doubts that it is doable for me - not just now, but ever.  To be honest, the word doubts doesn't feel strong enough here.

So what's a girl to do when she lacks belief?  Our beliefs are powerful.  We will live and die, succeed or fail by what we believe.  If I believe I can, then I stand a chance of being successful.  If I believe I can't, then I will be almost guaranteed to fail.  Powerful stuff...  This reality hangs heavy.  There are many areas in my life where I am lacking the level of belief that I need.

I have made a decision that the Year of the Dog will be the year that I push those beliefs.  The funny thing about the way I'm feeling is that I can't just decide overnight that something is doable.  I can say that I have completely done a 180 and changed my beliefs, but really - I'd be lying to you and to myself.  These beliefs are going to need to be pushed and challenged on a daily basis.  I need to quit relying on how I feel and just start doing.  If I want to grade for a black belt, I need to live as if I'm grading for a black belt.  With time and proper action, my belief system will have an opportunity to evolve.  But that is only if I live as if each and every moment of each day...

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.

- Mother Teresa