People vs Tasks

This past week was jam packed with appointments.  This stay at home, work from home momma was not in her home at all last week.  The result was not much work was completed - not housework, not client work, not kung fu practice...  I found the week was consumed with planning logistics of all these appointments and how to keep my family moving through it all.

The result of this was I was extremely task oriented this week.  It was all about where we needed to be, what we needed to be doing and at times what was not getting done.  There were kids rushed here and there.  There was a frazzled mom.  There was at least one comment about a mom not having time to listen.  What was the response?  Can't you see all these things I am doing for you!!!  I am doing my best!

After a quieter weekend and some space from the chaos, I've had some time to reflect.  My kids can't see the things I do for them.  I have been doing things for them their whole lives.  They would likely only notice if I stopped.  After all, that is my number one job in life.

Yes, my kids need me to be doing these things for them but they need something more.  They need their mom.  They need me to be able to sit and listen.  They need me to be actually present and not trying to figure out how to move the conversation along so that we can rush to whatever is next.  They need to laugh and cry.  They need to be heard.

I get this...  This is a need we all have.  Then why is it so hard? 

As I was brushing my teeth, thinking this over and trying to plan my blog, a visual hit me...  My brain constantly feels like the navigation system in a vehicle.  Every breath, every move, every decision my brain is re-calibrating...  Can't you just hear that annoying voice now? 

One day for fun Waylon set the maps app on my phone for our home address as we were driving home from his best friends.  Then just to add to that fun, I decided I would do everything I could to drive home using a different path without actually deviating too far out of the way.  With every turn, there was a voice either telling me it was re-calibrating or telling me to make an illegal u-turn...  Definitely words of wisdom to live by or not...

There have been quite a few blogs talking about mindfulness lately.  When I am busy re-calibrating and planning out my next million steps in life, I am not in the moment.  Rarely do I even end up following the million steps I had just planned out.  Why?  Well, I re-calibrated yet again...

What do I need?  Well, it appears it is not the next million steps.  What I actually need is to slow down and really see the people who are right in front of me at that moment.  This is not easy for a task-oriented person.  The drive to get more done and to achieve mastery is often very task-oriented.  This is something that I can more easily identify with personality-wise.  But, what is the point of mastery if my people are not supported by me on my journey.

This week I will do my best to pause with my people - to laugh, to cry, to be present...   While still getting the stuff done...

Numbers as of March 11/18
Push ups      2185/ 50 000
Sit ups         2214/ 50 000
Kempo           21/ 1000
WuDang Sword 63/ 1000
Distance     120.3/1609
Kicks       360/ 50 000
Sparring     0/ 1000
AoK         76/1000
Gratitude  76/1000
Journal      21/355
Piano    4.8 hours/ 80 hours
Reading   2/24 books
Geocaches  4/120 finds

The Reality Model

The past week I read a great little book by Hyrum W. Smith called "You Are What You Believe - Simple Steps to Transform Your Life".  He has spent a large portion of his life and career influencing people all over the world.  Over time he has developed a model of how people make the choices they make.  I will attempt to take what he so eloquently wrote in the book and break it quickly down into a blog post....

The basics of the model are that we all have four basic human needs.  We need to survive.  We need to love and be loved.  We need to feel important (significance).  We need variety.

We all have a belief window.  This is where we put the principles that we live by.  This is where we put our beliefs, assumptions, morals, values.  We place principles onto our belief window because we believe that is how we are going to get our human needs met. We look at the entire world and our lives through this window.

Then based our the view, we make up internal rules.  If this happens, then this...  Often this step happens with absolutely no conscious thought because we are reacting to what is on our belief window.  The next step is we step out in action.  Often again, there is not much conscious thought here.  Then finally, we have our results.  This process often happens absolutely seamlessly without us even knowing it has happened.

The point of the book was to first look at our actions and results.  He challenged the readers to ask what need do we think a particular action is meeting and then the most important question...  Will that action meet our needs long term.

He had the opportunity to go into high schools all over the States.  In one instance, the principal of the school chose to not have Hyrum talk to the entire student body, only 50 of his hardest cases.  The teens that were place in the room with Hyrum were the worst of the worst.  This school was in a severely disadvantaged area.  Many of this teens had already served time.  Many of them were battling addictions. 

The beauty of this model is it allows you to look at hard behaviours in a way that does not personally attack the person.  Hyrum took on the challenge of leading this group of teens through the process where they talked about drugs.  The kids quickly identified the need for variety as the driver behind this behaviour.  He then challenged them to think of role models, for lack of a better way of describing them, that had made similar choices.  The kids were quick to name people like Elvis Presley, Janis Joplin, John Belushi.  The kids were excited and feeling very justified in their choice for variety until Hyrum asked the second question.  Where are these people today?  They are all dead.  How did they die?  Drug overdoses.  Did their behaviour meet their needs over time?  Well, it definitely violated the need to survive completely.

Six weeks later, the principal called Hyrum wanting to know what he had done.  10 of the 50 teens in that room that day had completely turned their lives around using this model.

So, you may ask what does this have to do with my journey... 

No, I am not struggling with a drug addiction unless you call chocolate a drug.  Then I may be in trouble.  Yet I still make choices that are definitely not standing up over time.  The IHC program has some tough requirements.  You succeed and fail at this program a little at a time, each day.  It demands discipline.  There is that little voice inside me that says that that is not very fun...  Sometimes that voice is yelling because let's face it, push ups are not fun.

Sifu Brinker has been talking about effortless effort for years.  I understand the concept but the beauty of it can't be found without building the habits and structure in our lives.  I have talked about building habits.  I have started and stopped with habits so many times that I can't remember if I'm starting or stopping anymore but the reality is the same - I fight it because I am seeking variety.  Is it working for me?  Not at all!

This need for variety is just the tip of the iceberg for me.  Underneath that tip is a whole bunch of principles on my belief window that are slowing me down or down right stopping me.  I tell myself that I can't do things.  I tell myself that getting a black belt is totally doable for the next guy but not for me.  I tell myself that I do not have time yet I keep saying yes to everyone who asks me to do something.  That is just to name a few things that are lurking under the surface that this short, little book has been painfully ripping the bandaids off of.

The truth is mastery is built on repetition.  Repetition is hard to maintain.  Why?  It is not exciting and we seek variety.  The question I need to be asking is how can I satisfy the need for variety while building the routines I need to succeed.  Right now I am having so much fun with my sword form that it is almost ridiculous!  It is new.  It is totally different from anything else I have learned.  But...  I also know full well that there will come a time in the year where it will not seem so new and exciting but to strive for mastery, I will need to continue to push through that and keep going.  I will need to rely on some of my personal requirements to pepper life with the spice and variety that I seek while building the base of the routines for the rest.

As for my thinking and self doubt...  That will continue to be a work in progress as I look at my belief window.  It is going to be a near constant battle to replace the beliefs that are so deeply imprinted but surrounding by the support of the community we are building, I will keep on pressing in.

As for right now...  I have not built the routines needed to maintain the numbers I have promised.  Inspite of that fact, I have done more since the Year of the Dog started than I have done prior to the start of the year.  I am building the base to keep moving forward.  Using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons suggested has helped me consistently keep track of my numbers and gives me honest feedback on where I am at compared to where I need to be.

Push ups      1825/ 50 000
Sit ups         1704/ 50 000
Kempo           15/ 1000
WuDang Sword 53/ 1000
Distance     83.4/1609
Kicks       210/ 50 000
Sparring     0/ 1000
AoK         53/1000
Gratitude  53/1000
Journal      15/355
Piano    225 min/ 4800 min
Reading   2/24 books

I have a few personal goals that I have not started on but with the busy month of February behind me - I am ready to get on those as well.

Construction Zone - Proceed with Caution

There are times in life when you wonder why you are where you are.  Then there are times when you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.  This weekend was one of those moments.

I was provided the opportunity to attend a women's conference on Friday night and Saturday during the day.  Leading up to the event I had hummed and hawed at whether I should go.  Chad was sent out of town...  Can I leave the kids for entire day?  Will they burn the house down?  (At lunch on Saturday, they assured me that only half the house was actually burned down so we are half good.)

I chose to put the questions aside and just go.  I was exactly where I needed to be.  I was blessed to be surrounded by amazing ladies.  I cried more than my share of tears (I am still perhaps a wee bit dehydrated).  I walked away with a new perspective that I am now working to apply to my life.

The speaker on Saturday morning used an example that I found hit home particularly hard.  The image was one of a person who spins plates.  They start with one...  That's pretty cool...  Then you add another...  That seems to be going ok...  Then it's another...  The crowd is cheering and asking for more plates....  On and on... 

The plates represent the many things we juggle in life.  I personally have quite an array of plates on any given day.  Sometimes (actually more often than I'd like to admit), I drop one.  I take a moment, get out the glue and then it's back to spinning.  Funny thing is that I often find a couple more plates to spin in those moments.  The plates look cool up there spinning.  Everyone is focused on the plates.

Now for just a second look down at the person who is doing the spinning.  That person in not the picture of calm and stability.  Once that person hits a certain threshold of plates, they become more and more frantic, running around trying to keep those plates up in the air.  Yes indeed, that is me.  Frantic, running....  My heart and soul yearn for peace and stability.

I spent time this past weekend starting to sort through the plates I've been spinning.  I have been asking hard questions.  Questions like why am I spinning this?  Is this even my plate to spin?  Did I agree to take on that plate to please someone?  Am I spinning this one just for the sake of ego?  Those are some of the roots that I have found in the plates as I've looked at them - people pleasing and ego.

The new  vision that I am working towards is holding a much smaller stack of plates and not to be holding them alone.  I only want to hold the plates that have been carefully selected and that can manage without chaos.  This will take time as I sift through the questions.

So here's where that construction zone reference in the title comes in!  You may want to proceed with caution.  There may be plates flying here and there and everywhere as I sort through them. 

Never Miss a Monday...

Monday is my reset day.  I send my family out into the world and I take a moment to collect myself and set the world back into some semblance of order.  This is the day I use to really look at my week and put on my game face.  An important part of that process for me is sitting down to write my blog.

Now I must admit, today does not look like a traditional Monday...  There are people everywhere and it is a little more challenging to establish order when they are in my midst.  They may need to tread carefully or they will be given jobs (that'll teach them to not have school).

This is the first Monday of the Dog Year.  Even though it is not a normal Monday, I was determined to start the year off right.  That was one of my lessons from last year.  It is easy to say that I will do my requirements later - after all, I do have all year...  I have also learned that it is easy to dig a big hole and even though the journey is about continual improvement, that hole can really kick the motivation right out the door.  It is harder and harder to start as the hole grows larger and larger. 

So far this year, I am mostly on track.  I am off to a good start.  I am using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons recommended.  It is working way better for me than the spreadsheet I was using last year.  I had planned to go back to pen and paper but this makes it feel a little like a game to be honest.  I gives it a fresh feeling and I happen to have my tracking system with me most off the time.

I am off to reset and conquer this Monday!

Fresh Start - New Day! New Year!

Happy Year of the Dog!!!!!

I am super excited to be starting a new year!  I learned many lessons during the Year of the Rooster but I am ready for a truly fresh start.  The clean slate feels full of life and possibility.  I am not looking at how far I have to go - some of those numbers seem daunting, especially on day one.  I am choosing to focus on what I can do today and taking action.

Let the adventure begin!

Live As If...

We are winding up the Year of the Rooster.  Honestly, I am ready to move forward.  This year has been far different than I could have imagined.  That seems to be a recurring theme though...  We set out plans and goals and then set out on a journey.  Rarely is the journey quite what we thought it would be and rarely is it easier than imagined.

For me, this year was filled with mental struggles.  Many of the physical issues that had factored into the previous two years had been resolved.  The Year of the Rooster looked like it would be smooth sailing.  I had my goals.  I knew they were doable.  I was feeling pretty good.  I guess the first issue was that I thought it would be smooth sailing.  I let down my guard early.  I had too many days where I would get back on track the next day.  The more days that piled up, the harder it was to believe.

Belief has been probably my biggest obstacle this year.  The bigger the hole I dug by not doing my requirements, the harder it was to believe.  The longer it took me to get started on some of my personal goals, the harder it was to believe that I could start them, let alone finish them.  Really, I was not believing in myself. 

That is the key and the lesson from this year.  I need to find a way to believe.

Last week we were talking in class about the black belt grading and in particular the fitness test.  We were assured that it is completely doable.  There are black belts in every class that can attest to the fact that it can be done.  I do not doubt for a minute that it is doable.  I have serious doubts that it is doable for me - not just now, but ever.  To be honest, the word doubts doesn't feel strong enough here.

So what's a girl to do when she lacks belief?  Our beliefs are powerful.  We will live and die, succeed or fail by what we believe.  If I believe I can, then I stand a chance of being successful.  If I believe I can't, then I will be almost guaranteed to fail.  Powerful stuff...  This reality hangs heavy.  There are many areas in my life where I am lacking the level of belief that I need.

I have made a decision that the Year of the Dog will be the year that I push those beliefs.  The funny thing about the way I'm feeling is that I can't just decide overnight that something is doable.  I can say that I have completely done a 180 and changed my beliefs, but really - I'd be lying to you and to myself.  These beliefs are going to need to be pushed and challenged on a daily basis.  I need to quit relying on how I feel and just start doing.  If I want to grade for a black belt, I need to live as if I'm grading for a black belt.  With time and proper action, my belief system will have an opportunity to evolve.  But that is only if I live as if each and every moment of each day...

Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come.  We have only today.  Let us begin.

- Mother Teresa

As Promised...

I have not consistently blogged this past year each week.  Rarely though have I gone more than 2 weeks.  Each time I have missed I have had a different reason (or excuse).  It is also rare that I don't realize that a blog has been missed so it is a choice that I have made.

I did not blog last week.  That is a fact. 

Where am I?  How am I doing?

I continue to show up to classes and demo practices but honestly, that has been pretty much it.  I am not doing well on this journey.  I am at a point of literally putting one foot in front of the other.  I show up because I promised I would but often my mind and heart are not in class with me.  I truly want to be fully present and I absolutely do not want to be all tangled up in my nunchucks (like I was yesterday), but many days that is not what happens.

In my personal life as a mom and wife, this past year has had many challenges.  In particular, the past few weeks have been particularly challenging.  Many of you know bits and pieces of our story.  I am in a hard place.  Some of the situation is purely my own making and I need to own my role in this messy place.  I have loved my family from a place of fear and just wanting to keep the peace.  Although peace is a beautiful goal, when it is combined with fear, complacency and inaction, it is not achievable.  Recognition that there are fractures between people I love is hard.  What is even harder is the reality that I can't fix it and really, that is not my job.  Combine all of this with hormones and teenagers and the threat of job losses, it can be like sitting on a landmine.  This minefield has me living in a state of survival mode most days lately it seems.  The mental and emotional burdens have left me utterly feeling maxed out.

When I signed up for the year of the rooster, I made many promises.  I made promises to Sifu Brinker.  I made promises to the team.  I made promises to my family.  I made promises to myself.  I have failed in all of these areas.  I do not take these failures lightly.  I apologize for the impact of these failures.

For the past week, I have been trying to write this blog.  Yesterday we all promised to blog by the end of Sunday.  As promised, here is my weekly check in.