Quieting the Nerves

This morning I was reflecting on my morning walk with my favourite fur-guy.  This past week has been filled with emotions.  I am still processing many of them.  As I was processing them, the usual Monday morning thought came up...  What on earth am I going to blog about?!?

One of the requirements of the IHC program is to do at least three public performances throughout the year.  This is a requirement that originally made me cringe - I really dislike getting up in front of people.  I used to be a ball of nerves and a complete wreck if asked to lead a warm up or to do my form in front of the class.  How on earth was I going to do anything in public?

As part of our classes, we start by really desensitizing ourselves to some of these nerves by regularly doing our forms for each other.  This gives us a safe environment to step out in and practice how to handle a performance.  We practice performing.  Gradually, these practice performance are no longer fear inducing.  I have learned to handle my nerves in this safe environment.

Now, just because I have learned how to manage my nerves in the kwoon, does not mean that I have nailed my nerves when it comes time to perform for the public.  The first year in the program, my weapons form was challenging and to be honest, I can count on one hand how many times I managed to complete it without dropping my staff or causing some sort of bodily harm to myself - many times both would happen at the same time.  I learned through experience that you can whack yourself in the head and drop your staff in front of over 300 people and the world, will indeed, keep rotating on it's axis.

Now what does this have to do with my week last week?

Earlier this summer my grandma asked me to do a reading at her funeral.  Knowing that her days were not many, she had spent time planning how she wanted to be celebrated and remembered.  Last Monday afternoon she was set free from her pain and suffering.  On Friday, we made the trip to Killiam to celebrate her life.

Funerals are hard.  I cry at the drop of a hat at the best of times, so funerals are especially hard.  Then add to that the nerves of getting up in front of a large crowd to do a reading.  Add to this that the funeral was being held in the Catholic Church, filled with traditions and practices that I was not familiar with.  Add to this that the reading was from a book of the Catholic Bible that is not part of the Protestant Bible that I am familiar with.  Add to that the full realization and weight of the privilege of being asked to do a reading by the person being remembered.  To say my nerves were nearly shot would be an understatement.

When it was time to do the reading, I was able to walk up to the front of that church and speak clearly.  I give the many opportunities to practice quieting my nerves credit for much of that.  I was able to take a moment to focus my mind and take a cleansing breathe.  I was able to honour my grandma.  That is a gift that I will cherish always.

Folding Therapy

This week has been filled to overflowing with emotion and noise.  I've really struggled to put words to all of it, especially words that I am willing to share with the world.  This morning, I was sitting quietly at the kitchen table after the kids left for school folding cranes.  The feeling of peace that the simple act of making folds on paper was exactly what I needed at that moment.  It provided a quiet moment in the chaos.  It provided a healthy place for my mind to focus.  And I have a pile of cranes now as a bonus!

Reminder of the Why

This weekend we were asked to take a look at the goals we had agreed to and the ones that we had set for ourselves.  We were then asked to ask ourselves why.  Why are these important to you?  Why do them?  With your why in sight, it is easier to push through.

I had not looked at my goals over the summer.  Perhaps that is one of the reasons for my struggles recently.  I have them listed in the front of my journal (that I was negligent to write in faithfully this summer too).  I have read them and have been putting a great deal of thought into my why's.

So why?  Why for starters did I sign up for the IHC program?  Why do I keep coming back year after year?  Why do I find it hard to imagine my life now without this program?

As I write this, my grandma is lying in a hospital bed in her final days, perhaps minutes.  Situations like this give us time to truly reflect on what is most important in life.  When I think of her, I see over 90 years of dedication to family, her faith and her community.  I see a marriage that has lasted over 70 years.  I see a woman who has had to fight for her health multiple times over her life and is a true survivor.  I see a quiet inner strength and dedication that is truly impossible to put into words.

So why?  I want to be the best possible version of me that I can possibly be.  In some cases, it is clear what I want to achieve.  I want to be an amazing wife, mom and friend.  I want to be strong and healthy.  None of this happens by accident but with great intention.  In other areas, it is not so clear.  That is the beauty of goals that lead to inner discovery.  I do not know in every case what this best possible version of me looks like and that is ok.  None of this is a one and done thing.  It is a process of waking up each morning and doing what I can do in that day and then starting over the next day and repeating.  Some days can feel like you've made some progress, others you can feel like you've backslid.  The important thing is to keep keeping on.  I will not reach this best possible version of me by chance or by luck.  

So today, I will do what I can do.  Then tomorrow, I will do it again.

Goodbye Summer... Goodbye Stinkin' Thinkin'

Today I spent the most wonderful day with my family at Fort Edmonton Park.  It was exactly what I needed to end this season.

With back to school looming in the morning, I will do my best to stiffle a happy dance at about 9:00 tomorrow morning.  It is time to refocus for all of us.  The chillaxed pace of summer was nice in many ways but it has left me with the need to get back on track.

The first step in this process actually started on Friday.  It was such a beautiful night out.  I poured myself a glass of wine and went out to my deck to catch up on MightyNetworks...  Yikes!  I was more than a little behind on my reading but the messages you all had to share were so encouraging.  Then I took some advice that Sifu T. Beckett left on my last blog and I sat down with my own journal and wrote.  Her advice was to write a letter to myself as if I was not me but someone else.  I find it so easy to encourage others but find it really hard to not beat myself up.  My internal dialog is brutal to put it nicely.  I would never dream of saying the words that I use on myself on anyone else ever.  I wrote to myself with love and grace and it was so good.

Tonight was the next step in the process.  It is all well and good to give yourself a pep talk but at some point you need to acknowledge exactly where things are at.  I spent some time and updated my kung fu log...  It is looking pretty empty for the summer.  I know that I did more than my log reflects BUT I did not write it down so it is gone.  The numbers are pretty humbling really but tonight I am choosing to not beat myself up over what is in the past.  I can't change that I did not do very much to progress many of my goals this summer.  I can't change that in some cases what I did do is not documented.  What I can do is take a deep breathe and start moving forward.

That brings me to the final step in this process for now...  Just do something!  I did a couple sets of push ups.  I am going to post this blog and then I am going to do some more plus some sit ups.  Then I am going to sit down with my journal and write about my wonderful day and how great it feels to be getting back on track.  I am going to write down the things I am grateful for and any acts of kindness I can remember from the past couple days.  Then it's off to bed with a book.

Tomorrow feels like a fresh start and I am ready to leave the stinkin' thinkin' behind and get back to business!

Finding Value in Your Story

I have been giving some serious thought lately to the value of keeping a journal.  This is one topic that seems to come up very regularly.  Rarely does a month go by without a poke that we need to be consistently documenting our journey.

I definitely see the value in keeping a journal.  For the majority of the first two years of my IHC journey I faithfully kept a daily journal.  I would write about the highs and lows of the day.  I would write down my acts of kindness.  I would write about what I have to be grateful for.  This was the one requirement that really helped me stay engaged.  It kept my heart and mind in the game.

This summer I have allowed mediocrity to slip in and the journalling has stopped.  If this is the number one requirement that keeps me engaged - why have I allowed this to happen?  The answer is complicated.

I did go back and read my journals for the past two years.  They hold so much...  My journey has not been easy.  They are filled with truimphs and tears and then more tears and frustration and overwhelm.  I had no idea of what life would look like when I signed up yet I am so grateful that I did.  The people, the requirements, the accountability has often been what has kept me putting one foot in front of the other.  My journals tell a hard, emotional story of someone who just refused to give up.  The story is mine yet it is not one I would have chosen.  I suppose I would have chosen an easier journey filled with mountain top experiences.  That easier story would not be filled with the hard lessons I have learned and the internal strength I have had to find.  Perhaps with time I grow to truly appreciate that story but as of late it has left me feeling a wee bit funky.

Yet, here I sit with my journal and I just can't seem to open it and put pen to paper.  That inability to act has then seeped into other areas of my journey.  I know what I need to do.  I need to just go open it.

The irony of the whole situation is that my sister bought me this journal specifically for this purpose.  This is a picture of the front cover.  For the past month I have allowed that cover to intimidate me instead of motivate me.  So...  I'm going to go sit down and write for at five minutes before I get ready to head to class.

Life Really Did Happen...

Anniversaries have a way of bringing about an array of emotions.  There are happy anniversaries like wedding anniversaries, the birth of a child or other major life milestones reached.  There are hard anniversaries like the death of a loved one.  The one thing they all have in common is that each one signals a significant life change for the people who continue to be impacted throughout the years.

For our family, today is one of those anniversaries.  For me in particular it is a hard one.  Two years ago the life of my family was altered in a split second when someone failed to slow down for a stop sign.  I could have never imagined the path that our family would travel after.

I am physically as healed as I am ever going to be but I am different.  I know that we are all different at the end of each day than we are when we start but this is much more pronounced that those types of changes.  I have a new brain and some days I still struggle as I am learning how to best operate it.  The journey has been hard but I have learned so much about myself and my family in the process.

The past few weeks have been especially hard.  I would have thought at this stage of the game it would be easier but it has not been.  I have been working with a lawyer to finish up my claim.  Unfortunately, that is an extremely negative process.  I have had to document all the time I've spent in appointments and the negative impacts that accident has had on my life.  I have had to go back and read my old journals with the focus of looking for the hard - documenting the overwhelm, anxiety and depression that have been part of the past two years.  I have had to read letters written by professionals who have treated me documenting the long term impacts they foresee for my mental health.  It has been very hard to keep myself in a good headspace while doing this.  Reliving the negative moments has greatly impacted my life.

That day I took a few moments to write a blog.  I am so grateful that I did.  That day I chose to focus on gratitude.  Today I needed to be reminded that even in the hard, there are things to be grateful for.  There is always something to be grateful for.  Sometimes you just need to look a little harder...


http://kbergie.blogspot.ca/2015/08/life-happened.html

Summer Lovin'

I can hardly believe it's already the end of July.  In the chaos of June, I look forward to having things be a little more relaxed for a couple months.  Then I flip the calendar page and it usually does not feel much more relaxed - still great but definitely not relaxed.

July has found us...
* making trips to the lake
* running back and forth from horse camp
* driving through crazy weather to drive to Hunter's Ed camp
* camping
* picking saskatoons by the bucket load
* eating lunch in the pea patch (sh....  don't tell my kids.  That's where I hide...)

In many ways, this month has been therapy for my soul.  I love picking berries and we will not talk about the peas that never seem to make it into my house...  Brings back incredible memories from my childhood.  Being unplugged and away camping was so good - reading by the campfire, walking my sweet Guiness, watching the kids try to catch fish from shore.

As good as this has all been for my soul, it has definitely not been the best for my kung fu or most of my IHC commitments.  The past couple days have been focused on resetting and trying to slide back into some sort of a routine.  I want to look back on the summer with my soul full and not have regrets about where and how I spent my time.