Why?

This week we were asked an important question. 

Why do we continue to train in the martial arts?

The answer is different for each person and often from moment to moment.  

For me, the first answer that came to my mind was because I love the mental challenge.  I love to learn new things.  The martial arts provides me with an opportunity to continually challenge myself - how I think, how I move, how I live...

Often there are other secondary reasons why, but usually it all boils back to this one reason.  There obviously is the physical aspect because I definitely need to get into better shape.  There is the emotional aspect because the people at the kwoon have become family.  But these reasons can all be filled outside the martial arts.  

The martial arts feeds a part of who I am as a person and constantly demands more of me than I can give at any moment but inspires me to keep pressing forward.

June - Farmer's Day & Time to Get a Move On

Did anyone else wake up Saturday morning to the crazy realization that it is JUNE!!!!  Where is the time going? We are well into this IHC year.  The turning of the calendar always prompts me to take a closer look at the state of my world. 

First let's start with the good!  Farmer's Day!!!  The parade was a ton of fun.  Thank you to the early morning crew that put the float together - it looked fantastic!  If I am to be honest, I am not a huge fan of walking in the parade.  I find it very much a sensory overload.  But I do love the time that we spend as a team before and after the parade.  It is such a great time to get together and spend some time laughing and getting to know each other on a more personal level.

Demo #1 is out of the way!  I always find the first one of the year the hardest.  At the last IHC class when it was time to perform our most current form, I was really struggling with my nerves.  I usually have a pretty good memory but that night I kept forgetting my form.  I carried that fear and concern into this weekend's demo.  I was really worried that I was going to forget my form or drop my fan - basically just freeze out there.  I was pleasantly surprised about how well it all went.  It was also fun to watch my favourite son get to do his first solo lion dance as a head. 

As for my current mental state - I am honestly doing much better this past week.  I am not sure what exactly has changed but I am going to embrace feeling more human and far less overwhelmed and weepy.  I am still doing a great deal of self care but I am finding that I am able to take a more proactive approach than just being reactive.

That's the good stuff....  Now for all the rest of the list....

I am not where I would like to be considering this is supposed to be my grading year.  Numbers are really behind.  Written assignments have not happened.  Board breaks and 5 techniques have not been touched.  Time is ticking and I do not want it to get any further away on me than it currently has.  Step #1 has happened.  I have acknowledged where I am at.

Now for Step #2.  To put the negative feelings about where I am at behind me and to just light a fire under myself and get about doing the next right thing.  I can't go back in time.  All the wishing it looked different will not change where I am right this moment.  All I can control is where I am headed next.

Intentional vs Busy

It is one of the most commonly used words people use to describe life today - busy...

Busy is defined as having a great deal to do or to keep occupied.

We all have a great deal to do.  We all wear many hats.  We are all good at keeping ourselves occupied.  We are all busy.

But are we all being intentional?

Intentional is defined as being deliberate or done on purpose.

There is a huge difference between living a busy life and living with intentional.  Intent has been a key focus in classes lately.  We are asked to focus ourselves in a particular direction - to do the techniques with purpose.  This is a lesson that I am continually trying to pull into the rest of my life.

It is easy to be busy.  I wear many hats.  I can keep myself moving along at quite a pace and stay busy all day long.  Some days I looked back and I can see all sorts of progress and accomplishment.  Then there are the other days where I can't really remember what I have done and I have left a trail of half done life.  My squirrel brain far too often defaults to this type of living.  I can relate to the book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" by Laura Numeroff.  If you haven't read this delightful picture book - just google it, there are tons of YouTube videos reading it out.  It truly describes many days in my life and I know that I am not alone.  Each moment is a distraction from the last moment.  It is easy to be busy doing stuff but is it the right stuff?

I have been working hard to shift from busy to intentional in how I live.  Keeping my eyes not only on where I am but where I want to be.  I keep asking myself the questions - Where am I?  What am I doing? 

I make myself short lists to keep myself accountable and to give myself a focus to draw back to.  I listened to a podcast yesterday that spoke specifically about this.  She recommended keeping your to do list really short and really doable because when you write it down on your to do list for today, it becomes a promise to yourself that you are going to get it done.  When we don't complete what is on our lists, we are breaking promises to ourselves.  Unfortunately, this is a bad habit that I have personally formed.  I will bend over backwards to keep my word to others but I break commitments I make to myself all the time.  Shorter lists will mean less broken promises.

I set a very specific intention for this year.  My intent was to be on the mats on grading day.  In order to make this a reality, I need to start living intentionally today and each and every day between now and that date.  The struggle has been this is not the only area of life where I need to live with great intention.  This means constant evaluation of all my hats and honestly does not allow for any random busyness.  Every single moment must be focused on doing the next right thing on one area or another of my life.  If I truly live with great intent focusing where I must, I will see results that I can look back on and feel good about.  For today, that looks like writing this blog, cleaning my bathrooms, finishing a book club book and doing some math with my girl, working on the bookkeeping of a specific client and of course doing my requirements for the IHC.  Nothing truly huge or glamorous but all very necessary to the life that is important to me.  Once these are done, then I can look around and figure out what the next right steps for the remainder of my day are.  Keeping my focus in each moment, breathing deeply at times and making that next right step.

Still Here but Still Struggling....

It has been a month since my last blog.  I was struggling mentally but chose to just do the next right thing even though I really didn't feel like I had much to share.  The hope was that as I continued to make those next right steps that things would start to improve.  That was not the case....

The week following that blog was mentally one of my hardest.  There just seems to be things coming from every direction and I have been mentally and emotionally very limited in my ability to cope with all of it with much grace.  The result was that I had to pull way back.  When you fly they always tell people to put on their own oxygen masks before they assist others.  As a momma and someone who cares very deeply about others, I find this hard but it has become very necessary.

What does this look like?  Sometimes it has meant making it to kung fu classes.  Sometimes it looks like not being able to step into the kwoon because I feel unable to handle the noise and busyness of the environment.  Many days it has looked like having an afternoon nap, heading to bed early and therapy sessions with my pup.  Somedays I laugh, many I cry.  I have tried to not have my struggles affect the people around me, especially my family, but I know that I am failing at that.

Where does this place me on my journey this year?  Well definitely not where I planned to be!  Thankfully I have learned that you can set goals for your year but you rarely end up exactly where you planned irregardless of whether you are on track or not.  I am not on track but I do make progress most days.  I have not given up.  I have been avoiding journalling and blogging because I do not particularly like to record the yuck but I know that this is a tool I need to start using in order to start managing my own head space.  Will I be grading this year?  This door has not been closed but I have not been able to make it a focus either.  I will use the tools given to me to deal with the mental issues while also working through the physical symptoms that have started to pop up as a result.  I will just have to see where this journey leads me...

In the meantime, I am off to the lab....  And perhaps some garden therapy....

Taking Little Steps

I did not blog last week.  Why?  I could give you a bunch of lousy excuses trying to make it all sound better but the honest truth is - I did not want to blog last week.  I am really struggling mentally the past few weeks.  It was not a case of I have nothing to write.  It was a case of having nothing that I wanted to share.

So since I am now blogging, does this mean that I have straightened out the mental funk and mess from the past few weeks?  Nope, unfortunately I don't think I've made much progress there.

Then why am I blogging?  This is one of the million baby steps I promised that I would take this year.

Where am I?  Right now I honestly can't focus on the big picture.  When I look at the big picture I get too overwhelmed to even move or think. 

What am I doing?  All I can do right now is the next little step.  I am trying to use the tools that I have been given.  So far this morning it has looked like a long walk with my fur friend and this blog. 

Today I will do what I can and tomorrow I will repeat that. 

My Heart is Full...

This weekend has been a whirlwind of wonderful!

Yesterday my sweet baby girl became a teenager!  What!?!  How did that happen?  This weekend was filled with celebrating her - a birthday dinner out as a family on Friday, a special breakfast and birthday apple crisp on Saturday and a huge shopping trip today to start updating her bedroom.

If that was not enough to fill the weekend, a sweet friend said "I do!" on Saturday as well.  I have to say this was one of the most powerful and beautiful weddings that I have ever been blessed to attend.  The heart of this couple for each other and the people they love shone bright this weekend.  This included an amazing moment where the bride took the time to single out my girl and give her some roses out of her bouquet, a birthday card and a present right in the middle of her own reception.  This selfless act left a huge mark on the people who witnessed it especially Georgia, yet was completely in character for this exceptional young lady.

I would love to say that the I will be stepping out of the whirlwind and settling into the week but I took a peek at my calendar and this week is going to be a hopping one.  My partner in crime has fled town for work and will be gone most of April so I am flying solo in the chaos.  Needless to say, I am ready for bed but I will fall asleep with a huge smile on my face. 

Ouch! And not the good kind....

This week started out awesome!  The new routine with the gym membership was working out fantastic.  My requirements were being done daily.  I was looking forward to totaling up everything at the end of the week and basking in the sheer awesomeness!  That is until it stopped being so awesome.

One of my personal requirements this year is to go for a monthly massage.  The purpose behind this requirement was first to take care of my body and to keep it running as best I can while abusing it preparing for grading day.  I finally went for my first one this week.  If you want a seriously good torture session - I have found the girl for you! 

The first night I felt pretty good.  The second day I had many very tender spots but overall was feeling pretty great.  Then Thursday this nagging pain started on my left side of my tush.  By Friday there was no doubt in my mind that my sciatic nerve has a rather significant beef with the poking and prodding it received.  I walked and stretched and used the foam roller and by Saturday morning was actually feeling much better.  I did a lame attempt at the Advanced Combatives Class and chose to not push through open training.  It appear that I may have done too much yesterday anyways because it is really cranky again today.

I am grateful that the week started off strong.  It helps a little to make up for the not so fantastic finish.  I will get this pain in my tush figured out as quickly as possible and will do as much as I can in the meantime hopefully without aggravating it further.  It appears that my aging body is just like my kung fu, sometimes things need to get broken before they can be fixed...