Life is NOT a Project

I have just started reading a book about getting your house under control.  I know for myself, the state of my home tends to match the state of my mind and really the state of my life.  A little inside peek...  Chaos is reigning supreme.  Sometimes it can be hidden.  Sometimes it is right there screaming loudly.

The chapter I just read was about perspective.  People have a tendency to like projects.  There is the thrill of starting.  You make your plan (read as a really big list that you will truly conquer).  You check things off this list.  Then it's finished.  WooHoo!  Then it's on to the next super exciting thing.  Or if you are not successful, the list gets lost or you rip it to tiny pieces and it's off to the next project.

As I was reading, it really struck me that most of my life is not really a project.  There is no glorious start, a mountain to climb with a spectacular finish line.  Life is about the little, every day, often tedious and not very exciting things.  It is in the actual doing of these things that a life well lived will develop.  Mediocrity likes to hide in these little things and that is why they can be so hard to continue doing day after day.  The example she used was doing the dishes.  You can wish, plan, dream about them but the only way that your kitchen will look clean is - To wash the dishes!!!!  You have to do the work and then in some cases immediately do the work again.

I have mentally treated some of my goals this year as projects that really are not.  This has not served me well.  I have had little to no success on these particular goals.  As a result, they are back on the requirement list again for next year.  This year's approach did not work so I'm seeking a different approach.  That is where this book came in.  The things that are truly important to me at this time in my life are not projects.  Areas like my relationships, my health, my home are not one and done.  They require constant steps in the right direction.  I would love to wave a wand and reach my destination but I know that by not walking the daily steps, I can't even hope to maintain what I was given.

With that I am off to make some little steps and in case you are wondering...  Yes, my dishes are all done!

A Crazy, Wonderful Season

Last week I talked about how much I dislike using the word busy to describe my full life.  Since I wrote that blog life has not been busy.  It has been an absolute whirlwind of crazy wonderful.

The whirlwind started on Thursday.  I was blessed with an opportunity to take the day and head into Edmonton with my sweet girl's choir to sing at the Festival of Trees.  The thought of performing completely undid her that morning to the point where I wasn't even sure if I could get her to leave the house let alone to a field trip.  I emailed the teacher explaining where things were at.  This lovely lady showed my girl so much love and grace that she was not expecting.  There was complete acceptance of where she was at and the encouragement to still come along as a cheering section.  This was enough to get her out the door and to school.  After practicing with the choir, she decided that she would put on her shirt but was still unsure about the performance.  By the time the bus arrived in Edmonton, she was ready.  That is until she wasn't...  After seeing the crowd, she was unable to take the stage and in the words of her sweet singing friend - she ditched the choir to cheer from the audience.  The adults around her showed such understanding that even though this was hard, it was so positive leaving the door open to singing in the future.

Next was Friday and a crazy fun youth event that evening.  Both kids invited friends to a mall hunt at Kingsway Mall.  The adults from our church dressed up and hid in the mall and the kids were given the job of finding them.  The giggles and laughter in the vehicle on the drive filled my heart to overflowing.  Such a blessing for my kids to have such great friends.

Saturday....  Oh my, Saturday.... 

We started the morning off by delivering my girl to the Christmas Store in Stony to be an elf.  This event has been a family favourite for years.  Both kids used to love going and shopping for us without us knowing until Christmas morning what their treasures were.  After Way outgrew the shopping, he took his turn giving back as an elf.  This year was Georgia's first year that she was old enough - and she was ready!

The middle of the day was filled with all things kung fu - cane seminars, open training, meeting...

Then it was off to the Oil Kings game with the kids.  We had our teddy bears and once again my girl was wearing that semi-dreaded choir t-shirt.  She sat with her friends and I was able to sit and have a date with my number one son.  He wasn't sure he really wanted to come but after much persuasion (he would say he was forced to come).  I think in the end he was happy he had.  The teddy bear toss was something that I am not sure I could even put into words.  As it was happening, I asked Way if he would have believed me if I had tried to describe it.  He had his doubts.  It was too incredible for words.  The generosity and beauty of what we experienced.  The team work that happened in the audience as the bears just kept coming and coming, raining down from above.  Just imagine how big the piles were - over 14,000 bears.  Then as icing on the cake, the choirs sang during intermission.  My girl stood up and sang her little heart out with a smile on her face.

Sunday was a little quieter.  The morning started out with cookie baking for our church family and then off to church we went.  The highlight of Sunday came after church.  I took the kids shopping to pick out food for the Csillag's birthday bash and for the Kinette Hampers.  The kids have spent hours volunteering at the food bank so they know exactly what goes into the hampers.  These are foods that because of their food intolerances, we don't normally buy.  Watching my kids comb through new sections of the store looking through these forbidden foods, discussing what to buy - my heart was so full.  Then it was off to drop the little one at the party, which was a blast from what I could see from all the smiling faces at the end of the day.

There are so many reasons that I love the Christmas season.  The spirit of giving is so prevalent at this time of year.  The opportunities that this gives our family to not only witness the best of humanity but also to participate in it is something that I am so grateful for.  My hope and wish is for that beauty to continue on after turkey is consumed and the trees and decorations have been taken down.

That was my whirlwind, crazy, wonderful weekend.  I was kind of grateful to see the bus pull away on Monday morning so I could sit with my cup of tea and catch my breath.

Busy or Blessed

Busy... 

This is a word that seems to describe life in our culture. 

Ask almost anyone how they are doing or how their week is going and the answer is more often than not - Busy...

When we don't live up to our commitments or maintain our relationships to level we feel we should, more often than not the reason is the same - Busy...

I hate to use the word busy to describe life but honestly that is how life has felt lately.  In life I wear many hats and honestly lately I feel like it's been a struggle to maintain any sort of balance. In most cases, whoever or whatever screams the loudest gets my attention.  Thankfully in most cases, this means my family gets first dibs.  Lately, work has been equally demanding though.  I've found that there is often conflict between the hats that I wear.  This work from home mom gig seems to be at odds with itself many days.

With all of these loud voices, I am finding that many of the things I do for myself are being pushed to the side.  Anything and everything kung fu seems to fall into this category lately.  Whether it is physical requirements, blogging, personal requirements like reading and playing the piano or decluttering my house...  All these areas of my life have been a struggle this year. 

Lately I have been doing better in some of the areas that have been neglected.  It often feels though that as I start to make some progress in one area, the next slips to the side.  I am trying to juggle it all and balls are dropping all over the place.

Life is filled to the brim but I don't want to describe it as busy.  For today, I did stop and take care of some things for me.  I have submitted my first draft of requirements and wrote this blog.  That is between driving Way to kung fu and using a hot glue gun to help Georgia with a school art project.  My life does look busy but really it is blessed.  This is something I need to remember when I am in the thick of it all.

Pre-Deciding

I've been doing a great deal of thinking on this topic since our last meeting.  Thank you to Sifu M Beckett for talking about her journey and revelations in this area.  It gave me a lot to chew on.

Pre-Deciding is deciding something in advance.

Our minds are so powerful.  We have the ability to set our minds in a direction and then move in that direction.  Once we have set our minds, it is so much harder for our bodies to move in another direction - simply because we have set our minds.  Now we can always change our minds and that will change our direction but if we keep our minds set in one direction, the likelihood of going that direction dramatically increases.

So how does this apply to my journey...  Upon reflection I seem to have some of the very same thoughts Sifu talked about on Saturday.  I have always been one to quickly say "I can't do that" when it comes to physical endeavors.  I liked to think that it was just a solid understanding of my own abilities but really it was a lack of belief in my own capabilities.  One of the reasons that I joined the IHC my first year was that I was tired of telling myself that I couldn't do things.  I was ready for a push to see what I could do.  I have definitely broadened my preconceived limitations, but they do still definitely exist.  They come to light every single time I think of eventually grading for a black belt.  I still have limits to push.

An area that has been new for me in this area is in regards to my mental capacity.  My whole life I've been an I can do that kinda girl when it comes to pretty much anything that wasn't physical in nature.  Then the concussion happened...  I was told that I had to stop.  I was told I had to rest my mind.  Since then I know that I have a new brain that I am working with, one that I am still on many days I'm still trying to figure out.  The discussion on Saturday and my reflection on that though has shown me that I have put some pretty serious limits on myself.  At one time these limits were necessary for healing.  Today these limits are exactly that - just limits.  There is no good reason for them.  I look at my calendar and I think many thoughts that are not helpful.  I think about how tired I will be.  I think about how stressed I will be.  I think about how it will affect my anxiety levels.  All these thoughts make me tired, stressed and anxious.  I haven't even done anything yet!!!

This week I've been trying to not analyze my calendar and predecide how I'm going to feel.  Instead I've been trying hard to feel how I'm really feeling in the moment not how I think I should feel or how my thoughts have then made me feel.  That was quite a mouthful.  I would love to say that I've seen huge success and strides in my life.  Not yet.  I will keep working on it.  Today I am feeling very under the weather.  I did what I needed to do this morning for work but this afternoon I listened to my body and I had a nap.  I haven't allowed myself that in quite some time and I have to say it was lovely and really needed.  Tomorrow I will tackle life as it comes.

Lessons in Profound Gratitude

I like to think of myself as a pretty grateful person.  I try to use my manners.  I keep a journal where I list the things and events that I am grateful for.  I really do like to believe that I embrace a life of gratitude.

Last night, I was blessed with the opportunity to take Waylon down to the Mustard Seed and serve a meal alongside him.  Honestly, at many points this week, this did not feel like a blessing or an opportunity - it felt like a commitment.  It felt like another thing crammed into our ridiculously busy week - that week where everything seems to fall all at once.  I was tired and I hate driving in the city.  Can you hear it?  Excuses and bad attitude abounding.  Even in that, I knew that I had committed to going and I wanted Waylon to have this experience.  So off we set....

Now on the other side of this experience I have an entirely different perspective.  I am so grateful that I did not let those excuses and bad attitude win out.  What I was able to be a part of last night was truly incredible.  I have helped out with these meals many times over the years.  In the past I have always been involved in the preparation part of the meal.  Last night was the first time that I was able to actual serve the clients and speak to them.  The greatest lessons and blessings came in the interactions with the people we met and in watching my son interact with these people.

The people that we served last night were on the most part some of the most humble and polite people I have seen all gathered together in one place.  There are a few characters that I will keep in my mind and heart though.  There was one gentleman who took the time to stop and thank each and every person volunteering.  He looked them in the eye.  He didn't just say thank you.  He spoke to each of us individually.  You could see through his eyes right into his beautiful heart.  There was one lady who had on this hat that I really wish I had taken a picture of.  It was covered in pink sequins and she had wrapped silk flowers around it and around her neck.  In a place where life seems dark and sad, she brought colour and beauty.  There was this other lady.  She was such a tiny thing but the joy she oozed was not tiny.  She did a huge happy dance when she saw that Waylon had oranges to hand out.  One man asked if it was thanksgiving because there was so much food.  He looked like he was about to cry.  We were able to fill every single plate that came through to overflowing and then offer seconds (and in some cases thirds).  Not a single person in that building went away hungry last night.

On the way home, Waylon and I were able to talk through our experience.  It really hit home that it is by the grace of God that I was on the serving side of that table, not the side receiving the meal.  We gave them a warm meal but they gave me something that will last so much longer.  The people I met last night gave me a glimpse of what true gratitude looks like.  I honestly believe that I received so much more than I will ever be able to give in this lifetime.

Hold Up Just A Minute....

It's that time of year!  Can't you feel it!

The kwoon is filled with excited chatter.  The IHC Dog Team is filling quickly.  Are you in?  What are your goals for next year?  What forms are you doing?  What's your weapon?  How did you set up this goal in the past?  Where should my focus be?

Last year at this time I was really struggling.  I knew I needed to stay on the team, if for no other reason than I needed to keep my kung fu family close, but I totally lacked any excitement.  I set the goals I knew I needed to set.  There was not a great deal of enthusiasm involved.  This year it is very different.  Right now I am in the healthiest mental state I've been in for a couple of years.  I am finding my brain going a million miles an hour filled with ideas.  I have all these things I want to do.  I have many things that need attending to in my life.  Then there are the goals I need to keep in front of me as I get closer and closer to contemplating a black belt grading in the next few years.  So many goals!!!!

But wait!  It is still the year of the Rooster!  I have so much unfinished business to focus on to finish this year strong.  I think some of the struggle comes from the fact that I am not nailing my goals this year.  Every single cell in my body is ready for that ultimate restart yet that does not happen until February.  It is still October.  There is much to do - now!  It is in the now that I will set up next year.  Some of my unfinished goals lead into what I want to do next year. 

So for today, I will shift my focus back to now. 

To Blog or Not To Blog....

That is quite the question...  Hmmm....  Obviously, the answer is yes, blog.

I have been putting off my blog all week.  Last week's blog took 3 days to write.  It feels like I just finished writing it and bang it's time to write again.  Then there is the mental task of thinking what to write about.  What is going on that is relevant?  What is going on that I actually want to put out into the public space?  What will someone want to read (which includes the me of the future)?

This week I have been feeling quite funky.  The shorter days and lack of bright sunshine has been taking it's toll on my mental space.  The paperwork that I needed to collect and log for my accident was looming over my head.  Yesterday I finally finished pushing through the last of it and dropped it off at the lawyers.  That was a hard process.  The continual reliving of the hard stuff from the last two years kept pushing me down.  Then add in that my internal solar panels needed some serious sunshine to get my groove on.

I have often asked myself, where does the time go.  Yesterday I discovered that I spent 146.5 hours alone in the last two years just driving to and attending appointments directly related to my accident.  Ugh...  That is a huge chunk of time.  Time that I needed to be doing exactly what I was doing at that moment, yet, how I would have loved to have had those hours to invest in other ways.  This does not include the time I spent unable to do life with headaches or brain fog, time spent napping so I could heal.  If I had properly tracked that time, then I'm sure the number would have completely blown my mind.  If I can make this huge amount of time to care for myself, then surely I can find 15 minutes to put some thoughts down in my blog.

So today my answer was to blog...  What will your answer be?