My #1 Focus

Mastery is a process of focusing on something with the heart of constant improvement.  It is impossible to live in a true state of mastery if your focus is too broad.  Simply put - You can't master everything in your life all at the same time.

What!?!  I know!  Earth shattering!  I am that person who secretly believes that I can do it all, all the time.  Then I fall on my face because nothing actually gets the focus it needs.  I have worked hard this year to not listen to my internal lie that I can indeed have and do it all right now.  I have instead really narrowed down my focus.  

When I started off my year of mastery, I had this wonderful list of goals.  If you know me, you know that I see the list as wonderful.   Not necessarily all of the contents of the list, but the list itself.  There are very tangible things on that list.  Do your push ups.  Write your blog.  Read some books.  Keep a journal.  These items are neat things on the list with check boxes that either happen or don't happen, very black and white.  

There is this one requirement that sits mixed in there that is not so black and white.  Mend a relationship....  This is not a one and done activity.  This is not easy to define.  This one is rarely a topic of conversation when we discuss how our goals are going.  This year, this was my primary goal.  If I accomplished nothing else this year, this was the requirement that I was wanting to put first and foremost in my life.  It wasn't just one relationship that I wanted to focus on but three.  I know the goal is one but the three relationships that I chose to work on are so inter-related, I couldn't pick just one.

My focus was on my family.  I like to think that my relationships with the people in my home have always been pretty good but there is always room for improvement.  I am at a stage in life where this focus is so important.  Raising a teen and tween has a different dynamic than raising younger children.  They do not just do what they are told because you told them.  Man, that would make it so much easier!!!!  You need to have a relationship with them.  You need to be a role model.  You need to be someone that they feel they can trust.  As I look forward into the years ahead, there will be a time when my home may have less people living in it.  My relationship with my hubby is one that I want to be thriving.  I want my home to be a place where love and acceptance runs rampant.

Having this goal as my main focus has been time consuming.  There are days where it takes every ounce of thought and energy that I have.  There are days where I go to bed feeling like I've been run over by a truck.  There are other days where I go to bed with a huge smile.  I am seeing the fruit of this focus.  I am seeing a teen who has transitioned to a new school and seems to be happier than he has been in a long time.  I have pulled my tween home to pour into her life.  The improvements to her mental health in the last few months honestly brings me to tears.  My relationship with my spouse is the best it has been since we started our family.  We have not arrived.  I do not believe that the work on these relationships is done (nor will it ever be).

That said, most of my requirements this year are not going well.  My list does not have nearly the number of check marks that this list maker would love to see.  That does not mean that I am giving up on the rest of the check boxes.  I will do what I can each day to pick up where I left off and move forward.  There are many great challenges put out there by other team members to help me with motivation and accountability.  I will do my best to not beat myself up over the lack of check marks and remember that success is not always so easily defined.  But if I accomplish nothing further this year, my focus on my family will have made this year of mastery one of great success.  Without these foundational relationships thriving, nothing else really matters anyway.  

Seeking Windows

At the end of August, I had blogged about how the summer had passed me by.  I had not taken the time to be present.  I had lived in either the past or the future much of the time.  All this lead to was a mix of guilt and anxiety.  Not a very healthy mix I must say....  I challenged myself to live more in the present.

For the past seven years, I have been primarily home alone during the school day.  I have been able to choose how I spend my minutes, often changing my mind at a seconds notice.  Having a schedule was not important, often just having a general feel for what I would like to get done that day for work and around the house.  The flexibility could be a blessing and a curse.  On days when life happened, it was easy to make the transition since there wasn't really a plan.  When I make a plan, I tend to want to be quite type A and rigid with it.  Perhaps this lack of planning came about as a self defense mechanism with little people around and plans being destroyed left, right and centre.  The days it was a curse were the ones where nothing really seemed to get done simply because there was no real plan.  Procrastination and the thoughts of "later" would often reign on these days.  There were other days that despite the lack of real structure, life would get nailed and I would go to be all smiles.  Really, there just was no consistency.

I spent a great deal of time looking into how to better structure my days with the changes we have made by adding homeschooling to the mix.  One of the principles that seemed to be most taught is that a plan was necessary but  it can't be rigid.  Schedules are rigid in the school system because they have to be.  That is the only way to manage a crowd and still get the learning done but it does not take into account individual needs or situations.  That is the beauty of having one student - that need to have a rigid schedule does not exist.  Yet, I do need to have a plan otherwise we may not get through all we need to.

I am finding it a struggle to make the mind shift from flying by the seat of my pants to having a plan, but not a plan that we are going to die making sure it happens perfectly....  So far I am loving this new role.  It is so much more time consuming than I had anticipated though.  The beauty is that is forcing me to be very present with daughter.  No point looking backwards.  There is much to get done.  Can't look too far forward or I will have us both feeling anxious and overwhelmed.  In the present moment is where we are trying to live.

As I am working to figure out how to structure our school days, I am struggling to figure out how my other life roles fit into the mix still.  I have not found many blocks of time that are uninterrupted making work a challenge.  I am finding that I am trying to fit more of that in at night after we are done schooling.  My home is definitely looking more lived in than I would like but I am slowly finding ways to get little bits done and we are working to put things away as we go through our day.

The one area that seems to be struggling the most is kung fu.  It is funny because I don't need huge pockets of time in a row to practice kung fu.  It literally takes a minute to drop and do a set of push ups or sit ups or a form rep.  When I sit and think about that, it should be simple to get this part of my life done.  Yet, I struggle.  Part of the issue at this point is recognizing the windows of time that I have where I can fit in a little something.  They exist all the time.  First step is to recognize them and then drop down and take care of business.  Today I have not done well finding windows for my physical requirements but I have managed to find enough small windows to write this blog.  

This week I have done more at home than I have for the last few months.  I am starting to move in the right direction again.  I will continue to focus on making a plan and being present as much as possible while recognizing the windows that I have open and then jump on through them.

Back to School...

This is it!  This is the week where there seems to be feelings flying randomly for all.  Kids are nervous, excited, dreading the grind.  Parents are also having feelings.  Some are super excited to see routine return and a change up from summer.  Some are mourning the relaxed moments of summer.  Some can't believe that their babies are heading to kindergarten or high school.  Nerves and feeling are running amok!

At our house the feelings have run the full range.  One off to high school...  I still remember how I felt the day I sent him to kindergarten.  He seems to be relatively unaffected by the changes in his life, at least not that he'd talk about it with me anyway.  He is a very cool teenage boy and I am his mom.

The other one started grade 7 at our kitchen table this week.  This has definitely created many feelings in our house over the past couple months.  There have been a few moments where she has mourned that lack of first day excitement and seeing all the kids again.  Yet, she jumped right into learning and is so excited. 

This is usually the week that I take a deep breath and recover from summer.  I clean the house.  I clean up the yard.  I start getting caught up on the work that piled up over the summer.  Not this year though.  I have jumped into my new role with both feet.  I still feel like I have no idea what I am doing and at moments that I have no right to take on this huge responsibility.  So far this week it has been a wonderful experience of learning and laughing with my girl.  Yes, laughing....  And it is seriously the best part of it all.  We have not had much laughter when it comes to school and handling life so it is so beautiful!

I have no idea how I am going to balance all of my responsibilities.  Right now I am trying to take advantage of the little moments.  I am working to stay present.  I make a lot of lists.  I will do what I can each and every day.  And I will continue to laugh!

The Last Week of August - Really?!?

There have been a few blogs that asked the question...

Where did summer go?????

I have no idea.  I feel like I blinked at some point in June and here we are today.  The days have virtually evaporated into thin air.  How? 

I have been reflecting on this the past few days while we have been away camping.  How did I miss summer this year?  The answer is simple.  I was not present.

Back in June we made the decision to bring our daughter home this next year for grade seven.  In a breath I went from being a mom to also being a grade seven teacher in the fall.  This is a task that I definitely did not feel equipped for.  So what does one do?  Well, they do what they can to get equipped.  I signed out and requested every book the library had on homeschooling.  I read website after website.  I listened to podcasts.  I immersed myself in learning.

The result is a mixed bag.  I definitely feel more equipped than I did in June.  I feel about as prepared as I can be at this stage of the game as an outsider still looking in.  I still feel more than a little overwhelmed by the responsibility that I have bitten off.  The biggest downside by far though is how it has impacted the past two months.  I may be ready(ish) for September but I missed July and August.  What?!?

I have one week of summer left.  It is time to get present - now!  I don't want to miss anymore time.  Then next week it will be time to get started.  In the words of my girl - "Buckle up Mom!  Things are getting real!"

Tornado Brain

Tornado - a violent rotating column of air

So... Substitute air for thoughts and that is where my brain seems to have been for much of the summer. 

I am struggling.  My brain is full and busy and spinning and overwhelmed.  Thoughts pop in and out at an astounding speed.  The popping in is a bit of an issue.  The popping out is seeming to be a huge issue.  I seem to be unable to hold onto my thoughts long enough to remember what I was doing, what I was going to do and what I need to do.  I am finding that I am writing myself little notes all over the place just trying to capture it all.

The result is that my life feels like it is in turmoil.  I feel like things are falling through the cracks.  I know that many of my requirements are falling through the cracks.  It is not that I don't want to do my requirements.  I am finding that I am getting to the end of the day and it just has not happened.  I'm not sure where the day has gone.  I spend my days busy.  I am doing things that need doing.  I can see progress in many areas of life yet  I just feel like I can't get any real traction.

The one requirement that I know will be the most helpful in this situation is also the one requirement that I am finding the absolute hardest to do right now.  Yup, journalling...  I have been relatively faithfully writing in a journal daily since I started the IHC.  It is a place to sort out  my thoughts and process life.  Lately I look at my book and I struggle to even open it.  When I do get it open, I just stare at it.  I am finding it hard to quiet my brain long enough to form a coherent thought to then get it written on the page. 

I have also struggled to blog.  It's not that I don't have things to blog about.  I have thoughts all the time about what I should sit down and blog about.  It's just that when I sit down to do the actually work, my brain spins.  It feels like that little spinning icon that you see when the internet is looking for a webpage that just is not responding.  It spins and spins.  Then the message that it is unable to find the content it was looking for.

Opportunity Embraced - Sanshou

I had not planned to take the sanshou seminar.  Honestly, I had many emotions linked to this seminar and the desire to participate was definitely not in the mix.  My gut instinct was to find absolutely anything else to do during that one hour time period on Saturday. 

But...  I am not the only kung fu student in my home.  I was not the only person being offered this opportunity.  Waylon was super excited about the chance to take this seminar and begged me to register him.  Finally I relented and registered both of us.  I could not come up with a real reason to not join him on the mats that didn't sound like an excuse.

The first day rolled around and my anxiety was really high.  I considered watching from the sidelines.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I find sparring one the more mentally challenging parts of kung fu.  I really don't like to take the hits.  The idea of takedowns and potentially rattling my brain was not appealing.  Then add to that, I find it really hard to hit other people. 

I had zero desire to step out of the changeroom that morning.  I kept reminding myself that it is my job to embrace the opportunities that are given to me.  With a deep breath, I stepped out on the mats....  And I survived!  Not only did I survive, I had a great class.  I was partnered with Sifu Beckett.  We had lots of laughs, worked hard and came out feeling a little more confident.

Unfortunately, my mind played similar games with me each and every week.  Each and every week, I took the step of faith out of the changeroom onto the mats.  Every week I was happy with the decision that I made.

Then the week came where it was time to do matches...  We had been warned that there would be matches.  These warnings do a number on my mental game.  I looked for every excuse in the book to not get on the mats.  Couldn't find a good one...  Then I decided that I would step on the mats but I gave myself permission to not do a match.  It is one thing to do takedowns in a controlled environment, but the idea of not knowing it is coming seemed more than my mental state could wrap my brain around.  In the end, I did two separate rounds with Ms. Burke.  I survived!  I was happy once again that I stepped out.

I am grateful for many things through this process.  I am grateful for opportunities to stretch myself.  I am grateful that I train in an environment where I have the choice to sit on the side if my mental state does not allow me to step in without judgement.  I am grateful for the ability to train to the level that I am at and not be pushed too far before I am ready.  I am grateful that the people around me seem to believe in me a whole lot more than I do.  I am grateful for laughs on the mats, shared sweat and the friendships I have at the kwoon.  I am grateful that I did not listen to the excuses and I took the risk of stepping out.  I am grateful I did not let this opportunity pass me by.

Universal Truth - Rotation

Last week I attended three classes where the focus for at least a portion of the class was on the universal truths of martial arts - not just kung fu.  These are the bare basics of what we are learning and are true no matter what martial art you are attempting to learn or master.

Having reached the level of kung fu that I have, I would love to believe that I have at least some handle on these truths.  What I learned last week is that instead of having a handle on these universal truths, I have much more work to do.  Perhaps what I have learned with time is the ability to notice when guided to look in the right place.

Years ago, Sifu Playter spent a great deal of time working with the morning class on the timing of the rotation of our hands during techniques.  He clearly modeled and taught that both the hand delivering the technique and the one that is returning to the hip MUST have a rotation.  This is the secret to power.  I had thought that I had applied this lesson - until last week.

Last week, we were focusing on this in our forms.  Once I really slowed down and was extremely mindful about the rotation I realized that in my forms it is hit and miss!  More times than not it is in the hand that is delivering the technique.  The hand returning to my hip is an entirely different story, not with every move but more often than I had ever noticed.  I had been busy being mindful of the one hand and had forgotten to remain mindful of the other.  So much work to do!!!!

I have been practicing my form in much slower motion, trying to be mindful of this.  I'm not entirely sure I'm making much headway on this yet but it is in the forefront as I practice.