A Wild & Wooly Ride

"At the last meeting, Sifu Brinker encouraged each of us to document our starting point for a variety of reasons.  First of all, so that we can see our growth as the year goes on.  The second reason seemed even more significant...  So that we have a reminder and encouragement for ourselves when the going gets tough.  We were ensured that there will be times when the going is going to be tough and it is how we handle this challenge that will shape our year."


This was the first paragraph of my blog just days before the Year of the Sheep started.  I had absolutely no idea just how true each every one of these words would be.  It is time to reflect and look back.  I went into this year with goals and expectations, hope and dreams, doubts and fear.  What a crazy mixture!


The banquet was inspiring.  The first couple weeks I was starting to ease into a routine that included more push-ups than I ever dreamed I would do.  I was a girl with a plan and I was working the plan.  Then exactly two weeks into this journey on March 4th something happened that I never ever considered.  I was in the middle of the most epic flying kick.  I was seriously flying.  I remember hoping that someone had actually seen it.  The next thing I knew I was crumpled on the ground.  My landing gear had failed.  The result was a full tear of my ACL in my left knee.


Early on the going got tough and I dug deep.  I worked hard with my physiotherapist.  I trained hard but smart.  My knee healed amazing fast and with more stability that I could have ever dreamed of considering the injury.  The doctors are crediting the development of just the right amount of scar tissue in just the right places.  To me it didn't really matter much, all I knew was that by summer I was back on track.  This huge injury had only really been a blip on my radar screen for the year.  This injury gave me a hunger to get back on the mats and it gave me the confidence that I could overcome.


Everything was running fantastic!  Too good to be true really!  Then August 8th hit, along with a truck that failed to stop.  Coming off the knee injury, I felt strong and confident that this would be yet another minor blip.  My body healed quickly but my brain did not.  The concussion that I received that day is still affecting every single area of my life.  I am working with a great team medical professionals.  Each day is a battle of pushing and resting but I am seeing progress.  We are headed in the right direction.


When I read the words from my blog at the beginning of the year, it brings me to tears.  I expected challenges this year.  I had no idea the challenges that would be my reality.  They were so different and so much bigger than I could have ever imagined.  They have shaped my year along with how I have chosen to handle them.  It has been a fight to stay positive.  I am so grateful for my family and my Silent River family.  The support that each person has shown me through this year has been amazing.  Your encouragement has kept me going. 


This year I did not rack up 50,000 of anything.  I do not have huge numbers to show.  I am not in the best shape of my life.  I am not even in better shape than I was a year ago.  What I have to take away from this year is so much more than any single accomplishment.  At this start of the year I was feeling the weight of doubt and a serious lack of self confidence.  This year I have found a new inner strength that I will be able to take with me through my entire life.  I have found a fight and a determination (some would say stubbornness).  I have found a love for kung fu, one that can only be fully realized once you have spent as much time as I have watching from the sidelines aching to get on the mats.  These are deeper lessons that will serve me in every part of my life for the rest of my life.

Kindness Matters

I have been trying to formulate some sort of blog in my head all weekend.  This week has been packed with happenings that could easily be turned into a blog yet here I sit staring at the computer screen.


This week has been really emotional.  This week has been hard.  This week I have been reminded that even though I am struggling with some health issues, I am so blessed.  This week I have been the recipient of acts of kindness.  This week I have seen others choose to not respond.  This week has given me a lot to reflect on.


On Thursday I met with a new physiotherapist - one that the insurance company asked me to see.  She specializes in concussions.  That is the awesome part.  The not so awesome part is she works out of Sherwood Park.  I agreed to go simply because I so desperately want to get better and I do not want to leave any option uninvestigated.  After a couple hours later of testing, she has determined that at least one of my vestibular reflexes is not reacting properly.  This can cause dizziness, nausea, fatigue, anxiety, panic attacks just to name a few.  These are all symptoms that I continue to struggle with to some degree.  I have learned to control many of my symptoms by not aggravating them (read this as living in a quiet bubble).  It was hard to hear that there was yet another thing wrong, yet so good to have the situation labelled and a plan of treatment being formulated.  I go for a physical exertion test later this week and then I think we can get down to work.  She seemed optimistic that we would be able to correct much of the issue and have me back to most of my regular life in another 6-8 weeks.  Practicing patience...


As frustrating as this is, it is not life threatening.  Life is providing grounding for me in this area.  I have a friend who is currently fighting for her life and others who are in the process of tests and appointments to see if they too will join the fight.  This grounding does come with a cost.  My heart is heavy with the pain of those around me.


That all said, the biggest lesson for me this week was a reminder that even in my struggles, I am not an island.  When I had a moment on Friday afternoon where I very publicly needed help, one sweet lady stepped up and was amazing.  Most tried to pretend that they did not even see me.  When we are in the middle of our struggles, we tend to focus in and not out.  When I focus in, I focus on my own mess and most times that is not positive or productive.  Instead I can choose to focus out on the people around me.  I can choose to really see others and then prepare myself to be a blessing to them.  The simple act of having to track my acts of kindness has shown me when my focus has been in instead of out.  This week I hope to spend much of it at home but when I am out and about, I plan to keep my eyes peeled for ways to bless others.

I Can Do This!

This week I finished reading Intentional Living: Choosing a Life That Matters by John Maxwell. What a great, practical read. I can't even remember why it first requested it from the library but I am sure happy I did. The parallels between the teachings in this book and the principles of the I Ho Chuan were evident page after page.

One of the principles that hit home hardest was that in order to live intentionally and add value to the life of others, I must first value myself. 

"It's impossible to consistently behave in a way that is inconsistent with how we feel about ourselves on the inside. Self image dictates daily behaviour. How we see ourselves regulates what we consistently do. "

How I see myself has been a constant struggle in my life. It has dictated so many decisions, actions and lack there of. It has caused me to do many things for all the wrong reasons. It has caused me to not do too many things because of self doubt. The IHC was nearly one of those things. 

Looking back to a year ago it's hard to believe all that has changed. I was tired of living scared. I was ready for change. I thought I was insane for jumping into something that looked clearly impossible. 50,000 push-ups!  A year ago I could hardly do 3 great push-ups in a row. A year later, I am physically in much the same place. Yet mentally I am miles ahead. I now know I can do 50,000. Even with all my challenges this year, I did more push-ups that I could have fathomed back then. I had to fight my lack of belief daily but in that fight I found I can do so much more than I imagined.   Now that I have that sense of self belief, there will be no stopping me once I am healthy!  This is a gift that I am taking with me into the Year of the Monkey. 

Blessed Rest

My last post was on engagement from the sidelines.  I want to thank everyone for all their encouraging comments.  The issue that I was trying to express, but didn't really get across very well is the difference between looking engaged and feeling engaged.  The adage "Just Do It" works wonders.  If you don't feel engaged, then act engaged and your feelings will eventually catch up.  I was doing what I could to act it even when how I felt was not engaged really at all.


That post was written when I was feeling so divided.  There is so much that I want to do yet the medical advice I received was to back off.  I backed off and the advice was back off more.  A couple days after that post I went in for my weekly chat with the neural psychologist to see where things were.  To say that it was mostly lecture from her side of the room and many tears from my side would have been an understatement.  I thought that I had done a great job scaling back on life.  After all I am a mom and a wife and it is December and there is so much going on...  She did congratulate me for going from 110% down to 90%.  Yay me!  That was seriously hard to do since the 110% was already a slowed down pace in my opinion.  She used words like martyr and super mom and told me to just stop it.  The goal was to aim for 20%.  Yup, you read that right - 20%!!!  Who can live at 20%.  I am a mom and a wife and it's Christmas time!!!


So now what...  The medical advice that I have received on this whole concussion thing has been so all over the place.  One doctor told me it was just stress from life and some depression and recommending counselling.  The counselling resulted in an acknowledgment that my brain may be hurting and that it could take up to 2 years to heal but I was encouraged to live life as full as I could to counter the depression.  I tried jumping back into life.  I tried to live like I was fine.  I was not fine.  The lady I have been seeing worked at the Glenrose in the brain trauma department.  She knows her stuff.  I went to her after the other options were not working.  Why go if you are not going to try...  And by try, that means resting my brain.  Not just sitting around reading or watching some sort of screen.  That is not resting my brain.  She meant horizontal with my eyes closed.


School ended and life was able to slow down significantly.  The last two weeks have been filled with rest.  I don't think I hit 20% (well maybe on that one day were I took 3, yes you read that right, 3 naps).  My family has circled the wagons and have really pitched in.  Christmas was wonderful.  My family came from Calgary so I would not have to travel and brought most of dinner with them.  Nearly every afternoon I have headed upstairs for a nap.  Really, I have stopped.  And the world has not stopped turning.


So how am I feeling?  I can literally feel my brain healing.  I am feeling so much better than I did two weeks ago.  It is really hard to put even into words.  Before my break I broke down and cried over the simplest things because they seemed so hard.  The are becoming simpler things again.  The fog is gone.  The anxiety and panic attacks have subsided.  The headaches are much more manageable.  I can focus for more than 5 minutes at a time.  I even wrote this blog in one sitting and that is a major accomplishment.  Am I completely better?  Not a chance but I am on my way.


What does this mean for my IHC year?  I have not quit.  My goals are very much on my mind.  I have started to add back some activity the last few days.  The warm weather has made it much easier to get out for some lovely walks with Guiness.  We are not going far and we are not breaking any speed records but I am getting out in the fresh air.  I will start adding in more each day slowly, very slowly.  I do not want this to be one step forward and two steps back.  I have accepted that my goals and achievements this year are what they are.  Really, even with not doing much since August, some of my achievements are higher than I imagined at this point last year.  My number one goal right now is get myself healthy.  That means that I am still moving at a much slower pace but I am still here.

Engagement from the Sidelines

There has been a ton of talk about engagement and perspective.  Most of the conversation revolves around those who are away from the kwoon and how do you stay engaged when you are away from the group.  This seems to be a struggle many on the team have had not only this year but over time.  The advice given always rings true.  The path to staying engaged is to do.  When you don't want to do, do it anyway.  Just do it.


So what do you do when you can't just do it?  There are a few of us on the team this year that are struggling with this very real issue.  Sifu Beckett spent months in a hospital bed.  Sihing Vanderham is limping around on crutches.  Most days, I look physically pretty good as long as you ignore how tired I look but the doctors have specifically asked me to stop doing.  For people who are in this group, the just do it advice can make you want to scream.  We want to do it.  Yes, even the dreaded push ups.  We want to train.  We want to be on the mats sweating, learning, working hard.  Yet, there we are at the back of the class or sitting on the benches watching.


I have really been struggling with engagement lately.  I have been trying to attend all of my classes.  I come ready to learn.  I bring my curriculum, my notebook and my pen.  I ask questions.  I flap my arms around on the bench trying to mimic and figure things out.  I have joined tai chi to try to find a way to be on the mats and still keep my heart rate at a lower level.  I attempted demo class last Friday which honestly was a physical stretch for me.  I had many caring teammates checking in on me between each demo run to see if I was ok.  Sifu Vantuil asked how I was feeling after class.  It was such a mixed bag really.  Physically, I felt pretty crappy.  Mentally, I was exhausted.  Yet, it felt unbelievably good to be on the mats with the team working on my weapon form.


Staying engaged from the sidelines is a tricky business.  With the physical goals, I have had to put most of them on hold for now.  I will have a lot of work to build back up again once I am well but I will conquer that hurdle when the time comes.  Then there are the personal goals.  This should free up my time to really attack these goals.  Due to the restrictions placed on me, I am having to look for different ways to approach these goals as well.  Since there has not been a ton to keep track of, I have unfortunately have fallen out of the habit of writing down my numbers each day.  Then when I try to play catch up, I can't remember what I did.  That is not helpful.  When you are limited to what you can do, it is even more important to give yourself credit for what you do accomplish.


So my game plan for now is to first of all just keep showing up - whether it be on the mats or on the bench.  The next is to get back into the habit of giving myself credit for things I do get accomplished.  Finally, I will be looking for creative ways to work around some of my goals to hopefully keep my focus moving forward as we finish out this year.  This will all be done within the framework of my health and healing being first priority which means rest, rest and more rest.

Teamwork At It's Finest!

Today I really don't want to talk about my own journey so instead I will focus on the team as a whole. 


This team is filled with strong, amazing people.  They are each in their own way overcomers.  Everyone has had personal struggles to deal with like injuries, work or school schedules, family issues.  Most would likely say that they have not had the year they had planned when they signed up last fall.  Yet each person has a unique story filled with amazing personal triumphs and growth.


There are times in life when you take a group of people and place them together and call them a team.  The people can each individually be amazing yet they fail to truly come together.  They are all individuals working towards something but that connection doesn't seem to happen.  Their impact is simply the sum of each of their individual contributions.  If everyone and everything is running perfectly, then this group of people will still have success.


Then there are times when something quite extraordinary happens.  It is even hard to explain how or why but to witness and be a part of it is awesome.  The Sheep Team is one of those groups that is simply quite extraordinary.  I look at this past week.  One team member put out a call for help on a goal.  Now there are paper cranes strung up all over the kwoon and every day more are flooding in.  Then the demo yesterday was fantastic!  Each team member went out and really shone bright but even brighter was the obvious relationships that have formed.  The team photos that were taken after the event shows a group of truly bonded people.  The Sheep Team is infinitely stronger and greater than the sum of each of individual's contribution.  I am so blessed to be able to be a part of it and I can't wait to see what else we can do together this year!

Learning to Embrace Rest

This week I have really struggled to write my blog post.  The main purpose of blogging is to document our journey's - first for ourselves and then for others.  For my own sake, I want to focus on the positive parts of my journey.  It's like my own personal weekly pep talk.  This week I desperately need to be able to give myself a pep talk but I've had troubles finding a way to approach that.


Back at the end of July I wrote a post on a book I had read.  It was about being addicted to busy and finding rest.  One of the warning issued by the book was to rest before life forces you to.  I am right smack dab in the middle of a forced rest.  This is a rest that I am struggling to embrace.


Since I am not able to find the words to give myself much of a pep talk, instead I will be honest about where I am at right now.  I love being a part of the I Ho Chuan team.  One of the things that I have been struggling with is letting down the team.


That said, I need to put myself first.  My doctor has recommended that I rest as much as possible, and by rest she means horizontal with my eyes shut.  I need to avoid getting my heart rate up.  I need to rest my poor brain as much as possible.  Many of the ways that I have used my entire life to manage stress have been placed on hold.  I have had a cognitive brain function assessment and the results were not very good.  It explains the brain fog and my inability to function the way that I always have.  The bonus is, that brains heal.  I just need to give mine a chance.  Then just to throw some fun into the mix, they also diagnosed depression which apparently is pretty common in this situation. 


Trying to process all of this has been very hard.  I have had to take a good look at my goals and then release myself from the pursuit of some of them.  That is the only way that I am going to be able to slow down and rest like I need to.  This most certainly is NOT the year I had planned when I signed up a year ago but this is my reality today and I need to learn to embrace that.  That said, I am not quitting.  I will still be at the kwoon.  I may or may not be on the mats but I will be there.  Not only am I going to be there for the remainder of this year but I have talked to Sifu Brinker about next year's team.