Boot Camp

Goals can be a funny thing...  They can motivate you to push forward or they can knock the wind out of your sails.  I have experienced both of these feelings in my struggles with maintaining a healthy weight.  

I have had to be very conscious about my choices with regards to my weight for my entire adult life.  I can look at a chocolate and I can feel parts of my body growing...  There are times when I have had amazing successes.  I have put in the hard work.  I have watched my eating habits.  I have had to say yes to the right things and no to the wrong things.  Often though after a period of success, I become complacent.  One bad choice leads to the next and before I know it, I am back at square one or in some instances, a few more steps even further back from there.

I have had a goal the past 3 years to get down to a goal weight and maintain it.  I felt that the IHC would simply give me the structure in order to achieve this.  I have had periods of resounding success.  I have had periods of serious backsliding.  The past six months have been a very serious case of the later.  

When it was time to set Year of the Dog goals, Sifu Brinker pushed me to not just set the same old goal but actually set out a real action plan in writing to keep me moving in the right direction.  The plan was always in mind but I had not gone far enough to write it down.  My hesitation to do so was that I have had the successes and then the relapse periods so many times - I was in many ways afraid to be held accountable.  My action plan includes both nutrition goals as well as fitness goals.

This brings me to the beginning of January...  The scale is reading a number that I simply believed that I would not see again.  I had won that battle.  I was beating myself up and that only lead me to go find some chocolate.  I know, really not helpful...  Then I decided to do something that would be helpful.

I walked into the kwoon and I told Sifu Freitag that I was going to do boot camp.  I could not form the sentence that said I wanted to do it.  Nothing in me wanted to do it.  Really, it sounds like a near death experience that will be witnessed by others.  Yet I knew that this is what I needed to do now, not later.  Before I could talk myself out of it, I paid and said that I would be there on Saturday.

Saturday came.  With fear and trembling I did show up.  Sifu Masterson asked us to focus on 3 C's - conditioning, core and combat.  All I could think of was S for survival.  It was hard.  I had moments where I thought I should just crawl back to the changeroom.  There were moments where it wasn't just my body that was betraying me but my mind (backward spiderman walking, anyone...).  I did do what I had set out to do that day.  I showed up and I finished the class.

The next day, oy....  I could hardly get out of bed.  It hurt to breathe.  I had core muscles around my lungs that I apparently have not taxed in quite some time.  Monday's kung fu class was a struggle, but once again, I showed up.  By the end of the week I was almost at the point where I felt I could try it again.

Then Saturday came...  I had every excuse in my brain going off.  I. Did. Not. Want. To. Go!!!!  Not even one single little part of me.  But I showed up.  I survived once again.  Today my hip is not happy and I can honestly say that boot camp is a royal pain in my butt - but I will be back.

I want to send out a huge thank you to Sifu Masterson for killing us so sweetly.  She really knows how to bring out the best in people.  I also want to send out a most heartfelt thank you to all the people who were also crazy enough to sign up.  Some of you make it look so easy, some of you not so much but none of you quit.  You are all such an encouragement to me and it makes it so much easier to simply keep showing back up.

Jumping Back In

The last two weeks have been amazing!  They were exactly what I needed.  The first week was too cold to leave the house.  It forced us all to press pause and rest.  I really needed that rest.  The second week we headed off to Calgary.  Not much of a pause or rest but lots of time spent enjoying people that I cherish without the distractions of life.

But life is still moving on...  This morning I woke up to see that it is indeed January 8th.  My wall calendar in the kitchen is still empty.  My kids are so excited to see all that white space but it is causing my anxiety.  I know that the white space is only an illusion and starting today we are all back to the real world.  My mom asked me this week why I feel the need to write down everything on this calendar.  I need the visual.  Seeing what is going on gives me structure to tackle the rest of life.

My mind is spinning in a million different directions.  Today is about catching my breath and restoring some order.  I'm sure I will need to ask myself the two questions we talk about all the time at kung fu constantly today...  Where am I?  What am I doing?  I know today I will need to fight to stay present in what I am currently doing.  I know that I will need to fight to finish what I start.  Often on days like this, I will follow my mind.  As it runs here and there, I will follow it.  At the end of the day, I am exhausted and unsure of what I was even up to since nothing was finished.  This is not the pattern I plan to jump back into this year.

So where to begin?  I chose to start right here.  Monday's have proven to be the best day for me to consistently blog.  I have also found that the best time for me to blog is right after the kids catch the bus.  Next will be kung fu class.  After that...  Well, I will figure it out then, the list of things that need order in my life is unending.  I do know that the kitchen calendar is high up on that list though.

As chaotic as my thoughts are right now, it does feel good to be jumping back in.

Taking Stock...

It's the day after that day of the year...  New Year's Eve is a day filled with reflection of the past year and plans for the next.  People are vowing that this is the year they will conquer whatever has been on their list for an endless number of years.  People are ready for the fresh start that today provides.

Then they wake up...

It is so much easier to make a plan to overhaul your life when the start date is in the future.  It often a different story when you wake up in the morning and it is actually time to start.  I wonder how many people woke up this morning and today looked very much like most days of the past year.

I've spent this past week hiding from the cold and taking stock of the past year.  My journey has had some highs and some definite successes.  My journey has also been filled with obstacles and struggles, many of my own making.  When I set out on the journey called 2017, I had a picture of where I would be today.  I am definitely not where I thought I'd be.  The mental game this past year has proven to be tougher than I had anticipated.  The beauty in this is that I am still here.  I have not quit.

I've also reflected on how the calendar year and the year we use for the IHC program provide a different way of looking at growth.  Many are just starting on their new journey.  The year end for the goals that I set is actually not now, but 6+ weeks away.  The focus at this point is still on finishing what I started, not on beginnings. 

Yesterday while doing some of my reading, this verse jumped out at me.  It was a reminder to keep my eyes on finishing well.  Beginnings are exciting but how many people begin only to quit a short time later.  The beauty in the journey is pushing through, sticking with it and finishing what you start.  In many cases, I will not be finishing what I set out to do.  Lucky for me, I figured that out in November and made a game plan to continue on with those parts of my journey into the Year of the Dog.  With encouragement and a good push, I will continue on with a real plan instead of a dream goal.  I will continue to focus on this year's journey as I step towards that continuation.  Many of my goals are not going to see the ending I had hoped for but I will continue to push forward on what I started.  

In a time of fresh starts and beginnings, let us keep our eyes of sticking to what we have started and finishing well.

Life is NOT a Project

I have just started reading a book about getting your house under control.  I know for myself, the state of my home tends to match the state of my mind and really the state of my life.  A little inside peek...  Chaos is reigning supreme.  Sometimes it can be hidden.  Sometimes it is right there screaming loudly.

The chapter I just read was about perspective.  People have a tendency to like projects.  There is the thrill of starting.  You make your plan (read as a really big list that you will truly conquer).  You check things off this list.  Then it's finished.  WooHoo!  Then it's on to the next super exciting thing.  Or if you are not successful, the list gets lost or you rip it to tiny pieces and it's off to the next project.

As I was reading, it really struck me that most of my life is not really a project.  There is no glorious start, a mountain to climb with a spectacular finish line.  Life is about the little, every day, often tedious and not very exciting things.  It is in the actual doing of these things that a life well lived will develop.  Mediocrity likes to hide in these little things and that is why they can be so hard to continue doing day after day.  The example she used was doing the dishes.  You can wish, plan, dream about them but the only way that your kitchen will look clean is - To wash the dishes!!!!  You have to do the work and then in some cases immediately do the work again.

I have mentally treated some of my goals this year as projects that really are not.  This has not served me well.  I have had little to no success on these particular goals.  As a result, they are back on the requirement list again for next year.  This year's approach did not work so I'm seeking a different approach.  That is where this book came in.  The things that are truly important to me at this time in my life are not projects.  Areas like my relationships, my health, my home are not one and done.  They require constant steps in the right direction.  I would love to wave a wand and reach my destination but I know that by not walking the daily steps, I can't even hope to maintain what I was given.

With that I am off to make some little steps and in case you are wondering...  Yes, my dishes are all done!

A Crazy, Wonderful Season

Last week I talked about how much I dislike using the word busy to describe my full life.  Since I wrote that blog life has not been busy.  It has been an absolute whirlwind of crazy wonderful.

The whirlwind started on Thursday.  I was blessed with an opportunity to take the day and head into Edmonton with my sweet girl's choir to sing at the Festival of Trees.  The thought of performing completely undid her that morning to the point where I wasn't even sure if I could get her to leave the house let alone to a field trip.  I emailed the teacher explaining where things were at.  This lovely lady showed my girl so much love and grace that she was not expecting.  There was complete acceptance of where she was at and the encouragement to still come along as a cheering section.  This was enough to get her out the door and to school.  After practicing with the choir, she decided that she would put on her shirt but was still unsure about the performance.  By the time the bus arrived in Edmonton, she was ready.  That is until she wasn't...  After seeing the crowd, she was unable to take the stage and in the words of her sweet singing friend - she ditched the choir to cheer from the audience.  The adults around her showed such understanding that even though this was hard, it was so positive leaving the door open to singing in the future.

Next was Friday and a crazy fun youth event that evening.  Both kids invited friends to a mall hunt at Kingsway Mall.  The adults from our church dressed up and hid in the mall and the kids were given the job of finding them.  The giggles and laughter in the vehicle on the drive filled my heart to overflowing.  Such a blessing for my kids to have such great friends.

Saturday....  Oh my, Saturday.... 

We started the morning off by delivering my girl to the Christmas Store in Stony to be an elf.  This event has been a family favourite for years.  Both kids used to love going and shopping for us without us knowing until Christmas morning what their treasures were.  After Way outgrew the shopping, he took his turn giving back as an elf.  This year was Georgia's first year that she was old enough - and she was ready!

The middle of the day was filled with all things kung fu - cane seminars, open training, meeting...

Then it was off to the Oil Kings game with the kids.  We had our teddy bears and once again my girl was wearing that semi-dreaded choir t-shirt.  She sat with her friends and I was able to sit and have a date with my number one son.  He wasn't sure he really wanted to come but after much persuasion (he would say he was forced to come).  I think in the end he was happy he had.  The teddy bear toss was something that I am not sure I could even put into words.  As it was happening, I asked Way if he would have believed me if I had tried to describe it.  He had his doubts.  It was too incredible for words.  The generosity and beauty of what we experienced.  The team work that happened in the audience as the bears just kept coming and coming, raining down from above.  Just imagine how big the piles were - over 14,000 bears.  Then as icing on the cake, the choirs sang during intermission.  My girl stood up and sang her little heart out with a smile on her face.

Sunday was a little quieter.  The morning started out with cookie baking for our church family and then off to church we went.  The highlight of Sunday came after church.  I took the kids shopping to pick out food for the Csillag's birthday bash and for the Kinette Hampers.  The kids have spent hours volunteering at the food bank so they know exactly what goes into the hampers.  These are foods that because of their food intolerances, we don't normally buy.  Watching my kids comb through new sections of the store looking through these forbidden foods, discussing what to buy - my heart was so full.  Then it was off to drop the little one at the party, which was a blast from what I could see from all the smiling faces at the end of the day.

There are so many reasons that I love the Christmas season.  The spirit of giving is so prevalent at this time of year.  The opportunities that this gives our family to not only witness the best of humanity but also to participate in it is something that I am so grateful for.  My hope and wish is for that beauty to continue on after turkey is consumed and the trees and decorations have been taken down.

That was my whirlwind, crazy, wonderful weekend.  I was kind of grateful to see the bus pull away on Monday morning so I could sit with my cup of tea and catch my breath.

Busy or Blessed

Busy... 

This is a word that seems to describe life in our culture. 

Ask almost anyone how they are doing or how their week is going and the answer is more often than not - Busy...

When we don't live up to our commitments or maintain our relationships to level we feel we should, more often than not the reason is the same - Busy...

I hate to use the word busy to describe life but honestly that is how life has felt lately.  In life I wear many hats and honestly lately I feel like it's been a struggle to maintain any sort of balance. In most cases, whoever or whatever screams the loudest gets my attention.  Thankfully in most cases, this means my family gets first dibs.  Lately, work has been equally demanding though.  I've found that there is often conflict between the hats that I wear.  This work from home mom gig seems to be at odds with itself many days.

With all of these loud voices, I am finding that many of the things I do for myself are being pushed to the side.  Anything and everything kung fu seems to fall into this category lately.  Whether it is physical requirements, blogging, personal requirements like reading and playing the piano or decluttering my house...  All these areas of my life have been a struggle this year. 

Lately I have been doing better in some of the areas that have been neglected.  It often feels though that as I start to make some progress in one area, the next slips to the side.  I am trying to juggle it all and balls are dropping all over the place.

Life is filled to the brim but I don't want to describe it as busy.  For today, I did stop and take care of some things for me.  I have submitted my first draft of requirements and wrote this blog.  That is between driving Way to kung fu and using a hot glue gun to help Georgia with a school art project.  My life does look busy but really it is blessed.  This is something I need to remember when I am in the thick of it all.

Pre-Deciding

I've been doing a great deal of thinking on this topic since our last meeting.  Thank you to Sifu M Beckett for talking about her journey and revelations in this area.  It gave me a lot to chew on.

Pre-Deciding is deciding something in advance.

Our minds are so powerful.  We have the ability to set our minds in a direction and then move in that direction.  Once we have set our minds, it is so much harder for our bodies to move in another direction - simply because we have set our minds.  Now we can always change our minds and that will change our direction but if we keep our minds set in one direction, the likelihood of going that direction dramatically increases.

So how does this apply to my journey...  Upon reflection I seem to have some of the very same thoughts Sifu talked about on Saturday.  I have always been one to quickly say "I can't do that" when it comes to physical endeavors.  I liked to think that it was just a solid understanding of my own abilities but really it was a lack of belief in my own capabilities.  One of the reasons that I joined the IHC my first year was that I was tired of telling myself that I couldn't do things.  I was ready for a push to see what I could do.  I have definitely broadened my preconceived limitations, but they do still definitely exist.  They come to light every single time I think of eventually grading for a black belt.  I still have limits to push.

An area that has been new for me in this area is in regards to my mental capacity.  My whole life I've been an I can do that kinda girl when it comes to pretty much anything that wasn't physical in nature.  Then the concussion happened...  I was told that I had to stop.  I was told I had to rest my mind.  Since then I know that I have a new brain that I am working with, one that I am still on many days I'm still trying to figure out.  The discussion on Saturday and my reflection on that though has shown me that I have put some pretty serious limits on myself.  At one time these limits were necessary for healing.  Today these limits are exactly that - just limits.  There is no good reason for them.  I look at my calendar and I think many thoughts that are not helpful.  I think about how tired I will be.  I think about how stressed I will be.  I think about how it will affect my anxiety levels.  All these thoughts make me tired, stressed and anxious.  I haven't even done anything yet!!!

This week I've been trying to not analyze my calendar and predecide how I'm going to feel.  Instead I've been trying hard to feel how I'm really feeling in the moment not how I think I should feel or how my thoughts have then made me feel.  That was quite a mouthful.  I would love to say that I've seen huge success and strides in my life.  Not yet.  I will keep working on it.  Today I am feeling very under the weather.  I did what I needed to do this morning for work but this afternoon I listened to my body and I had a nap.  I haven't allowed myself that in quite some time and I have to say it was lovely and really needed.  Tomorrow I will tackle life as it comes.