Back with a Vengeance

We all have different injuries and issues that we must manage.  I find that the older I get, the more I'm required to carefully manage my physical health.  No more taking it for granted...  I need to be carefully checking in.  How do my hips feel?  How is my knee?  Does it feel unstable?  Have a stretched out the back of my legs lately?  Calves???  Have I done my core exercises?  What about my arms?  Then there is my mental maintenance for the post concussion symptoms I am still working through.


It has been brought to my attention that in the effort to pursue my mental maintenance, that I have neglected one very important body part.  With all of the physical issues that I have encountered over the years, honestly the hardest one for me is the carpal tunnel in my wrists.  Every other issue requires action.  I can do my exercises, stretch, roll around on my foam roller and try not to cry.  I apparently spent too much time weeding a little too much vigour.  The result is that my garden therapy has lead to sleepless nights and a host of other not so lovely results.


What does this mean for my training and goals?  Well, I am having to be very careful with my wrists.  After a chat with Sifu Vantuil, push ups are being done on my knuckles.  Yup, that is definitely slowing things down.  I have been swinging my sword around less but I am grateful that I am not needing to work on a staff form right now.  There are many of my goals that this does impact in a some way or another but I am doing what I can to take it a little more slowly and trying to not aggravate it further.  Hopefully next week the doctor can help me out with some good anti-inflammatories to get things back under control.  I have tried graston (which is torture) and had small successes in the past and may look into that again next week if things don't start to improve. 


Anyways, I am feeling a little done with the keyboard.  It's hard to type with sleepy hands...  So I am off to races slowly and carefully...

Perception - Who Has Time For All This?

Perception is a funny thing.  Fact can become irrelevant.  It is how you see the facts that seems to make the difference.


A perfect example of this is the I Ho Chuan program.  Not long ago I had the opportunity to chat with a former student of SRKF.  This individual had reached a fairly high rank but chose to move on to a different martial art.  I asked this person why the change.  The answer was that they did not have time to deal with the IHC commitments so why stay if they couldn't grade for black belt.


I found this an interesting viewpoint.  At one time I had viewed the IHC program as impossible.  I did not believe in myself that I was physically capable of doing what was required.  Now having been involved for the past 1.5 years, I realize that this argument is really just an excuse to avoid pushing myself.


Unfortunately, we were not in a place where I was able to get into a real conversation about my views of the IHC program.  This person seemed extremely surprised that I was involved.  I tried to convey how much I had benefited from being involved and that the time commitment had not been an issue in my life.  I'm not sure the message came across but I tried nonetheless...


How do you describe the time commitment of the IHC program?  If you have carefully examined your life and looked at the changes you want to make and set goals based on those insights...  If you are actively seeking to meet those goals...  Then yes, the IHC program is very time consuming.  Really it is a 24/7/365 commitment.  That is what it takes to live in pursuit of mastery.  It takes every single breathing moment you have on this earth.


To the argument that it is too time consuming?  I don't want to 1/2 live life.  I don't want to waste the precious time that I have here.  I want to be the best person that I can be.  I looked at what qualities were important to me.  I looked at my life and what I would like to see changed.  I set my goals based on this.  It is now my job to pursue those goals every waking moment.  Either I am moving in the direction towards the person I want to be or I am not.  It doesn't matter if you are involved in a program, this is a universal truth.  So yes, it is very time consuming but it is totally worth it!


This morning as I was texting back and forth with my kung fu accountability buddy, I looked at what I had accomplished.  From the time period from 7:30 until roughly noon, I had done virtually nothing but work towards my IHC goals - yet I had spent very little time doing actual physical kung fu.  I had watched an online webinar, done some reading, had a glass of water with a dear friend on my deck, slid in a few push ups and sit ups for good measure...  All of this related to my goals.  This morning was an incredibly successful morning when framed within the life I want to live.  This afternoon has been filled with work, blogging and caring for our home.  One way or another, it can almost all be related back to my goals.


Perception is everything.

Garden Therapy

So this blog is really late.  I have no good reason really.  I have been thinking about what to blog all week.  I have ideas come and go but when it's time to sit down and actually do the work...  So instead of sitting staring at a blinking curser, I head out to the garden.

I love this time of year.  I love how everything seems so fresh.  I love listening to the birds chirp and feeling the sunshine on my face.

This year I've really had a different mindset about my garden.  In the past I've often felt a great deal of resentment about the garden.  It was huge.  The weeds were always out of control.  More often than not, the yield was terrible.  Last year was the worst.  Nothing grew well and after my accident, the weeds totally took over.  This spring my sweet hubbie offered to just put the whole thing back to grass.

There is nothing like being given the option to quit to reaffirm your desires.  I had felt that I must garden in the past.  This year, I choose to garden.  This year is also different because I am gardening on my own terms.  The garden is 1/3 the size it has ever been with the same amount of seeds planted.  So much less room for the weeds to flourish!

Anyways, I guess my point is that I am loving being out there this year.  I have spent at least an hour a day (when it's not raining) with my finger coated in dirt.  I am loving my garden therapy!  That is until my boss summons and reminds me that I need to get my butt back in the house and onto the computer.  I hate it when I am so unreasonable....

Busy vs Hurried

Yes, there seems to be a common recurring theme going on in my blogs the past month.  I have been using this space to work through the inner chaos that I often feel.  I know that I am not alone in feeling this inner chaos.


Yesterday I finally finished the book that I've been working on slowly for the past few weeks.  There has been a great deal to chew on, that is when the author wasn't literally hitting me up the side of the head with things that I needed to see.  The focus of the book was on taking care of your soul, that deepest part and often severely neglected part of each of us.


My soul has been filled with a lot of inner chaos.  There are many things that contribute to this but the one that seems to be the most prevalent and needs to be fixed first is the pace that I am living life at.  Since I started working with the neuropsychologist for my concussion, one of the goals was to look closely at what I have on my plate and to aggressively fight my overcommitted existence.  This has been HARD.  The things that I like and love to do are the things that would be easiest to eliminate - like volunteer work.  The things I like the least seem to be here to stay - like housework.  I have had to close doors to things that were hard to walk away from in order to heal.  Even with this cutting back, I am still finding my life very busy and full.


So is busyness the issue...  Perhaps...  There are times where I dream of what it would be like to not be busy.  The author of the book I've been reading made a point about busyness that I just could not overlook.  John Ortberg wrote,

Being busy is an outward condition, a condition of the body.  It occurs when we have too many thing to do.  Busyness is inevitable in modern culture.  If you are alive today in North America, you are a busy person.  There are limits to how much busyness we can tolerate, so we wisely find ways to slow down whenever we can.

Then he went on to talk about being hurried.  Being hurried is an inner condition of the soul where we are too preoccupied to be fully present.  It can get to the point where we are unable to occupy the present moment at all because of the preoccupation.  This is very spiritually draining. 


Hurry is the issue, not necessarily busyness.  He did warn that busyness can migrate into hurry very easily if we are not careful.


So I guess where I am at with all of this right now is that I am choosing to accept that I will be busy.  The ideal in my mind of not being busy is not realistic.  Living a life that is pursuing mastery does not leave room to not be busy.  The first issue that I need to work on is hurry.  I have been focusing on this for the past few weeks.  Some days I feel like I have made some progress.  I am finding my own panicked self talk to be my biggest enemy - that inner voice that keeps reminding me relentlessly of just how much I should be doing.  I am working on challenging that word should but that just may be a topic for another day.


Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Be present.

Turning The Page...

I like fresh starts.  I like new beginnings.  I like clean slates.  I like to turn the page to a new month.  It is all clean with nothing written on it.  The possibilities seem endless.


Then I get out my pens.  Every person in the house has their own colour.  I go through and carefully mark down all of the appointments and commitments that I have been collecting in my phone.  Yes, I know I have a calendar in my phone but seeing it on the monthly calendar gives me a better visual about what is really going on.  Suddenly my nice clean, clear calendar looks a whole lot more full and busy.


Today I am not feeling the freshness of a new start.  I am feeling the chaos of life instead. 


First of all - HOW DID IT GET TO BE JUNE!!!!!  Really, where did the last five months go?  I remember being a kid and it seemed like eternity from Christmas to school getting out.  Now as an adult, I blinked and here it is.


Secondly, June is always filled with a lot of activity.  There are the appointments that you can squeeze in before the summer so that they don't interfere with summer fun.  There are extras as activities wrap up and school ends.  There are fun things to do every weekend. 


Thirdly, there is work.  I try to get as much done as possible before the kids get done school.  Most years I have been able to take July off almost completely.  That is not looking possible this year.  That is ok.  I have taken on some additional commitments but there is still far too much to be done.


Finally, at least for this blog post, is where I am at with my goals.  I have been plodding along on many of them.  My numbers have reached a place where they are not fabulous but they are ok.  I'm keeping a forward momentum but I am not gaining any real ground.  At the last meeting we were encouraged to look at our goals.  Now I do this often.  I have them printed out at the front of my IHC binder that I use to journal and track everything.  It is one thing to take a peak and remind yourself that they exist.  This week I looked at them.  I mean really looked at them.  I ask myself honestly where I was at.  In many cases, I did not like the answers.


Where does that leave me?  I have a colourful, full calendar and many things that are not even written on it but need doing.  I have been trying hard to focus on being present and not rushing around like a crazy chicken with my head chopped off.  These two situations seem to really be at odds with one another.  I think the much discussed questions of "Where am I and what am I doing?" will need to become a habit this month.  So with a deep breath, I am off to the races but not in a rush...

What's The Rush????

Hurry is the great enemy of spiritual life in our day.  You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.

-Dallas Willard

There is more to life than simply increasing its speed.

-Mahatma Gandhi

At the start of our year working towards mastery, we made a list of goals.  These goals are commitments that we thought through carefully.  They were actions that we personally believed would lead us closer to mastery as we travelled through our year.


So what does this lovely list of goals have to do with hurry.  I'm guessing that each one of us started this year off with a very full and busy life.  Then we add in this new list.  My list of things that I wanted to do, needed to do just keeps growing.  So what is our first human response.  We try to do more, faster, more efficiently...  It's always more, more, more...  Not only are we rushing around like crazy chickens with our heads cut off, we are dragging everyone else along with us.  Faster, more, chaos....


So here I am knee deep in my quest to get it all done.  One of my favourite things to do is read.  It is my go to place when I have a moment of quiet.  Even here though, I have lists of books to read.  I always have several books on the go.  This past week I read each of these quotes.  Ironically, they were in two separate books.  The fact that this message came up twice within the span of 24 hours was not lost on me.  The fact that both of these quotes hit me to my core was not lost on me.  The fact that I need these reminders in front of my face CONSTANTLY was not lost on me.


The past few days I have tried to slow down.  I have tried to take moments to notice life, to feed my spirit.  I have tried to be more present instead of rushing to do five more things in 30 seconds before I run out the door.  By slowing down, I have noticed opportunities that likely would have gone unnoticed in my past frenzy.  Simple things like a walk with my son, slowly and gently brushing my daughter's hair, a game of UNO with the family before bed, more hugs, more kisses...


I have tried to keep these thoughts in front of me as I have travelled through this week.  The internal struggle has been very real.  The fact that I am writing this blog post on Friday instead of Tuesday has been part of this internal conversation.  Life has been busy.  I have been on the run.  I have had opportunities where I could have thrown together a quick blog.  I have had multiple opportunities where I could have worked on this post in bits and pieces.  BUT...  I chose to slow down and not fill every second to overflowing.  I needed time to try to piece together this post in a way that is meaningful to me, to process the thoughts.  I wanted this opportunity to feed my spirit and not just be an item checked off my list.  Blog done.  Check.


This week has been all about trying to slow down.  I have challenged myself to look at the true meaning behind what I am doing and being present while I do things instead of fifty steps ahead.  I am finding this very hard.  My mind is a busy, messy place.  For today, I am trying to slow down, to embrace my messy mind and look out at the world around me and soak it in.

Doing or Being - Choosing To Be...

The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.  When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.

-Thich  Nhat Hanh

Life is busy.  Life is hectic.  We all have our plans and our goals and things that need to be done.  We write out to do lists.  We track our accomplishments.  We are always so busy doing.  Is that really what is most important though...  Are we human doings or are we human beings. (I can't take credit for that sentence.  I have heard it used somewhere, just no idea where right now.)


This past week has provided me with many opportunities to choose between being and doing.  This week I attempted to be mindful to embrace people instead of accomplishments. 


Thursday night I was so tired after class but was provided with the opportunity to have a cup of tea and a chat with one of my favourite peeps.


Friday night was date night with my precious girl.  We shopped, ate supper and then were blessed to watch some of the best figure skaters this world has to offer (and most of them are homegrown).  It was so much fun to share one of my greatest passions growing up with my little lady.  Definitely a night to remember.


Saturday was filled with family.  My parents and cutie patootie nephew came from Calgary to enjoy Pandamonium with us for the second year in a row.  Add to that the chance to spend time in the sunshine living and laughing with my kung fu family...  Awesome day.


Sunday I was tired, done, wanted to stay home and hide....  Two sets of eyes greeted me that morning, one blue and one brown.  Instead off to church we went and stayed for potluck afterwards.  So blessed to have such a wonderful church family.


In each of these cases I had to chose to mindfully give myself to others.  Sometimes it was easy.  Other times there was definitely an internal struggle.  Saturday was the most challenging struggle.  I had looked forward all week to getting some serious numbers in.  Sifu Beckett was alone on the mats.  I really needed help with my Tai He.  Then I looked out the window and saw my parents standing alone in the parking lot.  Numbers or people...  Doing or being...


Every time I chose to nurture a relationship it turned out to be a precious gift to myself.  My hope was that it was a precious gift to those that I was with as well.