Tornado Brain

Tornado - a violent rotating column of air

So... Substitute air for thoughts and that is where my brain seems to have been for much of the summer. 

I am struggling.  My brain is full and busy and spinning and overwhelmed.  Thoughts pop in and out at an astounding speed.  The popping in is a bit of an issue.  The popping out is seeming to be a huge issue.  I seem to be unable to hold onto my thoughts long enough to remember what I was doing, what I was going to do and what I need to do.  I am finding that I am writing myself little notes all over the place just trying to capture it all.

The result is that my life feels like it is in turmoil.  I feel like things are falling through the cracks.  I know that many of my requirements are falling through the cracks.  It is not that I don't want to do my requirements.  I am finding that I am getting to the end of the day and it just has not happened.  I'm not sure where the day has gone.  I spend my days busy.  I am doing things that need doing.  I can see progress in many areas of life yet  I just feel like I can't get any real traction.

The one requirement that I know will be the most helpful in this situation is also the one requirement that I am finding the absolute hardest to do right now.  Yup, journalling...  I have been relatively faithfully writing in a journal daily since I started the IHC.  It is a place to sort out  my thoughts and process life.  Lately I look at my book and I struggle to even open it.  When I do get it open, I just stare at it.  I am finding it hard to quiet my brain long enough to form a coherent thought to then get it written on the page. 

I have also struggled to blog.  It's not that I don't have things to blog about.  I have thoughts all the time about what I should sit down and blog about.  It's just that when I sit down to do the actually work, my brain spins.  It feels like that little spinning icon that you see when the internet is looking for a webpage that just is not responding.  It spins and spins.  Then the message that it is unable to find the content it was looking for.

Opportunity Embraced - Sanshou

I had not planned to take the sanshou seminar.  Honestly, I had many emotions linked to this seminar and the desire to participate was definitely not in the mix.  My gut instinct was to find absolutely anything else to do during that one hour time period on Saturday. 

But...  I am not the only kung fu student in my home.  I was not the only person being offered this opportunity.  Waylon was super excited about the chance to take this seminar and begged me to register him.  Finally I relented and registered both of us.  I could not come up with a real reason to not join him on the mats that didn't sound like an excuse.

The first day rolled around and my anxiety was really high.  I considered watching from the sidelines.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I find sparring one the more mentally challenging parts of kung fu.  I really don't like to take the hits.  The idea of takedowns and potentially rattling my brain was not appealing.  Then add to that, I find it really hard to hit other people. 

I had zero desire to step out of the changeroom that morning.  I kept reminding myself that it is my job to embrace the opportunities that are given to me.  With a deep breath, I stepped out on the mats....  And I survived!  Not only did I survive, I had a great class.  I was partnered with Sifu Beckett.  We had lots of laughs, worked hard and came out feeling a little more confident.

Unfortunately, my mind played similar games with me each and every week.  Each and every week, I took the step of faith out of the changeroom onto the mats.  Every week I was happy with the decision that I made.

Then the week came where it was time to do matches...  We had been warned that there would be matches.  These warnings do a number on my mental game.  I looked for every excuse in the book to not get on the mats.  Couldn't find a good one...  Then I decided that I would step on the mats but I gave myself permission to not do a match.  It is one thing to do takedowns in a controlled environment, but the idea of not knowing it is coming seemed more than my mental state could wrap my brain around.  In the end, I did two separate rounds with Ms. Burke.  I survived!  I was happy once again that I stepped out.

I am grateful for many things through this process.  I am grateful for opportunities to stretch myself.  I am grateful that I train in an environment where I have the choice to sit on the side if my mental state does not allow me to step in without judgement.  I am grateful for the ability to train to the level that I am at and not be pushed too far before I am ready.  I am grateful that the people around me seem to believe in me a whole lot more than I do.  I am grateful for laughs on the mats, shared sweat and the friendships I have at the kwoon.  I am grateful that I did not listen to the excuses and I took the risk of stepping out.  I am grateful I did not let this opportunity pass me by.

Universal Truth - Rotation

Last week I attended three classes where the focus for at least a portion of the class was on the universal truths of martial arts - not just kung fu.  These are the bare basics of what we are learning and are true no matter what martial art you are attempting to learn or master.

Having reached the level of kung fu that I have, I would love to believe that I have at least some handle on these truths.  What I learned last week is that instead of having a handle on these universal truths, I have much more work to do.  Perhaps what I have learned with time is the ability to notice when guided to look in the right place.

Years ago, Sifu Playter spent a great deal of time working with the morning class on the timing of the rotation of our hands during techniques.  He clearly modeled and taught that both the hand delivering the technique and the one that is returning to the hip MUST have a rotation.  This is the secret to power.  I had thought that I had applied this lesson - until last week.

Last week, we were focusing on this in our forms.  Once I really slowed down and was extremely mindful about the rotation I realized that in my forms it is hit and miss!  More times than not it is in the hand that is delivering the technique.  The hand returning to my hip is an entirely different story, not with every move but more often than I had ever noticed.  I had been busy being mindful of the one hand and had forgotten to remain mindful of the other.  So much work to do!!!!

I have been practicing my form in much slower motion, trying to be mindful of this.  I'm not entirely sure I'm making much headway on this yet but it is in the forefront as I practice.

Progressing Forward

At the meeting on Saturday, we were encouraged to look at our goals that we had set out for the year and ask ourselves some very basic questions.  Why did I set these particular goals?  Are they still relevant?

My goals were very carefully selected. 

The first priority was relationships.  My relationship with God, with Chad and with my kids were the top of the list.  The final goal in this area is to take care of the my relationships with others.  I have a natural tendency towards introversion.  I would prefer a cup of tea and a book to a night out.  I know that without a push, I'll let people who matter to me drift away.

The next area of goals related to my environment.  My home is in serious need of a massive declutter and deep clean.  The previous owner of our home were relatives.  It makes for a different dynamic in many ways.  It has been challenging to make this house feel like it is truly mine and as a result, we have been just living here almost like it is temporary.  We have been here over seven years.  There is no plan for us to leave our home for at least another seven.  I need to get truly moved in and make this our home.

The final area of my goals all relate to preparing to grade for black belt in 2019.  I was provided with the opportunity to grade this year but I feel it is best for my journey to wait until next year.

This year has been filled with challenges to date.  These challenges have slowed my progress on many of my goals due to time constraints.  The reality is though - all of my goals are still very relevant and important.  Life is going to be full of changes over the next few months.  The changes that are coming make these goals honestly all the more relevant especially in the area of relationships and my home environment.  Although I have made the decision to not grade this year, I need to start preparing now.

Where does this leave me?  In many ways it is easy to beat myself up over what I have not managed to accomplish.  I am behind where I planned to be.  Yet, what good will it do to beat myself up.  I need to continue on the path that I have been travelling with the goals that are on track.  I need to just start making more baby steps on the other goals.  The focus is on progressing forward.

Relentless

Relentless - persistent, never-ending, incessant, endless, unrelenting

We were challenged on Thursday night to take a good look at where we are at in our journey this year.  In some areas this year has been a screaming, cheering success.  In other areas, not so much.  In my world, there seems to be little middle ground.

As I have been thinking on this, the word relentless seems to be the one that keeps coming to mind.  We need to be relentless in our pursuit of mastery.  Why?  Mediocrity is in relentless pursuit of each and every one of us.  Society has embraced mediocrity in many ways and in many situations.  It is the path of least resistance at the moment.  The problem is that even with it being the path of least resistance, it is not the path that leads to the best outcome for our lives.  So we need to choose.  Are we going to allow mediocrity to relentlessly pursue us or will we pursue something different.

Relentless is also a word that comes to mind because this week I have been fighting a brutal summer cold that has been indeed that - relentless...  It started as a sore throat and moved into my head.  I couldn't bring myself to get on the mats Thursday night and honestly only came to the kwoon so that Waylon would not miss out on a dragon practice.  I was able stick some medicine on it and hold it at bay for Canada Day but then it moved into my chest.  I had hoped I was on the mend but that appears to not have been the case.  Hopefully this will clear out soon as it has definitely slowed me down.

The demands of life have felt relentless lately.  My calendar for June was so full that it left little room for margin or anything that was not literally written on it.  Being all go has probably greatly contributed to my immune system giving out on me.  Between being busy and under the weather, mediocrity has been lurking in many areas of life.  My focus was definitely where I needed it to be but little progress was made on many of the goals I had set out for the year.  The calendar this month is not quite as full but I am finding that mediocrity is pressing in.  I am tired and I am fighting the urge to just stop for a time and rest. 

Thankfully, the journey is not just one month long.  I know that I can't keep life on pause.  I get a chance to reset and shift my focus to relentless pursuit of mastery.  Today I will focus on doing what I can within the limits of my health.  I will keep my goals in front of me.  The definition of relentless does not demand that I do it all at once or in grand fashion.  I will make small daily decisions to move in the right direction and pursue them.  Definitely not the path of least resistance but it will be worth it. 

A New First

I chose to not blog earlier this week because I knew I needed to wait until after my first Sihing class on Tuesday.  This was a new milestone in my journey and I wanted to be blog about it.  Then, Wednesday turned into Thursday, which turned into Friday....  Life goes so fast it is important to take a moment to pause and look at milestones.

So Tuesday I was feeling a lot of different emotions.  

For most students in kung fu, you've moved up through the classes as you progress through the belts.  Those of us who have attended the morning class, we have not had that experience.  I started in the morning class nearly seven years ago.  Outside of joining the IHC, I have primarily only attended this one class until recently.  I am used to a multi-belt environment.  Stepping into a class designed solely for a higher belt level was very intimidating.

Then there was that the fact that I felt really old.  Not just a little old.  But really old.  For the first time in my life, I was going to step on the mats and every student was young enough to be one of my children.  Oy....  These teens and young adults are incredible.  I have watched them grow up and progress.  So old and intimidated were definitely in the mix...

There were moments on the drive to class where I considered just going for a cup of tea instead.  This month has been hard.  There has been a great deal going on in our family life and it has just been so busy that I can't even wrap my brain around where the days have gone.  I wasn't sure I had it in me to put myself out there.  The risk seemed like almost too much.

Instead, I did what I have always done.  Just drove to the kwoon.  Through anxiety, fear, excitement, overwhelm, joy, tears...  You name it, I have just always drove to the kwoon.  And I was really happy I did on Tuesday!

The class on Tuesday was fantastic.  It was challenging.  I still felt a little like a fish out of water but it was doable.  I was happy in the end that I showed up.

Rumour has it that next week is fitness...  I am sure that I am going to feel old and really like a fish out of water but I am going to keep pushing myself out of that comfort zone.

Seeking the Secret Sauce

This blog is later than I planned.  This blog is also on a much different topic than I had planned.  

The last little while has been a crazy full rollercoaster.  There are highs.  There are lows.  There are moments when all I feel like I can do is hold on for dear life.  My calendar looks like a warzone demanding my every minute.  I have so much I could blog about.  The biggest obstacle was finding the moment. 

Monday I had a general road map of where I wanted to go with my blog.  I was thinking through the approach of how I would express myself.  It was going to be a blog about building my vocabulary.  My journey the past few weeks has had me learning a great deal and finding some wild extremes in thought but I will save that for a future blog.  I've had a great deal to chew on and to work on processing. 

So back to Monday...  I have a super full day planned but I figured I could perhaps find a moment to blog in the afternoon.  Then my best laid plans took a detour...  First of all my topic was dramatically changed in the blink of an eye.  We had just lined up to bow out at the end of class on Monday and Sifu Hayes called me to the front.  And this happened!!!!

I was utterly and completely surprised.  Our morning class seems to do things a little differently.  I've watched in the evening classes people being pulled off to grade for their next belt.  Perhaps due to class size or due to the fact that many days there is only one Sifu on deck, we don't tend to do a formal grading.  There is a definite bonus to this.  I have learned to approach each day on the mats in class as if I were grading for the next level.  You give it the best that you can each class, you listen, you ask questions.  So there was no warning.  I must say it was a pretty fantastic surprise.

So back to the title of the blog...  Just last week in the car on the way home from kung fu, Waylon had asked me when I would be grading for my second degree brown belt.  I had told him I wasn't really sure what that process looked like.  I had asked what to work on and received the answer of everything.  I was approaching each class with everything I had to give in that moment.  I told him that really what I was looking for was the secret sauce - there must be something that I was being watched for, I just did not know what exactly it was.

Did I find the secret sauce?  That is a question for my Sifu's.  Do I know what that secret sauce is?  No, not really.  Where do I go from here?  Just keep giving it my all and see where the next phase of this crazy journey leads me.