Growing in Empathy

Empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

One of the qualities that I really appreciate about SRKF is the focus on empathy.  I have had many people look at me sideways (especially family) when I try to explain that we are involved with kung fu.  They just can't seem to reconcile how I would send my sweet babies somewhere where they teach fighting.  They seem unable to reconcile that I would attend a place that promotes punching and kicking.  I try to explain that it is not like that but many times it falls on ears that are ready to hear.


I personally believe that empathy is one of the greatest qualities a person can have.  It is a quality that I have spent my life trying to grasp.  I remember when we were at my bridal shower many moons ago they played a game.  They had privately interviewed Chad.  Then I, along with the other guests had to try to guess what his answers were.  His answers surprised me which is why I still remember then.  He said one of his favourite qualities about me was my heart for others.  One of his greatest fears was that I would give away absolutely everything one day to someone in need.


My heart bleeds for others.  Yet, I still have so much to learn.  I can hear a story and impacts me greatly - my heart will rejoice or break depending on the story.  I carry the story with me.  Then I get stuck...


This relates back to my post last week about feeling small.  I have so much in my heart yet I still need to grow in true empathy.  I need to reach past my pure emotion and do the hard work of seeking to truly understand so that I can make a real difference.  Right now there is so much hurt in my immediate surroundings.  There are people who are displaced because of the fires.  A close family member received a terminal cancer diagnosis.  An acquaintance received a medical diagnosis that seems pretty hopeless.  That is just this week's hurts.  My heart feels like it can't take much more and honestly it wants to shut the world off to hide.  I have to opportunity to make a real difference in someone's life but I must not hide or shutdown.


This is what Pandamonium is really all about.  We are to seek out and learn what our charities really do and who they really help.  We are to seek understanding and then take that final step to truly helping.  It seeks to teach us not only empathy but what to do with that empathy.  That is a lesson that I am still working to learn.


As for Chad's fear of me giving everything away - it has not happened YET...

Feeling Small...

Yesterday was my blog day.  I struggled all day with writing a blog.  It turned out to much more of a lament than anything.  I didn't end up publishing it because I couldn't seem to find the words to convey my heart.  It started out like this...


Some days I question my ability to have a true impact on the world.  The world is so big.  There are so many issues.  I am just one person.  For every small act that I attempt, there are millions more that need doing in this world.  If you really think about the hugeness of the issues and our world and the smallness of who we are, it can be very overwhelming.


Pandamonium is upon us!  The chatter at the kwoon about the charities has really picked up over the past week or so.  Great charities doing great work all over the world.  The conversations and the growth opportunities are fantastic to watch and be a part of.


In my own life, I try to give - especially my time whenever I can.  I try to raise my kids to see the needs in the world and try to figure out how or what they can do to make a difference.  Really my kids are awesome!  They volunteer and serve others.  They forgo gifts so that others may receive.  They can't remember a birthday party where the gift giving focus has been on themselves.  Their hearts bleed for others.  They inspire me.


Then we start to take our passions outside the kwoon, and that's when the going gets tough.  We knock on doors and we get that "you again" look.  We try to chat up family about the charities and they just want to know who to write the cheque to.  The apathy in the world is staggering.




The apathy makes my passion seem small yet we have to keep doing what we can for those who cannot do for themselves.  Honestly, I find this time of year very discouraging.  The people in our kung fu family are so amazing and filled with empathy that it really highlights the difference from many out in the rest of the world.


I do feel small.  I wonder how much impact I can have on the world. 


That was the majority of my lament.  I just couldn't figure out how to finish it off.  Then the events in Fort Mac hit last night.  I watched the footage with my husband of the fires out of control right in town.  Fires that were cutting off the only road in and out of a remote community.  A community under full evacuation orders but in many cases no way to head south.  Many had to head north cut off from everyone by one highway.  Chad has spent a great deal of time working up there.  We have friends who continue to work up there.  This situation is very personal.


Today I sit here with a different perspective, funny what a difference a day makes.  I am waiting for our first evacuated house guest to arrive.  I watch the response of the people in Alberta to this situation.  Everyone is scrambling to find something, anything that they can do.  People do NOT lack empathy - they just need a spark to light under them.


I do still feel small.  Today though I realize that we are all small but if enough of us small people care enough about something, then huge things can happen.  That makes me think of the Lorax, so I will leave you with a famous Dr. Suess quote:

UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better.  It's not.

My Magic Rose Garden

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.   - Dale Carnegie

I read this quote the other day and it really hit home.  Not sure if it is how he meant it but nonetheless, here is my take...


I have been struggling with a serious case of unrealistic expectations.  I have a magical rose garden.  In many cases I have what it takes to have parts of this magical rose garden.  I just can't have the whole rose garden all the time.  My list has me mastering my life.  My kung fu requirements are nailed down.  My home and yard looks like it belongs in a magazine.  My business is thriving and my clients are happy.  I have time to sit and read, create or volunteer like crazy all over the community all while loving on my family and friends.  I want it all!  I want a perfect life!


The past six months I have had to work hard at letting things go and lowering my expectations, particularly of myself.  There was a time period during my healing that I wasn't supposed to do anything but sleep.  I had to let the mess go.  I had to walk away from commitments.  I had to accept that my best was what it was.  It was so hard.  I thought I had done it.


Yes, I thought I had...  Until I took a hard look this week.  I had not accepted my best.  I had trusted that I could put it all off and then once I was better I could wave my magic wand and just like that my magical rose garden would appear.  Well, I can't find my magic wand anywhere!  Can you say insta-garden!  Maybe the dust bunnies ate it...  I really don't know.


Anyways, for this week I have been working the lesson of smelling the roses today, the real roses not the imagined ones.  Each day, I put forward the best that I have that day.  I need to accept that.  If it was not my best, I need to accept that as well.  Why?  Once a day is lived, it is done.  I can't change it.  All I can do is learn from it.  If the effort was not my best, then I need to move forward and do my best now.  When I truly search my heart, I know that my magical rose garden does not truly exist.  The cost to achieve it all, all at the same time just is not one that is realistic.  Honestly, if I did start to achieve it, I would just add to it anyway...  True mastery is not going to be found in my magical rose garden.  It is in the journey, in today, in this moment and in smelling today's roses instead of chasing roses that will likely never get a chance to bloom.  That journey is all for nothing if it causes me to be so unkind to myself that I miss the real blessings right in front of me today.

I HAD a Concussion!

It's really hard to sum up the last eight months.  So little has changed around me yet so much has changed within me.  There are times when I feel like I have lost so much.  Other times I can see all that I have gained in lessons.  The challenges have been real, hard and at times all-consuming.


Last August I felt like my world imploded when someone who perhaps should not have been driving chose to.  He did not stop at a stop sign and that mistake rocked my world.  Since that day I have had to work hard to heal.  During this time the hardest thing was not what I needed to do to heal but what I was not able to do.  I never realized how hard it was to do nothing.  Then once healing hit a certain point, it was time to push again.


Yesterday I sat on the floor at the physiotherapist office and she had me say "I HAD a concussion."  I no longer have a concussion.  My brain has officially healed or at least has learned to compensate to a respectable level.  Am I 100% awesome and ready to go?  No, but I have been released into the world to start living a non-restricted life while I work my way back.


Don't get me wrong.  This is AMAZING news.  I just thought that it would be more freeing.  Instead today it fills me with some anxiety.  I have held back for so long, protected myself.  The thought of not having to do that is hard to adjust to.  The people who love me most celebrated and then quickly added to please be careful.  This process has been so hard on all of us.  Our journey as a family through this is not done.  I still have work to do with a neuropsychologist to deal with the PTSD and anxiety that has also resulted from this.


For today my mantra is "I HAD a concussion."  I think it may take some time to truly sink in.

Get Those Fingers Movin'!

Like many people, as a child I took music lessons.  I was so excited when I started.  I remember begging my mom to let me take lessons.  Then as time wore on and the practicing was not as much fun as I had envisioned, the begging changed.  It turned into a battle.  I begged to quit.  My mom begged me to practice.  Finally tired of the fight, my mom agreed to let me stop.


Like many people, I have regrets.  As a child I would have never understood but now I truly wished that I had stuck with it.  Trust me, as a momma myself, I do not hold me mom responsible in any way shape or form for these regrets.  For much of my adulthood I had dreamed of returning to lessons.


Fast forward several years, now I am the momma with the sweet girl begging for lessons.  I put it off as long as I thought I could and then I gave in.  We didn't even own a piano but we found a teacher who agreed to give her some summer lessons on a toy keyboard to try it out.  Perfect!  Two months, not a long term commitment.  Well, would you know it - my sweet baby girl is amazing.  We ended up picking up a better keyboard.  Fast forward two years and I simply can't get over the music she can play.


After we purchased the keyboard, my dream kept nagging at me.  I asked if my daughter's teacher would have room to give me lessons as well.  Taking music lessons as an adult is a whole different ballgame than taking them as a child. I am really enjoying it but at times need an extra little push to practice (and my mom refused to nag at me now).  Enter my IHC personal requirements!  One of my goals this year is to spend 100 hours at the piano.  Sounds like a lot but not if I just keep picking away at it each day (just like every other requirement).


For the last year or so I had been learning these lovely flowing pieces.  Then after Christmas I was marveling to my teacher at the amazing speed in which some of her young students can play.  She went and pulled out this book and asked me if I wanted to learn one of the songs.  I looked at the music.  Didn't look too hard, yet not too easy.  Fantastic!  What I didn't realize is that this piece is to played at light speed!!!  Can you say fast twitch and  coordination (both important kung fu skills)!  I can say it but not fast and not without tripping over my tongue.  Yes, I do stick my tongue out at times.  Each week it gets a little faster and there are less pauses in it but I still have a long way to go to get it to where it is supposed to be. 


This beautiful song is Sonatina in C major, opus 36 number 3 by Clementi.  I did find a very talented young lady who plays it absolutely beautifully on youtube.  After working on this piece for over  3 months, the talent in this child amazes and inspires me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIKiRH-fRx4

Rainbows, Puppies & Kittens! Oh My....



There are so many things about kung fu that I truly enjoy.  Honestly one of my favourites is forms.  I love the structure.  I love that I can slow it down and really pay attention to the details.  I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that there is always something to fix.  Love the challenge, sometime struggle with frustration with myself. 

Then there are things that I have struggled with in kung fu right from the get go.  The number one struggle that I have is the internal harmonies.  I hear the words "now do it full power and full speed" and what you get is the picture below....

Yes, that is me.  I bring puppies, kittens and rainbows to class.  It has been a long standing joke actually.  I saw this picture for the first time a year ago and thought I have to blog about this.  Well a year later, the mental picture has stuck with me.

So what am I doing about it?  I just keep trying.  I think I am starting to make a little head way.  On Monday in class, I was told that my puppy had grown into a lanky teenage pup.  That's a long way from fluffy kittens.  Maybe someday I can be a Rottweiler (as long as I'm not like the one next door that I call kitty - that's just the same fluffiness in a bigger package).

Shaking Up the Routine

Last week I focused on avoiding the "laters" in my life.  My numbers were much better than they have been in weeks.  I could feel the momentum building, good routines forming.  All very exciting stuff.  Then...

SPRING BREAK!!!!

Routines, especially new ones, are such fragile things.  I have already noticed a huge difference in the past couple days having the kids around all day long.  We have filled our days with sunshine and playdates (even one for mama).  It has been great.  I can't say the same for my numbers. 


The issue this week has not been so much the dreaded word "later".  This week the enemy is pure busyness.  It's not that I've been putting off my training.  It hasn't occurred to me to do it, that is until bedtime when I go to record my numbers and I realize how quickly the day has flown by with not much to record.


This issue is about to be compounded with a quick trip to Calgary to visit family.  My routines are going to be completely shot!  I think for this week the plan is squeeze in as much as I can remember to do while I enjoy my family.  Weeks like this are a great reminder of how important incremental progress and consistent action are to ever fragile routines.  It would also have been helpful to have had a little padding on my numbers too but alas, this is not the case.