I Need A Bigger Eraser

My name is Karen and I am a control freak. There I said it. 

I am the kind of girl who makes a decision (usually fairly quickly), makes a plan (with a list of to do's) and then works the plan. This started at a fairly young age. When I was single, it was fairly easy. Then when I got married, it was a little more challenging but since Chad worked away a lot, I still had a great deal of control. Then we had kids.....  

The past twelve years have been an education and on many days an exercise in frustration. I would love to report that I no longer need to be in control but that would be a lie. 

This past month has been especially frustrating. I had my goals. I had my plan. I was working the plan. It was going well. Then the accident stopped all of that. My well planned out life needed to be adjusted. All of a sudden there were tons of appointments and even more restrictions on what I could do. I am happy to say that I think we are having a lot of success in treating the whiplash. 

Now the issue is the lingering concussion. One of the most lovely side affects has been difficulty in making simple decisions. Add in a plan that I am no longer able to work and there is a lot of frustration mixed with mental fatigue. 

This week has been no different. I was so grateful that my hubby was able to finally get home on Sunday night. We were supposed to leave to go camping Wednesday. Monday morning the phone rings. It is his mom letting us know that his grandma had passed away. 

Monday was filled with phone calls, changing plans, new plans, scrapping those plans and starting over. We now have a plan. We leave in the morning. Instead of heading west with the trailer, we are heading east. The funeral is Tuesday in Saskatchewan so we are turning the trip into a holiday. 

This week has been filled with constantly changing plans. My poor calendar on the kitchen wall has had quite a workout. 

All that to say, years ago a very wise control freak (my mom) gave me some great advice. Write everything in pencil so that you can erase it if needed. I think I need a bigger eraser. 

Challenge Issued - Will You Accept?

What two things do we love here at SRKF?  Our charities and training of course!
What if there was another way to combine these two loves?


SCARS posted on Facebook the other day that they are now on ResQwalk.  This is a great little app that you can download for free.  Every week there is a pool of money available to be given to the rescue organizations that are signed up.  The pool is then distributed each week based on their total distance in proportion to the other rescues.


I have downloaded the app and have taken a couple of walks.  Will you join me to help the precious furbabies at SCARS?

Reflections : The Halfway Mark

Life is a crazy, constantly changing thing.  We are encouraged to live in the moment to get the most out of life - that is where the action actually happens.  Yet to truly get the most out of life, there are times where it is important to pause and look at where we started and where we are right now.


Did you guys even realize that this weekend marked the half way point of our I Ho Chuan year?!?  It seems like yesterday that we were all celebrating the start of this year.  Yet, it feels like an eternity has passed since that date as well.


This past six months, I have definitely had a unique journey from most of the team.  I do not believe in luck, which is a good thing because then I would really have to wonder...  I do believe in learning experiences.  That is what this year has tossed my way.  I have had two major stops in my training.  I have had to fight back.  Many people would have packed it in, especially after the knee injury at the two week mark.  Just as I was really hitting a great rhythm, now I am at the start of a new pause as I deal with the soft tissue injuries from my car accident.  More learning experiences than I thought I'd get in such a short time period.


Milestone dates and pauses...  These provide the time and the context to reflect - to really look back.


At the start of this year, I really did not believe that I could obtain the physical goals.  The thought of doing 50,000 push ups in a lifetime seemed pretty far out there, let alone in one year.  Seriously, I could only do 3 push ups at a time.  That is a lot of sets...  And really, who would want to.  Push ups are really hard.  My biggest obstacle was that I didn't believe that I had it in me.


I am not able to tell you that I am at that magical 25,000 mark.  I can tell you that in the first six months of this year is did do 20,634 push ups.  When I look at that number it blows my mind.  The next thing that is blowing my mind is that in the past week I have had to stop doing push ups - and I actually miss them. 


I just looked back over my daily log.  March 4th I had hardly anything to report expect for 6 hours in emergency with Sifu Rybak.  My next reportable km were on March 10th.  I managed to walk 1.5 km and it only took me 42 minutes.  That was a huge moment for me.  Now to think that I have put on nearly 425 km walking with my sweet hound after that injury (only now at a much faster pace).


That is just couple of examples of the changes this year has already brought into my life.  I have gone from doubting my own abilities completely to truly starting to believe that perhaps someday I could dream about a black belt.  I have had to fight hard.  I am finding out what I am made of.  I am finding that the more I have to fight, the more I want it.


I have promised my physiotherapist that I will behave for the next week or so but then I am coming back swinging.  So far this journey has been beyond anything I could have ever imagined.  I can hardly wait to see what is in store for the second half of the year.

Week 25 - That Old Saying...

"How am I doing?"  This is the question that I am asked the most followed quickly by - "Is there anything I can do for you?"  I struggle with both of these questions.  First of all, I have a hard time admitting when I am struggling.  Second of all, I find it even harder to ask for help.  I am used to just handling everything life throws my way.


So the answer to the first question is...

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

That is the answer I gave my hubbie on Sunday morning when he called to check on me.  Seems like a fitting answer.  It is the truth. 


This week has been a tough one.  Honestly, I am struggling with whiplash after the accident on Saturday.  I have had a headache pretty much since Sunday morning.  When it is at it's worst, I need to go lay down.  It is causing lots of nausea.  My appetite is way down to the point there are times where I have forgotten to eat.  Anyone who knows me, knows that this is not a common occurrence.  I am fighting a lot of brain fog as well.  Emotionally I am all over the map.  Most days this week have consisted of figuring out what absolutely has to happen and then putting one foot in front of the other.


So where is my training at?  Well, the physical side has pretty much ceased to exist since Saturday.  I am finding that the day to day dealings of life with the addition of a gazillion calls with insurance stuff has drained most of my energy.  I am still figuring out where I am and then I will start working on what I can do.  I need to be careful.  I want this to heal properly.  Unfortunately, I seem to be unable to break myself in such a way that there is a quick fix...  


Now for the second question...  Right now, please just keep being the amazing people that you all are.  I appreciate all of your encouragement, kindness and concern.  For the time being, I will be likely riding the bench for a bit.  Please know that that is not where my heart is.  It is on the mats.

Life Happened....

Today had the potential to be awesome!  I was a girl with a plan.  My sweet little furbaby had a checkup at the vet.  After that mow part of the lawn, feed my urchins and then off to open training.  Then pop them home before the meeting.  The plan for the evening was make them a nice meal and have a family movie night.  Plans are great aren't they!  That is until life happens....


Today life happened.  Our vet checkup went awesome considering the month my sweet girl has had.  I was on my way home with a full and thankful heart.  Than life happened.  It happened so fast.  I could see it coming but I was unable to react fast enough to stop it.  Out of the corner of my eye I could see the truck coming.  Then through the stop sign he flew without even slowing down.  I swerved but not in time.  Before I knew it my van is two lanes of traffic over and facing the other direction.  Airbags have deployed all over the place.  Life happened...


So what's a girl to do when life happens...  I could wallow in the fact that my van is a complete write off.  I could bemoan the fact that my hubbie is stuck in Fort Mac when I really need him here.  I could focus on all the ouchie spots that seem to be popping out of nowhere as time passes.


Today I am choosing to be grateful instead.  I walked away from this accident.  I opened my own door and got out of my vehicle on my own steam.  My sweet little furbaby seems to be completely unharmed by the experience.  I am grateful that my children were not in the van with me.  They were spared serious injury and trauma.  I am grateful for all the witnesses who stopped and took such good care of me.  In particular there were two couples in separate vehicles who almost seemed to jump into parent mode.  I am grateful for the EMS guy who was so gentle and reassuring when I could not even think straight.  I am grateful for the firemen who brought over a bottle of water for Sammie and I to share in the heat of the morning.  I am grateful for the big, burly tow truck driver who stood on the side of road holding my little one's leash while I pulled all our kung fu gear and weapons out of the back of my van and removed most of our personal belongings.  I am grateful for the police officer who reassured me that the other driver was being very cooperative and accepting the full blame of the accident.  I am grateful for the other police officer who drove me home.  I am grateful that my hubbie was able to call me so quickly and be there for me the best he could from afar.  I am grateful that the man at the claims department of our insurance company had just the right blend of kindness, sympathy and humour to lighten up the situation.  I am grateful that my doctor's office was able to squeeze me in on Monday morning to record and properly assess my physical damages.  I am grateful that my parents were willing to drop everything and come to my rescue if I needed them to even though they do not live here.  I am especially grateful for all the amazing hugs my sweet kids have been giving me all day long.  I really could go on and on.  Today I was greatly blessed even as life happened.


The other thing I chose to do today was to carry on the best I could given the situation.  The thought crossed my mind to skip today's meeting.  Really, who wouldn't have understood my absence.  I had to make a choice.  I really wanted to stay home.  I really did not want to drive again - the thought was actually terrifying to me.  I wasn't sure I would be able to hold it together and I did not want to fall apart.  But, I went anyway...  I want to apologize to the team for not being my usual self today but all I had to offer was my warm body in attendance.  I was not able to truly focus on much of what was said.  I also want to thank Mr. Sand.  I do not know you well but you are an amazingly perceptive person.  It meant so much to me that you noticed that I was not my usual self and then made the effort to actually come over and ask me if I was alright.  Thank you.  Yet another thing to be grateful for.


The kids and I finished the night off with a less than stellar dinner and a movie.  Now I am going to head off to bed and my plan is to be grateful again tomorrow morning for whatever the day has to offer.

Week 24 - The Holiday is Over

Our camping holiday was exactly what I needed.  I was able to unplug and really catch my breath.  I needed to stop before I just simply could not continue on anyway.  I took the time I needed and used it to spend quality time with my people and to simply just breathe.


So, now the holiday is over...  Really over...  I am having troubles getting back into the groove that I had found before I went away.  Life really piled up while I was gone.  Maybe not anymore so than before I left, it just feels like it after stepping away.  This week my numbers were pretty sad.  Last night I declared the holiday over and that I was going to jump in in the morning and get back at it. 


Well I did jump back into life but not kung fu.  I found myself reflecting on my chaotic day on the way to my daughter's kung fu class tonight.  I had not done a single thing to move forward on my goals today.  I had been busy, very busy.  Everything I had done needed doing.  I had not wasted my day away, yet after vowing to make a change - NOTHING! 


Thank goodness I was on my way to the kwoon.  I was able to get in some practice and reps while working with a great bunch of mini-martial artists.  The icing on the cake was watching my sweet girl get the stripe she has been working hard on. 


The kwoon was exactly where I needed to be.  This week, I have much work to do and right now I am feeling ready to tackle it.


Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 24:
Push ups             20,094
Sit ups                22,645
Kempo                  191
Staff                      289
Sparring                510
KM                       430.6
AoK                     450
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal  472
Piano                     37.2 hours
Books finished       13 
Daily fruit - 131 days
365 photo challenge - 109 days
Daily journal - 151 days

Do I Really Have To Go?

So it is confession time...  The first part of last week was brutal.  I was tired and stressed.  I was trying to get ready to leave to go camping.  We haven't been out for two years and our last trip out was definitely a disaster.  Anyone who has known us for any length of time is familiar with the failed quadding trip of 2013.  Chad had been gone for three weeks and was going to arrive home after doing 10 night shifts and I was to have it all ready to go.  My sweetest little fur baby was really sick.  She is nearly 14 years old and has had a brutal month.  I was afraid to even take her to vet because I feared the hard decisions that would need to be made.  The kids were wired for sound at the thought of daddy coming home and us going camping.


In all of this, all I could think was do I really have to go?  I almost asked Chad if I could just pack them all up and ship them all off.  I was done!


I did not do that.  I sucked it up, put on my big girl panties and had things ready to go.  Leaving the driveway I was sure that there were a ton of things that I had forgotten to do.  I decided that it all had to be good enough. I turned off my phone.  I disconnected from the world and off we went.

As it turns out, this camping trip was exactly what I needed.  I spent time relaxing with my peeps.  We played tons of Trouble, UNO and Crib.  We all took turns walking Guiness and loving on Sammie.  Chad took the kids on lots of boat rides leaving me back at the site to read my book and hang with the pooches.  I went from not wanting to go to being so incredibly at peace and at rest.  The rustle of the leaves.  The calling of the loons.  The crackle of the fire.  Giggles and belly laughs from everyone.  Sweet fur baby snuggles.  Life at some of its finest!

Then Saturday rolled around...  Once again I was back at do I really have to go...  Part of me really was ready to leave the campsite (all the long weekend crowd had shown up).  There was no more listening to the sounds of nature but instead the sounds of a super loud generators and really loud neighbours.  But, I was not ready to come home.  I was not ready to re-enter the world that I had turned off and left behind.

Since coming home, we have made a major purchase (those are always stressful), unpacked all the mess and totally cleaned out the trailer, packed everyone back up for a day out at Pigeon Lake with family to celebrate Way's birthday, run errands and packed Chad back up to send him off to work again.  I have tried desperately to keep the peace and rest in my soul that I had found last week.  There are moments where I have to work really hard at it.  There are moments were I have failed and felt totally stressed, rushed and really grouchy.  Yet, I have been able to pull it back to that quiet place.  It is easier to do now that I have that recent memory to fall back to.  My hope is to make that state a much more permanent one for not only me but for my whole family.