There are times in life when you wonder why you are where you are. Then there are times when you know without a doubt that you are exactly where you are supposed to be. This weekend was one of those moments.
I was provided the opportunity to attend a women's conference on Friday night and Saturday during the day. Leading up to the event I had hummed and hawed at whether I should go. Chad was sent out of town... Can I leave the kids for entire day? Will they burn the house down? (At lunch on Saturday, they assured me that only half the house was actually burned down so we are half good.)
I chose to put the questions aside and just go. I was exactly where I needed to be. I was blessed to be surrounded by amazing ladies. I cried more than my share of tears (I am still perhaps a wee bit dehydrated). I walked away with a new perspective that I am now working to apply to my life.
The speaker on Saturday morning used an example that I found hit home particularly hard. The image was one of a person who spins plates. They start with one... That's pretty cool... Then you add another... That seems to be going ok... Then it's another... The crowd is cheering and asking for more plates.... On and on...
The plates represent the many things we juggle in life. I personally have quite an array of plates on any given day. Sometimes (actually more often than I'd like to admit), I drop one. I take a moment, get out the glue and then it's back to spinning. Funny thing is that I often find a couple more plates to spin in those moments. The plates look cool up there spinning. Everyone is focused on the plates.
Now for just a second look down at the person who is doing the spinning. That person in not the picture of calm and stability. Once that person hits a certain threshold of plates, they become more and more frantic, running around trying to keep those plates up in the air. Yes indeed, that is me. Frantic, running.... My heart and soul yearn for peace and stability.
I spent time this past weekend starting to sort through the plates I've been spinning. I have been asking hard questions. Questions like why am I spinning this? Is this even my plate to spin? Did I agree to take on that plate to please someone? Am I spinning this one just for the sake of ego? Those are some of the roots that I have found in the plates as I've looked at them - people pleasing and ego.
The new vision that I am working towards is holding a much smaller stack of plates and not to be holding them alone. I only want to hold the plates that have been carefully selected and that can manage without chaos. This will take time as I sift through the questions.
So here's where that construction zone reference in the title comes in! You may want to proceed with caution. There may be plates flying here and there and everywhere as I sort through them.
Monday 26 February 2018
Monday 19 February 2018
Never Miss a Monday...
Monday is my reset day. I send my family out into the world and I take a moment to collect myself and set the world back into some semblance of order. This is the day I use to really look at my week and put on my game face. An important part of that process for me is sitting down to write my blog.
Now I must admit, today does not look like a traditional Monday... There are people everywhere and it is a little more challenging to establish order when they are in my midst. They may need to tread carefully or they will be given jobs (that'll teach them to not have school).
This is the first Monday of the Dog Year. Even though it is not a normal Monday, I was determined to start the year off right. That was one of my lessons from last year. It is easy to say that I will do my requirements later - after all, I do have all year... I have also learned that it is easy to dig a big hole and even though the journey is about continual improvement, that hole can really kick the motivation right out the door. It is harder and harder to start as the hole grows larger and larger.
So far this year, I am mostly on track. I am off to a good start. I am using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons recommended. It is working way better for me than the spreadsheet I was using last year. I had planned to go back to pen and paper but this makes it feel a little like a game to be honest. I gives it a fresh feeling and I happen to have my tracking system with me most off the time.
I am off to reset and conquer this Monday!
Now I must admit, today does not look like a traditional Monday... There are people everywhere and it is a little more challenging to establish order when they are in my midst. They may need to tread carefully or they will be given jobs (that'll teach them to not have school).
This is the first Monday of the Dog Year. Even though it is not a normal Monday, I was determined to start the year off right. That was one of my lessons from last year. It is easy to say that I will do my requirements later - after all, I do have all year... I have also learned that it is easy to dig a big hole and even though the journey is about continual improvement, that hole can really kick the motivation right out the door. It is harder and harder to start as the hole grows larger and larger.
So far this year, I am mostly on track. I am off to a good start. I am using the Persistence app that Ms. Gibbons recommended. It is working way better for me than the spreadsheet I was using last year. I had planned to go back to pen and paper but this makes it feel a little like a game to be honest. I gives it a fresh feeling and I happen to have my tracking system with me most off the time.
I am off to reset and conquer this Monday!
Friday 16 February 2018
Fresh Start - New Day! New Year!
Happy Year of the Dog!!!!!
I am super excited to be starting a new year! I learned many lessons during the Year of the Rooster but I am ready for a truly fresh start. The clean slate feels full of life and possibility. I am not looking at how far I have to go - some of those numbers seem daunting, especially on day one. I am choosing to focus on what I can do today and taking action.
Let the adventure begin!
I am super excited to be starting a new year! I learned many lessons during the Year of the Rooster but I am ready for a truly fresh start. The clean slate feels full of life and possibility. I am not looking at how far I have to go - some of those numbers seem daunting, especially on day one. I am choosing to focus on what I can do today and taking action.
Let the adventure begin!
Tuesday 13 February 2018
Live As If...
We are winding up the Year of the Rooster. Honestly, I am ready to move forward. This year has been far different than I could have imagined. That seems to be a recurring theme though... We set out plans and goals and then set out on a journey. Rarely is the journey quite what we thought it would be and rarely is it easier than imagined.
For me, this year was filled with mental struggles. Many of the physical issues that had factored into the previous two years had been resolved. The Year of the Rooster looked like it would be smooth sailing. I had my goals. I knew they were doable. I was feeling pretty good. I guess the first issue was that I thought it would be smooth sailing. I let down my guard early. I had too many days where I would get back on track the next day. The more days that piled up, the harder it was to believe.
Belief has been probably my biggest obstacle this year. The bigger the hole I dug by not doing my requirements, the harder it was to believe. The longer it took me to get started on some of my personal goals, the harder it was to believe that I could start them, let alone finish them. Really, I was not believing in myself.
That is the key and the lesson from this year. I need to find a way to believe.
Last week we were talking in class about the black belt grading and in particular the fitness test. We were assured that it is completely doable. There are black belts in every class that can attest to the fact that it can be done. I do not doubt for a minute that it is doable. I have serious doubts that it is doable for me - not just now, but ever. To be honest, the word doubts doesn't feel strong enough here.
So what's a girl to do when she lacks belief? Our beliefs are powerful. We will live and die, succeed or fail by what we believe. If I believe I can, then I stand a chance of being successful. If I believe I can't, then I will be almost guaranteed to fail. Powerful stuff... This reality hangs heavy. There are many areas in my life where I am lacking the level of belief that I need.
I have made a decision that the Year of the Dog will be the year that I push those beliefs. The funny thing about the way I'm feeling is that I can't just decide overnight that something is doable. I can say that I have completely done a 180 and changed my beliefs, but really - I'd be lying to you and to myself. These beliefs are going to need to be pushed and challenged on a daily basis. I need to quit relying on how I feel and just start doing. If I want to grade for a black belt, I need to live as if I'm grading for a black belt. With time and proper action, my belief system will have an opportunity to evolve. But that is only if I live as if each and every moment of each day...
For me, this year was filled with mental struggles. Many of the physical issues that had factored into the previous two years had been resolved. The Year of the Rooster looked like it would be smooth sailing. I had my goals. I knew they were doable. I was feeling pretty good. I guess the first issue was that I thought it would be smooth sailing. I let down my guard early. I had too many days where I would get back on track the next day. The more days that piled up, the harder it was to believe.
Belief has been probably my biggest obstacle this year. The bigger the hole I dug by not doing my requirements, the harder it was to believe. The longer it took me to get started on some of my personal goals, the harder it was to believe that I could start them, let alone finish them. Really, I was not believing in myself.
That is the key and the lesson from this year. I need to find a way to believe.
Last week we were talking in class about the black belt grading and in particular the fitness test. We were assured that it is completely doable. There are black belts in every class that can attest to the fact that it can be done. I do not doubt for a minute that it is doable. I have serious doubts that it is doable for me - not just now, but ever. To be honest, the word doubts doesn't feel strong enough here.
So what's a girl to do when she lacks belief? Our beliefs are powerful. We will live and die, succeed or fail by what we believe. If I believe I can, then I stand a chance of being successful. If I believe I can't, then I will be almost guaranteed to fail. Powerful stuff... This reality hangs heavy. There are many areas in my life where I am lacking the level of belief that I need.
I have made a decision that the Year of the Dog will be the year that I push those beliefs. The funny thing about the way I'm feeling is that I can't just decide overnight that something is doable. I can say that I have completely done a 180 and changed my beliefs, but really - I'd be lying to you and to myself. These beliefs are going to need to be pushed and challenged on a daily basis. I need to quit relying on how I feel and just start doing. If I want to grade for a black belt, I need to live as if I'm grading for a black belt. With time and proper action, my belief system will have an opportunity to evolve. But that is only if I live as if each and every moment of each day...
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.
- Mother Teresa
Sunday 4 February 2018
As Promised...
I have not consistently blogged this past year each week. Rarely though have I gone more than 2 weeks. Each time I have missed I have had a different reason (or excuse). It is also rare that I don't realize that a blog has been missed so it is a choice that I have made.
I did not blog last week. That is a fact.
Where am I? How am I doing?
I continue to show up to classes and demo practices but honestly, that has been pretty much it. I am not doing well on this journey. I am at a point of literally putting one foot in front of the other. I show up because I promised I would but often my mind and heart are not in class with me. I truly want to be fully present and I absolutely do not want to be all tangled up in my nunchucks (like I was yesterday), but many days that is not what happens.
In my personal life as a mom and wife, this past year has had many challenges. In particular, the past few weeks have been particularly challenging. Many of you know bits and pieces of our story. I am in a hard place. Some of the situation is purely my own making and I need to own my role in this messy place. I have loved my family from a place of fear and just wanting to keep the peace. Although peace is a beautiful goal, when it is combined with fear, complacency and inaction, it is not achievable. Recognition that there are fractures between people I love is hard. What is even harder is the reality that I can't fix it and really, that is not my job. Combine all of this with hormones and teenagers and the threat of job losses, it can be like sitting on a landmine. This minefield has me living in a state of survival mode most days lately it seems. The mental and emotional burdens have left me utterly feeling maxed out.
When I signed up for the year of the rooster, I made many promises. I made promises to Sifu Brinker. I made promises to the team. I made promises to my family. I made promises to myself. I have failed in all of these areas. I do not take these failures lightly. I apologize for the impact of these failures.
For the past week, I have been trying to write this blog. Yesterday we all promised to blog by the end of Sunday. As promised, here is my weekly check in.
I did not blog last week. That is a fact.
Where am I? How am I doing?
I continue to show up to classes and demo practices but honestly, that has been pretty much it. I am not doing well on this journey. I am at a point of literally putting one foot in front of the other. I show up because I promised I would but often my mind and heart are not in class with me. I truly want to be fully present and I absolutely do not want to be all tangled up in my nunchucks (like I was yesterday), but many days that is not what happens.
In my personal life as a mom and wife, this past year has had many challenges. In particular, the past few weeks have been particularly challenging. Many of you know bits and pieces of our story. I am in a hard place. Some of the situation is purely my own making and I need to own my role in this messy place. I have loved my family from a place of fear and just wanting to keep the peace. Although peace is a beautiful goal, when it is combined with fear, complacency and inaction, it is not achievable. Recognition that there are fractures between people I love is hard. What is even harder is the reality that I can't fix it and really, that is not my job. Combine all of this with hormones and teenagers and the threat of job losses, it can be like sitting on a landmine. This minefield has me living in a state of survival mode most days lately it seems. The mental and emotional burdens have left me utterly feeling maxed out.
When I signed up for the year of the rooster, I made many promises. I made promises to Sifu Brinker. I made promises to the team. I made promises to my family. I made promises to myself. I have failed in all of these areas. I do not take these failures lightly. I apologize for the impact of these failures.
For the past week, I have been trying to write this blog. Yesterday we all promised to blog by the end of Sunday. As promised, here is my weekly check in.
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