Every day we are faced with choices. We can not do it all, all at the same time. Part of the journey of mastery is being intentional about our choices.
Last night, like many nights, I was faced with the decision of whether or not to attend the second degree brown belt class. This is honestly one of the harder classes for me to get to because it is really all about me. I am much better at ensuring that the needs of my family are met before my own.
Life is a new level of crazy around here. We were at the Stollery for the whole morning getting Georgia's leg evaluated. The realtor is coming on Thursday afternoon to take pictures of the house so that it can get on the market this weekend. Chad is leaving for Terrace on Saturday morning to start his new job. I am feeling more than a little overwhelmed to say the least.
I look at this list that is pulling on my mind. I do have a great deal of work to get done before Thursday afternoon. I was tired after sitting in the hospital for much of the day. I was extremely tempted to just stay home. I decided that I needed to sit with these thoughts and decide if they were reasons to stay home or excuses. Funny thing, was that they could be argued to fall into either category. When I couldn't decide if they were truly reasons or just excuses, I decided that I'd put them in the excuse category and get myself to class.
How often do we allow these situations to play out differently. We make a good case to ourselves with our reasons but really are they great reasons or are they excuses with enough of a justifiable reality to do what we would really rather do than to do what is best. We colour our lives in a way that allows us to live with mediocrity. That is not what we signed up for when we agreed to take on a year of mastery.
Now the reality is that yes, I was in class. I struggled physically and mentally through the entire evening. The stress in my life has definitely taken a toll but it felt incredible to go sweat some of it out. Mentally, I really struggled with what should have been a fairly easy drill. It showed me an area where I have been relying on muscle memory instead of pure intent. I found I had questions that I didn't even know were questions when the class started. The end result was that it was definitely worth the effort to go to class last night. If I had let mediocrity reign, it would have been much easier but I would have lost out on those opportunities to learn and grow.
Now I need to get my hustle on.... The house will not get itself ready for those pictures. I will be walking through each and every room looking for signs of clutter and mediocrity. It may not look like kung fu but I will be working to develop that eye for detail in a different facet of my life.
Wednesday 25 September 2019
Monday 16 September 2019
Do It Daily
A small daily task, if it be really daily, will beat the labours of a spasmodic Hercules.
- Anthony Trollope
I have a habit of making many things in life feel like they would take Herculean strength to pull off. I also do not believe that I possess such strength.
The most prominent thing that comes to mind is the Black Belt fitness test. I know what the different facets of the test are. I know what the expectation is that must be achieved to pass. I know where my current fitness level is. The gap is significant. I have mentally placed this test in the near impossible Herculean strength and ability category with my attempts to meet them being in the spasmodic category.
The solution is in the first part of this quote. As part of the IHC program, we are given some pretty huge requirements but we are taught immediately how to break them up into daily tasks. Some of these tasks in themselves don't feel small unless you break them down again but really everything can be broken down into small, doable steps. We are taught that we need a structure in place to ensure that these daily tasks are indeed just that - daily. We have heard Sifu Meier's speech about how easy it is, just do the daily tasks and it will happen.
The breakdown in this is in the daily performance. I will admit that I have not built the structure needed at this time to make a reality. Honestly, my life is so fluid from day to day that the only real structure that I feel exists is the times of our kung fu classes. I have not made any practices truly daily. I have not built that consistency into my life. I am reaping the consequences of not building that structure. I lack the belief that this is possible simply because I have not done the simple daily tasks that I agreed to do.
Right now, life looks especially upside down and crazy. The demands of my normal, everyday life feel overwhelming at the best of times, then add on the our current additional crazy of a move and I am struggling. I need to pause and find that structure for both my mental and physical health. I need to take back control of my choices instead of letting the circumstances of each day push and pull me with each reaction. I need to make the small tasks required to make my life better and easier and truly make them daily. I need to start that today.
Thursday 12 September 2019
Seeking the Void
The void seems to be a concept that is tricky to explain and therefore, tricky to understand.
My limited understanding of the void is that it is the state of truly being present. There is no outside noise from your brain about the past or the future. You are completely aware of where you are and what you are doing in that one particular moment. All that exists is that one particular moment. Intent can remain pure because there is not thought of past or future, just the current moment.
In class on Tuesday, Sifu Hayes was trying to get us to do our forms in the void. He asked us why we look to our instructors while we are doing our forms. For me, it is often a case of seeking validation. I want to learn. I want to improve. I want to know that I am doing things right. As I have progressed, I am finding that by looking to my instructor for validation, I am actually dividing my focus. I should be paying complete attention to what I am doing. If I am doing that, I will feel where things are not quite right and can ask the question. If there is something that is not right that I am unable to feel, I need to trust my instructor to point it out to me.
With all of the brain clutter that I am currently dealing with, I found the reminder to be completely involved in what I am doing something that I needed to hear. I found that as I worked on it during class, slipping completely into my forms became easier each time. It was helpful that the form we were practicing this on was 18 Temple Motions which is the form I chose to master this year. Removing distractions and analytical thought and just working on feeling what I was doing was actually a very freeing exercise.
This is definitely something that I would like to further explore and work on. I am finding my mental chaos draining and distracting in all areas of my life. Being intentional, focused and present will serve me well in every moment of every day. I know this is not something that is easily achieved but it is a worthy pursuit.
Monday 9 September 2019
Who is Serving Who?
The past few weeks have been filled with big decisions and impending change. Life has felt very chaotic and out of control. There have been some realities that I have been working through mentally and it has required a great deal of deep soul searching.
The first reality is that we are moving to Terrace, BC. When? That I cannot tell you at this time. Chad starts his new job there on October 1st. I need to get the house ready for sale, sold and then we can officially relocate. There are a few moving parts of this process that I can control. Most of it, I cannot... at least not at this time.
The second reality is that my sweet girl has a fractured tibia. She is in a cast until the end of the month and then an air boot. This has been a significant hit to her independence and as such has required me to be there for her virtually constantly to this point. We are working to find ways to make life easier for both of us.
The third reality is that I will not be grading for my black belt this year. In light of the first reality, this has been a major mental struggle. I feel like this is my one and only chance. This has lead to some major soul searching. My first reaction was to simply completely give up. Really, what's the point if I can't get my black belt. Why bother spending anymore time on this if I won't ever be able to grade? These are funny and foreign thoughts to a girl who had never really entertained grading until about a year ago. I also recognized that I made a commitment to the school, to the team and to myself to complete this year of mastery so why bother was no longer an option.
I need to make a choice about who is serving who in my relationship with kung fu.
The reality of where I am today and the training that would be required for me to grade in November, I would need to make myself a full time servant to kung fu. In light of all that is going on in the rest of my life, this is simply not possible. I actually believe that any attempt to do that would result in a very unhealthy balance for myself and my family in this time of change.
We are taught to train in kung fu so that kung fu can serve us in every area of our lives. If I were to simply throw in the towel and quit right now, it is almost like saying that there was no value to this way of thinking. This would be a massive disservice to the years that my instructors have poured into me and the work I have put in up until this point. The lessons have become a part of who I am. It does not turn off like a faucet.
I need to allow kung fu to serve me. I started taking kung fu because I needed the physical outlet and it allowed me to train with some fantastic people. I continued to train for these reasons. The mental stimulation has been a huge draw over the years, particularly through tough times of injury. The reasons for training were always to do with learning the art, not to achieve a specific belt level. Kung fu has invaded every part of my life - my mind, my body and my relationships. The next few months are filled with unknowns and change but one thing that I know for sure is that I have my kung fu training and my kung fu family to help me through this next stage of my journey.
The first reality is that we are moving to Terrace, BC. When? That I cannot tell you at this time. Chad starts his new job there on October 1st. I need to get the house ready for sale, sold and then we can officially relocate. There are a few moving parts of this process that I can control. Most of it, I cannot... at least not at this time.
The second reality is that my sweet girl has a fractured tibia. She is in a cast until the end of the month and then an air boot. This has been a significant hit to her independence and as such has required me to be there for her virtually constantly to this point. We are working to find ways to make life easier for both of us.
The third reality is that I will not be grading for my black belt this year. In light of the first reality, this has been a major mental struggle. I feel like this is my one and only chance. This has lead to some major soul searching. My first reaction was to simply completely give up. Really, what's the point if I can't get my black belt. Why bother spending anymore time on this if I won't ever be able to grade? These are funny and foreign thoughts to a girl who had never really entertained grading until about a year ago. I also recognized that I made a commitment to the school, to the team and to myself to complete this year of mastery so why bother was no longer an option.
I need to make a choice about who is serving who in my relationship with kung fu.
The reality of where I am today and the training that would be required for me to grade in November, I would need to make myself a full time servant to kung fu. In light of all that is going on in the rest of my life, this is simply not possible. I actually believe that any attempt to do that would result in a very unhealthy balance for myself and my family in this time of change.
We are taught to train in kung fu so that kung fu can serve us in every area of our lives. If I were to simply throw in the towel and quit right now, it is almost like saying that there was no value to this way of thinking. This would be a massive disservice to the years that my instructors have poured into me and the work I have put in up until this point. The lessons have become a part of who I am. It does not turn off like a faucet.
I need to allow kung fu to serve me. I started taking kung fu because I needed the physical outlet and it allowed me to train with some fantastic people. I continued to train for these reasons. The mental stimulation has been a huge draw over the years, particularly through tough times of injury. The reasons for training were always to do with learning the art, not to achieve a specific belt level. Kung fu has invaded every part of my life - my mind, my body and my relationships. The next few months are filled with unknowns and change but one thing that I know for sure is that I have my kung fu training and my kung fu family to help me through this next stage of my journey.
Monday 26 August 2019
Summer Reflections....
Everywhere you look you can see the signs that life is switching gears. The stores have pretty much hidden anything that resembles summer and all that can be found is back to school items. I've even seen the odd winter coat... Although that seems like it is rushing summer away, the reality is that the season is shifting.
I had this mental picture of what summer was going to look like. Camping, lots of time outside, more relaxed pace, time to recharge and collect myself...
That is not how life turned out this summer. Camping was cancelled for work (a little grateful because the weather that week was miserable). Time outside was hindered by our abnormally wet summer. The relaxed pace looked more like time to be a chauffeur driving people here and there and everywhere. I definitely do not feel recharged and collected. Last week I found myself at a place where what I needed most was to cancel everything that was not a must and spend our evenings at home.
I also had a dream that I was nailing my goals for this IHC year. The requirements for black belt grading would have been pretty much all checked off. The only one that I have successfully done is the First Aid Course. I would be well on my way as far as physically preparing for grading day. Well, I was not nearly as active as I planned. I do feel physically better than I did at the beginning of the summer but no great strides have been made forward in this area either. My house would be decluttered and clean. Now I really feel like I have been dreaming. It is nearly impossible to reorder life in your home when you are treating it as a launching pad all summer.
I am working at accepting where I am at right now. My dream and my reality have a serious gap between them. The past is done, all I can work on is the present. Life is about to get even busier with school starting but the introduction of more structure in our home will be helpful.
I had this mental picture of what summer was going to look like. Camping, lots of time outside, more relaxed pace, time to recharge and collect myself...
That is not how life turned out this summer. Camping was cancelled for work (a little grateful because the weather that week was miserable). Time outside was hindered by our abnormally wet summer. The relaxed pace looked more like time to be a chauffeur driving people here and there and everywhere. I definitely do not feel recharged and collected. Last week I found myself at a place where what I needed most was to cancel everything that was not a must and spend our evenings at home.
I also had a dream that I was nailing my goals for this IHC year. The requirements for black belt grading would have been pretty much all checked off. The only one that I have successfully done is the First Aid Course. I would be well on my way as far as physically preparing for grading day. Well, I was not nearly as active as I planned. I do feel physically better than I did at the beginning of the summer but no great strides have been made forward in this area either. My house would be decluttered and clean. Now I really feel like I have been dreaming. It is nearly impossible to reorder life in your home when you are treating it as a launching pad all summer.
I am working at accepting where I am at right now. My dream and my reality have a serious gap between them. The past is done, all I can work on is the present. Life is about to get even busier with school starting but the introduction of more structure in our home will be helpful.
Tuesday 13 August 2019
Failing Forward....
Correction is essential to power and mastery. You see, we are all ordinary. But a master, rather than condemning himself for his "ordinariness," will embrace his ordinariness and use it as a foundation for building the extraordinary. Instead of giving up, as many ordinary people do, he will use his ordinariness to correct his errors, which is essential in the process of attaining mastery. You must be able to correct yourself without invalidating or condemning yourself, to accept results and improve upon them.
Mastery - Stewart Emery
There has been a strong focus on the technique of our side heel thrust kicks over the past month. Sifu Brinker has made it a mission to eradicate improper foot position within our kicks. As the lead instructor in our school, he has the ability to work with us on this mission but he is unable to complete it on his own. Each and every one of us must also do our part in order for this mission to be successful.
The position of my foot in the blade has been a key focus the past couple weeks. I have developed the habit over the years of having my toes just slightly ahead of my heel when doing a side heel kick. Since on the most part my toes are lower than my heel and my foot is held tight, it has escaped correction. Just because is has escaped correction, does not mean that it was accepted or is correct. Now that it has been found, it must be corrected.
The process of correction is one of complete mindfulness whenever I throw a side heel kick. I have been making use of any mirror that is strategically placed to ensure that to the best of my ability every single kick that I throw going forward has a better foot position. When I go slow and practice mindfully, I am able to achieve the correct position. This is possible! That is encouraging!
What I have found less encouraging is that despite this work, it has not truly become mine yet. On Saturday we were working on speed and power on the bag. Things started to fall apart fairly quickly. If I went slowly, I could get the correct position. If I added speed and focused on the foot position, then I found that the trajectory of my kick was swinging upward and not thrusting. If I stopped focusing as much on the blade and instead focused on the power and trajectory, the toes would sneak back forward again. Then as the minute would move along, fatigue would set in to the point where technique was extremely poor.
How do I proceed forward? The process of mastery is to accept where you are today and to make steps positive steps forward to improve. Emery encourages us to accept our ordinariness and use that as a foundation for correction. There is no room for bad attitude or negative self talk only acceptance and a plan to improve. Using this model, I will continue to use every mirror that I find to ensure that foot position is correct each time I throw the kick. I will increase the number of kicks that I am doing each day to work towards building new muscle memory. I will increase my cardio workouts to help me get over that half way mark when I am working on the bags. I will document my work and constantly evaluate where I am and correct as needed.
Will every kick be perfect? Nope. The only way to absolutely ensure that I will never throw another bad kick as long as I live is to honestly never throw another kick. That is not an option so I will give my best in each moment and at times I will succeed and at times I will fail. I will keep trying and failing and correcting and learning and moving forward. This is the process of mastery.
Mastery - Stewart Emery
There has been a strong focus on the technique of our side heel thrust kicks over the past month. Sifu Brinker has made it a mission to eradicate improper foot position within our kicks. As the lead instructor in our school, he has the ability to work with us on this mission but he is unable to complete it on his own. Each and every one of us must also do our part in order for this mission to be successful.
The position of my foot in the blade has been a key focus the past couple weeks. I have developed the habit over the years of having my toes just slightly ahead of my heel when doing a side heel kick. Since on the most part my toes are lower than my heel and my foot is held tight, it has escaped correction. Just because is has escaped correction, does not mean that it was accepted or is correct. Now that it has been found, it must be corrected.
The process of correction is one of complete mindfulness whenever I throw a side heel kick. I have been making use of any mirror that is strategically placed to ensure that to the best of my ability every single kick that I throw going forward has a better foot position. When I go slow and practice mindfully, I am able to achieve the correct position. This is possible! That is encouraging!
What I have found less encouraging is that despite this work, it has not truly become mine yet. On Saturday we were working on speed and power on the bag. Things started to fall apart fairly quickly. If I went slowly, I could get the correct position. If I added speed and focused on the foot position, then I found that the trajectory of my kick was swinging upward and not thrusting. If I stopped focusing as much on the blade and instead focused on the power and trajectory, the toes would sneak back forward again. Then as the minute would move along, fatigue would set in to the point where technique was extremely poor.
How do I proceed forward? The process of mastery is to accept where you are today and to make steps positive steps forward to improve. Emery encourages us to accept our ordinariness and use that as a foundation for correction. There is no room for bad attitude or negative self talk only acceptance and a plan to improve. Using this model, I will continue to use every mirror that I find to ensure that foot position is correct each time I throw the kick. I will increase the number of kicks that I am doing each day to work towards building new muscle memory. I will increase my cardio workouts to help me get over that half way mark when I am working on the bags. I will document my work and constantly evaluate where I am and correct as needed.
Will every kick be perfect? Nope. The only way to absolutely ensure that I will never throw another bad kick as long as I live is to honestly never throw another kick. That is not an option so I will give my best in each moment and at times I will succeed and at times I will fail. I will keep trying and failing and correcting and learning and moving forward. This is the process of mastery.
Wednesday 7 August 2019
Thoughts...
Where am I? What am I doing?
I have been trying to use these questions to refocus my thoughts the past week with little success. I have been moving between two differing sets of relatively unproductive thought processes.
The first set of thoughts are focused on regrets. Would have... Could have... Should have... Yes, I am shoulding all over myself. I have had fantastic personal goals the past few IHC years. I have failed to meet them. There is the potential for some major changes coming for our family. I am paying the consequences of that delay and feeling the weight of regret. Oh so many regrets...
The second set of thoughts look more like chaos. The best description that I can come up with is to imagine what 20 little bouncy balls would look like bouncing around inside my head at a million miles an hour. Thoughts are running amok everywhere. All the things that need to be done and they all feel like they need to be done immediately. It is all very overwhelming. It leaves me with days on end where I am furiously trying to get something, anything done but never seem to make any headway because I keep distracting myself and leaving a trail of half done aftermath in my path.
I need to find a way to stay in the present. I need to find a way to settle in and make some significant progress in every area of my life - now!
Where am I? What am I doing?
Tonight I found myself in class completely lost in learning a new application with the tiger tail and working with a partner that I am grateful to have on this journey. Now I am taking care of this week's blog. Next stop is bed so that I can tackle tomorrow one moment at a time.
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