Walking Meditation

My mind is a busy and chaotic place.  It rarely rests.  The mental running list of things that I must do, should do and would like to do seems to be relentless. 

After my concussion a few years ago, the neuropsychologist that I was seeing suggested meditation as a way to try to calm my mind.  I understand the theory behind it.  I have tried it on occasion.  To be completely fair, I know that I have not given it enough consistent practice to be of any benefit.  That is on me.  Why?  Well, my failed attempts have been frustrating.  My mind wanders all over the place thinking about everything that I should or could be doing all at once.  Then guilt sets in for just sitting or lying still.  I tell myself that if I just get up and do this one thing, then I can sit back down having dealt with the problem and then I can focus.  This is a lie.  One thing leads to the next and then it's been literally months since I've tried.

Usually when I walk Guinness, my brain does not stop working either.  We chat about everything in life, well I guess I should say that I process everything out loud while he enjoys being outdoors and listening to his person talk endlessly.  I go over what I need to do that day, what I did not get done in the past, where I am failing to meet expectations, relentless thoughts.  Often I come home feeling tired from all the mental activity.  I have done so many things in my mind and then it feels like a let down when I walk back into our yard and everything is in the same state as when I left.

The last three days I have been trying something a little different.  We are still heading out on our morning walks but I have chosen to take longer routes.  My mind still wants to do all the things but instead I have been trying to keep bringing it back to my four senses (taste is not something I am choosing to use on our treks).  Instead of thinking about what I will do after my walk, I am pausing to notice what is going on around me.  I am choosing to be.

What have I noticed the past couple days?  Here is a few things that I have noticed.  I love the sound of the songbirds and the wind in the trees.  I do not particularly like the squawk of the magpies and there is a noticeable absence of songbirds when they are carrying on.  The sun feels amazing on my face.  The smell of fresh cut grass is wonderful.  This morning, we walked around the bend in the road and this lovely fragrant smell hit me.  I have no idea what it came from but I soaked it in.  I have watched the clouds part and blue sky appearing.  I have noticed all the different shades of green that make up the leaves on the trees.  Someone moved in in the next subdivision and they have a beautiful horse.  Guinness is still not sure how he feels about sheep.  I noticed a hare that he saw first hiding in the long grass.  I really could go on and on.

This change in focus on our morning walk has been energizing.  My mind feels clearer.  I still have to fight to put my mind back on what is going on around me instead of what is going on inside me but it is becoming a little easier as I do it.  The reason that I think this has been more successful than the sitting meditation is that I am out away from my distractions.  I am unable to do much about any of them anyway.  I often don't even bring my phone with me so I couldn't even make a list as things pop into my mind.  Taking in the beauty of creation helps to recenter my mind and reminds me of the fact that I was created a human being, not a human doing.

Trust the System

Tonight's class was an excellent reminder of where I am and what I need to be doing this year.  The IHC program lays out exactly what is expected of anyone who is planning to be a black belt candidate.  When you sign up for the program you agree to follow the program.  The candidates last year proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that the program works if you follow it.

I am finding the process of grading overwhelming.  There seems to be so much information that I need to pack into my brain.  Then there is all of that information that I need to figure out how to own and then translate into my own movements.  We are learning a system and that system will only work if actual sweat is put into it.  Then there is the fitness component.... 

Then I reground myself...  I need to listen and trust the system.  I need to follow the IHC requirements to the letter - as a bare minimum.  We all get tempted to treat the requirements laid out as some unattainable ceiling to try to hit.  They are the minimum needed to prepare.  Candidates need to be on the mats in classes - minimum 3 times a week.  Candidates need to be blogging, processing what we are learning and recording our journey - minimum once a week.  Candidates need to be practicing daily.  Tonight we were reminded that the journey does not allow for days off - days off have consequences.

I look at the requirements that I said I would meet.  I am not on track.  That is my current reality.  There is no point sugar coating it.  The people around me can see that I have not put in the work that I have promised that I would.  There have been a few too many of those days off and I am definitely feeling the consequences.  I have made commitments and I have not been faithful in meeting them consistently.  This needs to change.  I need to light a fire under myself and trust the system.  

A Year Well Spent

We all make plans for our lives.  Towards the end of 2017, I put forward my plans for the Year of the Dog.  Funny thing is how we can plan to the best of our ability but we can't always predict what life will throw into our paths along the way.

Fast forward to the spring 2018...  My sweet girl was struggling in school and in life.  The momma bear in me sought many ways to help her but by June it was apparent that we needed to bring her home for the next school year.  I had considered homeschooling my kids many years ago but had felt like I would not be able to give them what they needed in life.  I went into this year somewhat terrified and feeling very ill-equipped for the new challenge I was taking on.  My previous year's involved in the IHC program helped me to build the necessary framework to take on the challenge despite how I was feeling.

Mastery asks us to to "constantly produce results beyond the ordinary" and to "consistently go beyond our limits."  If I was going to succeed I needed to commit myself to mastery and pursue excellence.  Our world no longer looked "normal" by society's standards.  I had many people doubting our choice.  I definitely felt a great deal of pressure to ensure that the education in our home was anything but mediocre.

I now sit here at the other side of that first year of homeschooling.  There were definitely some really hard days.  We both had to figure out what learning home could look like and that we didn't need to make it look anything like "school".  I read any book on homeschooling that I could find.  I invested fully into learning how to do this new life and then I invested even more fully into walking alongside her in her learning.  We wrestled through math together.  Read great books together.  Discovered history together.  Watched documentaries and went on great field trips together.  We learned to redefine what learning looks like together.  We had an incredible year.  Sitting here at the end of it, I view this past year as an incredible gift, not only to her but to me as well.

Some of the highlight reels are:

• My girl loves to learn!
• We swam with a dolphin and snorkeled through a coral reef with rays and so many different kinds of fish and could call it science!
• She discovered that she not only could understand math but she can excel at it!
• She has developed a deep love for books!
• World history is super cool!
• Her mental health is the best that I have seen it in years!

Mastery is a relentless pursuit.  It requires us to keep on learning, to keep on growing, to keep on applying lessons learned.  We are now back in the summer planning season for next year.  I am back to learning on how to best live out this lifestyle that we have chosen to continue for another school year.  We have talked about what went well and where we both feel that we can make improvements.  Her love of learning has made us some pretty steep goals to work towards for this next year but we are both up to the challenge of this journey that we are on together.

Why?

This week we were asked an important question. 

Why do we continue to train in the martial arts?

The answer is different for each person and often from moment to moment.  

For me, the first answer that came to my mind was because I love the mental challenge.  I love to learn new things.  The martial arts provides me with an opportunity to continually challenge myself - how I think, how I move, how I live...

Often there are other secondary reasons why, but usually it all boils back to this one reason.  There obviously is the physical aspect because I definitely need to get into better shape.  There is the emotional aspect because the people at the kwoon have become family.  But these reasons can all be filled outside the martial arts.  

The martial arts feeds a part of who I am as a person and constantly demands more of me than I can give at any moment but inspires me to keep pressing forward.

June - Farmer's Day & Time to Get a Move On

Did anyone else wake up Saturday morning to the crazy realization that it is JUNE!!!!  Where is the time going? We are well into this IHC year.  The turning of the calendar always prompts me to take a closer look at the state of my world. 

First let's start with the good!  Farmer's Day!!!  The parade was a ton of fun.  Thank you to the early morning crew that put the float together - it looked fantastic!  If I am to be honest, I am not a huge fan of walking in the parade.  I find it very much a sensory overload.  But I do love the time that we spend as a team before and after the parade.  It is such a great time to get together and spend some time laughing and getting to know each other on a more personal level.

Demo #1 is out of the way!  I always find the first one of the year the hardest.  At the last IHC class when it was time to perform our most current form, I was really struggling with my nerves.  I usually have a pretty good memory but that night I kept forgetting my form.  I carried that fear and concern into this weekend's demo.  I was really worried that I was going to forget my form or drop my fan - basically just freeze out there.  I was pleasantly surprised about how well it all went.  It was also fun to watch my favourite son get to do his first solo lion dance as a head. 

As for my current mental state - I am honestly doing much better this past week.  I am not sure what exactly has changed but I am going to embrace feeling more human and far less overwhelmed and weepy.  I am still doing a great deal of self care but I am finding that I am able to take a more proactive approach than just being reactive.

That's the good stuff....  Now for all the rest of the list....

I am not where I would like to be considering this is supposed to be my grading year.  Numbers are really behind.  Written assignments have not happened.  Board breaks and 5 techniques have not been touched.  Time is ticking and I do not want it to get any further away on me than it currently has.  Step #1 has happened.  I have acknowledged where I am at.

Now for Step #2.  To put the negative feelings about where I am at behind me and to just light a fire under myself and get about doing the next right thing.  I can't go back in time.  All the wishing it looked different will not change where I am right this moment.  All I can control is where I am headed next.