A New First

I chose to not blog earlier this week because I knew I needed to wait until after my first Sihing class on Tuesday.  This was a new milestone in my journey and I wanted to be blog about it.  Then, Wednesday turned into Thursday, which turned into Friday....  Life goes so fast it is important to take a moment to pause and look at milestones.

So Tuesday I was feeling a lot of different emotions.  

For most students in kung fu, you've moved up through the classes as you progress through the belts.  Those of us who have attended the morning class, we have not had that experience.  I started in the morning class nearly seven years ago.  Outside of joining the IHC, I have primarily only attended this one class until recently.  I am used to a multi-belt environment.  Stepping into a class designed solely for a higher belt level was very intimidating.

Then there was that the fact that I felt really old.  Not just a little old.  But really old.  For the first time in my life, I was going to step on the mats and every student was young enough to be one of my children.  Oy....  These teens and young adults are incredible.  I have watched them grow up and progress.  So old and intimidated were definitely in the mix...

There were moments on the drive to class where I considered just going for a cup of tea instead.  This month has been hard.  There has been a great deal going on in our family life and it has just been so busy that I can't even wrap my brain around where the days have gone.  I wasn't sure I had it in me to put myself out there.  The risk seemed like almost too much.

Instead, I did what I have always done.  Just drove to the kwoon.  Through anxiety, fear, excitement, overwhelm, joy, tears...  You name it, I have just always drove to the kwoon.  And I was really happy I did on Tuesday!

The class on Tuesday was fantastic.  It was challenging.  I still felt a little like a fish out of water but it was doable.  I was happy in the end that I showed up.

Rumour has it that next week is fitness...  I am sure that I am going to feel old and really like a fish out of water but I am going to keep pushing myself out of that comfort zone.

Seeking the Secret Sauce

This blog is later than I planned.  This blog is also on a much different topic than I had planned.  

The last little while has been a crazy full rollercoaster.  There are highs.  There are lows.  There are moments when all I feel like I can do is hold on for dear life.  My calendar looks like a warzone demanding my every minute.  I have so much I could blog about.  The biggest obstacle was finding the moment. 

Monday I had a general road map of where I wanted to go with my blog.  I was thinking through the approach of how I would express myself.  It was going to be a blog about building my vocabulary.  My journey the past few weeks has had me learning a great deal and finding some wild extremes in thought but I will save that for a future blog.  I've had a great deal to chew on and to work on processing. 

So back to Monday...  I have a super full day planned but I figured I could perhaps find a moment to blog in the afternoon.  Then my best laid plans took a detour...  First of all my topic was dramatically changed in the blink of an eye.  We had just lined up to bow out at the end of class on Monday and Sifu Hayes called me to the front.  And this happened!!!!

I was utterly and completely surprised.  Our morning class seems to do things a little differently.  I've watched in the evening classes people being pulled off to grade for their next belt.  Perhaps due to class size or due to the fact that many days there is only one Sifu on deck, we don't tend to do a formal grading.  There is a definite bonus to this.  I have learned to approach each day on the mats in class as if I were grading for the next level.  You give it the best that you can each class, you listen, you ask questions.  So there was no warning.  I must say it was a pretty fantastic surprise.

So back to the title of the blog...  Just last week in the car on the way home from kung fu, Waylon had asked me when I would be grading for my second degree brown belt.  I had told him I wasn't really sure what that process looked like.  I had asked what to work on and received the answer of everything.  I was approaching each class with everything I had to give in that moment.  I told him that really what I was looking for was the secret sauce - there must be something that I was being watched for, I just did not know what exactly it was.

Did I find the secret sauce?  That is a question for my Sifu's.  Do I know what that secret sauce is?  No, not really.  Where do I go from here?  Just keep giving it my all and see where the next phase of this crazy journey leads me.

Priorities on the Journey

Mastery is a journey.  The process is one of continual improvement.  Why?  There is always something that needs to be worked on.  If you can't find something in your life that needs some work, then you've let mediocrity lie to you.  I do not have to look hard or far.

Funny thing...  The IHC is designed after the UBBT - there is an obvious focus on the martial arts.  I am at a point where black belt grading is not just some day off in the far, far future.  I have reached a place in my journey where it is coming.  Yet, here I sit looking at where my mastery journey is focused and I can say without a doubt that kung fu has not been the forefront.  It is impossible to master all things, at all times.  This is a time where kung fu has had to take a step back and allow me additional time and energy to focus on my family.

The past couple years has proved to be a roller coaster ride as a parent.  Raising a teen and a tween is no joke.  We have dealt with bullying and it's aftermath.  We continue to deal with anxiety and the results.  We have had to make schooling decisions.  Today, we are sitting in a place looking forward into the unknown for schooling.  One is off to high school.  (Still trying to figure out how that happened...  Weren't we just at kindergarten graduation...)  This is exciting and scary all at the same time.  We are also looking at a change for our younger one.  I have spent a great deal of time researching homeschooling options as of late.  I want to make the right decision.  The decision we make has huge implications for our family.  This is something that will likely continue to take a great deal of time to sort out and implement yet in my heart, I know that this is what my child needs right now.

So with my focus being on my kids, where does that leave kung fu.  At a time when I feel that I should be building, I find myself maintaining.  I make every effort I can to be on the mats for classes.  Classes have been my lifeline over the years through hard times and injuries.  Even when I have had to quietly kung fu from the bench, they have kept me engaged in this portion of my journey.  Although the physical parts of kung fu have taken a real hit over the past while, I am still mindful of the personal goals that I set for the year and they are serving me well.  Daily journals, gratitude logs, time spent reading my Bible have kept me going day to day.  Fitting in time with my people, one on one when possible, has kept me grounded.  Running wildly through popular fuzz and mosquito infested woods while seeking hidden treasure and belly laughs at bedtime have reminded me that my focus is exactly where it needs to be.

What Month Is It?

Life seems to have taken on a new level of crazy the past couple weeks.  I have felt like I have had no ability to actually plan and circumstances have taken the reins of life.  I have definitely not been functioning in the best version of me.  I have felt tired and overwhelmed and generally completely done.  I have been living in survival mode for lack of a better way of describing it.  The results can be seen in every part of my life.

So...  What is a girl to do?  Yesterday, I started my day off with the goal to catch up on reading everyone's blogs.  Thank you to everyone who has been blogging!  I need the reminders, blasts of reality and great word pictures you shared.  One of the blogs that really helped out the most was Mr. McKee's blog (Week 11, I believe) about feeling overwhelmed and taking a pause.  He was on his deck drinking coffee with a banana that nobody at that house seemed very excited about.  I needed his simple reminder of pausing and regrouping.  That is what I've been doing so far this morning.

I started the day off with my journal.  Funny, I thought it would sound more upbeat and less overwhelmed and tired if I wrote in the morning than I looks at the end of the day.  Today, that was not the case.  The difference was I had an opportunity to take a deep breathe and figure out what it was I could do to help course correct that to the best of my ability.  My to do list has been swimming around up in my brain but to be honest, I wasn't even sure what was on it anymore because I had no bearings. 

So how do I fix that?  My gut instinct was to avoid!  Run away!  So I took a walk with Guiness.  Puppy therapy is the best sort.  We all know that.  My heart wanted to walk forever.  Just keep going and never look back.  Instead, we just did a short walk so that I could get back home to  start sorting out where I was at.

Next stop was my kitchen calendar, my daytimer and a cup of tea.  I went through and wrote down everything that is coming this month.  Oy...  Not really a stress reliever but at least my perception of what is going on is far more grounded in reality.  Then I focused on clearing off the millions of piles that have accumulated on my desk this last week.  Now I am armed with a realistic snapshot of how precious every minute is this month and clear place to get it done from!

So what month is it?  My brain thought it was March back at the start of May.  The weather seemed to agree with that statement.  In my world, the weather and the calendar seems to have skipped right over spring.  Mentally, I can't wrap my brain around the fact that it is indeed June.  Living in survival mode does that to you.  You lose large portions of time because you are always reacting.  There are no pauses to enjoy life and to live intentionally.  Life has been bossing me around and I am starting to feel more than a little defiant about that.  The state of my calendar gives me concern.  I have tried to think of what can be eliminated or put off and in light of my priorities and goals, it is just going to be a fact for the next month.  I will need to learn to embrace it and to work within it.

I'm not really sure how to end this blog...  But end it I must since I have flowers sitting outside that really must find their way into a flower bed or two!  More mental therapy...  Flowers, dirt and more puppy kisses are in my immediate future.  It is in these moments that I will build what I need to more than just survive the month of June!