Thursday, 22 October 2015
Those Other Goals....
This past week I've spent some time evaluating where my focus has been through the journey this year has been so far. At the start of the year, the physical goals quite frankly seemed like nearly insurmountable walls. The thought of doing 50,000 of anything in a year seemed like a lot and then when you add the word push up after it, well.... Then you add in some of the physical challenges that I have had the opportunity to work through since the journey began and continue to work through daily. Needless to say, a huge portion of my focus has been on the physical requirements. On a daily basis these have been at the forefront of my mind through the journey.
But.... What about the other goals!!!
This year when I set my personal goals I really took a good look at what kind of life I would like to live. I looked closely at what I value and in many cases whether my life was pointing towards what I valued. Each one of my personal goals, all 14 of them, were set very deliberately with a very specific purpose. None of them are monumental, one time things. Really they all boil down to habits that I would like develop in my life. Habits require regular practice. Not huge overnight changes but incremental growth in the right direction.
So as we head towards the 3/4 mark of this year, I had to ask myself where I was at with all my goals. My physical goals are behind. I'm not going to make excuses. I am going to keep pressing forward to finish as strong as I can. In my continual quest to meet these physical goals, they have consumed my thinking and as a result many of my personal goals have fallen to the side. That is one of the problems with the small incremental changes in life - they only add up to something amazing if you actually do them! They are so easy to put off until tomorrow, after all it's only something small. Yet tomorrow never seems to dome. Honestly, I have not put in the effort required and as a result there are a few goals I had not even started.
This past week has been a hard one for me. I have been feeling a great deal of fatigue - both mentally and especially physically. My numbers were lower as a result. I did not give up and I did something each day, even when it felt really push, pull, drag. That said, I did make some progress on those neglected personal goals. It was a great reminder on how unbalanced my focus has been. The plan is now to try to refocus in a more balanced manner for the remainder of the year.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 35:
Push ups 24,439
Sit ups 27,740
Kempo 236
Staff 345
Sparring 530
KM 540.6
AoK 664
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 679
Piano 44.5 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 169 days
365 photo challenge - 133 days
Daily journal - 211 days
Friday, 16 October 2015
When Being Ordinary is a Blessing
One lesson my parents always tried to impart on us as kids was no matter how bad you think life is, just take a look around and it will not take you long to find someone else with bigger problems than you have.
It's not that I think my life is bad. It is definitely not. My complaint often is more that is just very ordinary. I cringe at the thought of how many times that I have said, "I'm just a stay at home mom." My day is filled with refereeing kids, running a chauffeur service and attempting to keep our home afloat. Really very ordinary. I have had many days where I have struggled with just how plain and ordinary my life really is.
Today is NOT one of those days. Today was one of those days where I woke up and made a list of all the errands I needed to try to squish into my day around volunteering at the school to serve lunch. The list was long, so long that I knew I had to write it down just so that I could plan the most efficient way to get it all done and not forget anything. Nothing exciting - bottle depot, water store, bank, library, post office.... Ordinary and boring.
I arrived at the school a few minutes early. I was met by a dear friend in tears. Her marriage is in the process of unravelling and today her husband was moving out of their home. Her sense of normal ws being shattered.
Then shortly after another sweet gal that I have volunteered a lot with came in looking very pale and out of sorts. What many people do not realize is, she is fighting for her life right now. She has been battling cancer for over four years. She has already had three surgeries. She has another one scheduled for next week on the other side of the country. The meds they have her on have her so sick, yet she wanted to be at the school so she could serve lunch to her son, like any other week. She stuck around after lunch and helped me do up the deposit and take it to the bank.
Everywhere I looked there was so much hurt, so much brokenness.
Today my ordinary, boring life looks very appealing. Today I am thankful for my marriage, my kids and my health.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering... No I did not get all my errands done. Although I rocked out a record number of them this morning, I chose to spend time with someone who needed a distraction from her life this afternoon, someone who would needed just a little taste of ordinary.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 34:
Push ups 23,829
Sit ups 27,220
Kempo 229
Staff 343
Sparring 530
KM 525.1
AoK 638
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 658
Piano 43.25 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 163 days
365 photo challenge - 131 days
Daily journal - 205 days
Friday, 9 October 2015
Choosing my Marinade
Last week at the meeting, Sifu Brinker asked me for an injury update. Physically I am feeling great. I have managed to really push through and work with the physical injuries. This is what I reported on at the meeting.
There is a whole other area that I did not report on - my mental game. To say that I have been really struggling mentally since the car accident would be a major understatement. It wasn't until the doctors diagnosed a concussion that I started to understand why I was living in a fog - a fog that has quite honestly not lifted. It has now been two months since my poor brain was sloshed around. It has been a very long two months.
When I first was told that it was a concussion, I thought no worries. Yes I have headaches, nausea and light sensitivity but once that all clears I'll be good to go. That has not been the case. They believe that the issue is in my frontal lobe - the place where we go to make decisions. Once the immediate physical issues subsided, I started to notice that decisions were overwhelming. I was the kind of girl who makes a plan and then sets about working the plan. I have been this way my entire life, until recently. Now I am a girl who is trying to work it but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around making the plan. My focus has been brutal as well. I try to start doing something and then SQUIRREL! The simplest tasks have become very challenging. Things I have always enjoyed doing or even just did without thinking now cause anxiety. My medical doctor felt that he had exhausted what he could do for me. Really, all he had to say was yes you have a concussion and please be really careful to not slosh it again soon. He warned that it could take up to two years for my poor brain to fully heal. His only piece of advice was to see therapist.
Another confession... I cringed at this advice. I did not want to go. At first I did not make the appointment but then I finally decided that I would give it a try since living in my head was quite a crazy place to be. At that first appointment we talked a lot about expectations. One of my first statements was that I was a month behind. He asked me how I could even begin to make a statement like that - how would you begin to measure something like that? Clearly, he has never done anything like the I Ho Chuan program. I did not get into the details of how I could actually quantify exactly how behind I was. Then he asked me how I would treat someone else who was having the same issues that I was having - would I judge them or would I treat them with kindness and grace. The message - I needed to be a whole bunch less critical of myself and give myself some grace while I heal.
So I set off to work on that for two weeks. I did make some progress on being nice to myself. I did not make a ton of progress on being a whole month behind. I'm still at least that far behind in life - now I'm just learning to accept that this is where I am at for this season.
Yesterday was my two week check in with him. Despite all the progress I was making, I was still extremely frustrated. The fog, the anxiety, the chronic distractedness... It is getting to me. Then came the two year healing period reminder and that really I was only at two months. More grace needed...
Then came the chat about my role in the healing process. My brain is struggling and is working as hard as it can to heal. I have a choice to make - will I help with that healing or not. His words were, "will you marinade your brain in tonics or toxins." Every thought, feeling, emotion produces different hormone and chemical reactions in our brains. I need to make a choice whether or not I am going to let my brain soak in happy hormones or angry, frustrated ones. Happy tonics equal faster healing and a better outcome (a brain I want to live with). He also suggested that I start doing mindfulness training to help increase my ability to focus.
I have really tried taking to heart his suggestions and the last two days have been a bit better. I am really trying to be very aware of the marinade I am soaking my brain in. I am really trying to laugh about the very routine things that I forget to do (like cooking dinner or getting the groceries). The goal is to look back on this time period and have my kids say, "remember the time when mom lost her marbles and we all laughed about it."
Now as for my numbers, it has been a very long time since I posted them. There is an honest reason for that. I am not happy with them. I had really built up a great momentum, then it very nearly stopped. That momentum is slowly starting to rebuild. I have come to terms with the fact that for most of my goals, I will not reach what I set out to do. Now the focus has shifted to finishing this year strong.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 33:
Push ups 23,159
Sit ups 26,470
Kempo 225
Staff 312
Sparring 530
KM 505.5
AoK 620
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 636
Piano 42.6 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 159 days
365 photo challenge - 130 days
Daily journal - 198 days
There is a whole other area that I did not report on - my mental game. To say that I have been really struggling mentally since the car accident would be a major understatement. It wasn't until the doctors diagnosed a concussion that I started to understand why I was living in a fog - a fog that has quite honestly not lifted. It has now been two months since my poor brain was sloshed around. It has been a very long two months.
When I first was told that it was a concussion, I thought no worries. Yes I have headaches, nausea and light sensitivity but once that all clears I'll be good to go. That has not been the case. They believe that the issue is in my frontal lobe - the place where we go to make decisions. Once the immediate physical issues subsided, I started to notice that decisions were overwhelming. I was the kind of girl who makes a plan and then sets about working the plan. I have been this way my entire life, until recently. Now I am a girl who is trying to work it but I just can't seem to wrap my brain around making the plan. My focus has been brutal as well. I try to start doing something and then SQUIRREL! The simplest tasks have become very challenging. Things I have always enjoyed doing or even just did without thinking now cause anxiety. My medical doctor felt that he had exhausted what he could do for me. Really, all he had to say was yes you have a concussion and please be really careful to not slosh it again soon. He warned that it could take up to two years for my poor brain to fully heal. His only piece of advice was to see therapist.
Another confession... I cringed at this advice. I did not want to go. At first I did not make the appointment but then I finally decided that I would give it a try since living in my head was quite a crazy place to be. At that first appointment we talked a lot about expectations. One of my first statements was that I was a month behind. He asked me how I could even begin to make a statement like that - how would you begin to measure something like that? Clearly, he has never done anything like the I Ho Chuan program. I did not get into the details of how I could actually quantify exactly how behind I was. Then he asked me how I would treat someone else who was having the same issues that I was having - would I judge them or would I treat them with kindness and grace. The message - I needed to be a whole bunch less critical of myself and give myself some grace while I heal.
So I set off to work on that for two weeks. I did make some progress on being nice to myself. I did not make a ton of progress on being a whole month behind. I'm still at least that far behind in life - now I'm just learning to accept that this is where I am at for this season.
Yesterday was my two week check in with him. Despite all the progress I was making, I was still extremely frustrated. The fog, the anxiety, the chronic distractedness... It is getting to me. Then came the two year healing period reminder and that really I was only at two months. More grace needed...
Then came the chat about my role in the healing process. My brain is struggling and is working as hard as it can to heal. I have a choice to make - will I help with that healing or not. His words were, "will you marinade your brain in tonics or toxins." Every thought, feeling, emotion produces different hormone and chemical reactions in our brains. I need to make a choice whether or not I am going to let my brain soak in happy hormones or angry, frustrated ones. Happy tonics equal faster healing and a better outcome (a brain I want to live with). He also suggested that I start doing mindfulness training to help increase my ability to focus.
I have really tried taking to heart his suggestions and the last two days have been a bit better. I am really trying to be very aware of the marinade I am soaking my brain in. I am really trying to laugh about the very routine things that I forget to do (like cooking dinner or getting the groceries). The goal is to look back on this time period and have my kids say, "remember the time when mom lost her marbles and we all laughed about it."
Now as for my numbers, it has been a very long time since I posted them. There is an honest reason for that. I am not happy with them. I had really built up a great momentum, then it very nearly stopped. That momentum is slowly starting to rebuild. I have come to terms with the fact that for most of my goals, I will not reach what I set out to do. Now the focus has shifted to finishing this year strong.
Here are my YTD totals as of the end of week 33:
Push ups 23,159
Sit ups 26,470
Kempo 225
Staff 312
Sparring 530
KM 505.5
AoK 620
Personal Goals:
Gratitude Journal 636
Piano 42.6 hours
Books finished 19
Daily fruit - 159 days
365 photo challenge - 130 days
Daily journal - 198 days
Friday, 2 October 2015
A Sammie-Sized Hole...
Memories are an amazing thing. Something can happen so very long ago, yet we can remember that day, that moment like it just happened.
Just before Christmas in 2001 I received a very excited phone call from Chad. He was out running errands to prepare for our first Christmas together as a married couple. He wanted to know exactly where I was. I was sitting on the C-Train. He told me to get off at the last stop and to stay put until he could come get me instead of getting on the bus like I usually did. I had no idea what was going on but did as he asked. He showed up and he was so excited that I thought he was going to burst.
Like I said, he was out running errands. One of the things he was to get was week-long fish feeders for our aquarium. That day instead of fish food, he bought me a puppy for Christmas. He dragged me to this bin filled with the sweetest little furballs and told me to pick one out. There was one who was a little smaller than the others but had so much spunk. That night we took that sweet girl home.
I remember getting home and Chad asking me what her name was. I had no idea what to name her. He went to take a shower and told me to have a name for her by the time he got out. I remember laying on the floor of our condo lying looking face to face with my new sweet girl. By the time he came out, my sweet Sammie was named and had starting wrapping herself around my heart.
Over the years we have so many great memories with her. She went everywhere with us. She slept in our bed every night for about 11 years. She loved the kids as our little family grew. She wrapped her sweet puppy love around everyone who met her.
Back in July she really started to have some health issues but always seemed to rally. She had really seemed to stabilize and life was so good - that is until Tuesday. That morning she got up like she usually did. She ate her breakfast like a trooper but really seemed to have a hard time settling down afterwards. As the day went on she became extremely disoriented. By supper, she was no longer really interested in her food. I kept telling myself that she had had this happen before and that she would rally.
Wednesday morning she was so much worse. She was hardly able to stand. She could no longer walk. She did not want to eat. Her balance was so off. That morning when I picked her up and looked into her terrified eyes, I knew something had to be done to help her. We called to vet and made an appointment for later that day.
Just before Christmas in 2001 I received a very excited phone call from Chad. He was out running errands to prepare for our first Christmas together as a married couple. He wanted to know exactly where I was. I was sitting on the C-Train. He told me to get off at the last stop and to stay put until he could come get me instead of getting on the bus like I usually did. I had no idea what was going on but did as he asked. He showed up and he was so excited that I thought he was going to burst.
Like I said, he was out running errands. One of the things he was to get was week-long fish feeders for our aquarium. That day instead of fish food, he bought me a puppy for Christmas. He dragged me to this bin filled with the sweetest little furballs and told me to pick one out. There was one who was a little smaller than the others but had so much spunk. That night we took that sweet girl home.
I remember getting home and Chad asking me what her name was. I had no idea what to name her. He went to take a shower and told me to have a name for her by the time he got out. I remember laying on the floor of our condo lying looking face to face with my new sweet girl. By the time he came out, my sweet Sammie was named and had starting wrapping herself around my heart.
Over the years we have so many great memories with her. She went everywhere with us. She slept in our bed every night for about 11 years. She loved the kids as our little family grew. She wrapped her sweet puppy love around everyone who met her.
Back in July she really started to have some health issues but always seemed to rally. She had really seemed to stabilize and life was so good - that is until Tuesday. That morning she got up like she usually did. She ate her breakfast like a trooper but really seemed to have a hard time settling down afterwards. As the day went on she became extremely disoriented. By supper, she was no longer really interested in her food. I kept telling myself that she had had this happen before and that she would rally.
Wednesday morning she was so much worse. She was hardly able to stand. She could no longer walk. She did not want to eat. Her balance was so off. That morning when I picked her up and looked into her terrified eyes, I knew something had to be done to help her. We called to vet and made an appointment for later that day.
That afternoon, I managed to get in the best puppy snuggle. She settled down into the most restful sleep. I sat and listened to her sweet puppy snores. I almost cancelled the vet appointment. I knew what was coming and I didn't know if I could do it. It took everything in me to wake up my sweet Sammie girl and take her to her appointment.
Once we were at the vet, it became very clear that there was nothing more that the vet could really do for my sweet girl. They could try to relieve her nausea but the rest of her symptoms could not be treated. The vet believes that my girl had a brain tumour. I knew that I could not look into her little eyes another day and see the fear that I had seen earlier that day. With Chad by my side, I hugged my sweet girl, gave her a kiss and told her I loved her as she crossed the Rainbow Bridge. Then I looked at my husband and thanked him for the best Christmas gift ever. It was one of the hardest yet obvious decisions that I have ever had to make.
The rest of this week has been hard. I have a Sammie-sized hole in my heart. I miss her more than I can begin to express. I know with time my heart will start to heal and the memories will be all the sweeter but in the meantime....
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