Why can't I just write a blog...

Here I sit...  I have this post open...  I have typed a first sentence numerous times and then deleted it.  I just really don't know how to start or where to start. 


Why do we blog?  We blog to document our journey, not only for ourselves but for others.  It is a form of accountability.  You can't hide if you are posting regularly.  Personally, I have a view of what I hope to accomplish when I blog.  I want to not only encourage others with my journey but really I want to encourage myself.  I see it as a pep talk to myself. 


This has been the issue lately.  I have struggled to find encouraging things to blog about.  The past month has been very tough.  My numbers are terrible.  I have quit posting them because I am disappointed.  I am hiding and I need to stop.


Friday was a perfect example of wanting to hide.  I debated on whether or not to go to class.  I debated on stepping back and sitting on the bench.  I am still struggling with the physical and mental aftermath of my car accident.  I just didn't feel up to it.  Instead I convinced myself to get on the mats so that I would not let the team down for demo practice.  Then Sifu Brinker hit us with the surprise full run through of each of our weapons forms.  I felt physically ill.  I have not put in the time and reps that I should have.  I was so not ready to perform.  I wanted to run for the parking lot. 


Instead I sucked it and stepped out onto the mats when it was my turn.  I was terrified but managed to fumble my way through my form.  The feedback was gracious and encouraging.  Even with that, I know that I am not where I should be.  I know I have a lot of work to do ahead of me.  I am not proud of the performance that I put in but I am proud that I did step out and try.


The way I felt was so strongly contrasted to how I felt on Saturday at the forms seminar.  Saturday was an amazing experience.  I had the opportunity to spend the afternoon trying to learn a new form.  It was an ambitious choice but exciting.  We managed to get about 60% of the way through.  Then it was time to step out on the mats in front of a panel of black belts to perform.  I did not feel nearly as nervous this time.  I fumbled my way through again.  Once again the feedback was gracious and encouraging.  Yet, after I felt on top of the world.


So what was the difference?  The difference was the expectations that I placed upon myself.  Our expectations of ourselves can push us towards mastery or it can paralyze us with fear or allow us to rip ourselves to shreds.  I have spent a lot of time over the past month or so ripping myself to shreds.  This has not served me, not even in the slightest.  It has caused me to want to hide from the people who can help me most.  It is time for me to start being kinder to myself and to step out of hiding.  This blog is my first step in that direction.

Great Day

Tuesday marked the 14th anniversary of one of the best days of my life.  While a huge portion of the world was mourning and just trying to get their bearings, I stood in front of family and friends and said "I do" to my best friend.  We have been blessed with fourteen years.  Those years have not always been easy and we have had to put in a lot of work to be where we are but our marriage is even better today than it was on that day.

Yet, when I woke up on Tuesday, I had a choice to make.  As is often the case, Chad's work schedule does not respect special occasions.  He was away working up north about mid-way through a 20 day shift.  We have probably spent more anniversaries separated by distance than together.  So what's a girl to do?  Well this girl decided to get out of bed and have a great day.

He was the first person I talked to that morning.  One of the funny things with the shift he is on, we get to talk first thing every morning as he is driving back to camp.  For me it was a great way to start my day.  For him it is a way to end his since he has been on nights.

After that, I had an all about me day.  First stop was the knee specialist.  She has officially released me unless it starts to give me trouble.  My injured knee is only slightly less stable than my good knee.  She believes that I am one of the lucky few who grows scar tissue in just the right places.  Works for me!  I still need to work with my physiotherapist but with time she feels that I can get my knee back to about 95% of where it was before my failed landing.

The second stop was for a haircut.  The same gal has been cutting my hair for years.  Going to see her is like sitting down for a cup of tea with a great friend, belly laughs included.  So much fun!

The final stop on the all about me day was a piano lesson.  There must have been something in the air.  Belly laughs were happening there too...  The last month I have had a hard time motivating myself to sit down and play.  This was exactly what I needed to get me re-energized.  We have bitten off a song that is really going to stretch me plus a couple of fun ones.

After the kids came home from school, we had a family dinner and then it was off to kung fu.  This was truly the icing on the cake!  Tuesday nights mean intermediate black dragons.  I absolutely love these kids.

I ended the day with another chat with my handsome hubbie.

I could have wallowed in the fact that I was spending yet another anniversary away from my husband.  I could have let this wreck my whole day.  Instead I chose to have a great day and it far exceeded any expectation that I had for it.  We have an errand/date day planned for when he is home next week so we will just have to celebrate our anniversary together then.

Remembering

Today is a day when people remember.  Ask anyone over a certain age and they will be able to tell you where they were and what they did on September 11, 2001.  I remember exactly where I was on that morning.  I also know that every year on this date my mom recounts her story.  On that Tuesday morning she sat in her living room watching the footage of the Twin Towers.  It seemed so surreal.  Then she went and picked up my wedding dress for me.  While the entire world was mourning, our family was preparing for a celebration.

During a week where the whole world was reflecting on life and family, I still remember how grateful I was.  While the world was turned upside down, my family was getting ready to gather.  I was getting ready to say "I Do" to my best friend.  We were blessed that only one guest was not able to attend due to flight cancellations.  One very special lady, my Great Aunt Dorothy had flown in from San Diego earlier in the month.  This sweet lady did not make it home to Canada very often so she had come for a nice long visit.  She is one of my favourite people in this world.  I remember how grateful I was that she could be there.  This was her last trip back to Canada.

Our wedding day with Great Aunt Dorothy and my Grandma.

I also remember how blessed I felt nearly 11 years later.  We had planned a family trip to Disneyland and we made sure that we carved out a day in San Diego devoted to seeing Aunt Dorothy.  I will be forever grateful that my children had the opportunity to meet this amazing woman.

August 2012 - Family Trip to California

What was so amazing about her?  She was one of the spunkiest people I have ever met.  She came of age during the war.  She was there the day that my grandma met her soldier before he shipped off to war.  She never did meet her soul mate.  She was not blessed with a husband or children so she took extra care to love on her nieces and nephews and all of their children.  She told the best stories which often ended with a wink and a statement like "it was wartime you know".  She was strong.  She was independent.  She worked hard.  She loved well.  She lived fully.  She had the best appetite and was always on the lookout for something sweet to eat.  Everywhere she went, she was able to strike up a conversation with a stranger that within minutes became a new friend.  I really could go on and on.

So you may ask why am I remembering all of this on today of all days...  Fourteen years ago I felt so blessed to have her close.  Today I feel so grateful that she is no longer suffering even as my heart aches.  Today heaven gained another sweet angel.  I sure hope they were ready for her.

Getting Back on the Tracks

We see them every day.  If we are lucky, we don't get stuck at the tracks waiting for them.  Trains are a daily part of our lives.  They transport pretty much everything imaginable to nearly every part of our country.  What people often don't realize is how often this seemingly reliable form of transportation is actually off its tracks.  As the wife of a crane operator, I have had an inside view to how often this happens.  They come off the tracks at all times of the day and the night.  For years, we knew that the phone ringing in the middle of the night instantly meant another call out.


Many times the derailment was just a car or two off the tracks in the railyard.  They weren't travelling fast.  One or two quick lifts and the train is back on the tracks and off and away they go again. 


Many times the derailment is much more extensive but still after a day of hard work, they are back on the rails and going again.


Then there are the devastating derailments where all the cars must be cleared away and nothing is salvageable.  These cleanups can take weeks at times to get completely cleared up.


This year I have watched both myself and my teammates battle varying degrees of derailments in our year.  In some cases, it is a change in schedule.  We make a small adjustment and away we go.  We get sick/injured or a loved one gets sick or we get called away to work.  We make bigger adjustments.


Right now I feel like I am at the tail end of a clean up for the last type of derailment.  It has been a very long and frustrating four weeks.  Many of the physical symptoms that I have struggled with the past while have really started to subside, especially with my poor brain.  I am starting to train slowly and carefully again but it is exactly that - slow.  I can not get over how much strength I have lost over the past month.  I try to keep reminding myself that I am still stronger now, even after the break, than I was at the start of the year but....  It still feels like starting all over again.  I am extremely frustrated and struggling with anger over the entire situation.


Yet I will not allow this to derail my entire year.  In all likelihood, many of my goals will not be reached this year.  With the hurdles, obstacles and derailments I have dealt with in the first half of the year, it seems unlikely.  That said, I am going to honor the first goal that we all agreed to.  I will not give up.  I will not quit.  I will keep showing up.  I will keep pushing forward.  I am putting this train back on the tracks.