My Magic Rose Garden

One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living.  We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon - instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today.   - Dale Carnegie

I read this quote the other day and it really hit home.  Not sure if it is how he meant it but nonetheless, here is my take...


I have been struggling with a serious case of unrealistic expectations.  I have a magical rose garden.  In many cases I have what it takes to have parts of this magical rose garden.  I just can't have the whole rose garden all the time.  My list has me mastering my life.  My kung fu requirements are nailed down.  My home and yard looks like it belongs in a magazine.  My business is thriving and my clients are happy.  I have time to sit and read, create or volunteer like crazy all over the community all while loving on my family and friends.  I want it all!  I want a perfect life!


The past six months I have had to work hard at letting things go and lowering my expectations, particularly of myself.  There was a time period during my healing that I wasn't supposed to do anything but sleep.  I had to let the mess go.  I had to walk away from commitments.  I had to accept that my best was what it was.  It was so hard.  I thought I had done it.


Yes, I thought I had...  Until I took a hard look this week.  I had not accepted my best.  I had trusted that I could put it all off and then once I was better I could wave my magic wand and just like that my magical rose garden would appear.  Well, I can't find my magic wand anywhere!  Can you say insta-garden!  Maybe the dust bunnies ate it...  I really don't know.


Anyways, for this week I have been working the lesson of smelling the roses today, the real roses not the imagined ones.  Each day, I put forward the best that I have that day.  I need to accept that.  If it was not my best, I need to accept that as well.  Why?  Once a day is lived, it is done.  I can't change it.  All I can do is learn from it.  If the effort was not my best, then I need to move forward and do my best now.  When I truly search my heart, I know that my magical rose garden does not truly exist.  The cost to achieve it all, all at the same time just is not one that is realistic.  Honestly, if I did start to achieve it, I would just add to it anyway...  True mastery is not going to be found in my magical rose garden.  It is in the journey, in today, in this moment and in smelling today's roses instead of chasing roses that will likely never get a chance to bloom.  That journey is all for nothing if it causes me to be so unkind to myself that I miss the real blessings right in front of me today.

I HAD a Concussion!

It's really hard to sum up the last eight months.  So little has changed around me yet so much has changed within me.  There are times when I feel like I have lost so much.  Other times I can see all that I have gained in lessons.  The challenges have been real, hard and at times all-consuming.


Last August I felt like my world imploded when someone who perhaps should not have been driving chose to.  He did not stop at a stop sign and that mistake rocked my world.  Since that day I have had to work hard to heal.  During this time the hardest thing was not what I needed to do to heal but what I was not able to do.  I never realized how hard it was to do nothing.  Then once healing hit a certain point, it was time to push again.


Yesterday I sat on the floor at the physiotherapist office and she had me say "I HAD a concussion."  I no longer have a concussion.  My brain has officially healed or at least has learned to compensate to a respectable level.  Am I 100% awesome and ready to go?  No, but I have been released into the world to start living a non-restricted life while I work my way back.


Don't get me wrong.  This is AMAZING news.  I just thought that it would be more freeing.  Instead today it fills me with some anxiety.  I have held back for so long, protected myself.  The thought of not having to do that is hard to adjust to.  The people who love me most celebrated and then quickly added to please be careful.  This process has been so hard on all of us.  Our journey as a family through this is not done.  I still have work to do with a neuropsychologist to deal with the PTSD and anxiety that has also resulted from this.


For today my mantra is "I HAD a concussion."  I think it may take some time to truly sink in.

Get Those Fingers Movin'!

Like many people, as a child I took music lessons.  I was so excited when I started.  I remember begging my mom to let me take lessons.  Then as time wore on and the practicing was not as much fun as I had envisioned, the begging changed.  It turned into a battle.  I begged to quit.  My mom begged me to practice.  Finally tired of the fight, my mom agreed to let me stop.


Like many people, I have regrets.  As a child I would have never understood but now I truly wished that I had stuck with it.  Trust me, as a momma myself, I do not hold me mom responsible in any way shape or form for these regrets.  For much of my adulthood I had dreamed of returning to lessons.


Fast forward several years, now I am the momma with the sweet girl begging for lessons.  I put it off as long as I thought I could and then I gave in.  We didn't even own a piano but we found a teacher who agreed to give her some summer lessons on a toy keyboard to try it out.  Perfect!  Two months, not a long term commitment.  Well, would you know it - my sweet baby girl is amazing.  We ended up picking up a better keyboard.  Fast forward two years and I simply can't get over the music she can play.


After we purchased the keyboard, my dream kept nagging at me.  I asked if my daughter's teacher would have room to give me lessons as well.  Taking music lessons as an adult is a whole different ballgame than taking them as a child. I am really enjoying it but at times need an extra little push to practice (and my mom refused to nag at me now).  Enter my IHC personal requirements!  One of my goals this year is to spend 100 hours at the piano.  Sounds like a lot but not if I just keep picking away at it each day (just like every other requirement).


For the last year or so I had been learning these lovely flowing pieces.  Then after Christmas I was marveling to my teacher at the amazing speed in which some of her young students can play.  She went and pulled out this book and asked me if I wanted to learn one of the songs.  I looked at the music.  Didn't look too hard, yet not too easy.  Fantastic!  What I didn't realize is that this piece is to played at light speed!!!  Can you say fast twitch and  coordination (both important kung fu skills)!  I can say it but not fast and not without tripping over my tongue.  Yes, I do stick my tongue out at times.  Each week it gets a little faster and there are less pauses in it but I still have a long way to go to get it to where it is supposed to be. 


This beautiful song is Sonatina in C major, opus 36 number 3 by Clementi.  I did find a very talented young lady who plays it absolutely beautifully on youtube.  After working on this piece for over  3 months, the talent in this child amazes and inspires me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIKiRH-fRx4

Rainbows, Puppies & Kittens! Oh My....



There are so many things about kung fu that I truly enjoy.  Honestly one of my favourites is forms.  I love the structure.  I love that I can slow it down and really pay attention to the details.  I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that there is always something to fix.  Love the challenge, sometime struggle with frustration with myself. 

Then there are things that I have struggled with in kung fu right from the get go.  The number one struggle that I have is the internal harmonies.  I hear the words "now do it full power and full speed" and what you get is the picture below....

Yes, that is me.  I bring puppies, kittens and rainbows to class.  It has been a long standing joke actually.  I saw this picture for the first time a year ago and thought I have to blog about this.  Well a year later, the mental picture has stuck with me.

So what am I doing about it?  I just keep trying.  I think I am starting to make a little head way.  On Monday in class, I was told that my puppy had grown into a lanky teenage pup.  That's a long way from fluffy kittens.  Maybe someday I can be a Rottweiler (as long as I'm not like the one next door that I call kitty - that's just the same fluffiness in a bigger package).