A Tear Here, A Tear There, A Tear Everywhere...

Before I get into the main part of this blog, I need to give a serious shout out to some amazing people.  Sifu Krebs, Sifu Fuhr, Sifu Vanderham and Sifu Csillag - your journeys this year have been beyond amazing and inspiring to watch.  Congrats!  Sifu Vantuil and Sifu Regier - your promotions are so deserved.  Both of you are such amazing mentors.  Thank you.  Sifu Csillag and Mr. Sollinger - you both were very much the backbone of last year's team.  Congrats!  To the rest of the Sheep Team - you rocked this year's banquet.  It has been an honour and privilege to train with you.


Now for the hard part...  To be honest, this is not a blog I want to write but this is a blog that I need to write.  One of the mandates of the IHC program is to live out your journey publicly. 


The past few days, I have been super emotional.  It has been a constant fight and balancing act to keep my concussion symptoms at bay while still trying to live.  Saturday was especially tough.  It was a long, long day.  I was able to cover the headache over with the help of my good friend Advil but the fatigue and rogue emotions could find no helper.  Demo practice on Saturday was hard, painful and only a little bloody.  Not a great way to head into the banquet.  My nerves were on edge and my emotions were all over the place.


The lion and dragon dance were incredible.  The story powerful.  The story hard and emotional.  The story was personal because of who it was about.  It was also personal because of a story I will share later in this blog, one that is still currently unfolding.  Tears...


The candidate speeches were inspiring.  Each speech brought me to tears.  To watch the journey's of these incredible people.  To know them is such a blessing.  The younger two really brought out the mama in me as I know their mama's well.  Yup, tears...


The IHC demo - you guys rocked it!  For me it was a major victory to just participate.  This past year has been hard.  The form I chose was hard.  Constantly fighting back from injuries was hard.  I wanted this demo to so badly go just right.  I wanted to keep my staff in my hands.  I wanted to perform it the way that Guiness gets to see it on the driveway.  But, Guiness will be the one that has seen my form at it's best and the rest of the world will get what I was able to do.  That night my form really embodied my entire year.  It did not run smoothly.  I had to pause and regroup a couple times.  I had to pick myself up and move on.  I had to finish.  The entire performance felt like a battle, much like this year.  To say that I was disappointed with my own performance that night would not be an understatement.


Since that performance, I have had many people come up to me and compliment my form.  Although I did not give the performance that I desired - I still showed the hard work that went into this year.  I was not able to do any of the moves in the form a year ago.  There are still moves that I took out of the form that I still can't do even remotely consistently.  I do have some unfinished business with that form but I am happy to set it aside for now to focus on some new goals.  With time, I would like to return and revisit this one.


The night was draining and to be honest, I was barely functioning by the time the cleanup at the hall was completed.  All I could think about was getting home to bed.  I did not want to bother with all the lights going through Stony so I chose to take 16A home.  We get just a little way down the road and there is a horrible accident.  Just seeing the lights, emergency vehicles, smashed vehicles sent me into a state of anxiety.  It brought back so many feelings from last August.  I did not want my kids to see what was going on.   They still have anxiety as well about what could have happened.  All I could think about was getting away from there as fast as I could.  I got us home.  More tears...


Now to find out that Sifu Krebs and his sweet son Everett were there, it is hard to put into words.  I wish that I had not have panicked and that I had been mindful to look around.  I am so thankful that they walked away physically unhurt and my prayer is that they will be able to move on mentally as well.  I know how scaring and frightening this must be, especially to a child.


I know this is getting long but now for the hardest part.  I have a brave, beautiful warrior friend who is currently in the hospital fighting Stage 4 cancer.  Her fight has been long and hard.  She was offered the opportunity to go to Toronto and to be part of a research study for a very aggressive treatment.  I was blessed to sit down with her and share a Booster Juice and clean her kitchen for her at the end of December.  The plan was to get to Toronto, do the treatments and get back home by the end of January.  Life has not gone as planned.  Her recovery from the treatments has been hard.  At the beginning of February she coded and was placed in the ICU.  She was not breathing on her own and her hubbie was told she had days at best.  She pulled through.  Things looked like they were heading in the right direction.  Then last week they discovered internal bleeding and a malignant ulcer.


During the lion/dragon dance, the story told makes me think of both the warriors in my life who have had to fight to live.  It is hard.  It is heart wrenching.  It brings me to tears.


What I did not know at the time was that this dear sweet warrior friend was being taken back to ICU as the dance was being performed that night.   She is once again intubated.  Last I heard she was still initiating all of her own breathes.  Lots of tears...


It has been an emotional week.  Through the tears, I am trying to stay focused.  It is a challenge and at times, the tears win out.  Taking a deep breathe and taking one step forward at a time.

What Was I Thinking?

For much of the past week, this has been the a nearly constant question running through my mind.  The Year of the Sheep is winding up and there is so much unfinished business.  This year has been a roller coaster ride to say the least.  The pressures have seemed manageable until this last week.  The banquet is looming...


What was I thinking when I chose Sifu Playter's staff form?!?  Sure it is super cool and really who wouldn't want to learn it BUT...  The but here is that I have jumped in.  I have worked hard but right now it does not feel like I have worked hard enough.  My version of this super cool form is still very much a work in progress.  The banquet is less than a week away and I do not feel even a little ready to perform.

This has been very much aggravated by my next what was I thinking.  On Wednesday I had a physio appointment.  I went into the appointment feeling really pretty good.  I felt quite good for the entire appointment.  We pushed much further than the week before.  Then about half way home my poor brain crashed.  I spent the rest of the day flat on the couch with a wicked headache, nausea, dizziness and serious fog.  These symptoms finally started to clear on Saturday.  What was I thinking when I pushed through the appointment?


This lead to two demo practices that were not very positive experiences.  Thursday night I got turned around and completely forgot my form.  Even laying in bed that night, I could not remember it.  On Friday practice went better.  I was able to remember my form but it really wasn't not something I was proud to put out in front of the team, especially with only a week to go. 


Circular thinking...  Back to the first what was I thinking.  Not a great cycle to be caught in.


Thankfully I was able to get to the kwoon early before tai chi on Saturday.  I was able to run through my form a few times and it felt so much better.  Now just to figure out how to do that when the pressure is on.  I do know that I am going to cancel my physio appointment for Friday.  I will not risk another crash this close to the banquet.


I am still not to a place where I can stop asking the question but I am in a much better place than I was a few days ago.

Good bye Yellow, Hello Orange

I remember the day my sweet girl received her yellow belt.  She was full of excitement.  She was moving up to a new class.  Lots of new techniques to learn.  So much promise...

The reality set in.  The new class had her at the kwoon until her bedtime.  The new skills she needed to learn seemed overwhelming and some nights impossible - mostly because she was too tired.  It didn't take long for her excitement to turn to discouragement.  I tried everything to encourage her.  All of the Sifus in her class also tried everything they could.  Finally the day came when I knew that I couldn't force her to come to class any longer.  She walked away from kung fu.

Now, part of being in our family allowed her to step off the mats but it did not allow her to leave the kwoon.  She tried gymnastics and skating but just didn't find her place.  In the meantime, she sat on the bench during classes or in the changeroom waiting for class to end.  Finally after about 11 months of watching she asked if she could come out on the mats one day during open training.  That day she said something that I never thought she would say.  She was ready to go back to kung fu. 

We did not waste any time.  We had her back on the mats that Tuesday night.  This time around things were different.  She was still tired.  Really, that class still ends too close to bedtime.  The main difference was that after looking through the curriculum, she decided that this time it was doable.  She worked hard.  She stretched herself.  She competed at the Tiger Challenge and nailed her form.  She kept working hard and her hard work paid off.

Her opportunity to shine before Sifu Brinker was scheduled for this weekend.  She was excited and nervous but ready.  Then a brutal cold hit last weekend.  No problem.  She had a week to get over it.  Lots of fruit and vitamins!  Then on Thursday, she started having symptoms that were much more flu like.  Poor thing was so sick on Friday and devastated at the thought of having to wait another month to grade.  Saturday morning came and she did manage to hold down a little food and we decided she could go for it.

Black Dragon Grading February 2016

My sweet girl was amazing at grading.  Knowing how horrible she had been feeling and how horrible she was still feeling, I held my breathe through most of it - especially the squat thrusts.  Really not the most friendly move when you are struggling with nausea and dizzies...  I am so grateful for the encouragement of the instructors.  I am so grateful that Sifu Brinker pushed those squat thrusts to the very last.  I am so proud of my girl!

After grading, she went through her next curriculum and has already started forming her next plan of attack.  After that we cuddled up on my bed and had the best nap ever.  Today she is still running a fever and is having trouble eating BUT she has a bright orange belt that she worked hard for.  She is in the middle of an inspiring journey and I love that I get a front row seat!